Weddings and Funerals & your budget

[SandrA9810]

I never really understood the purpose of flowers at a funeral. They do look gorgeous, and I love flowers, but I don't understand it.

My aunt (father side, that I didn't really know), died last year of cancer. And on the obit, it requested donations to the cancer society, I believe she had colon cancer. But the funeral home was still packed with arrangements. Sure they look nice there, but you don't really go to a funeral for picture taking. I'm sure some will remember, but a card can be held onto, even after the flowers have wilted.
A donation to a society can be remembered by the family, maybe not the amount, but knowing it's helping them out. And that money is being used to help people like the one they lost.
Money/food, probably no one could recall what a single person's gift went to or when that casserole got eaten. But it was there and ready when they needed it.

I also can't stand people that show up just because it's a great "family reunion" time. Or only show up at the funeral, but never have any intentions on knowing how that person is doing before they died. Now I can understand long lost friends that might've lost touch. But closer family members, like your own son... yeah, I don't like it.


On the flip side. Apparently in the Mexican families, the whole point of a funeral is to have a huge party. Food, drinks, music.... no one seems to mourn the loss of the person, just another reason to get together. Now I've never been to one, but it's what I've learned recently.

 

[pamlet]

My parents were elderly- and died within 2 months of each other. I know I appreciated EVERY little card, call, flower arrangement, check we recieved. It was nice to know that folks cared enough that we were hurting.

The time spent for the luncheons afterward were comforting also .. and especially at my Dad's it was a time for reunion of sorts. I live out of state and had not seen many of my cousins in close to 10 years. That time spent hearing how they appreciated my father, and stories about him were precious to me..

I think any gesture is appreciated in the long run - whether it was flowers, plants, cards, calls..

 

[annsteere]

For local people, in addition to attending the wake, I do a basket with coffee (one regular, one decaf), a pound of butter, and 1 regular and one flavored creamer. Seems like other people take care of dropping food off for the family. But when you have that many people gathered, you can run out of basics.

If it is one of my best friends, I've also done a bag of paper goods. Plates, cups, napkins, "silverware," paper towels and a 4 pack of TP. Ya gotta me craftier than me to make that into a presentation that looks good. But it IS what you run out of if the family is gathering at your house.

The other thing I do with close friends is keep a calendar. I send a second note on the one year annivesary of the death and an email on the first mothers or fathers day. I've been blessed and don't know from personal experience, but I'm guessing that a year later you feel alone on those important markers.

 

[emma'smom]

When my FIL died last year, each of the adult children bought an arrangement for the funeral (at my MIL request). She had requested "no flowers" and was thinking that these flowers would be plenty at the service (and she ordered one herself). Needless to say---some others sent flowers as well (people from MIL's office, etc).

FIL wasn't buried--so there was no grave to leave the flowers on. After the 30 minute service, we spent twice as long figuring out what to do with the flowers. Nobody wanted the obvious funeral displays (huge wreath, huge floral cross). Who wants those reminders in their home? Also, we literally didn't have enough car space. We had driven MIL to the church. So we were shoving flower arrangements wherever we could.....and then they were tipping over, etc.

At any rate, it convinced me! The flowers we ordered were really expensive and that $$$ could have been given to MIL to defray the costs of the restaurant luncheon or something.

My point--
Some flowers will always show up.
If you do send flowers, pick an arrangement that would look nice if taken home.
$$$ may be better appreciated (for a charity or for the family)

 

[LovableGluttons]

My husband was active duty military for twenty years. We always had money set aside in the event a family member died. When they would pass, I would donate $100 to an organization that had a special meaning to the deceased and put another hundred in cash in a condolence card for their spouse or children.

Living far away from everyone for so long also made it important for DH and I to prepay for our cremations. We each have one plan to cover if we pass away anywhere in the US and one good anywhere internationally.

 

[mafibisha]

OP Here ...

Thanks all for your replies. I'm so very sorry about the losses some of you have experienced, and especially recently when the pain is still so raw ..
I have been there in the past too, so I do know the feeling....

I do agree with what ya'll wrote and i also got some great new ideas, too. Its really sad that we need to walk this path too, but its nice to have ideas to make it a little easier for those we care about.

to all

 

[Belle5]

I am so sorry for your loss. My Son passed away in July so I know you must still be hurting, I know I am in shock myself. I agree it does change the way you handle those situations.

I can't even imagine...I am so sorry.

 

[Belle5]

My father passed away in July - got a blood clot that went to his heart and nothing could be done.

That sounds very sudden and is still so recent. I am very sorry about your dad!

 

[poohfriend77]

For most funerals, unless I know I would be insulting, I drop off a card at the funeral home or visitation with $40 with a note requesting that they use it however they see fit (whether that be for a donation to the charity, coverage of funeral costs, food, etc). Always been appreciated I think (No one have ever commented that they used it for a donation).

Otherwise I do a card and donation.

When my dad died, several people sent my mom cash in a sympathy card. She kept asking me what she was supposed to do with it. She assumed she had to donate it or have Masses said at our church. I tried to tell her that I doubted people were trying to make MORE work for her at that time, and that they just wanted her to use the money for whatever she needed. It would have been nice if people added a note like you do, that the money is for anything they need.

Other thoughtful things I received were restaurant/pizza gift cards and stamps (which were great for all the thank you cards we had to send!). And my best friend's mom brought over a ton of groceries... chicken salad, pulled pork, buns, potato salad, chips, etc., so we could feed people who dropped by. Oh, and she brought paper plates, which I thought was BRILLIANT, so we didn't have to worry about clean up.

 

[Sadie22]

In some groups it is customary to give money to the family to help with the funeral expenses. Some are used to sending flowers and cards.

When Pop died I learned that not all of the fresh flowers would go to the cemetery. The funeral director had a practice of sending flower baskets home with family members or, at their request, taking them to a nearby nursing home, because the baskets make more work for the cemetery caretakers. There were a lot of flowers. We were so grateful to those who sent plants which did not die or dry up in a few days.

 

[Gigi22]

Whenever I think of a family funeral, especially of a close family member, I think of pie. My Mom always got me to make a pie that she could take to the family of the deceased, to help out with their immediate food requirements. One of our neighbours used to bake a small ham and send it over. Another made fudge.

 

[tinatark]

About flowers - my BIL passed away very suddenly, almost 2 years ago, at 43 - massive heart attack, he died instantly. He was a firefighter, and due to the timing of his death (within 24 hrs of his shift ending) it was considered a line of duty death - we had TONS of flowers - potted plants, arrangements, peace lilys, and sprays - most of those went to the cemetery, but we shared many of the plants/arrangements - I asked his wife which she wanted, then his mom, then we (his wife and I) decided who else would get one - it worked, and I still have the lily in my house from then - somehow, it's comforting, if that makes sense.

I have done the basket of paper goods - paper towels, plates, tableware, clorox wipes, dish soap, etc., for families when we thought there would be a crowd. A cooler of ice for drinks is a good idea, too.

For flowers, we go in together with some of the rest of the family, depending on how close we were to the deceased.

You can made a contribution to the Gideon's - they will place bibles "In Memory" - someone did that for DH's grandmother and his brother, and we liked that gesture.

 

[At World's End]

I love the idea of a rose bush or tree that can be planted in honor of the person.

My DH attended a funeral last month. His cousin was murdered at the age of 28, leaving a 10 year old son with no parents (the boy's father was the killer, and he committed suicide later in the day). We gave DH's uncle a check to help with the funeral costs or whatever he needed it for. The family took alot of time off from work, and the mortgage will still need to be paid at the end of the month. Flowers are lovely, but I tend to be more practical.