What do you do for friends who've lost loved ones?

[rcyannacci]

Hi all, I just found out that a colleague in my department just lost her husband to cancer yesterday. Even though we have a "business-like" relationship, she's been so kind to me, such a warm and pleasant face to have around our department.

She and her husband were high school sweethearts, and I can't imagine how she and her 3 adult daughters will be able to cope with this loss. I feel even closer to the situation because when I was going through radiation therapy for a minor cancer-related situation (certainly minor compared to Marks), I would see them at the cancer center and we would give each other moral support.

Anyway, I want to do something for them, but just about anything I think of seems inadequate right now. I know my department will organize something in a few days, but I wanted to do something for her today. I know food is traditional, so I was thinking of making a fruit salad to take over- it's obviously hot here in TX and I keep thinking that if I were upset, fruit is one of the only things I could probably stomach.

I guess I'm just really rattled by the whole situation, and I thought some of you might have some good ideas of what you've done in the past or even what others might have done for you that helped you through a difficult time.

 

[pumba]

maybe some dinners that can be frozen and used later so they won't have to cook when they dont' want to.......get a turkey and cook it and they can slice it and freeze it or have it at a later date.......How about you and your daughters offering to care for any relatives children that may come from away .,.......so they can attend the wake or the funeral........this was what was done for our family when my nephew died from a car accident..........whatever you and others do......later ........they will appreciate it...

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I like to make a care basket with comfort things that last a while, such as canned soups, pasta, candles with calming scents, books with comforting thoughts/words/poems, etc.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I'm so sorry! Food is a good idea. When my husband died, there was a mom's group at my church that made meals and brought them over every day. I was so fortunate to have them! Each day someone else came with something and spent time visiting. It was incredible. Spending time with someone is a joy also!!

My husband had died in November, and in December I certainly didn't feel like celebrating the holidays. My boss and coworkers gave me a small artificial tree all decorated and gifts for my baby at the time. Such a sweet gesture from them. And what they did was the only reason I tolerated the holidays! Amazing what little things can do.

 

[JessetheCowgirl]

I usually take a dinner right away, then again in a couple of weeks when alot of the "good will" seems to have slowed down.

And, if you have kids as well, go pick up the kids for play dates. I think it is so important for the children to keep a routine going, and to still have PLAY time.

If they do not have a hired person doing the lawn, that is another idea.

Cards, phone calls, and visits are also usually appreciated.

 

[mrsltg]

One of the best things to do is write a letter offering support and saying basically what you said in your OP. Don't ask "how can I help?" People often can't think of something that they need. Instead say, "Can I bring your family dinner next Wednesday?", or, "I'd love to come to come by and mow your lawn for you. Would Monday be ok?" When you are in that initial shock period you aren't always able to communicate your needs, having someone offer very specific things is very helpful. Most of all, just listen to what she does have to say and don't disappear after a month or two. The hardest part of grieving is when everyone else has seemed to have forgotten.

Erin

 

[NMAmy]

I always do food as well. Since your friend's children are adults, she may not feel like cooking for herself later after the funeral when she's really all alone. I make several small portions of spaghetti sauce or chili and freeze them for later meals when she just needs a meal for one.

Plus Erin has some great points. It's after the funeral when the grieving really takes place.

 

[rcyannacci]

Thanks for all of the suggestions. I think I'll go ahead and make a casserole, but split it into two smaller dishes so she can decide if she wants to heat it for people now or save it for herself later. And, I'll make sure there is a support system within the department to keep checking in with her all through the fall and holidays.

Thanks again.