We're 40 and we're going to WDW, darn it!

[DexLabDeeDee]

Before We Can Go Forward, We Have to Go Back


Soooooooo.........I've been gone from these boards for a LONG time. Before I can get into the fun, I have to get serious.



I'm going to start at the beginning. And the end. And a beginning. But really an end. You can see that I am a wonderful writer, succinct, clear, beautiful.

In 2016, DH and I had been married for 10 years without having any kids despite trying. DH was bummed. I was sort of bummed but I had looked at all the parents around me and thought, "That looks exhausting." So I decided that we were going to not have kids. And you know what no kids means, right???? DISNEY WORLD EVERY YEAR!



With no kids, I would have more time and money and wouldn't have to deal with the kid drama and paraphernalia at the parks! Win win win. Except that DH doesn't like WDW. But he does like New Orleans. So we would go to NOLA every year and then I would go to WDW with whoever was free to go (no kids).

I was also getting really involved in the Disboards and had friends and a community of people who GOT me. I was really excited with my decision and happy that I wouldn't have to stress every month over whether or not I was pregnant.

You can probably guess where this is going. I went gluten free in May 2016 to avoid inflammation attacks on my thyroid. In Jan 2017 I discovered that I was pregnant.




THAT's a whole story in itself. In a nutshell, I got placed with an IUD in Dec so that I would close the kid door without the stress of wondering each month. My DH wasn't happy but I was done and ready to move on. In Jan, I took my last pregnancy test on a whim and found out that I was pregnant. I FREAKED out. I had the IUD in, was worried that I was killing my baby, and overall it was a complete shock. The doctor did get the IUD out safely and after a few terrifying weeks, we knew we had a viable baby.

And just like that, I had to do a complete 180 in my head. No kid -> kid. WDW all the time -> Disney when???



I was scheduled to do a trip in May 2017 and I was determined to go even though I was pregnant and sick as a dog. It wasn't exactly a mistake but it wasn't a good idea either. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had pre-partum anxiety. And a cervix that bled like a MF. Every time I got bumped on even a gentle ride, my anxiety spiked. And then I would bleed. And then I would be convinced I was losing the baby. I couldn't tell the difference between a little bit of "normal" (for me) blood and miscarriage blood.

I did eventually end up in the ER in a complete panic and flew home early. I got checked out and the baby was fine.

The trip wasn't totally a disaster because I was in Disney. But I couldn't do my favorite rides and I was ball of anxiety. For me, being pregnant in Disney is not a good idea. I did see lots of very pregnant women who seemed to be rocking it. I was totally jealous. I was 4 months along and a total wreck.

I was happy about my baby but I was also grieving for the life that I had planned for myself. Would I ever be me again? Or would I just be "Mom"? Completely lost to the needs of a child. I drew away from WDW and the Disboards because it was too painful for me. In my head, I didn't belong anymore.



In Sept 2017, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Just as I had a rough pregnancy, I had a rough maternity leave. My anxiety got worse but I did get help. I found a team of people to help and I got my anxiety under control. It took awhile but I did realize that I was still me on the inside. I had a baby, yes, but that only added to my identity, not took away.

But the reality was that WDW was not going to be an option for awhile. DH quit his job to stay at home so I was the sole breadwinner. Money was a bit tight and I couldn't mentally deal with all the extra baby stuff at WDW.

I made a promise to myself (and informed DH) that I was going to go to WDW to celebrate my 40th birthday in 2021. AND I was going to go twice. Once with my two other friends who were also turning 40 and once with my family and all the kids.



And I was going to try and find my new self in the Disboards/WDW community.

What could go wrong??

10/21 - I'm Going Crazy and I Don't Care
10/27 - And By the Way....Hi!

 

[GBRforWDW]

Congrats on the baby! And happy 40th! I spent my 40th at WDW in January this year and it was glorious! . Enjoy your trip!

 

[Woth2982]

Congrats on a healthy baby boy! I am turning 40 in February, and we had planned a big family Disney Cruise, well about 2 months after we booked the trip I found out I was pregnant and am due in March! So we have bumped the trip to May, but I am still excited to celebrate my 40th on a cruise, just a few months late!

 

[DeeBee3]

See, I use the kids as an excuse as to why I always go to Disney. "They" want to go...

 

[DexLabDeeDee]

Congrats on the baby! And happy 40th! I spent my 40th at WDW in January this year and it was glorious! . Enjoy your trip!

Thank you, thank you!

Congrats on a healthy baby boy! I am turning 40 in February, and we had planned a big family Disney Cruise, well about 2 months after we booked the trip I found out I was pregnant and am due in March! So we have bumped the trip to May, but I am still excited to celebrate my 40th on a cruise, just a few months late!

February is my bday month too!!

See, I use the kids as an excuse as to why I always go to Disney. "They" want to go...

I didn't even THINK of that. (Duh) Thanks for the wonderful idea!! To me, Disney is an adult place....

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

I’m so looking forward to hearing the rest of this trip report!

 

[DexLabDeeDee]

I'm Going Crazy and I Don't Care!

Well, that's not entirely true. I absolutely do care that I am having a mentally difficult time. BUT I don't care that I am going to use it as an excuse to do something a bit nuts!

I'm interrupting my own trip report for Spring 2022 to insert a mini trip report!

TO DISNEY!!



I KNOW! It's craaaaaazy.

My sister is currently down there. And sending a lot of awesome pictures and having a blast. And it hurts. Like physically in my chest hurts. I didn't expect that. This is a trip that her and my BIL have been planning since before covid and then had to put on hold due to covid. This is not an unexpected trip and long due for her. I know that I am going in the spring. Why does this hurt so much???

I also have to explain something else. In addition to the whole having-a-baby mind turn-around and PPA - post-partum anxiety, something serious happened at work where HR had to get involved. About a year after my son was born, a coworker retaliated against me after I asked the person (in front of other people) to stop with their inappropriate (for years!) behavior. The coworker didn't take it well and did something deeply harmful to me. HR investigated, found that the person did indeed retaliate, and they took some action. The action? Get ready because it's a doozy: The coworker was moved to another area. I know, serious consequences for sure. Meanwhile, I went to trauma therapy.

Things were going really well for awhile. I had a new manager that I really liked. Trauma therapy was going really well. I thought that I could find my way through this and stay with the team that I loved. Then came this past Jan. Work made some changes and the coworker was brought back to my area. I'm sure in their minds, it was "in the past" and the coworker had learned their lesson. (HA!) Well, this person is not that type of person. Through the grapevine, I know this person is the exact same as before and my mind melted at the thought of the coworker being back on the team. My job requires a lot of interaction and cooperation between team members. We have to work as a team otherwise the outcome for us as individuals is bad. I absolutely believe that this person would sneakily sabotage any one of us.

Fortunately, the coworker has been on assignment for the last 6 months so I haven't had to interact with them. That assignment ends soon. I just found out. My manager pretty much told me that their hands are tied and the coworker is coming back (against my strenuous objections). I don't want to go back to HR because though they did find in my favor, it was not a positive experience at all. My only option is to leave. I have been looking for a new job for awhile but nothing yet. I do have some options, they're just taking time. And I'm feeling the clock ticking with every day that goes by. Coworker coming back, coworker coming back, coworker coming back. My anxiety and panic are through the roof. My trauma therapy has taken several steps back. It's been extremely difficult. I would take some leave but I need to be available in case any of my options come through.

It's really hard to describe what it's like going through something like this. A lot of people in my life really don't understand. They are very sympathetic but also confused. The best I can do to explain is to tell them to picture a situation where you were sure you were going to die or had overwhelming panic. Like a car accident/close call or a dark alley where you felt danger, something like that. Then, you get out of it, you walk away. You are shaken-up but you survived. But then, imagine getting up right back into that exact situation and now it's worse because you know how it feels and this time, you might not walk away intact.

So....yeah.....this just became a dark trip report. Sorry about that!



(It's going to get better, I promise.)

Right now, I am so consumed with everything going on, I'm getting lost in my own mind. (Luckily, my personal life is good, minus covid, which does NOT help.) What I really need is to step out of myself and my environment and rejuvenate. Get some new perspective without responsibilities, like being a mom 24/7. I love my son but did you know that kids were WORK??

(They are also little balls of joy. And weirdness. As I'm typing this, my son came up to me and gave me an empty mesh bag. He told me there were dates in there. And fish. I'm supposed to eat them. (I hate both those things, btw.) But I pretend to eat and tell him how nummy they are. He THEN gleefully tells me that the fish are IN the dates! And claps with joy. Oh my, what a fun surprise! The only thing better than fish AND dates are fish IN dates! Even nummier! 4-year-olds are wonderful weirdos. Or whatevers.)



Back to my story (it's not hard to find, these ninjas are not just of the body but of the mind....Turtle Power? From the 1991 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? No? Just me? Okay.) -

The other day, while I was in bed trying to breathe through my anxiety and get to sleep, I thought about just looking at airline tickets to go down to Orlando. Just to see. Like in a couple of weeks or next month or whatever.

Well, guess what? I found tickets for $100 roundtrip through Southwest!! Are you kidding me??? That is insanely cheap! I didn't want to get too excited so I closed my phone and went back to trying to fall asleep. After all, I have a job, a 4-year-old, and a DH who goes hunting weekends in Nov. How could I make this all work?

I couldn't get it out of my mind so I floated it to DH the next day. He said it was really cheap. And I asked what he thought of me possibly going if I could keep expenses down. He said, "Doesn't matter, you are just going to do whatever you want."

Ouch.

I left it for the moment to think. I was hurt. And feeling shamed. What I got from it was "You are just going to do whatever you want without regard to what I want or my feelings". And it was probably deserved. Sometimes, when I feel very strongly about an idea, I do whatever it takes to make it happen. Within reason. I don't "extort and pilfer and pillage and sack". I'm not a pirate.



I do take his thoughts and feelings into consideration. I do it all the time. All the time. More than he realizes. Which is part of the problem. He doesn't see it because it's a constant, little thing that just happens. When it comes to the big things, it's usually something that I need badly. I don't pull out the "big guns" unless I absolutely need it. I don't think that DH really understands because he is so even keel that he rarely feels that strongly about something. Or gets upset or experiences anxiety. And if he does feel strongly about something, he does speak up and I do listen. I have canceled many plans for him.

Okay, well, that's more than you needed to know about me, I'm sure.

Let's wrench this back to the story once again-
I can't let it go because it does feel like a lifeline that I desperately need. I table the talk with DH until I can get more information. I talk to my parents and my sisters and they are very supportive and don't think it's crazy. So, that's good. I'm not out of my mind quite yet.



I do some research and some Disney math - I LOVE Disney math! - and I can use points to stay at a Marriot property mid-Nov, fly for about $106 roundrip with 1 stop (boo but oh well), and get an annual pass for my ticket!

YAYYY!!!!!!

It's on my Disney bucket list to be an annual passholder. It's cheaper to get one instead of individual tickets for this Nov trip, the spring break friend trip, and the family Oct 2022 trip. (3 trips in one year is INSANE to me!) And I can buy the annual pass using my Disney Visa Rewards that I have been saving up for YEARS for such an occasion. (I have the Chewbacca card and I love it! (We'll talk about my feelings for Star Wars in a different post. I have LOTS of feelings about old canon vs new canon. See BIG feelings here all the time. )

And I asked my parents if they could watch our 4-year-old while DH is out hunting and I'm at Disney. And they could!

I talked to DH again last night with my plans laid out and we talked a little about what he said. He was on board as long as our 4-year-old was taken care of. Turns out he has BIG feelings around going hunting.

So that's where I'm at now. I still haven't settled on my dates and my plane tickets. Looking at hotels. That will be my next post!

I'm also trying to see if someone can go with me but either way, I'm going!!


Thanks for sticking around through it all!

 

[ZeeWP]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you went through at work. It's absolute BS.

 

[DexLabDeeDee]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you went through at work. It's absolute BS.

Thank you. It is absolute BS. Total and utter BS.

 

[DexLabDeeDee]

And By the Way...Hi!

So this is a little embarrassing. And awkward. I haven't introduced myself. I just jumped into the "stranger over-share" phase.

I am Dexlabdeedee. It's from the Cartoon Network show from the early 2000s called Dexter's Lab. It was about a boy mad scientist and his sister is Deedee who always messed up his lab/plans. (You can see her in my avatar.) One of Dexter's catchphrase was "Deedee, you are stoooopid!"

I chose this screen name because I am a scientist and I do sciency-things and I watched Dexter's Lab a lot in college while I was studying to be a scientist. And Deedee because I am a girl and often thought to be "stoooopid" because I'm a female in a male-dominated field and often thought to be stupid or "fluffy". And I look young and am not always taken seriously. So I thought I would own it in a fun way.

Here is me with my new Beauty and the Beast Aloha ears:



I live in Minnesota with my DH and Mr. Wiggles (or Shorty as my husband calls him). He is small for his age and burns off any food that he eats (which isn't much) by bouncing, jumping, and running all over the place.

Here is him:



Sorry, you'll have to turn your head sideways. I'm not sure why this is on its side.

My DH is a SAHD and I'm hybrid going in and working from home. So the days can be really interesting. I don't have a dedicated office space and work mostly at the kitchen table where everyone is all the time. That will need to change soon because a bouncy 4-year-old is extremely distracting.

Like I mentioned, the last time I was in WDW was 2017 and I was pregnant. The time before that was 2016. So the last time I rode my favorite ride, Expedition Everest, was 2016.

My favorite park is AK. I love to stay onsite and rent a car so I'm really frustrated with the paid parking at the Disney resorts. That was part of the benefit to staying onsite. It's really becoming difficult to justify the price of even the value resorts at Disney. I don't like public transportation because I have no control over when they arrive/leave and who knows if the bus will be full and we'll have to wait for the next one, etc. Plus I get motion sick on buses and cars which I don't get if I'm the driver. (Not that I've driven a bus before.) But rental cars are EXPENSIVE right now.

So, I think right now, the best bet is to take the bus to the parks in the morning and use taxi/Uber/Lyft to get back to the resort at the end of the day. The last thing I want to do when I'm tired is wait in yet another line to get a bus that no one knows when will show up. Though I don't know how things are right now during covid.

So that's me. Next update will be about my plans and if I found a traveling companion!