What advice would you give my friend about this situation?

[NY Disney fan]

My friend lives in an old and outdated home. He owns the home outright because his parents died and left it to him with no mortgage and it is in good condition but everything is from 1971 including the kitchen and bathrooms. He is single and pushing 40 but makes a good salary and has a six-figure emergency fund. (like $100K)



I went to his home and although it is nice, it is falling apart from the inside. He lives like a pauper. I tell him to spend just a little money to fix it up (in case he meets a nice girl and they decide to get married). He says he doesn't want to spend money becuase he thinks he will have none left. He doesn't feel comfortable spending money but said if he had $3million in the bank he could breathe easy. Because he is not a millionaire he can't breathe easy.



Mind you, he has no debt, no mortgage and no student loans. Do most men think like this? Is this a psychological issue?

 

[Princesca]

I think this is a psychological issue. In my experience, women tend to worry (as a gender) more about money than men do, unless that man is the sole breadwinner for a family. And even then, most of the women I know in that situation worry more.

My gut reaction is that there's something else going on beneath the surface, here. I often feel that a home is an outward manifestation of someone's psyche. If he's living in a house that's literally decaying from the inside, and he doesn't seem to mind it that much, and has somewhat of a money-hoarding mentality (and I have a feeling that even if he got to $3M, that wouldn't be enough for him), it makes me feel that he should probably talk with a counselor. He may be feeling somewhat at a loss, with his parents dead, being in his 40s and not married, and without (I presume) kids.

 

[maggiew]

Maybe the way its decorated, etc. reminds him of his parents and he doesn't want to change it because he thinks it will be disrespectful to them? Maybe he is having issues dealing with it??

Maggie

 

[punkin]

Definitely some issues here besides money.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Maybe the way its decorated, etc. reminds him of his parents and he doesn't want to change it because he thinks it will be disrespectful to them? Maybe he is having issues dealing with it??

Maggie

That's what I thought too! But he says no, he says he doesn't know where his next dollar is going to come from. He's been working steadily over the past 6 years but never feels safe at his job. In fact, he doesn't feel safe doing anything. He thinks life is too unpredictable to go out and live.

 

[beansmom]

well, first off, if HE didn't ask for your 'advice', i would say MYOB. It's his home and if he likes it, he likes it. If he doesn't, then eventually he will do something about it.

And...imho, men just really don't care about that kinda stuff the way we girls do. That nesting thing is a 'chick thing'. My DH couldn't possibly care less if all the handtowels in the bathroom go with the red rug or if they are pink and purple with the red rug. (He's SUCH a design CRETIN!)

 

[Princesca]

That sounds like depression issues to me. Honestly, probably selling that house for the capital and renting an apartment might be a far better idea for him. Or even buying another house, but one not so full of memories for him.

But I think he really should talk to someone, either way. Be careful of yourself, too... I know from experience that, if you are a caring friend, people like this can sometimes just suck the energy right out of you. Don't try to take it upon yourself to talk him through all this. Be there for him, to offer hugs and kind words, but I would be firm on encouraging him to talk to someone. Do a little research and find a recommended therapist or counselor, and give him their contact info in as delicate a way as you can.

 

[beansmom]

k, i just read your second post.

If he is financially 'insecure' then that is probably pretty smart in this day and age. How many of us have 'fancied up' our lives with stuff and now wish we had that money in the bank for the hard times that are surely coming?

You can't fix him. Your perception and his are different and if you're not willing to help him pay his bills, then I think you should let your friend live his life the way he wishes.

 

[bpesch]

I suspect there is more going on here with him but as another poster said, if he hasn't asked for your opinion, better to MYOB.

 

[NY Disney fan]

well, first off, if HE didn't ask for your 'advice', i would say MYOB. It's his home and if he likes it, he likes it. If he doesn't, then eventually he will do something about it.

My goodness, aren't we cheery this morning. As a matter of fact I saw him Sunday and he did ask for my advice and I didn't know what to tell him. He doesn't like his house the way it is and yes he is depressed. So maybe I should just chalk it up to depression.

 

[Traveliz]

My friend lives in an old and outdated home. He owns the home outright because his parents died and left it to him with no mortgage and it is in good condition but everything is from 1971 including the kitchen and bathrooms. He is single and pushing 40 but makes a good salary and has a six-figure emergency fund. (like $100K)



I went to his home and although it is nice, it is falling apart from the inside. He lives like a pauper. I tell him to spend just a little money to fix it up (in case he meets a nice girl and they decide to get married). He says he doesn't want to spend money becuase he thinks he will have none left. He doesn't feel comfortable spending money but said if he had $3million in the bank he could breathe easy. Because he is not a millionaire he can't breathe easy.



Mind you, he has no debt, no mortgage and no student loans. Do most men think like this? Is this a psychological issue?

Ok don't mean to pick on you but which do you mean - is it in good condition but just outdated or really falling apart?

My home is old and has a very outdated kitchen. It all works though and frankly we just don't eat at home alot so its not a huge priority to me.

If that is just the case and he does meet a nice girl and want to get married he will have the money to fix it the way she likes.

Liz

 

[Traveliz]

My goodness, aren't we cheery this morning. As a matter of fact I saw him Sunday and he did ask for my advice and I didn't know what to tell him. He doesn't like his house the way it is.

Well if that is the case - that he doesn't like it - he may just feel overwelmed - home improvement projects aren't my forte and I wouldn't begin to know where to go to get something started whereas other friends seem to have contractors on speed dial.

Liz

 

[NY Disney fan]

Ok don't mean to pick on you but which do you mean - is it in good condition but just outdated or really falling apart?

Liz

Its a solid brick home but around the outside the stones on the pavement are all loose and inside the home is just dark and shabby. Everything is in working order though (as far as I know) except one of the bathrooms which can't be used.

 

[beansmom]

My goodness, aren't we cheery this morning. As a matter of fact I saw him Sunday and he did ask for my advice and I didn't know what to tell him. He doesn't like his house the way it is and yes he is depressed. So maybe I should just chalk it up to depression.

#1---i don't need your comment on my disposition. YOU asked for opinions and I gave mine. You did not indicate that he ASKED for your help. So, I stand by my first comment.

#2-since we know now that he DID ask, I would turn him on to all the DIY shows on tv, DIY blogs. There's tons of stuff out there that doesn't cost a lot to do. But it's sort of something he will have to himself as personal tastes vary.

If the house isn't the core issue, then you are, indeed, a very good friend to listen to him and be concerned. Listening and showing care are probably the best things you can do.

 

[Mrs D]

My goodness, aren't we cheery this morning. As a matter of fact I saw him Sunday and he did ask for my advice and I didn't know what to tell him. He doesn't like his house the way it is and yes he is depressed. So maybe I should just chalk it up to depression.

This appears to be the issue. He should talk with someone about his depression.

 

[Princesca]

I don't think it is ever a good idea to MYOB if you suspect that you have a friend who is suffering from depression. I can't imagine it would ever hurt to tell someone that you are concerned for them, and to encourage them to seek some professional guidance.

I'm a little skeptical of the psychology industry, more a fan of making lifestyle changes until you find something that works for you, but I have seen too many people hurt themselves, or worse, to feel like I should just sit by and not say anything if I see someone I think is in crisis.

 

[beansmom]

Its a solid brick home but around the outside the stones on the pavement are all loose and inside the home is just dark and shabby. Everything is in working order though (as far as I know) except one of the bathrooms which can't be used.

again, DIY. HE can fix the stones for very little $. Paint is cheap and there are soooo many cheap DIY's he can do, including updating stuff that you would think was beyond hope.

check out

www.betterafterblogspot.com for some ideas. If he truly wants to change up the house, that's a great place for inspiration.

 

[NY Disney fan]

#1---i don't need your comment on my disposition. YOU asked for opinions and I gave mine. You did not indicate that he ASKED for your help. So, I stand by my first comment.

Had I known I would not have asked for yours.

Thank you to everyone else who responded with helpful comments. I really do appreciate it.

 

[beansmom]

I don't think it is ever a good idea to MYOB if you suspect that you have a friend who is suffering from depression. I can't imagine it would ever hurt to tell someone that you are concerned for them, and to encourage them to seek some professional guidance.

and i repeat...her first post did not indicate that her advice was sought...just that she wanted to give it. OP did clarify that issue and I altered my thoughts.

 

[Arielle22]

My goodness, aren't we cheery this morning. As a matter of fact I saw him Sunday and he did ask for my advice and I didn't know what to tell him. He doesn't like his house the way it is and yes he is depressed. So maybe I should just chalk it up to depression.

My older brother is unmarried with no children. He inherited our family home after mom died (dad died years before). I told him he should sell the home and get a small 2 bedroom condo where he wouldn't have to do upkeep. He didn't want to move and the home is slowly deteriorating around him. He barely keeps the grass mowed.

A house needs continually upkeep, even minor repairs. Without it, in a decade or so the house will be in shambles.

In this economy I would think your friend could find a contractor to do some updating without it breaking the bank. Sometime small touches make a big difference, such as painting, replacing an old toilet and counter in the bathroom or new cabinet pulls in the kitchen.

So I suggest you try getting him to do small repairs. Once he sees the changes maybe it will inspire him to continue. Are you handy, can you help with some small things?