What do you say to people who invite themselves?

[NHdisneylover]

Depends, do they drink?

Or, perhaps--do they feel their underage teens are mature enough to drink and do they let them?

OP--I would jsut tell them that you have realized that so many people in the house is too stressful for your family. Let them know you would love to spend time with them if you can find an affordable place for them to stay and help them look for a house to rent (with kitchen), cabin at a campground, etc.

 

[NotUrsula]

"Great, it will be wonderful to see you! Where are you staying?"

Repeat as necessary, until it sinks in that staying with YOU is not an option.

 

[phragmipedium]

If "not right now" elicited the response, "great, how about summer?" then they may not be getting the message. I'd probably politely say "You know, honestly we don't really feel like the house is up to hosting guests - we've realized sometimes it feels like we're stepping on just each other here! We hope you understand. We'd love to see you though - I'd be happy to suggest some accomodations in the area, or if you'd prefer we visit you this time, maybe you could suggest some places we could stay there and we can see if we can work out a trip?" You're shutting them down from staying with you, and showing them in return that you don't automatically assume you can stay with them either. If they're close enough and/or blunt enough to ask if their family of six can "crash" with you when a "real" vacation isn't in the cards, then hopefully they're thick-skinned enough to hear a polite no answer.

 

[themilesfamily]

I'd probably say, "We would TOTALLY love to spend time with you. One favor, though -- our house just isn't going to accommodate everybody. Is there any possible way you could swing the hotel just down the street? I looked into it and it's about x-number of dollars a night."

If they pull the, "oh, we can just crash on the floor" thing, just say, "I really don't think that would work for us. I want to enjoy our visit and that just sounds like a nightmare for everybody."

Or you can you tell them you'll check with your spouse -- and then blame it on your spouse that they can't stay with you. (Just kidding!)

 

[mtemm]

I think you have to be clear that you are not up to hosting. some of the previous responses are good and could help with that. However, if you give them false reasons, like it being bad timing or financially unfeasable, they can easily overcome them (we'll buy some groceries!, let's plan a different time!). be enthusiastic about seeing them, make sure it isn't about them personally, but be clear that hosting does not work for you and your family.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Their repy, okay, let's plan to do it some time in the summer. We have been friends with these people for years, but we do not want to host them in our home, done that before and was very stressed after they left and a little poorer keeping them all fed. We got out of it this time, but do not know how we will keep putting them off and do not want to hurt their feelings.

If your only concern is money, be honest with them and tell them that you love having them but cannot afford to entertain right now. Explain that they are welcome if they help with the groceries while in town.

If you just don't want them staying in your home anymore, you have to decide how much their friendship means to you. There is no nice way to say that they are not welcome to stay with you anymore. Since you have done so in the past and they thought it went well, they will be hurt - possibly insulted.

Edited to add: We have a family that stays with us for one week every summer. We love having them, but they are on vacation when they come, and we are not. They want us to take them all over the place - NYC, Statue of Liberty/Ellis Island, Hiking, canoeing, etc. Last year we told them that they could come but we would not be on vacation during their trip, so they would have to do those things on their own. They did, and they had a great time. We spent mornings and evenings together and had a great time. A compromise that worked for everyone. They are returning this summer under the same understanding.

 

[Mellie2162]

I think you have to be clear that you are not up to hosting. some of the previous responses are good and could help with that. However, if you give them false reasons, like it being bad timing or financially unfeasable, they can easily overcome them (we'll buy some groceries!, let's plan a different time!). be enthusiastic about seeing them, make sure it isn't about them personally, but be clear that hosting does not work for you and your family.

ITA! Honesty is the best policy. I don't know why but it seems like every summer my mom gets loads of family/friends who stay for a week or more. Its so stressful and costly for her to keep them but she never turns anyone down. When they leave it takes her a week to get her house cleaned back up and de-stress. I keep telling her that she needs to just tell them no, but she won't. Best of luck Op and keep us posted.

 

[Robinrs]

We have an open door policy and purposely bought a large home to welcome guests - so we would say, "Great! We look forward to seeing you!"

I have a CLOSED door policy!! I HATE visitors and also hate BEING one!!

I also don't have a problem letting people know. No one has the right to invite themselves to YOUR house unless they're immediate family.... and sometimes not even then!!

 

[eliza61]

Here's what you tell them: "That's great! We aren't taking a vacation either! The whole family will be volunteering all this summer at these places instead; ____________________ (VBS, Habitat for Humanity, Food Bank, etc.,) and we would love to have your help! It's overwhelming all of the work that we have signed up for. Gosh, you're coming couldn't have been at a better time! We are really looking forward to having more hands to pitch in, and of course catching up too! Let us know when you can come so we can sign you all up with us!

Bet "something came up" will be the reply.

LOL, better than my contagious disease idea with tons of bodily fluid details.

LOL. I'll save the contagious disease one as a back up.

Op, try having a dvc and family members trying to invite themselves on your vacation.

Good luck!!

 

[Frantasmic]

A good reply:

Great, we'd love to see you too! We just purchased a large tent that we'd love to put up in the back yard for you. I think a neighbor even has a new camping toilet we can borrow. I hear those solar shower things are fairly warm in the afternoon's. But, we can only host on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays as the sprinkler system is on the other days and I can't remember how to reprogram it.

Can't wait to see you!!

 

[kirstenb1]

Their repy, okay, let's plan to do it some time in the summer. We have been friends with these people for years, but we do not want to host them in our home, done that before and was very stressed after they left and a little poorer keeping them all fed. We got out of it this time, but do not know how we will keep putting them off and do not want to hurt their feelings.

You sound like a kind sensitive friend!! But the reality is, there are 6 of them!! That's a lot of people to just drop by and "crash". You've gotten some great suggestions, just choose one, and don't cave!!!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...No one has the right to invite themselves to YOUR house unless they're immediate family.... and sometimes not even then!!

I agree - but if they have stayed before, they probably wouldn't feel bad about asking again. Precedent having been set, they think that they are welcome to at least ask. The problem - it puts the home owner in the awkward position of having to say no if it doesn't work for them - not good for a friendship. Sadly, not everyone thinks about that.

I would never just invite myself to stay in a friend's home (or a relative's), even where we know that we are welcome. If we are going to be in the area, we let them know. If they invite us to stay with them, we do. If they do not, we stay in a hotel.

 

[castmemberb4]

LOL. I'll save the contagious disease one as a back up.

Op, try having a dvc and family members trying to invite themselves on your vacation.

Good luck!!

And never move to Orlando there will always be someone sleeping on your floor.

OP I agree with honesty is the best policy I know it's a hard subject to broach but I think you need to tell them that you can't handle the stress and can't afford to feed them. You'll feel much better once you've worked it out.
Good luck.

 

[OceanAnnie]

My suggestion was tongue in cheek.

I know I wouldn't have 6 people crashing at our house. Just wouldn't happen. I do think it's rude for someone to invite their family of 6 to stay at your house for a week. I wouldn't have a problem letting them know it wouldn't work. I'd try to have a pleasant conversation with other suggestions. If they persist about how it would work out at your house, I'd have to set them straight. I'd say something like, "It might work fine for you and your family, but not for mine. We'd still like to see you though!".

Sometimes you can't beat around the bush. It's not rude to tell it like it is. And it's not rude to decline an invitation to be a hostess.

 

[AustinTink]

We have an open door policy and purposely bought a large home to welcome guests - so we would say, "Great! We look forward to seeing you!"

We are the same way. We have plenty of room for friends and family. Of course, the word has gotten out that we run a "hotel" in our house. And, now, we'll be welcoming 14 family members to our home this weekend. That makes 17 with our own little family thrown into the mix.

Still, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[bethy]

If you care about their friendship and their feelings then I'd suck it up and host them eventually. It's what you do for people you care about. It's called hospitality. That said, I think it's perfectly fine and smart to have boundaries - like timing that also works for you and time to plan accordingly for groceries etc.

I am a little jaded - It makes me sad how uncommon it seems to be getting for people to host other people in their homes anymore. In any capacity: coffee, dinner, kids' birthday parties, occasional houseguests, etc.

 

[Sparx]

If you care about their friendship and their feelings then I'd suck it up and host them eventually. It's what you do for people you care about. It's called hospitality. That said, I think it's perfectly fine and smart to have boundaries - like timing that also works for you and time to plan accordingly for groceries etc.

I am a little jaded - It makes me sad how uncommon it seems to be getting for people to host other people in their homes anymore. In any capacity: coffee, dinner, kids' birthday parties, occasional houseguests, etc.

I think its possible to have boundaries with friends that don't include letting them "crash" in your home. Its one thing to have friends over for coffee, dinner, or a party, its another when six people are mooching free room and board off of you because they can't afford to take a vacation.

I think some of the responses are hilarious (the tent in the back yard is my favorite!) but I think the OP needs to firmly and politely put his(her?) foot down about this.

 

[Pumbaa_]

our septic system cannot support 6 additional people

 

[agnes!]

I think its possible to have boundaries with friends that don't include letting them "crash" in your home. Its one thing to have friends over for coffee, dinner, or a party, its another when six people are mooching free room and board off of you because they can't afford to take a vacation.

I think some of the responses are hilarious (the tent in the back yard is my favorite!) but I think the OP needs to firmly and politely put his(her?) foot down about this.

^^ This.

A couple of days, a long weekend...yeah, that wouldn't usually be a big deal for most folks but a WEEK ?!?... It might be different if the family brought a really nice hostess gift (maybe a needed small appliance, like a new blender) or pitched in on some big project around the house (that new shed the OP's family needs, etc.) but a WEEK is awfully long for 6 extra people to be underfoot. I get the feeling that this family just crashes and simply "vegetates" at the OP's house. Maybe they don't buy any groceries or make any meaningful contributions - make a few meals, take both families out to dinner a couple of times, order pizzas & rent some movies for a night in... you know, that kind of thoughtful stuff hosts love to have guests do.

I have a close relative who owns a lake house/cabin. We have relatives of relatives (no relation to us) who think they're entitled to always stay there free for a week every summer. This is after they've left huge stains on the carpets and not cleaned up after themselves plus they've never given any kind of host/hostess gift in return.
So yeah, after all that happened over a couple of years, it's always inconvenient to let them use the place now.

agnes!

 

[bethy]

In my earlier reply, that the OP should find a way to make it work if they care about this friendship I had somehow missed the fact that they wanted to come for a week. That is an example of a boundary that should be laid. In general most people understand that a week is too long to be a houseguest unless under dire circumstances or unless the hosting family has a huge house well-suited for guests. And also the gift of hopitality and desire to act on it.

I think limitng it to 2-3 nights is more than reasonable. And so is having some say in the timing and dates. And so is keeping the food basic and the costs reasonable.