What did you vow?

[HamTown]

In the United Methodist marriage service, obey isn't in the book anymore.

That said, my DH (a minister) will sometimes slip it in during the rehearsal to try to break the ice (depends on the couple). The brides usually say it and then look at him in horror while the groom breaks into a huge grin.

It will never be used in the actual service with DH as the officiant unless both bride and groom use it in their vow.

The only time I've heard it used recently was at a wedding in a fundamentalist church.

 

[mrsklamc]

I did say it...We take our religion very seriously and I had some kind of naive idea that we were making a point about it that way, husband is the spiritual leader, etc...

But really our marriage doesn't work that way and even if someone shared the 'leadership' idea...true 'leadership' doesn't play out as having someon 'obey' you.

 

[Ember]

We wrote our entire ceremony together. When it came to the vows, I wasn't promising anything I didn't mean. This is what we vowed to each other (it was the same for both):

"I _____ take you ______ to be my husband from this time onward. To join with you and to share all that is to come. To be faithful and honest. To give and to receive. To speak and to listen. To inspire and to respond. A commitment made in love, kept in faith, and eternally made new."

 

[NMAmy]

I am still very up in the air. DF and I are partners in life, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't marry him if I didn't trust him 100%, to me that means I trust that he would never force me into obeying something I really didn't want to do, or feel was right.

I trust DH 100%. That doesn't mean that he's 100% right all the time. I'm not either. It's a partnership with both of us listening to the other and making decisions together.

To me, the word "obey" implies that someone is making me do something whether or not I agree with it. Others may see it differently and that's fine. But I could never spend my life with someone who felt they always had the final say in things that effect my life and my child's life.

 

[Aisling]

I am still very up in the air. DF and I are partners in life, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't marry him if I didn't trust him 100%, to me that means I trust that he would never force me into obeying something I really didn't want to do, or feel was right.

I'm going to be bold and tell you not to say "obey". It's such a strong unloving word and so not necessary in marriage vows. If you vow to love, honor and cherish your DF, and stay true to those words, everything else will fall into place in your marriage.

Also, I think many men get a bit of a head trip when at the altar they hear their wife promise to obey them. Having said that word during my vows, I can say from experience that it's not a great way to start off a marriage. If you trust him and he trusts you, don't say obey!

 

[My sister's princess]

We wrote our entire ceremony together. When it came to the vows, I wasn't promising anything I didn't mean. This is what we vowed to each other (it was the same for both):

"I _____ take you ______ to be my husband from this time onward. To join with you and to share all that is to come. To be faithful and honest. To give and to receive. To speak and to listen. To inspire and to respond. A commitment made in love, kept in faith, and eternally made new."

I like this one, it is very sweet

 

[moon]

I'm going to be bold and tell you not to say "obey". It's such a strong unloving word and so not necessary in marriage vows. If you vow to love, honor and cherish your DF, and stay true to those words, everything else will fall into place in your marriage.

Also, I think many men get a bit of a head trip when at the altar they hear their wife promise to obey them. Having said that word during my vows, I can say from experience that it's not a great way to start off a marriage. If you trust him and he trusts you, don't say obey!

ITA. I don't get how in a true, real partnership, the word obey would even be considered. Once it is, there's no partnership. Children obey, pets obey, employees obey. None in these examples are equal partner to whom they obey

 

[Aisling]

ITA. I don't get how in a true, real partnership, the word obey would even be considered. Once it is, there's no partnership. Children obey, pets obey, employees obey. None in these examples are equal partner to whom they obey

Some religions teach that the husband is the head of the household and should be "obeyed". I know a few people from my previous church that took it very seriously. BUT you can still have a marriage treating your husband as the head without vowing to obey. If his idea is good, you can obey him. If his idea sucks, tell him to come up with something better and then you'll obey.

 

[My sister's princess]

If his idea is good, you can obey him. If his idea sucks, tell him to come up with something better and then you'll obey.

 

[dawn1620]

Yeah, the word obey wasn't coming anywhere near our vows.

We had to do pre-marital counseling with the minister who married us and on our last visit he showed us a copy of the program. We asked if any parts could be cut out and he told us what had to stay. We cut if from a 20+ minute program down to about 8 minutes and that was the first thing to go.

 

[smhogar]

I got married in June and we used:

“I, ____ take you, ____ to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

I was adamant that the word obey be left out. What a ridiculous thing to promise to do! And it usually is one sided-for the woman to say it. We promised to love, honor, and cherish. Cherish is so much nicer to promise than Obey.

I'm pretty "traditional" but no way was I going to agree to "obey"! My mother did (yuck)

 

[Lindsay22]

I got married in June and we used:

“I, ____ take you, ____ to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

This is what I used as well.
Our original vows read something like "I blank take you to be husband. I pledge to you my love and my loyalty." and "I blank to you to be my wife. I pledge to you my love, my loyalty and my LEADERSHIP."

I explained to our minister that the leadership stuff needed to be changed PRONTO, because if we were following his leadership, we were in for some big problems.

 

[MELSMICE]

Ours went something along the lines of "promise to be true to you in good times & in bad, in sickness & in health, for better or for worse........I will love you & honor you all the days of our lives."

Had to memorize those suckers 22 years ago as we recited them instead of repeating them & I guess they stayed with me pretty good!

 

[bumbershoot]

I am still very up in the air. DF and I are partners in life, but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't marry him if I didn't trust him 100%, to me that means I trust that he would never force me into obeying something I really didn't want to do, or feel was right.

Doesn't mean you have to say it just to prove a point that you trust him entirely, so much that you will obey him.


We wrote ours entirely with the help of a couple celtic/wicca sorts of handfasting books...

"M/R, is it your wish to take R/M to be your husband/wife*? To join together your heart unto his, uniting your spirit and his into a common being, gifting him with your trust, respect, and abiding love for so long as you both shall live?"

Then we had some Buddhist stuff at the end that was vaguely about reincarnation...we wanted to say what we wanted to say but we didn't to offend my stepdad and his new wife, or my aunt, who are all of a traditional American religion. We should have just gone for what we wanted, especially since the new wife didn't even show up at the wedding or reception (sat at the hotel), and stepdad and new wife didn't even come to the rehearsal dinner (something we realized something like 4 years later)...but we were trying hard to be inclusive at the time.

When we have our renewal (which I started planning during our reception, if not before) it will be us, us, and ALL us.


*should have said spouse