What do you do if you really dislike your child's girlfriend?

[bunny]

My stepson is 21 and I have been married to his dad since he was 6. He lives in Las Vegas and we live in Pennsylvania. He is currently in an electrician apprenticeship program which he will complete in 2.5 years. Last spring his girlfriend, her mother, and her little sister moved in with him after dating for a few months. She was at the time still in high school. Her mother was about to get evicted from their apartment, so he let them all move in with him. The mother btw has 4 kids with 3 or 4 different dads (2 of which she has lost custody of) and is currently married to yet another man that does not live with them. My stepson is paying most of the rent for their house and the mom contributes a little when she has a job. He shares a room with his girlfriend. The girlfriend is now working part time at the mini Grand Prix in Las Vegas. I think that is some kind of go cart track.

They came to visit us over Thanksgiving. I told them ahead of time they were not sleeping in the same room which they didn't but complained about. We are Christians and have 2 small children of our own, so that was definitely not happening for them. At first she seemed nice enough but looked very unkempt. But over the course of the weekend her behaviour went down hill. She got drunk at two holiday parties by sneaking alcohol into plain cups. They rented a porno one night after we went to bed and left it on the TV for me to discover when I woke up. (What kind of people do that!) She basically stayed glued to him the entire time, so we could never speak to him alone. She sat on his lap at Thanksgiving Dinner and was licking his neck, etc. You get the idea. She also didn't help with anything and kept her room (my 11 year old son's room) very messy. Needless to say I was very relieved to see her go home yesterday.

On top of that, she kept talking about babies. She ran away from our house on Saturday when we sat them down for "the talk". Basically we told them as Christians we were oppposed to them living together, but since they are adults there really isn't anything we can do. But above all, we urged them to be responsible with birth control. She was mad when we said they needed to wait to have a baby.

We are scared to death that she will get pregnant. His mother basically did that to my husband and two other men. In fact she is alot like his mother, so I am sure that is part of the attraction. I told him to not rely on her for birth control, but I have a feeling that fell on deaf ears. My husband is especially concerned since this was him about 22 years ago. I just don't see any future with her. She has no ambition other than becoming a mom. And she isn't very smart. My stepson has never been a saint but has always been respectful when he was in our home. I think she is a bad influence on him.

I would appreciate any suggestions about how to talk to him about her.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

My stepson is 21 and I have been married to his dad since he was 6. He lives in Las Vegas and we live in Pennsylvania. He is currently in an electrician apprenticeship program which he will complete in 2.5 years. Last spring his girlfriend, her mother, and her little sister moved in with him after dating for a few months. She was at the time still in high school. Her mother was about to get evicted from their apartment, so he let them all move in with him. The mother btw has 4 kids with 3 or 4 different dads (2 of which she has lost custody of) and is currently married to yet another man that does not live with them. My stepson is paying most of the rent for their house and the mom contributes a little when she has a job. He shares a room with his girlfriend. The girlfriend is now working part time at the mini Grand Prix in Las Vegas. I think that is some kind of go cart track.

They came to visit us over Thanksgiving. I told them ahead of time they were not sleeping in the same room which they didn't but complained about. We are Christians and have 2 small children of our own, so that was definitely not happening for them. At first she seemed nice enough but looked very unkempt. But over the course of the weekend her behaviour went down hill. She got drunk at two holiday parties by sneaking alcohol into plain cups. They rented a porno one night after we went to bed and left it on the TV for me to discover when I woke up. (What kind of people do that!) She basically stayed glued to him the entire time, so we could never speak to him alone. She sat on his lap at Thanksgiving Dinner and was licking his neck, etc. You get the idea. She also didn't help with anything and kept her room (my 11 year old son's room) very messy. Needless to say I was very relieved to see her go home yesterday.

On top of that, she kept talking about babies. She ran away from our house on Saturday when we sat them down for "the talk". Basically we told them as Christians we were oppposed to them living together, but since they are adults there really isn't anything we can do. But above all, we urged them to be responsible with birth control. She was mad when we said they needed to wait to have a baby.

We are scared to death that she will get pregnant. His mother basically did that to my husband and two other men. In fact she is alot like his mother, so I am sure that is part of the attraction. I told him to not rely on her for birth control, but I have a feeling that fell on deaf ears. My husband is especially concerned since this was him about 22 years ago. I just don't see any future with her. She has no ambition other than becoming a mom. And she isn't very smart. My stepson has never been a saint but has always been respectful when he was in our home. I think she is a bad influence on him.

I would appreciate any suggestions about how to talk to him about her.

I don't really think there is much you can do other than support your son, and try to get him to realize what dead beats he has joined up with. Maybe someone can give you advice on how to tell him that WITHOUT really telling him. You don't want him to have anger towards you. Good luck.

 

[ilovejack02]

I have a 20 yr old stepson.. who I ADORE!

He lived with us from 8th grade till about 19. He is now on his own has a job and lives out of state. So I have a bit of a clue where you are coming from.
I have always been afraid he will follow down the same path as his BIO mom and my hubby. Too young and stupid to know any better , too smart ; ) to listen to anyone's advice.

All you can do is support him and love him. You can't nag him, but you can discuss it with him.
Tell him your fears.. without slamming the girl and after that you have to let him live his own life or he will shut you all out.

My DSS20 is not making the smartest decisions right now.. nothing major but if he doesnt grow up soon it could get bad.
We love him and try to help guide, but other than that, sweet boy is on his own. We will always be there if he needs us within reason, I will not raise a baby ( as long as there is no danger, if there is I will move heaven and earth to get child )if it should happen, but we will help and love him . We have raised him the best we could and now it is time for him to do with it what he will.

 

[Jennasis]

You do NOTHING. You stay out of his business and his personal life. You don't offer your take on their situation...that means you don't tell them that you don't approve of them living together, or tell them they need to wait to have a baby.

You butt out.

You offer love and support despite poor decisions, so that your stepson knows he can always call you for support. He is 21 and an adult. He WILL make bad choices. He WILL make mistakes.

 

[sbell111]

You don't approve of your adult son's choices regarding his girlfriend and their behavior. He lives on the other side of the country and his paying his way.

My only advise is to get over it and learn to be less judgemental.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

This is a very difficult situation. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. You have my sympathy. He has bonded with this family and wants to support them. He is a grown man and all you can do is love and support him. Be there for him when he wants to talk things out. You did your best raising him and hopefully, time will sort things out.

 

[bunny]

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

 

[N.Bailey]

He's not living under your roof and he's not a minor, I don't see that there is anything you can do. I really think you should bite your lip, because even if you don't like her, she may turn out to be the mother of your grandchild. I know you don't want that to happen, but if it did, I'm sure you'd want to see that child grow.

I don't care for my son's gf either. She's a cheat and a user, but my son adores her.

I am also not particularly crazy about my daughter's new bf. I think they are moving things along way too fast, too. Of course the new bf is the least of my worries where she is concerned.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

Depends. If they are living under your roof and you are paying for them, then you have some say in their life.

If they are moved out and paying their own way, you are done. Now you can express your opinion, which you did, but that is where it ends.

 

[NikitaZee]

I'm trying to see the situation from both sides (from what you've described). I wouldn't have been happy to find a porno left in my TV, or with DS's girlfriend getting drunk and behaving inappropriately, or with leaving your other son's room a mess. On the other hand, if I were your stepson and his girlfriend, I wouldn't appreciate having to sit down for 'the talk'. That talk should have been for your stepson alone, if he was agreeable to having it in the first place. They are adults, and do not live in your home, so their birth control methods (or lack thereof) are their business alone.

As far as what to do about the situation, I probably woudn't say much to your DSS. Offer advice if he asks for it, be a good listening ear if he needs it. Only he will decide what he'll do in terms of this relationship, and he'll be happy that you've been supportive of his feelings. Good luck - sounds like you're a caring mom and this is a tough situation for you.

 

[FireDancer]

I don't think there is anything you can do. My youngest brother took forever to grow up and made many bad decisions in his life. While they were happening I talked to him about it calmly but he had to make his mistakes and grow out of them. Now he is older, has stopped doing the things that were causing all of his problems, and is a professional upstanding adult.

The things you described are crazy. No way in a million years would I allow someone I was dating to sit on my lap and lick my neck at dinner. If I were sleeping at my mom's house we would sleep in different rooms because my mom is much like you in her views. I wouldn't be watching porn at my mother's house either.

I'm a little older than your son but I can say that when it comes to the people I date my friends have more influence over my decisions than my mom. My friends are more objective than my mom because moms are moms. I have close friends that know me and are free and open with their opinions so if they see a problem with someone I date they are probably valid.

I'm sure it is harder doing with a child what I was doing with my brother but in the end he is an adult and if you are too overbearing you will push him away.

Good luck, if the situation is how you descried it she sounds like a real problem and very immature.

 

[ilovejack02]

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

He is over 18 and not at home. You love him and yes you my express your fears but once it is said you must drop it.

My mom's best friend is very Christian. Her DD who is 30 is in a relationship she should not be in ( nothing dangerous, just wrong) . Her mother is hounding her constantly , all it is doing is totally pushing her out of her life , not helping the situation at all. She keeps saying it is because she loves her that she does this.
I keep telling you are going to love her so much you wont ever get to see your grandkids or her again.

 

[bunny]

On the other hand, if I were your stepson and his girlfriend, I wouldn't appreciate having to sit down for 'the talk'. That talk should have been for your stepson alone, if he was agreeable to having it in the first place.

We had the conversation alone with him. Unfortunately we did not realize she was standing in the hall and overheard some of it. We never criticized her. We just said he needed to finish his apprenticeship before having a baby. Apparently she doesn't want to wait.

 

[BlackPearl695]

Just let your son know that you love him and you will support him on WHATEVER decisions he makes. Letting him know that you disapprove is okay provided that you don't make him feel like you won't accept his decisions. That only leads to pushing him away!!! Don't ever treat her like she's not welcome or you will push him away. Set some ground rules with him when he comes to visit. Give him the, "you know that you father and I would never approve of that behavior in our house no matter who it is". Tell him that you want to see him use good judgement and that you just want him to be happy. He may make some mistakes (we all do), but if you're confident in the way you raised him, he will come around in his own good time.

 

[luvsJack]

Years ago I would have told you that you needed to butt out and let him make his own mistakes; but I have learned differently.

My youngest briefly dated a girl who I despised! I had never had an issue with any other girlfriend but there was nothing to like about this one. She lied and was manipulative, she wanted someone to support her and her two kids and thought ds was the one. I called her on the lies and we actually got into a shouting match. At first he fought me on it and I told him that he had to make his own mistakes but this was the reasons I disliked the girl. And I gave him my reasons. They continued to date for a short time, but eventually he broke away from her. He didn't want to listen to me at first but hearing me gave him the abilty to start seeing it on his own.

This girl sounds like she is waiting for the chance to trap your son. I would have to warn him over and over and over. He may never admit that you are right but he will hear you.

I don't think you are ever done "raising" your children. Some of the best advice my dad ever gave me was after I was grown and on my own.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Basically we told them as Christians we were oppposed to them living together, but since they are adults there really isn't anything we can do.

Your own advice is the best. Your son is a man. You have no control over him. If you attempt to assert control, he is more than likely to rebel even farther against the code to which you raised him.

 

[wendy46001]

Like others have said you cant do much, but you can encourage him and remind him he has your support. Keep telling him how proud you are he's about to finish his program, how you admire what a caring man he's become. Talk to him about his future, how he sees himself in a few years.

There is nothing wrong with pointing out his personal goals can be achieved easier if they wait before having a family

Though I do think you missed a lesson in table manners at thanksgiving

 

[Presentation]

Bunny, I don’t have a solution to offer you. I'm sorry.

I’d be fearful of many things. Just an example, him showing up on your doorstep with a baby in hand, penniless, single, jobless and asking to move back in.

Are you going to close your door on your grandchild?

I know of no solution. I will say a prayer for your family.

 

[bunny]

Though I do think you missed a lesson in table manners at thanksgiving

Definitely!

 

[N.Bailey]

Really??? So basically all parenting ends at age 18? Having a baby out of wedlock with a girl whose biggest ambition is working a minimum wage job is a decision that he will have to deal with for the rest of his life.

Don't you remember how you knew EVERYTHING at that age? It's not till around 29 that we start to understand how stupid we really are. If you put his GF down, it's you and your hubby that will be cut out, not the GF.

What would you have done if your parents told you they didn't approve of your husband and then tried to dictate when you were to start a family? You may have been older than the DS is now and could justify that there is indeed a difference (I don't doubt there was a huge difference), but how would you have responded to your parents if they tried to meddle that deeply into your personal adult life?

One thing you could do though is, pull up his state's formula for determining child support. Let him know how much a bad decision could cost him for the next 18 years (only talking financially, I'm sure he would love the child). If these 2 are that compatible, it likely won't matter since he'd just think that they would raise any children together. If however he's not sure this girl is the one (and she's too young to make this type of decision, IMO, and is still a minor), it might be enough for him to make sure he doesn't find himself in that position until he knows what he wants. If you are going to do this, I think you will have to tread lightly and not come across as if you're trying to manipulate him. My children are still at home, but this is a conversation that I've already had with them both.

I do think you have every right to insist that they not share the same bed in your house. That was under your roof.