Weddings and Funerals & your budget

[mafibisha]

Weddings and their cost and budgets have been discussed here several times but I don't recall reading anything about funerals and budgets.

Realizing that they too, will differ depending on geographical location, closeness to the people, and traditions, I wondered if you have any standard or usual way you offer sympathy.

For example, if you travel a distance to go to the wake and or funeral, do you still send flowers or whats more common around here, make a charitable donation in memory of the deceased?

 

[MomToOne]

If the family has requested donations in lieu of flowers and I know it, then I honor that request. I do not send flowers, and send just a donation to the requested charity instead. I also send a personal card to the family with my condolences.

If they do not specify, then I usually do a small arrangement of flowers and a small donation to a charity that seems appropriate for the person.

When my father passed away a few months ago, we requested donations to the hospice center that helped us care for him during his last month of life in lieu of flowers. We knew that he HATED funerals and all of the trappings that went with them - including the flowers - so we were honoring his wish by doing that. The hospice let us know everyone who made a donation in his name - those cards from the hospice let us know people were thinking of my father and us just as much as flowers would have, and we were able to feel happy with the knowledge that we made one of his final wishes come true.

 

[CajunDixie]

Usually if it's someone in the family my parents send a big arrangement with our all of us "kids" names on the card too. Otherwise I read the obit and if they ask for memorials to a specific place I prefer doing that.

Around here fresh flowers go to the cemetery and are left on the grave. Live plants are usually divided among the family members.

With the economy the way it is now and with people on unemployment I'm seeing more monetary requests going toward funeral expenses.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

There is no need for flowers, nor do you have to make a donation. I also would not bring a card to the funeral. (It's just one more thing for the deceased family to have to deal with.) All you need is to bring you.

My father just passed away. If you live far away and you haven't seen the deceased family in a long time PLEASE consider coming to visit at a later date. During the funeral there are so many people to talk to. We had visitation after wards with a buffet lunch, super casual at a legion hall, and it was wall to wall people.

More than likely the person would truly value a visit. If you plan this in advance then when others say, "Where is so and so," the family can say, "Oh she's coming in next week so we can have a nice long visit."

When my MIL died so many extended families said, "This is great to get together, so sad it has to be at a funeral."

 

[Coll0610]

My sister passed away a few weeks ago and I was surprised how many people sent flowers or plants even though we requested donations in lieu of flowers. We split up the plants among the family members, which was nice, but by the end of the visitation there were so many flowers and plants there wasn't anywhere to put them in the room.

One expense you didn't mention is clothes. DS is 15 and growing like a weed so he'd outgrown all his long pants and needed a dress shirt too. DH and I dress casually for work now so I had to buy a suit and DH needed dress shirts. DH and DS needed shoes too. Not much you can do about that.

What we have most appreciated is the personal notes that some people have sent. My sister was only 39 (breast cancer) and there were literally hundreds of people that came through the line at the visitation. I thought I saw everyone but when we looked through the guestbook later, there were people that I missed that day. Some of the people took a minute to share a memory of my sister, but so much of that weekend is a blur that is nice to have the personal notes to go back and read now.

MomToOne and Jill, my sympathies on the loss of your fathers.

Jill, my cousins said the same thing: It's nice to see everyone. Too bad it's for a funeral.

 

[mamo-4-wdw]

My family does not give plants, we give flowers.

If we think the closest relative would rather have the money we give them the money,with the way the ecconomy is nowdays we do this more often and just go in with others for the flowers.

We have church clothes that will do for funeral clothes.

I have an emergency fund envelope with enough cash for 4 days hotel,food, and gas that we would use for out of town funerals.

 

[cheriemek]

I only send flowers to close family. I don't usually contribute anything financially, but I ALWAYS attend wakes, and quite often, funerals, to personally pay my condolences. As I have lived in this area all of my life, I have lots of friends and family here and I probably go to a wake every other month. I lost my sister a few years ago (lung cancer) and I was so touched to see friends I had not seen in a long time come to pay their respects. I was also touched to see so many co-workers of mine attend.

 

[gillenkl]

I base my gifting on what the family requests be it: donation to charity or religious organization, flowers, etc.... I generally do not sent flowers to prefer to give a monetary gift in the name of the deceased. I only do this for very close family or friends.

 

[TLuvsD]

My family and I were STUNNED by the many, many beautiful flowers and plants sent in honor of my mother. It brought tears to my eyes, she had been sick for over a decade. It was a sight I will never forget when we arrived at the wake. And the many family and friends who took time to be with us for the wake and funeral have a special place in my heart. They truly helped make a difficult day easier.

If local, I attend at least either the wake or funeral, often both. I may send flowers (generally a dozen roses), take a meal or make a contribution depending on what the family needs/requests.

 

[Shellydm]

Hi,
I literally just ordered something about an hour ago for a family friend who lost their daughter. I thought they may like something to eat while friends and family stopped by for the next few days. So I sent an edible arrangement. It was expensive 72 dollars(with shipping), for me that was expensive. But it looked nice and it had good reviews that said it was as described and not dinky once it was delivered. I sent it from my mom, sister, brother and my family and 3 of us are chipping in so only 24 dollars each.

My dad passed away 2 years ago, a huge shock to us all. I will always cherish the flowers, plants, cards, phonecalls,emails etc we received. I remember what stuck out was the gift baskets with cheese and crackers or a ham etc because our house was crazy with a lot of company. We were in no state or mood to go to the store, so it was very nice to share the gift baskets and ham with the guests. That was much appreciated.

I understand if someone says no flowers, but it is hard for me to follow. I usually send a gift like above then donate to the charity and send them a card as well. I just can't imagine if every single person did not send a flower or plant and there was not one single flower or plant at the funeral. I would think the family may feel bad? Just my opinion. So I try and cover both bases. Like instead of sending flowers or plants, I wanted to send them a gift they could use for themselves and their guests.

I think the grieving person is happy for any thought, hug, card etc.

My heart breaks when anyone suffers a loss. Hugs to you all. I am still very upset about the sudden passing of my dad.

shelly

 

[Belle5]

My sister passed away a few weeks ago and I was surprised how many people sent flowers or plants even though we requested donations in lieu of flowers. We split up the plants among the family members, which was nice, but by the end of the visitation there were so many flowers and plants there wasn't anywhere to put them in the room.

One expense you didn't mention is clothes. DS is 15 and growing like a weed so he'd outgrown all his long pants and needed a dress shirt too. DH and I dress casually for work now so I had to buy a suit and DH needed dress shirts. DH and DS needed shoes too. Not much you can do about that.

What we have most appreciated is the personal notes that some people have sent. My sister was only 39 (breast cancer) and there were literally hundreds of people that came through the line at the visitation. I thought I saw everyone but when we looked through the guestbook later, there were people that I missed that day. Some of the people took a minute to share a memory of my sister, but so much of that weekend is a blur that is nice to have the personal notes to go back and read now.

MomToOne and Jill, my sympathies on the loss of your fathers.

Jill, my cousins said the same thing: It's nice to see everyone. Too bad it's for a funeral.

I am just so sorry about your sister.

 

[Jaycey'smom]

For us it really does depend on the person. For exp: in 1 year we had 6 funerals. One being a friend of my H's that we knew but were not really close to, so we sent a small flower arrangement. One being my Uncle who's daughter (she is my age) I am super close to, So I sent a rose bush for her to keep always. My other uncle died also that year and my mother, father and I sent a large flower bouquet and made a contribution to the church. My H's grandmother also died that year and we were about the closest to her of anyone. We did not send any flowers b/c we knew she would not want that. My grandmother also passed that year and again my Mother, father and i sent flowers for her. And then my Aunt died of Cancer. So we made a donation to the Cancer Society and sent no Flowers. I did help with the pictures though
As for the clothes, I had so many in one year that I could not afford to buy a new outfit for each one. So i wore the same 2/3 dresses to all of them. Including the Viewings/Funerals.

 

[Belle5]

We have a made a family decision. With thirteen nieces and nephews spread all over the country--we are no longer dragging all eight of us to weddings. We did this last year for my niece in Ohio and bought new suits for all six of our sons. I can't even begin to tell you how much that trip cost us! Everywhere we go, we stay in two hotel rooms. From now on, it will be me by myself while DH stays home with our two youngest (13 and 7) or he will go and I will stay here (he did this in Oct. for another niece's wedding). If it's a wedding within decent driving distance we will bring the two youngest along and drive.

Funerals--my only brother was taken from us very suddenly a few years ago. He lived in Atlanta. My friends here came by the house and said instead of sending flowers we are giving you $$$ to help with your hotel cost, food costs, gasoline costs, clothing costs, etc. That was such a blessing and so thoughtful! I am glad that they all put thought into what our real needs were instead of just sending flowers! (Nothing WRONG with flowers--I often send them).

 

[clh2]

my only brother was taken from us very suddenly a few years ago. He lived in Atlanta. My friends here came by the house and said instead of sending flowers we are giving you $$$ to help with your hotel cost, food costs, gasoline costs, clothing costs, etc. That was such a blessing and so thoughtful! I am glad that they all put thought into what our real needs were instead of just sending flowers! (Nothing WRONG with flowers--I often send them).

What a wonderful idea!

 

[riley2008]

For most funerals, unless I know I would be insulting, I drop off a card at the funeral home or visitation with $40 with a note requesting that they use it however they see fit (whether that be for a donation to the charity, coverage of funeral costs, food, etc). Always been appreciated I think (No one have ever commented that they used it for a donation).

Otherwise I do a card and donation.

 

[Jaycey'smom]

We have a made a family decision. With thirteen nieces and nephews spread all over the country--we are no longer dragging all eight of us to weddings. We did this last year for my niece in Ohio and bought new suits for all six of our sons. I can't even begin to tell you how much that trip cost us! Everywhere we go, we stay in two hotel rooms. From now on, it will be me by myself while DH stays home with our two youngest (13 and 7) or he will go and I will stay here (he did this in Oct. for another niece's wedding). If it's a wedding within decent driving distance we will bring the two youngest along and drive.

Funerals--my only brother was taken from us very suddenly a few years ago. He lived in Atlanta. My friends here came by the house and said instead of sending flowers we are giving you $$$ to help with your hotel cost, food costs, gasoline costs, clothing costs, etc. That was such a blessing and so thoughtful! I am glad that they all put thought into what our real needs were instead of just sending flowers! (Nothing WRONG with flowers--I often send them).

That is very thoughtful of your friends! And I have never thought of doing that, but will form now on!!

 

[bumbershoot]

There is no need for flowers, nor do you have to make a donation. I also would not bring a card to the funeral. (It's just one more thing for the deceased family to have to deal with.) All you need is to bring you.

.....
When my MIL died so many extended families said, "This is great to get together, so sad it has to be at a funeral."

I really agree with that. The flowers were nice, I imagine (I don't know, I couldn't look at the front of my stepfather's church), for my mom's funeral. But all I remember is that none of them came home with us, and it took my stepdad and I quite a bit of time to write out thank you notes. It just felt like a highly unpleasant chore to me (don't know how stepdad felt).

I just can't imagine if every single person did not send a flower or plant and there was not one single flower or plant at the funeral. I would think the family may feel bad?

But if it's the family requesting no flowers, then you can trust that they are expecting/hoping for that...


OP, I haven't actually had any "normal" funerals since I've been an adult, other than my mom's (and I was a zombie for that), so I haven't encountered the need for a budget for it.

But from what I *did* appreciate after my mom died, honestly, I might do what one neighbor did...they just brought by $20 in an envelope. We thought it was SO weird. And then...one night we ordered pizza with it. And it was very much appreciated at that time. My mom, stepdad, and I all were/are vegetarian, so all the food gifts from neighbors/acquaintances went untouched by us (though they were nice after the funeral when we could just bring them out for others), and the cash ended up being very useful.

So I think I would do that. Might be weird at the time, but it's ultimately useful!

 

[MomToOne]

Not a hour after I posted my previous response I received word my cousin (my godmother) passed away very unexpectedly last night.

Since we have no indication that donations were requested in lieu of flowers, we are sticking with the plan of sending a floral arrangement from myself and all my siblings. And since my cousin's husband has never really had to cook for himself before, my brother and I are also planning to give a gift card to a local grocery that delivers full meals that all he has to do is warm up (we also did this a couple of years ago when another cousin was terminally ill).

My brother will be travelling for the funeral on Monday. I'm trying to get there, but I'm in CA and the funeral is in NY and between trying to find someone to watch my daughter and trying to find flights, I'm not sure all the pieces will come together....

I do want to say that since my father's death I've learned to go with the Suzie Orman philosophy of "PEOPLE first, then money". I think at times like this, while it's OK to keep an eye on the cost and not go crazy, your budget should not be the most important thing. Emergency funds are for life events such as this.

 

[KATODAYO]

My father passed away in July - got a blood clot that went to his heart and nothing could be done. My parents had a small insurance policy but we found that it would only cover about a 1/3 of the funeral costs - wow they are expensive! We really appreciated all the donations from friends in my Dad's memory, they helped cover the balance of the funeral.

Before my Dad's passing I admit I was horrible at going to wakes or even sending a card to the family. I can tell you that since then my brothers and sisters and I have taken turns on reading the obits and making sure that we send something from our family when someone passes away. A card with even $20 bucks or even just a card means so much!

I think it's one of those situations that until you have been in that situation, you may handle it differently.

 

[mamo-4-wdw]

My father passed away in July - got a blood clot that went to his heart and nothing could be done. My parents had a small insurance policy but we found that it would only cover about a 1/3 of the funeral costs - wow they are expensive! We really appreciated all the donations from friends in my Dad's memory, they helped cover the balance of the funeral.

Before my Dad's passing I admit I was horrible at going to wakes or even sending a card to the family. I can tell you that since then my brothers and sisters and I have taken turns on reading the obits and making sure that we send something from our family when someone passes away. A card with even $20 bucks or even just a card means so much!

I think it's one of those situations that until you have been in that situation, you may handle it differently.

I am so sorry for your loss. My Son passed away in July so I know you must still be hurting, I know I am in shock myself. I agree it does change the way you handle those situations.