What do you do when you think a couple should get divorced?

[cardaway]

Ever know a couple that tells you they are getting a divorce and you are not at all surprised? Maybe even think - "it's about time".

But before they come to that decision do you tell them you hope they can work it out or do you tell try and help them find a way to move on and be happy?

 

[Melissa M]

Since I'm in the process of a divorce, I'll give my opinion. I'd just stay out of it, if at all possible. I've had to deal with a lot of well intentioned people meddling in my marriage - telling me to work it out or to just suck it up and deal with his crap. They didn't have to live in the marriage and aren't in a position to have a say.

I hope I don't come across as snarky. I'm kinda just venting out loud, not aiming my vent toward you personally.

 

[Poohgirl]

I wish my "friends" would have been a bit more honest with me. Instead of the little remarks about working it out, and doing what is best for my family, blah, blah, blah, I wish they would have told me what they knew about my snake of an ex so I wouldn't have had to waste the time I did for nothing.

It didn't need to be in a harsh or insulting way, just a caring, Im your friend I'll be here for you no matter what, but I saw this happening.... would have been much more helpful... just my take...

 

[momrek06]

MY SISTER. And yes her DH was the biggest loser. He did not work. Didn't feel the need to...SIS allowed the behavior. Sis worked THREE jobs. Loser did not do yard work...didn't feel the need to...SIS allowed the behavior...Loser did not do housework...didn't feel the need to...SIS allowed the behavior...Loser did not help with the baby...didn't feel the need to...SIS allowed the behavior....

I am not going to go on as you can see I have painted quite the picture for you...finally after years of Loser sleeping until 1PM every day and doing NOTHING...literally NOTHING and ALWAYS asking SIS for money like he was her teenage son or something...SIS said to him YOU HAVE TO GO....

But that being said she wanted NO INPUT from her immediate family....NONE. We did and said nothing to upset her. Secretly we were thrilled that she was finalllllllly moving on from this LOSER.

My family just felt it was in best interest of SIS and her DD that we all say nothing and support HER decision to leave him and start over.

SO, OP, I would say nothing and show SUPPORT in any way shape or form.

 

[ilovepcot]

What do you do when you think a couple should get divorced?


Nothing! Putting your two cents in (even when asked) can come back to haunt you. There's nothing like agreeing with a scorned woman about what a rat her DH is, only to have them reconcile. Then you have to look both of them in the eye. No...stay out of it!

 

[Cindyluwho]

My DH and I have very clear rules on this. We send both of them an email or card, cc'd to both so they know they've both recieved it. We tell them we are sorry to hear the news and we would like them both to know that no matter what, we will be suportive of them both and that we care about both of them and we'll never take sides. We also let their children know the same, either with a visit or a phone call. Even when we may absolutely HATE one of the partners, we still always do this. By putting it out there we keep them from bashing the other in front of us. Most importantly, it eases their minds knowing that there's at least someone out there who isn't taking sides.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Having just recently been there, I would just smile and support them in whatever their decision is. When our (fourth!) counselor told us we should separate, I got mad. When we actually did separate and a few other people told us we should try to work it out, I got mad. Just accept my decision and try to support me in that. That's all I ask.

 

[Pam]

I try to MMOB.

 

[AllyandJack]

I just nod my head a lot and say "uh-huh".

My best friend never should have gotten married. She REALLY shouldn't have had a baby in this miserable situation. But, what can you do?

I know she's not going to leave him, so I can't say anything bad about him. He's a liar. He's a cheat. He's a loser. She knows this. I won't be giving her any news by opening my mouth, so I just listen to her and agree with everything she says. He's great. He's a loser. He's great. He's a cheat. He's great. He's a liar. He's great. And on and on it goes.

 

[Laurajean1014]

You say nothing and support the people through this time. Friendship is the best thing you can give anyone going through a divorce. No-one needs a mouthpiece or someone telling them what they should or shouldn't do. That's not being friendly or a friend.

They need your cooperation, friendship and support.

 

[NMAmy]

As someone who has been divorced, I liked it best when people told me, "I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Please let me know if I can help in any way."

There's no need to tell them what you think they should do. No one enjoys going through a divorce and most people have already tried all avenues of working it out. There's also no need to say that you've always known what a jerk their spouse was. That made me feel like I'd made an awful choice to begin with--I was married for 13 years and only the last two were bad.

 

[cardaway]

I guess I have a hard time calling it support when it results in prolonging the bad situation.

 

[minnieandme]

I try to mind my own business. You don't want it to come back on you. Now if this person does end the relationship because of things you knew, then just say to yourself 'I told you so'

 

[mickeyfan2]

It really depends on the reason for the divorce. When abuse is involved then I help the friend fill out the papers.

 

[hlbtimes2]

One of my best friends filed for divorce this year. It took her a couple years to come to terms and actually do it. When she would talk about it, and look for input I would just tell her that I was her friend, and I would support what ever she decided to do.

Now that she has been free for a while she has asked our other friend and I why we didnt tell her to leave him sooner. All I can tell her is because it wasnt my place to tell her there. It had to be her choice.

 

[mickeyboat]

I guess I have a hard time calling it support when it results in prolonging the bad situation.

I would do what Amy said. Support doesn't mean you support the continuation of the marriage, it can mean support for someone while going through a tough time - watching the kids while they attend mediation, being there as a soundig board, extending an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner because dad has the kids this year.

Denae