Wendy's "I'm Going to SCOTLAND!!!!" Weight Loss Journey(Scotland Trip Report Pg 10)

[whgrn]

Yup, that's right! I got clearance from all my doctors, and headed to the gym right after lunch today. I got signed in, photographed, and then it was up on the treadmill for me! I did 30 minutes, a full mile! It felt sooooo good! Tomorrow I will probably try the elliptical, and see how I do with just one hand. The trainer I spoke with today said I should not be using either hand on the TM or the elliptical. HUH? My balance isnt' good enough without holding on! I'm liable to fall right on my face! Hmmm, well, guess I could TRY....

It's funny (as in funny strange, not funny haha), but I always, ALWAYS hated writing down everything I ate. Maybe because I felt I couldnt' cheat? But this time around, keeping track has been a godsend. Why is it different? Well, I think a big part of it (maybe all of it?) is the elimination thing. Not being able to have eggs, milk or wheat has so greatly limited what I CAN eat, that if I don't write down what I DO eat, I'll never remember the ideas from one day to the next! I know, pathetic, right?

I can honestly say that in the past 8 weeks I have had almost no desire to "cheat". And trust me when I say that is unheard of for me! At this point, it's pretty easy, since the things I would most likely cheat with are things I can't eat due to the sensitivity thing. I mean, having bread and butter won't only wreak havoc on the scale, but it would totally screw up the whole elimination thing. And that, I'm just not willing to do at this point!

I must admit though that right now, having had my evening granola early, I am sorely tempted to go have more! Would it kill me? No, it's 140 calories, not 1000. But I am trying very hard to "ride the wave" and not do it. So, instead, I'm here writing about it.

With the scale being so weird for me--up a bit one week, down alot the next, and then back and forth between the two--it would be easy for me to throw up my hands in disgust and just give up. But I'm not going to do that! The trend is downward, and that's what matters. I'm wearing my "skinnier" pants (if you can call a size 20W "skinny") and feeling great. I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill today. (WOOHOOO, that felt GOOD!!!! ) And I KNOW that I am eating just the way I should be eating. I've come prepared for the battle of the bulge. I am fully armed. And now the outcome is not up to me anymore. My body will do what it will do. I cannot force it to lose any faster or more consistently. I cannot make it walk faster, or climb higher, or stretch farther. It is what it is. As long as I keep doing my part (eating right, taking the supplements, and exercising), I know I am doing all I can to win the battle. The rest is up to my body. I just hope and pray it has forgiven me for all the years of abuse and neglect.

 

[whgrn]

Oh, I am soooo clueless!!! The machines at the new gym are rather confusing! They all have their own TV (these are just the cardio machines). I cannot figure out how to hook my headphones up and get any sound out of them! Also, I got on a machine today thinking it was the elliptical, and it was like a ski machine without using your arms. it about killed me!! And the first "elliptical" I got on was actually a stair climber thingy and I couldn't even get ON it!! All of this is not surprising, considering I can't fully program my cell phone, or get the bluetooth connection to work, or even get the stupid message light to stop flashing on my phone when there are no messages!! I'm hopeless!

In any event, I had a very productive day. I was at the gym/PT place for nearly 4 hours!!! (Only 30 minutes in the gym doing any actual exercise though...) I had my eval for lymphatic drainage--I'm set up for 3 times a week starting the week of March 10 (no openings before that...) I was able to coordinate the LD and the PT so i'm not making multiple trips each day. It looks like I AM going to need compression stockings, which I already knew. I guess I just need the prescription from the doctor and I can go get measured.

PT was good--I can finally do "active-assisted" exercise, not just passive. So I have to do stuff with a cane to move my right arm by pushing the left, and also isometrics. And I get to use the pulley instead of the dreaded wall walking!!! YAY!!! Much easier in my opinion. The LD therapist also suggested some rear leg lifts to strengthen my hip muscles. Hey, if it helps, I'm on it!!

The good news is that I CAN go to the gym again tomorrow. YAY! Cell was cancelled, so I have free time from 10-12. I have to be there at 8am for the basal metabolic measurement. They will tell me how many calories i actually need. This could be interesting!

I can really tell that I did more in PT today--my shoulder is a little sore. But it's well worth it to know that I'm making good progress. And i'm still doing well with food, so something is obviously happening in my life. Oh, yeah, I'M TAKING CARE OF MYSELF!!!

 

[whgrn]

This morning I went and had my basal metabolic rate measured. It was pretty cool, just breathe in and out through a tube for 10 minutes. Turns out, guess what! I'm not eating enough calories! I've been doing around 1400-1500, and I need 1533-1915, just to cover breathing, never mind the exercise and daily activities. Wow! Who knew?

So off I went home to figure out where and how to add this in. I mean, it's only 200 calories, but still, where will they come from? I decided I should add them proportionately to my overall calories. About 25-30% fat, about 30% protein, and about 40-45% carbs. Cool! It works!!!

For today, I added 1/2 oz tuna at lunch, about 50 grams potato and 1 oz chicken at dinner, and 1T nuts at my snack. Not too hard, except the extra chicken at dinner. This brought me to 1555 calories, 204 grams of carbs, 52 grams of fat and 81 grams of protien (which barely makes it, since I'm supposed to do 80 to 110 grams). Tomorrow will be easier protein-wise, since I'll have my morning snack which includes 2 ounces of turkey. Today I had breakfast late because of the test, which was done fasting, so I had no AM snack. Ah, well, it all works out in the end!

So I went to the gym, and did 30 minutes on the elliptical. The machine says I burned 203 calories, but SparkPeople says 463!!! Then I did 10 minutes on the treadmill, at 2mph, NOT holding on! Another 40 calories. BIG difference!! I wonder why that is, considering the elliptical seems SO much easier to me! I guess for now I'll alternate between 30 minutes (or more) on the elliptical, and 45 on the treadmill. 3 days of each? That ought to cover it!! At 600 calories every two days, that comes out to an average of 300, and to 1800 for the week. Not too shabby!!! And that doesn't even count the strength and stretching of PT! My calories are based on 200 calories a day for exercise, or 1400 for the week, so I should be a bit ahead of the game. I felt SO good after exercising, even though my legs are a bit tired!

I left my name and number with the desk so a nutritionist can call me. I want to set up an appointment with someone familiar with bariatric nutrition as well as exercise. This could be REALLY good!!!

The agency screwed up my helpers. AGAIN. Apparently Esmin called them and said she can't come back until Tuesday. But Monica has to leave tomorrow as planned because she starts a new job on Sunday. So they called and said they will send someone else tomorrow until Tuesday when Esmin returns. i really didn't like the idea of yet another person to get used to, even for just 4 days. So, after talking to Mom and Tracey about it, I called back and said to cancel the new girl, and to cancel Esmin for Tuesday, and I'll just end things tomorrow when Monica leaves. I mean, really, what were they doing for me? Hooking my bra? Helping me put on my sneakers? Well guess what? I won't WEAR a bra unless Laura is here to hook it for me! And my sneakers are now just right so I can slip them on. Voila! I'm self sufficient!! The laundry is all up to date, and the kids can help until Lorie comes back (and Tracey offered to do it if I need her to). The house is squeaky clean, so that can last until Lorie comes back. I'm already doing the cooking (except tonite, when Danny cooked the chicken that they'd made Sunday at cooking school), and if the kids have to help empty the dishwasher and do the grocery shopping, oh well! Meanwhile, it will save me a bunch of $$$.

As for the bra, I just ordered a new one that hooks in the front. That should solve that problem pretty quickly! As much as I hate them, at least it will get me through until I can hook the regular one myself. And at $14, you just can't go wrong!

I went for my iron infusion today, and for some weird reason, my hemoglobin DROPPED from last week! OK, only 3/10 of a point, but still, you'd think it would go UP since I had the infusion last week. Oh well, at least I'm still in double digits!!

All in all, a rather productive day!

 

[whgrn]

Here I've been feeling really good about the fact that food has not been calling me. But this afternoon I was at a friend's house, and she had put out organic corn tortilla chips. I checked the label, saw they were ok, and took 2 (serving size is 15). No problem, right? WRONG!! I kept coming back to them, and was actually stupid enough to go hang out by them! I ended up having probably about 20 chips--a good 200 calories worth!

My first actual "cheat". (Hey, I made it 2 months without...)

OK, so onward. I honestly logged it into my food logs, both written and on SparkPeople, so I'm not trying to hide anything. (also a very NEW thing for me with food logs!)

The last few days have been busy, which is why I haven't journaled in a bit. Friday was a good day--I hit the gym and did 45 minutes on the treadmill. Even though I stretched afterwards, I was quite sore!! But it was well worth it. I am SO happy to be back in the gym!!

Yesterday was my day off from the gym--I had the kids and it was not going to work out. But I got my exercise a different way! (see below) I woke up in the morning feeling crappy--sort of a cross between "I'm starvng" and "I feel like I'm gonna barf". I bagged the breakfast plan, and about 10:30 I nibbled on a tiny baked potato. I only ate maybe half of it. No pills, supplements, or amino acid drinks for me. After going to the chiropractor and having a mini-massage, I did feel better. So for lunch I had a small bowl of rice with my veggie-meat sauce. It seemed to set ok. By midafternoon I was feeling much better. I had some mango and nuts for my snack. Then it was time to leave for the Casting Crowns concert!!!!!!

We had a nice drive up, with everyone chatting about everything. 8 of us in Amy's Suburban, and we were all pretty comfy! (we did put the 3 kids in the way back) I ate my dinner on the way--a repeat of lunch, plus an apple. We were very fortunate to get GREAT parking--Amy had reserved online--and didn't have to walk too far in the cold wind.

The concert was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! Totally blew me away. It was so inspiring, so amazing to be with 5000 other believers, just giving praise and worship to the Lord. We were up and dancing to the music--now THAT is exercise I can live with!! Laura wanted popcorn, so I got her some, and some water. I had maybe 1/2 cup of the popcorn, and we shared the water. (I checked, the popcorn was popped with a bit of oil, but nothing else on it--we even watched it pop!) Later she wanted ice cream, and I honestly had no desire for any.

On the way home I had my granola, with some raisins mixed in (I had to boost my calories somewhere!) We got home after midnight, so sleep was short. But I had no problem popping up out of bed this morning for church!

Today I'm happy to say I was feeling fine and back on the normal routine as far as food goes. (well, other than the tortilla chips...) I hit the gym this afternoon and did 30 minutes on the elliptical (and burned MORE than the calories I ate in chips!) and felt pretty darned good! It will be an early night, since we were all up too late last night. Bed will feel good!!!

 

[whgrn]

Hmmm. According to some folks, I should be consuming 1 gram of protein per pound of body weight each day. So for me, that would be 265 grams of protein daily. Uhhh, that would be over 70% of my calories for the day! Not to mention the fact that I'm happy if I get in over 80 grams a day! I have absolutely no idea how on earth I could ever get in 3 times as much as I do now.

In addition, I'm unable to tolerate most protein supplements. The vast majority are made from whey or soy, which I cannot have. And the rice protein is just AWFUL!! I certanly can't imagine consuming 180 grams worth of rice protein daily!

Oh, well, I'm gonna stick with what my nutritionist told me and aim for 80-110 grams a day.

In other news, I did the gym today before PT and it was probably a mistake. I was SOOOO tired in PT!! 45 minutes on the treadmill kind of tires me out, ya know? And I upped the speed to 2.1 mph with no problem. So in a few days I'll try for 2.2. Eventually I would really like to be able to go steadily at 2.5 for 45 minutes or more. I don't walk faster than that in "real life" so I don't feel the need to go faster at this point. Given my orthopedic limitations, I'll be quite happy at 2.5!!

My new Polar heart rate monitor arrived today. I've gotta set it up so I can use it tomorrow when I do the elliptical!!

Tomorrow is weigh in. I'm not expecting much since I just resumed the Maxzide today. I can feel that my legs are still very "full", so even though I ran to the bathroom alot today, I think I've got a few more days before the extra fluid clears out. I just hope I get a tiny little loss--0.1 pounds would be just fine! Meanwhile, I KNOW I'm losing, since I can wear smaller clothes without a problem. Well, the number will be what the number will be--I know I've done my part!!!

My mood seems to be changing. I am alot happier lately! And this is even with backing off on the Lexapro. Hopefully I'll be able to be off it altogether by the end of next week. In any event, I feel like i'm enjoying my kids more (most of the time!!), and in general just feeling happier. Hey, whatever the reason, I'll take it!!

 

[whgrn]

To Whole Foods, that is! Despite monsoon quality rains and gale force winds, I made the 40 minute journey to restock my kitchen. After 2 hours and nearly $200, i came home with LOTS of stuff! I will be doing some serious cooking tomorrow. I am reinventing my tuna noodle casserole as tuna RICE casserole, using a white sauce made with cornstarch and almond milk in place of the cream of celery soup that I can't eat. We'll see how it turns out. I am also going to cook up a great big pot of my meat and veggie sauce that I usually make with ground beef and pork sausage. i will be using ground turkey and turkey sausage instead, and all organic ingredients (veggies, oil, etc) Can't wait to see the difference!

I've been faithfully going to the gym. I took Thursday as my off day since I was at the dentist all day and then slept 4 hours when I got home! (that sedation dentistry is AWESOME!). And i only did 30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday because i felt like I ws going to fall asleep! But today I was back to 30 on the elliptical, and on Monday I'll be doing my 45 on the treadmill. it is definitely getting easier, but i can't ramp it up yet because of safety issues with my arm. Soon, though!

Yesterday was my first full day out of the sling. And my last for awhile too! It HURT after awhile! So today I kept it on when I was out and about, but off when at home. MUCH better.

My weighin on Tuesday had me down just 0.7 pounds, but I had only started back on the "water pill" on Monday, and I was still bloated. i can really tell a difference now, and I assume I'll have a better loss this coming week. i hope so! I went and bought myself a new scale. This one is ultra fancy and does everything except my laundry! Can't wait to try it out and see what it says! It will be interesting to see how it compares with my cheapie scale that I've been using so far. I hope it doesn't tell me that I'm heavier than I thought I was!

Today at Whole Foods I decided to check out some new grains and cereals. i bought buckwheat cereal for a change at breakfast, and got millet and quinoa to try at other meals. i'm jsut gettng a bit weary of potatoes, rice, and oatmeal!! Hopefully I will speak to Dr. Murray next week and he'll give me the ok to have some occasional yogurt, cheese, and/or wheat. Time will tell.

I took measurements on Tuesday for the first time--figured it was a good idea. My waist measured at 42", which is 2" less than at Canyon Ranch! Not too shabby. I think i'll measure once a month and see how the progress goes. The weight DOES matter, as I need to put less pressure on my joints, but there are other ways to measure my progress, and I AM making progress here.

 

[whgrn]

Yup, that's me, Chef Wendy. I feel like all I've done the last 2 days is cook! Yesterday I made a big ol' vat of sauce with tons of veggies, ground turkey, ground beef, and turkey sausage. YUMMO!! I also tried a remake of my beloved tuna noodle casserole, using rice. Instead of cream of celery soup, i tried making a white sauce with almond milk, cornstarch and broth, and celery. It seemed to work ok, but when I took it out of the oven, it was NASTY tasting! I managed to eat 1/2 a serving, but had to dump the rest. Laura spit out the one bite she tried. Oh well, live and learn. I had 1/2 portion of my sauce to make up for it, and at least that was yummy!

Tonight I made stuffed peppers. I used a SparkPeople recipe, and it was soooooo good! We all loved it, and I've been asked to put it on the menu rotation. No problemo!

I did 35 minutes on the elliptical today--would have stopped at 30 but I was in the middle of a chapter and i wanted to finish, so... I wonder if I could handle 45 minutes? Don't see why not. Maybe I'll give it a shot. When I was coming out of the gym, i noticed they had a table set up outside with nutrition info. There was a bag with a model of 5 pounds of fat. YUCK!! I can't believe 44 of those have come off of me! I'd like to do an Oprah and put them in a wagon and pull it around for a bit. Even a backpack with 4 of them (20 pounds) would be an awesome way to realize what I've lost in the past 2 months. Or, as someone else said (on a cool list of what weighs so many pounds), I've lost an average automobile tire and a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts this year, and since 5/14/01 I've lost an average American fashion model (117 pounds) plus a 2 month old horse (100 pounds) plus an ostrich egg (4 pounds). Kind of puts it in perspective!!!

The time change is killing me. I am SOOOO tired, and I really did NOT want to get up this AM! And that was after having a tough time falling asleep last night, since it seemed too early. It's gonna take me a week to get my act in gear. And if Spring doesn't come soon I'm gonna scream--I am SO tired of cold and grey! At least we didn't get hammered with snow this year.

My shoulder is coming along. A bit sore today since i used it WAY too much yesterday cooking. I really have to be careful not to overdo it. Did a sort of abreviated PT session--no pushing it. Tomorrow I'll resume my normal home routine. I also had my first lymphatic drainage today. Very relaxing. I hope it helps. Might be coincidental, but I've had to pee alot today. Hopefully that will show up on the scale tomorrow morning!

 

[whgrn]

4.9 pounds! WoooHooo!!! It's about time the scale caught up with me! I knew I'd been losing but the scale just wouldn't budge more than a few tenths of a pound at a time, and not always in the right direction. But at last, we seem to be on the same page! And I'm in the 250s for the first time in a LONG time.

How did I celebrate? By going back to bed for 2 hours and skipping the gym. Actually, that was NOT a celebration. I am just SOOOO tired from this stupid time change that I cannot seem to get it in gear! Hopefully I'll sleep better tonite and feel more energetic tomorrow. Amazingly, this is what I used to feel like ALL THE TIME! I guess I hadn't realized how bad it was untl I started feeling good.

I tried my new breakfast sausage today--organic pork links. The were quite good! At least now I can alternte them with the chicken ones. AND--today's Spark Recipe of the day was a 5 grain cereal that you cook overnite in the crock pot. It has bulgar listed, which is wheat, so I just substitued millet. That goes along with oats, barley, quinoa, and brown rice. Hey--I'll try anything! I hope it's good, and I can add it to my breakfast rotation.

I really need to come up with some new ideas for lunch. Salad with some sort of seafood, and a potato/rice/barley with margerine is fine, but not every day! i suppose I should try to find some new recipes. I think I've just fallen into a rut with my menu!

My shoulder still hurts--ALOT. I did no PT exercises today. I'm just resting it. We'll see what Charlie has to say tomorrow morning. I'm using the sling again when I'm out of the house. I hope to God I didn't do any damage by overusing it. That would just be the pits!!

I think I'm becoming a hermit. All I want to do is go to the gym and PT, and then come home and read or go online. I don't want to go ANYWHERE, and I find I'm even on the phone less than usual. Is my world becoming too small? I know I'm not depressed, and when I do interact with others I'm happy about it, but I just seem to prefer to keep close to home. Maybe because it's easier to deal with food here than elsewhere? Maybe I'm just "circling the wagons" for right now.

I wish Spring would hurry up and get here!!

 

[whgrn]

Well, I did it. For the first time (I think) since eliminating so many foods, I actually went out for dinner. It was pretty OK. We went to TGIFridays for Laura's school fundraiser. I had looked at the menu online so I knew what to expect. I ordered the Cedar Grilled Salmon, with a house salad (minus the croutons, cheese, and dressing...) and roasted red potaotes. I asked alot of questions, and our waitress, who was wonderful, made sure to tell the kitchen about my issues, and checked to see that no dairy, wheat, or eggs found their way onto my plate. I ate 1/2 the salmon (brought the rest home for tomorrow!)--it was pretty good. The salad was boring: iceberg lettuce, a few grape tomatoes, and some sliced cukes. I put on a little oil and balsamic vinegar (the balsamic viniagrette was iffy, so I skipped it) The potatoes were really yummy--just some oil and seasoning on them, so they were OK. I felt good about it. Nice to know it is doable.

At the gym today I decided to spend a little extra time on the elliptical, and did 45 minutes (up from 35 on Tuesday). It was actually easy! I could have gone farther, but I had to get home for Bible study. It's amazing to me that on January 2nd, I could barely manage 10 minutes on the lowest settings, and now here I am doing 45 minutes with some resistance and height, and it seems easy. Maybe Saturday I'll just do a whole hour!

I've been noticing lately that each day, I write down my food, plan a little ahead, and then enter on SparkPeople in the evening, and 99% of the time, ALL my nutrients are in range--calories, fat, carbs, protein, fiber, and salt!!! I do believe I'm actually getting the hang of this. Of course, my diet is still pretty boring, but I'm slowly branching out to new things. if the nutritionist from the hospital ever calls me, I'll pick her brain for new and different ideas. And, hopefully, I will soon be able to add back SOME dairy and wheat. Even the occasional piece of cheese, cup of yogurt, or slice of whole grain bread would be such a huge help in terms of variety!

I really just cannot believe how much my lifestyle has changed in 10 weeks. If someone had told me on New Year's Day that before St. Patricks Day I would have become an exercise nut, or that I'd be cheerfully eating things like almond milk, healthy margerine, and organic everything, I would have laughed in their face! No way! Never! Not me! And yet, here I am. Eating what my body needs, taking the supplements it craves, and exercising, stretching, and strengthening it. What a concept!

Now, I only wish I'd done this 20 years ago when I was still young and healthy enough to enjoy to results! But, alas, the damage is done, and some of it (like the joints and the digestive system) cannot be repaired. Still, I'll make the best of what I have, and treat it better--ALOT better. After all, if I don't take care of my body, where will I live?????

 

[whgrn]

I can't believe it. I'm banished from the gym. CRAP!

I did my 60 minutes on the elliptical on Tuesday, and noticed that my left kneecap was bothering me. Wednesday, I did the treadmill, and got off after 50 minutes because it really hurt. I iced it, but that didnt' help. I took Thursday off as a rest day.

Today at PT I asked Charlie about it. He said "your check engine light is on". I love the analogy. He said no gym in the acute phase, where it really hurts, even when I'm not exercising. When it gets a bit better, I can start slowly, maybe with the recumbent elliptical for 10-15 minutes. Then I can build up from there as tolerated. Heather thinks I may have developed some tendonitis, but since the pain is right over the kneecap, i don't know if that's likely. In any event, I CAN'T EXERCISE! And it's driving me nuts!

In other news, the scale was down 1.1 this week, on my new Tania IronMan scale. I like the scale, and it weighs basically the same as my old one, so I know it's pretty accurate. It says I am 48% fat--alot different from what they said at Canyon Ranch, but, unfortunately, probably more realistic. Also, my C reactive protein was UP, this time to 75!! That's 25 times the normal max of 3!!! This is not good. Now I have to go see Dr. Rossi next week, and I'll probably end up having all sorts of tests done. It's probably due to my arthritis and went up becuase of the surgery, but who knows. My iron level is up to normal, which is good, and I don't have to have more IV iron--for now. BUT my hemoglobin is still too low--it actually dropped from 10.3 to 9.8 this week, which makes no sense at all.

I discovered a new, yummy lunch/dinner option. We had tacos on Tuesday, which I made with 1/2 and 1/2 ground beef and ground turkey. Very yummy. So, I kept aside 4 ounces for the next day, and just ate it mixed with rice. Quite tasty! Gotta get in that protein. I started tracking calcium intake too. Supposed to be 100-150 mg daily. Well, today I got...32. WOW, that's really sad. But with no dairy, I'm not surprised. Good thing I'm supplementing. Oh, speaking of which, I get to take yet another supplement--Glucosamine & Chondroitin, 3 horse pills a day! Those babies are ginormous!!

Today I had a MUCH needed massage. My neck and shoulders are sooooo tight! Laurie said she could see the atrophy of my shoulder muscles, but that will improve alot when I am cleared to do more active exercise with that arm. When I walked in, she was amazed at how I looked--she could really notice the weight loss!

It's been an insane week with the kids, and now they're off for 10 days. This should be lots of fun...

 

[whgrn]

Today was a day of mini victories, all of the non-scale variety. I realize just how far I have come in this journey.

This morning we opened our Easter baskets (no candy for me, of course). I looked at Danny's PEEPs and thought, hmmmm. But then I decided (again) that I really didn't want to put that in my body today. So I popped one in the microwave, just to watch him die. We cooked him for 30 seconds, and he got really really big. I took him out before he could blow up all over the place. He deflated quickly, and we left him there on the plate and went to church. When we got home, it looked like he'd melted into a puddle ("I'm melting, I'm melting!"), and he was rock hard. Not too appetizing anymore.

I sang in church today (first ttime in quite awhile). I was able to stand there comfortably on 2 inch heels! AND I have breth control again! This is HUGE! It's been so long since I could get out a whole sustained song lyric in one breath. Even with that, my voice was strong. Might be the sinuses clearing up is doing the trick!!

Tonite I had dinner at Mom and Dad's. Simple. Just baked chicken, baked potato, and peas. But I forgot to bring my margerine. And they only eat butter. I looked, but there was nothing else to put on the potato. I thought about using just a little butter--it really wouldn't hurt. But then i thought about how that would just open the door to more exceptions. Today a tiny bit of butter, tomorrow a slice of pizza! I was going to just take it home and eat it here with my margerine, but I decided to try something new. So I cut it open, sprinkled on a little salt, and ate it naked! It was surprisingly good! I may do this again, and save the fat.

Now I'm sitting here looking at Easter baskets full of candy (NOT from me, from the "other" side of the family). But I can honestly say it doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. I just keep thinking about all the fat, sugar and chemicals in there, and it turns my stomach.

Tomorrow I will try the recumbent elliptical--my knee is MUCH better. Hopefully that will work out well, and I'll be able to resume my usual routine soon. Meanwhile, I'm savoring my little victories, and reminding myself that NOTHING tastes as good as being HEALTHY feels!!

 

[whgrn]

I LOVE my new scale! I think it likes me too! I am down 4.8 pounds this week, even though I did not exercise from Wednesday until today!! WOOHOOO!

I really didn't expect this, after a good loss last week. I guess maybe my body is catching up? Or does this mean I wasn't eating enough with exercise, but without exercise it was enough?

I'm sooooo confused! But it's a good sort of confusion. My BMR dropped from 1913 to 1886, I guess due to the weight loss, but that's still 200 calories more than I'm eating, so I think I'm ok. If the stupid nutritionist from the hospital would EVER call me back, I might actually be able to ASK her! Well, I'm going to a WLS support group meeting on Thursday, and I'm going to check and see if i can work with someone there instead.

I am really taking care of myself. Today I called and scheduled an appointment with my knee ortho (haven't been there in about 16 months, supposed to go yearly, so I'm close) AND with my WLS surgeon (haven't gone in, ahem, like 5 years! ) I have to keep things on track! I think they will both be happy with how I'm doing. I see my PCP Thursday so she can look into why my CRP is sky high. I hope she doesn't order tons of tests. Lets just re-do that one and see if it comes down, now that I'm 7 weeks postop!

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical today with no problem, and came home and iced for 30 minutes. Tomorrow I'll shoot for 30 on the treadmill. If that goes OK too, I'll go up SLOWLY--35 minutes, then 40, and so on up to 60. I'd like to get in the pool if I can, maybe even next week. I don't think I'm ready for a class yet, but some water walking could be a good choice. I won't be able to go Tuesday (sedation dentist all day), but the rest of the week should be OK.

This afternoon the kids baked muffins (blueberry, and cinnamon chocolate chip). They smell good. NO interest at all in eating them! I can honestly say I have absolutely NO interest in eating anything that is not healthy. Or anything that contains eggs, wheat or dairy since I'm supposed to avoid them. I realize my diet is not terribly interesting, and the variety could use a boost, but it's comfortable and actually quite easy for me to follow. And hey, I'm sticking with it, and that's HUGE!!!

 

[whgrn]

Hard to believe I haven't written here in 11 days. It's been a loooooonnnnnnnggggg week. Seems like juggling 37 flaming batons wasn't enough, so I had to try juggling about 137. Eventually it felt like they were raining down on me, leaving me ducking for cover. It just kept coming and coming and coming. Here's the Readers Digest version:

1) my daughter is living in an alternate universe. In her world, everything is as she wishes it to be. This week, she has a 2nd cell phone--a golden Razor that cost $500,000. And she met her boyfriend in the park. And we spent last week in Turks and Caicos (just her and me, we left Danny home with his father.) OK, NONE of that is true, obviously, but this is what she is telling people. And while they may believe alot of it, the cell phone is over the top, and now everyone is laughing at her and calling her a liar. The really scary part is that I truly do not think she can distinguish from reality and fantasy. She asked me the other day if Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet drowned on the Titanic or if they survived. She doesn't GET that they were in a MOVIE, not on the actual ship...

2) My dear son seems to believe that he is KING of not only his sister's universe, but also the real one that the rest of us live in. I have been cursed at, ordered around, and treated with an utter lack of respect for so long, and nothing works. Now he has started doing it to my mother. OOOOOOHHHHHH NO! We do NOT go there!!! So I asked his father to let him stay there for awhile. Well, he's still here. 'nuff said. But we both read him the riot act, and I told him he has NO priveleges, effective immediately, unless I decide he has earned them by good behavior. I stopped his guitar lessons. I was going to stop his cooking classes, but we have to go anyway with Laura, so he'll stay--for now. And starting Monday, he will go to afterschool care until 6 pm except on days where he has counseling or cooking. That will give me a break from him, and also eliminate the "I'm done with my homework, why can't I have unlimited time on the computer/Wii/PSP/TV, etc?" So, now he has NONE of that.

3) my ex is a total jerk. (see above)

4) On Monday, I saw the surgeon about the "bump" in front of me. He ordered a CT scan. It was scheduled for yesterday. My dear insurance company denied it! what the ???

5) As I think I mentioned, that same surgeon has informed me that I need a skin graft to close this 5 year old draining abdominal wound.

6) That surgery will require 5 days in the hospital.

7) My hematologist is scratching his head because even though my ferritin levels are normal (whatever THAT means), my iron level is still too low, and I am still VERY anemic. So the IV iron isn't doing what it supposed to do. Why? Maybe because of the open wound (see #5)

8) my psycho dog has become a thief! Every day we leave him in the mudroom, and he has his little doggie door so he can go in and out as he pleases, and the backyard is fenced so he can't go beyond that. Well, he's been taking shoes, coats, etc from the mudroom and bringing them out through his door and leaving them all over the back yard! He has destroyed a sweater and a sweatshirt of mine, and yesterday he took Danny's new sneakers out in the rain and they are saturated!

9) I spent 5 hours at the dentist Tuesday, under sedation. The aftereffects were not pleasant this time--very tired and groggy, but also just "off". AND my teeth hurt where he worked on them, I still can't chew on the right side, and i have to take antibiotics for 10 days which make me nauseous!


10) And the best of all, the straw that broke the camel's back. I went to see the ortho that did my knee replacements 13.5 years ago. The one that has said at EVERY annual visit "they look as good as the day I put them in!", and told me we don't know how long they will last, they could last forever, but they still look great, has now told me that they have learned that the plastic parts (knee cap and others) BREAK DOWN AND TAKE THE BONE WITH THEM!!!!!!!!! And that you don't know when this is happening. Sometimes you get pain (which I AM), sometimes not, but if you wait too long, you can blow out your knee like you blow a tire. And then they open it up and find that the bone is gone too. WHAT???? He says I'm walking on borrowed time--they hoped for 10 years and it's going on 14. HUH??? This is news to me. Anyway, now it seems that I need two Total Knee Replacements, and I need them like, in a year. If the pain gets worse, I have to call him. If not, next spring we will set up for the surgeries (yes, that's plural, 2 knees=2 surgeries--I am NOT doing them both at the same time like i did before!)

This is SOOOOOO not the life I signed up for!!

By Wednesday I was a mess. I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I wanted to run away and join the circus! I couldn't talk to anyone, I was too miserable. Which set my BFF into a tizzy, because she wanted to come rescue me (oh, if only she could!!), so then I had to worry about HER too!! I went to my PCP and when she walked in the door, she stopped dead in her tracks and asked "what on earth happened to you?!" To which I responded by bursting into tears! She said she just saw me a week or so ago and I was the happiest person on earth, and now the total opposite. So, after a long discussion, she started me on Prozac. A low dose, but she said it should help the anxiety and irritability along with the depression. (I was really a raving rhymes with witch--ready to bite off the head of anyone who was foolish enough to get that close!)

Sooo, the update. Danny has been pretty much an angel since Wednesday night. Laura is still happily traveling in her alternate universe, but to the best of my knowledge, from the time she got up this morning until she left for Sylvan 45 minutes later, she didn't tell a single lie!! The dog has been sorely chastised, and nothing has been missing today...yet. And me? Well, lets just say I'm getting used to the idea of what's to come, and I'm looking into where I can go for a 2nd (and maybe 3rd) opinion on the knee issue. I am calmer. I am feeling pretty normal (whatever MY normal is, anyway) And what has had the biggest impact on that change? Just a chat I was having with my physical therapist yesterday, talking about summer vacations. I just realized that, my entire world may be falling apart around me,I may have 500 flaming batons to juggle, but in only 112 days, I AM GOING TO SCOTLAND!!!!

See, it's all a matter of perspective!!

So, I took advantage of no kids and BEAUTIFUL weather, and went for a long walk in the park. Home for lunch, ice on the knee, and some Spark time, and then I'm off to WalMart for a much needed pedicure. (Yup, our WalMart does nails!!)

So nice to be back in the land of the living. Although Laura's alternate universe is looking pretty good--just think, I'd have an intact abdomen, healthy knees, AND thin thighs!! Hmmmm, she may have the right idea here...

And the good news is that the scale at least has been nice to me--4.2 pounds this week. It's just falling off of me!

 

[whgrn]

I do believe if I have to look at oatmeal, cornmeal porridge, chopped salad, turkey, potatoes, rice, salmon or tuna EVER again, I will just scream.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

I hate food. I hate everything ABOUT food. I hate cooking it. I hate eating it. Most of all, I hate planning for it and THINKING about it. I wish I never had to eat again.

Why? This certainly doesn't sound like someone who needs to lose weight. But it is. It's me. And no, I'm not anorexic or anything, where I am AFRAID to eat becuase I think it will make me fat, or anything. I am just TIRED of food, and everything related to it.

For the past 2 months, I've eliminated all dairy, wheat, eggs, bananas, most beans, and malt. That's ALOT of foods. What was left was pretty slim pickin's (if you'll pardon the pun). Not only that, I've been downing 47 supplements daily, which has done a great job of filling up my pouch, leaving me un-hungry much of the day.

My typical day of food has consisted of:
Breakfast--oatmeal or corn porridge made with almond milk, with flaxseed and fiber powder mixed in, chicken or pork sausage (gotta get in that protein), and sometimes a fruit.

AM snack--when I was still doing this (I stopped about 2 weeks ago due to lack of hunger and appetite), I was eating 2 ounces of turkey, and a fruit. Now that fruit is at breakfast.

Lunch--9 days out of 10, it's been a chopped salad of celery, carrot, yellow pepper and tomato, with either tuna, salmon, shrimp, or chicken, with honey mustard dressing, and either a baked potato, barley or rice with butter, or the occasional treat of organic tortilla chips (one food I actually still enjoy) If I didn't have fruit yet, I have it at lunch.

Afternoon snack--also getting uncommon these days for the same reason, an apple and 2T of mixed nuts

Dinner--salmon, chicken, turkey, or beef cooked in some boring manner, some peas or green beans (or a V8), and another starch from the list at lunch. OR, a still-somewhat pleasant option of sauce made from 10 different veggies with turkey, beef, and turkey sausuage, served over rice.

Evening snack--granola, the nuts if I didn't have them earlier, and raisins. This is the ONLY meal/snack I still enjoy every day, but it's getting harder and harder to eat becuase I'm really not hungry.

All my life I've been told "don't eat unless you're hungry", "stop eating as soon as you are full", etc. Well, now, I'm concentrating so hard on getting in 90 grams of protein a day, and 25+ grams of fiber a day, and 1400-1600 calories a day (it was 1500-1700 until today...), not to mention the 47 supplements, that I was NEVER hungry, usually stuffed, and totally lacking in appetite.

So, today I went to see a new nutritionist. She is my new best friend. For starters, she eliminated most of my supplements, changed a few, and kept a few. Many were changed from huge horse pills to chewables, that can actually be absorbed in my pounch, rather than going right down the toilet. I haven't done the new count yet, but I know it's alot better, and since many of the ones I still have are chewable or sublingual, they won't take up any space.

Next, she gave me a TON of ideas for foods. She also convinced me to try soy protein powder. I am not making any promises, becuase when I've tried it before I hated it, and my tummy has never been a big fan of soy. But she gave me a smoothie recipe I am willing to try, with soy powder, almond milk, blueberries, pineapple, and ice. Who knows, I might almost like it. And if not, it's 8-10 ounches, and I can drink that right up (or down...)

She also gave me other guidelines, like which supplements to take with others, or away from others. I have to get 90 grams of protein daily. Well, the smoothie would give me 26. I can't drink while I eat. I knew that, but what are you gonna do when you have a big handful of supplements to take? So, now I'll take the few remaining ones 30 minutes AFTER I eat.

I called the doctor up at Canyon Ranch to schedule a consult with him about the changes, my new labs, and the hope of resuming at least SOME dairy and wheat. He is away all this week, but I will talk to him next Monday.

My labs are a mess. For some odd reason (idiocy, perhaps?), my friends at LabCorp ran DOUBLE tests on several things. I had 2 doctors prescriptions, and there were some overlaps (one from my PCP, one from my bariatric surgeon). So what do they do? They run 2 CBCs, 2 Vitamin D levels, etc. And I'm willing to bet that my lovely HMO is not gonna pay for those! Great, just what I need. Anyway, some test I never heard of is giving me dire warnings that if my levels stay low for 3 months it means I have CKD. Huh? What's CKD? Only thing I can think of is Chronic Kidney Disease, and my kidneys are just fine, thank you very much. My iron saturation is so low that they put an ALERT message on it. This is after 3 or 4 IV iron infusions. Guess I'll be getting some more of those... Oh, and one Vitamin D level is only 2/3 of the low end of normal, while the other is at the high end of normal. From the same blood, the same day, the same time.

If my labs are to be believed, I should probably expect to be dead within days. Of course, I don't necessarily believe them. I mean, they reported one blood glucose as 85 (which is abour right for me), and the other as 107, which is high enough to concern anyone regarding insulin resistance, diabetes, etc. Well, duh, turns out the 107 was drawn the next day at the hematologist's office, NON FASTING, so it's normal, but it was listed as a fasting glucose.

In other news, I got the name and number of an orthopedist at the Hospital for Special Surgery in NYC. He specializes in knee replacements, specifically complicated cases and difficult revisions. Umm, yeah, that would be me. So I'll call him tomorrow and see when I can get in to see him.

I rescheduled my CT scan too. I'm going Thursday, with or without approval from my HMO. I may have to pay for it out of pocket (and it's not cheap), but darn it, I need this test, and I'm going to have it! I'll fight them for the money later. (I mean seriously, what moron declines a CT scan for someone in my situation?) I wish to God I could find different insurance that wasn't insanely expensive. (yeah, me and how many million other Americans?)

So, anyway, tomorrow is scale day. I have no idea what to expect. I've been feeling thinner, which means I will probably gain 3 pounds. I know, that makes no sense, but it's usually how it goes. Also, with 3 straight weeks of 4 pound losses, I'm due for a letdown. Not being a pessimist here, just a realist. And really, it's a number. Nothing more. I KNOW I'm doing the right things.

One small (?) concern I do have is that yesterday when I was walking around the camp where I'd taken my daughter for an interview, we were going up some hills, and I got very tired, and more than a bit winded. This is not usual for me. Granted, neither is climbing hills, but still, I dont' get winded at the gym when I'm working out for 45 minutes or more, why would a short walk up the hill be so hard? I wonder if it's related to my low hemoglobin (which shows the oxygen carrying ability of the red blood cells). Could be. Just want to be sure it isn't related to the sky high cardiac CRP levels I'm showing. Like I said, dead within days according to my labs.

Well, 110 days until Scotland. After that, I can die happy, having realized my life-long dream. My knee can give out, my body can refuse to do anything, just not until after August 6.

 

[donac]

You have been through so much in the last couple of weeks. I will be thinking of you and praying for the best

 

[whgrn]

So, the good news is that after 2.5 months, I can start slowly reintroducing dairy and wheat back into my diet! The first thing? Whey protein boluses. I bought them today at Vitamin Shoppe. It tastes like concentrated KoolAid--waaaayyyyy too sweet. But only 1.5 ounces? I can do that. AND it packs 21 grams of protein in that little drink! And it's surprisingly filling. So we'll see how that sits for a few days, and then try a little something else? Cheese? Yogurt? No, I know. COTTAGE CHEESE!! The thing I've missed the most! Anyway, I feel like I've been released on parole--just to see how things go, but I have to keep checking in with my parole officer (the nutritionist) on a regular basis.

The other big news is that after the gym today, I decided to look through some of my "thin clothes" in the closet for something to wear. The pants I've been wearing are just too darned big anymore. So I was looking through, trying to find something that wasn't too winter-looking (ie, wool pants...) and I found a pair of red and black pants from Talbots. I thought, "hmmm, maybe", but then realized they were size 18W. Not gonna happen. So I decided to see just how close to fitting they would be--could I even get them ON? And guess what? They fit! I actually wore them today! I feel like a fashion model or something, in my "skinny pants".

So then, I got to thinking. There's this red dress from Talbots that I've been drooling over. Only problem is, it comes in Misses sizes to 20, but not Women's sizes. Well, hmmm, and 18W and a Misses 20 have pretty much the same measurements...Maybe? Possibly? By July? I mean, at $138 the dress is too pricey for a 'someday"-hang-in-the-closet thing. But maybe by June it would be worth trying? And then I got the mail. And in the mail was a coupon, from Talbots, for 20% off. Which makes the dress only about $110. Which is still alot, but the coupon is only good for 2 weeks, so I would have to get it NOW. So I decided, this is meant to be. And I cut out the picture to put on my fridge, and I'm ordering the dress tonite. And I can't WAIT 'til it comes and I can try it on and dream of how I'll look wearing it in Scotland. In just 104 days!

In other news, skin graft surgery is scheduled for May 1, and I should be able to come home the next day, or 2 days max. Why, I don't know. But this beats the heck out of 5 days! This makes things a whole lot easier. By God's grace, I may have an intact abdomen by Mothers Day! (Please, please!!)

Danny's behavior has gone from bad to worse. I'd finally had enough and threatened boarding school. Turns out there is a school in NC that would be perfect for him. I'm keeping it as an option. He got very upset and promised to do better, and he was an angel this AM and before dinner, but since dinner he has been as obnoxious and disobedient as ever. I told him the choices were his, and that if he makes poor choices, the consequences will not be pleasant. As of now, he has nothing. No priviledges. No toys. No activities. Guitar lessons are gone. Cooking school is gone. Video games confiscated. Room cleaned out of everything except clothes and books. And he can get it ALL back. But he has to choose to do the right thing, and he doesn't seem to care enough about it to make that choice. In the meanwhile, I am not going to let him push me around anymore. I'll just leave the room. He can yell all he wants at an empty room. And when he doesn't get any of the things he wants, he will eventually have to face the fact that HE chose not to get it, by his behavior.

Thank God for Prozac, or I'd be on a cliff right about now. But I will be strong, and I will do my part, and if we end up going on vacation without him, maybe THAT will be a wakeup call. Probably not. But at least we will be able to enjoy our vacation! Hey--I can always send him to camp for 6 weeks instead of 3...

Amazingly, through all the upheaval, I have not turned to food. June asked me today what made the difference this time. I think it was a combination. The impetus came from "I'm going to Scotland and I'm going to be in shape" at the beginning of january. 2 weeks later, my stay at Canyon Ranch had a major impact. And 2 weeks after that, eliminating so many foods. There's a HUGE difference between "I can't eat that, it will make me fat" and "I can't eat that, it will make my sinuses crazy and my eczema itchy and I'll feel like garbage'. Just a completely different perspective. And you know what? I don't WANT to go back to feeling the way I used to. I never realized how bad I felt until I felt better. I LIKE the way I feel now. So why on earth would I CHOOSE to put something in my mouth that I know would change that? It will be interesting to see how this goes, this re-introducing the eliminated foods. Slow going, for sure. I have to watch the symptoms closely to see if any return.

But the main point here is that I am healtheir than I've been in as long as I can remember. I'm healing, at long last. AND I just happen to have lost about 40 pounds in the meantime. Nice side effect, huh?

 

[M&N]

Great job. Great attitude. I'm so proud of you.

 

[whgrn]

Great job. Great attitude. I'm so proud of you.

Thanks! I'm proud of me too.

How come you can get your smileys to work, but I can't???

 

[M&N]

You are asking the wrong TKer that question. But under where we type post and submit reply there's a box that says disable smilies in text. Is that checked?
Someone on the TK asked about you.

 

[whgrn]

Yup, that's right! I had cottage cheese for breakfast. It was SOOOOO good! I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven! I savored every delicious bite. And I've had NO problems from it.

Also for breakfast, I tried a new SparkPeople recipe for CousCous Pudding. I mixed barley couscous, almond milk, raisins, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon, along with fiber powder. I mixed in some flaxseed when it was done, and it was really good! So I have enough for 3 days, then I'll do an oatmeal rotation, and maybe some cornmeal porridge, before coming back to this.

The protein boluses are going well. My protein has been up over 90 for the past few days with NO problems! I'm also eating more beans--lentil soup for lunch yesterday and today, tomorrow night I'm making tortilla soup with black beans. And, strangely, the lack of a PM snack has not bothered me at all--it just makes me ready for breakfast when I get up in the AM.

Today I went shopping in my closet again. I think it's my new favorite sport! I found many things are already too big, several are just right (including my favorite winter wool slacks, which are useless to me now in mid-April), and some are close to fitting! I guess this weekend it will be time to do a complete inventory. I was able to put on a dress I last wore in Turkey 3.5 years ago--it looks so nice, fits great! Also I have 2 dressy pantsuits that will be great for dinners on the cruise this summer (assuming they aren't too too big by then). Meanwhile, I'm wearing another pair of Talbots pants today--these are a 20W, but just as small as the 18W ones, so I'm happy about it. They are a bit wintery, so I may not wear them again, but I wore them today!

Me in the dress from Turkey 3.5 years ago.


It's weird. I am starting to feel small again. Not just thinner. Small. As in, I'm a small person now. I feel it when I get in my car and there is so much room between me and the steering wheel. I feel it when I am walking very fast to get somewhere in a hurry and I can do it without getting winded. I feel it when I am getting dressed and clothes just slide right on without feeling tight. Mostly in the car, I think. Weird.

I pulled out my WLS scrapbook. The thinnest I am in there is 250#. I picked out some pictures to print and add to it showing me at 236ish, and then going up through the years. And then the one of me today in the dress. And when the Talbots red dress comes, one of me in that too. Then, on May 14, my 7 year WLS anniversary, I'll do a couple doorway shots and stuff. I mean, I'm losng again, I may as well complete the story, right?

The scale this week was down 2.4 pounds. But the big thing was the measurements. Since March 8 (maybe 6 weeks) I have lost 2.5" in my waist, and I think 4" in my hips! WOW!!! That's why clothes I tried on then that didn't fit, fit well now. And yes, the weight loss has been significant in that time period too. About 18#. I know it's over 30 since New Years, which is awesome! Only 35 to go, and I know I can do it. I watched Bob and Laura eat candy tonite, and I just can't imagine it. I honestly don't think I could stomach it. Maybe, someday, a little Hershey's Kiss, but that's about it. I honestly have no desire, no interest. That's a GOOD thing!