what do you do when...

[saveaquarter]

My husband walks with the cane now and then (more often than not lately), and while grocery shopping, he'll leave it in the cart and use the cart to balance. Today while at the store, he turned away from his cart for a few minutes, and when he turned back, there were two boys sword fighting with his cane. He looked to their mother and she shrugged and said "Boys will be boys." He had to ask for the cane back.

Has anything like this happened to any of you? How did you handle it? Because of his asperger's, he had no idea what to do, and is completely thrown off tonight because of it. I think hearing some other's stories would help prepare him for future encounters.

 

[Kat77]

I'm at a loss for words. Dunno what I'd do/say....

 

[bookwormde]

Aspie pragmatism,

He got the cane back (undamaged I assume), It might have cost 30 second, why should make it his problem, the mom is the one who will eventually have to deal with more serious situations. While I will always “jump in” when I think I can make a difference this is not a situation where he can, actually a primarily disinterested reaction removes one to the primary incentive for the boys to do this, “to show off”. And when your children grow up and are well behaved it will give you a point of reference as to how good you are really doing.

Makes me wonder if the social skills curriculum that are being set up in schools for spectrum kids, are not gong to have broader needs an benefits.

Life is to short to worry about other people problems that you cannot have a significant positive impact on. It sound like he did not overact (a mature positive aspie trait) and that was the best course (better than most NTs would do)

NT social behavior is not logical, while I enjoy studying it I gave up worrying about it and feeling I had to emulate it all the time a long time ago, I suggest he consider the same and just look at it as an amusing experience.

bookwormde

 

[Piper]

I never leave my ECV outside a restaurant or store anymore because of an incident a few years ago. I came out of the restaurant to find a couple of children jumping off the seat of my ECV onto the ground while their parents watched. I said, "Excuse me. That is my ECV and I need to leave." The mother said, "Oh, we didn't know it belonged to someone."

Now, I have a sign on my basket that says "My Other Coach is now a pumpkin" I made a lime green seat cover with rhinestones in the shape of hidden Mickeys. It had my crutch holder attached.

Yeah, Disney just parks ECVs around the park so kids can play on them!

I had to adjust some wires before it would start and I have had trouble with my battery (even when I got a new one) dying about half-way through the day. That was never a problem before that!

 

[saveaquarter]

Aspie pragmatism,

He got the cane back (undamaged I assume), It might have cost 30 second, why should make it his problem, the mom is the one who will eventually have to deal with more serious situations. While I will always “jump in” when I think I can make a difference this is not a situation where he can, actually a primarily disinterested reaction removes one to the primary incentive for the boys to do this, “to show off”. And when your children grow up and are well behaved it will give you a point of reference as to how good you are really doing.

Makes me wonder if the social skills curriculum that are being set up in schools for spectrum kids, are not gong to have broader needs an benefits.

Life is to short to worry about other people problems that you cannot have a significant positive impact on. It sound like he did not overact (a mature positive aspie trait) and that was the best course (better than most NTs would do)

NT social behavior is not logical, while I enjoy studying it I gave up worrying about it and feeling I had to emulate it all the time a long time ago, I suggest he consider the same and just look at it as an amusing experience.

bookwormde

While being an aspie is making it hard for him to understand why the mother would allow this, and to let go, the truth is, he is upset because he is disabled, and depends on things and others for the first time in his life. Because he cannot walk without that cane, those boys were, essentially, playing with an extension of his body. While he is more frustrated and confused by the situation as a result of his Aspergers, it actually has little to do with why it upset him. He went so far as to apologize for asking for his own cane back, what I'd love to be able to do is give him ideas to empower himself, should something like this happen again in the future.

I never leave my ECV outside a restaurant or store anymore because of an incident a few years ago. I came out of the restaurant to find a couple of children jumping off the seat of my ECV onto the ground while their parents watched. I said, "Excuse me. That is my ECV and I need to leave." The mother said, "Oh, we didn't know it belonged to someone."

Now, I have a sign on my basket that says "My Other Coach is now a pumpkin" I made a lime green seat cover with rhinestones in the shape of hidden Mickeys. It had my crutch holder attached.

Yeah, Disney just parks ECVs around the park so kids can play on them!

I had to adjust some wires before it would start and I have had trouble with my battery (even when I got a new one) dying about half-way through the day. That was never a problem before that!

That's awful! I jokingly mentioned that scenario to him after the fact, wondering just how far the rudeness of some people can extend. I can't believe it actually happened to you! It's bad enough that they'd violate what is, essentially, your personal space in that manner, but to damage it as well. DH is honestly rather lucky that his cane was undamaged, it belonged to his great-grandfather, he'd have been absolutely heartbroken if it had been damaged. I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

[Earstou]

Maybe come up with a witty reply for him to practice and use, like maybe "sorry boys, but Capt. Jack needs his sword back". Problem is, will he ever encounter this exact situation again?
Possibly a better solution is to "bury" the cane under groceries or his coat so that it can't be reached easily.

By the way, in the past year, I've found 4 canes left in shopping carts in store parking lots, so remind dh to remember his cane!!!

 

[Schmeck]

No two people are exactly alike, be they diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome or not, so the advice given here may not work, or may even make the situation worse - but my advice is to basically talk the situation to death with him.

Ask him what worried him, what was he afraid was going to happen, what he would do if he couldn't get the cane back, etc. Having to process all the options in a situation gives feedback for the next situation - the world is not going to accommodate for everyone's needs all the time, and the best thing a parent or spouse can do is to help the person deal with the situations.

For your husband's situation, the conversation could revolve around who he could he have asked to help, could he have called you on his cellphone, maybe he could practice asking for something he wants from a clerk at the store, etc. You could even roleplay - take his pillow from his side of the bed and wait for him to ask for it back.

It sounds strange, I know. I do it 6-7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Ask me about the math police, and grammar police, and all the times I've watched my students just stand there waiting for someone to do something for them, but they haven't asked for help.

If you knew how many times a student has said "I have to write my name, but I don't have a pencil" and I've replied "So...", waiting for them to ask for a pencil. One of my students now says "I have to write my name, but I don't have a pencil, so... can I borrow one from your desk?" I love how he uses my so...!

Parents are not always going to be there to run interference (a crappy avoidance technique that does no good anyways) and even a spouse can't be there 24/7. We have to focus on giving our loved ones the tools they need to deal with the world on their own, instead of tooling the world for them.

The best success I've had with my students is to keep asking them what they'd do next - once they realize they have the ability to use what they know to get through a sticky situation, the confidence grows so quickly!

 

[saveaquarter]

Maybe come up with a witty reply for him to practice and use, like maybe "sorry boys, but Capt. Jack needs his sword back". Problem is, will he ever encounter this exact situation again?
Possibly a better solution is to "bury" the cane under groceries or his coat so that it can't be reached easily.

By the way, in the past year, I've found 4 canes left in shopping carts in store parking lots, so remind dh to remember his cane!!!

That's a great idea! We are hoping that it wont happen again, but having the contingency plan there if it does, is a huge help. And I'll be sure we keep an eye on the cane! That has to be an awful realization once someone figures out they've left that behind.

No two people are exactly alike, be they diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome or not, so the advice given here may not work, or may even make the situation worse - but my advice is to basically talk the situation to death with him.

Ask him what worried him, what was he afraid was going to happen, what he would do if he couldn't get the cane back, etc. Having to process all the options in a situation gives feedback for the next situation - the world is not going to accommodate for everyone's needs all the time, and the best thing a parent or spouse can do is to help the person deal with the situations.

For your husband's situation, the conversation could revolve around who he could he have asked to help, could he have called you on his cellphone, maybe he could practice asking for something he wants from a clerk at the store, etc. You could even roleplay - take his pillow from his side of the bed and wait for him to ask for it back.

It sounds strange, I know. I do it 6-7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Ask me about the math police, and grammar police, and all the times I've watched my students just stand there waiting for someone to do something for them, but they haven't asked for help.

If you knew how many times a student has said "I have to write my name, but I don't have a pencil" and I've replied "So...", waiting for them to ask for a pencil. One of my students now says "I have to write my name, but I don't have a pencil, so... can I borrow one from your desk?" I love how he uses my so...!

Parents are not always going to be there to run interference (a crappy avoidance technique that does no good anyways) and even a spouse can't be there 24/7. We have to focus on giving our loved ones the tools they need to deal with the world on their own, instead of tooling the world for them.

The best success I've had with my students is to keep asking them what they'd do next - once they realize they have the ability to use what they know to get through a sticky situation, the confidence grows so quickly!

This isn't strange at all, all of it is wonderful, and is very much in line with how we usually work through tough situations. What I was hoping for was a few scenarios to use as practice with him, and that's exactly what you gave me. Thank you so much, you're very very right that working through things, and giving him the tools to handle it on his own in the future is the way to go. His illness and mobility issues are new territory for both of us, and we both need a little guidance in how to proceed sometimes. While this exact scenario may not happen again, similar ones may, and talking things to death and roleplaying a few different scenarios can give him the right skills to draw on for those future encounters.

Usually, when he encounters something unknown that he has no idea how to work through, once he's had a chance to process it on his own, I'll ask him how he felt about it, and what confused him the most. I try to help him look at it from every angle he can, and what everyone involved could have done differently. "Some people are just jerks and you can't do anything about it" just isn't enough. With him, the worst thing to do is not talk about something. Thank you, again.