Wedding reception question

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

As far as the OP goes---the closest I have seen to that was for my sister in law's wedding in Hawaii. They had a huge "everyone is invited" rehearsal dinner the night before -- I think it cost more than the wedding and everyone who was at one was at the other, minus the 4 children at the wedding.
Seating was all assigned- The bride and groom included her parents (he is estranged from his), his brother and brother's wife and her brother and sister. Myself and her sister's husband were not included at that table. In fact, we were seated at what seemed to be an "overflow" table around a corner from everyone else. Given that I was heavily pressured by the bride to leave my kids with a 13 year old babysitter I had never met instead of staying back and wathcing them and my nieces, I was not thrilled by this. BUT everyone had some assigned seating.
Otherwise I have only seen either all assigned or all open. Personally I prefer all open so peopel are encouraged to meet one another, but either is fine.

If there was as meal served to all at aout the same time it is really not right that there was not enough seating--I agree with others in wondering if people failed to RSVP and hten showed up (I guess assigned seating would help keep those people from taking space meant for those who RSVPd).

To the rest of the thread and talking about bar tables, not seats for every person, etc: Have you seen this at weddings with one set mealtime (versus a more free form appetiezers nad dessert, cocktail party type thing?)? I've only seen it in situations where the assumption is not everyone would be choosing to sit down at hte same moment anyway. In which case, there should be adequate seating forall to sit when they choose---unless someone is rudely "holöding" a place at a table all ngith even when up mingling or dancing, etc. In that case, it's not the hosts who are rude but the guests who do so.

If someone says cocktail and then doesn't mention dinner at all (meaning they don't actually say cocktail hr followed by dinner and instead just say cocktail) I assume a mix of seating and high-top tables. To date I've been to 2 weddings where there was no dinner and it was just small plates/cocktail style and seating by design wasn't there for all guests but instead a mix of seating and high-top tables. At both weddings however that was the extent of the reception. There was no music at all even a dj for a time, no dancing at all. So by design you sorta said your congrats when the couple came to you, got a little bit of the small plate-food and then....left.

I personally haven't been to a wedding where there was an assumption that you would be eating at different times when there is actually a dinner being served rather than just strictly a cocktail-style.

As for holding a place at a table--I'm not about to make assumptions on why someone isn't mingling or dancing..my own grandmother for instance wouldn't mingle or dance, neither would my aunt nor would some other people I know on my husband's side of the family then again no one I know would hold the seat and wouldn't let someone sit there when they asked "is this seat taken" or "may I sit here". Regardless of expecting people to mingle or not IMO more seating than actual RSVP'd guests should be at the venue and there usually is a set # or % of extras in case people RSVP'd no or didn't RSVP at all but still came or their +1 was able to come.

 

[NotUrsula]

I'm from Chicago area and used to the big Italian weddings with multi-course sit-down meals and a huge dessert table/room after the cake. I had never been to a wedding (even buffets) that did not have assigned seating until....

A few years ago my mom and I flew to Dallas for a wedding of one of her cousin's daughters. There were only a few of us representing the father of the bride's family as most of us are in Chicago. Most of them took the shuttle from the hotel so they didn't have to drive.

Well... after the beautiful, elaborate church ceremony, we all went to the banquet hall - which was a building in the middle of an industrial complex that housed just two banquet rooms (with a small prep kitchen) and bathrooms. When we arrived, we noticed it wasn't assigned seating - except one table said "reserved for father of the bride family" - which we assumed (correctly) was us and we sat down.

The bridal party arrived and they launched right into a dance party. There was a beautiful head table, but I never saw anyone from the bridal party sit down. The DJ started playing dance music, and they made an announcement that the buffet was open and special drinks available at the bars.

So we got our food, sat down and ate... and 20 minutes later we were all sitting there wondering what to do? We're used to long speeches by everyone and their brother so that at least a hour or two pass before we even get our food. Here we are, 30 minutes in, and we're done eating.

It was obvious that there weren't going to be any formalities, so we went to get cake - which was cupcakes. Some of my family was too afraid to get a cupcake without being invited, but we took a few from the back of the display anyway. Of course my mom and uncle need coffee with cake... no coffee! It was never ordered with the catering package. My mom and uncle tried sneaking into the other banquet room for coffee, but opted not to.

I danced for a little while, but felt bad for my relatives (ages 60+) who had flown in for the wedding and were essentially trapped there. At 8pm they were done eating and dessert, only loud dance music, and the shuttle wasn't picking anyone up until 10pm.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging my cousins' choices for her wedding. It was just unfortunate that guests weren't given a good expectation of the differences from what we're used to.

We're also used to just giving money in a card, for years I never saw anyone actually bring a wrapped gift to a wedding. Until college when I went to a wedding in Wisconsin, where they not only gave wrapped gifts, but they stopped the dancing for an hour and went on the dance floor to open them all. The bride told me later she thought it was odd I gave her a card with cash - she thought I was being lazy - and I thought it was odd when she was surprised that I hadn't planned time during my reception to open gifts (of which she gave me a lovely homemade item).

I think we all come in to weddings (and other events/experiences) with expectations based on what we know. I've now learned to expect anything and go with the flow. If that's what the bride and groom chose, then I support their decisions - it's their day, not mine.

Oh, Lord, you took the story right off of my fingertips -- only I was going to tell it the other way round, as the young Southerner who didn't understand the groom from-the-Northeast family's behavior at a friend's wedding. (Not the same wedding, though, this one happened in Louisiana, and it was decades ago.) In my part of the South, you hit the dance floor immediately while the bridal party is held up dealing with photos, and except for the elderly folks who are probably going to leave early, most people do not stop to eat until the band goes on break. It's also common to serve a very generous variety of small-serving foods upon which guests "graze" throughout the party rather than to fill a plate and sit down to eat it all at once. There might be one or two brief toasts just before the cake is cut, but we generally don't do speeches. At the wedding where this happened to me, the reception was in the afternoon (rather unusual in itself), and the band had only been hired to play for two hours. We all danced immediately and then went to eat when the band packed up, but the groom's family, who had eaten immediately and then sat chatting for awhile, was shocked to discover that the reception was essentially ending just as they felt ready to get up and dance. The bride later told me that she had the buffet opened early because her DH told her his family would expect it, but she hadn't realized that that meant they would immediately just sit down and eat without participating in the party swirling around them. Several members of the bridal party (including me) took pity on them and took them out for the evening after the reception wound down, as it was obvious that they felt like they had been left out of the celebration and let down after traveling all that way. I also remember being kind of surprised that there were tables with place settings in the venue, but again, she had been told that the groom's family would expect to sit to eat, which the majority of the guests did not expect to do.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

This is an odd statement. Being a guest at a wedding, meaning you are important to bride and/or groom.

The last wedding we attended, we had never met the bride and groom. I have no way of knowing if other attendees were in the same situation. It was a large gathering and we never did meet them! My DH is friends with the brides father. I didn't think we'd go ( when I opened the " save the date" it only had first names and I had NO IDEA who they were!) but DH said the father of the bride had specifically said to come so he would have friends there and people to visit with all evening.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If someone says cocktail and then doesn't mention dinner at all (meaning they don't actually say cocktail hr followed by dinner and instead just say cocktail) I assume a mix of seating and high-top tables. To date I've been to 2 weddings where there was no dinner and it was just small plates/cocktail style and seating by design wasn't there for all guests but instead a mix of seating and high-top tables. At both weddings however that was the extent of the reception. There was no music at all even a dj for a time, no dancing at all. So by design you sorta said your congrats when the couple came to you, got a little bit of the small plate-food and then....left.

I personally haven't been to a wedding where there was an assumption that you would be eating at different times when there is actually a dinner being served rather than just strictly a cocktail-style.

As for holding a place at a table--I'm not about to make assumptions on why someone isn't mingling or dancing..my own grandmother for instance wouldn't mingle or dance, neither would my aunt nor would some other people I know on my husband's side of the family then again no one I know would hold the seat and wouldn't let someone sit there when they asked "is this seat taken" or "may I sit here". Regardless of expecting people to mingle or not IMO more seating than actual RSVP'd guests should be at the venue and there usually is a set # or % of extras in case people RSVP'd no or didn't RSVP at all but still came or their +1 was able to come.

Of coruse there wil always be some people (usually older) who cannot or do not want to dance and sit pretty much the entire time--but, if it is a party iwth dancing and grazing and whatnot and there are chairs for say 60% of the guests, plus bar tables, even if ten percent sit the whole time that leaves lots of open seats that someone can use when they want to take a break to eat or just sit down for a bit. People were posting about having to stand for 44 hours in heels, and i don't see how that happens unless every chair is taken by someone who never moves, or who thinks they can drape a jacket over it and holdit as "their" space even while they are up dancing and mingling--in which case, at such an event, I would fault those guests as rude, not the host for providing what should be adequate seating for that style event.

As I said, the events in the OP do sound like there was the intention of all having a meal at once, in which case it would seem it was poor plannig to not have ample seating for every attendee

 

[antmaril]

I have never (in the last 30 years) been to a wedding that did not have assigned seating. And, I have never been to a wedding that didn't have enough seats for the wedding guests. I can't wrap my brain around that one. Who would do this? Could this ever be okay?

 

[Hikergirl]

I have never (in the last 30 years) been to a wedding that did not have assigned seating. And, I have never been to a wedding that didn't have enough seats for the wedding guests. I can't wrap my brain around that one. Who would do this? Could this ever be okay?

We really don't know who would do this, there are possibilities why there appeared to be not enough seats.
Like a pp mentioned, maybe there were enough seats for every person but empty ones were scattered throughout the venue.
Maybe people were "saving" seats with coats and purses but nobody was really sitting in them.
Maybe people not invited, or who didn't RSVP yes showed up.

The OP mentioned one bridesmaid having to find a seat. How many other people did the OP see that didn't have a seat, 50? Seeing a couple people not finding a seat doesn't automatically mean there weren't enough seats.
If it was a ton of people then I think its possible that the bride and groom didn't plan well, if its just a few all that might mean is that those people just couldn't find their available seat.

 

[ronandannette]

Actually, in many cases the buffet ends up being more expensive per head. In our case, it was significantly more than a seated plated dinner and as it was explained to us, it's because with a buffet that account for more food per person (2nd trips, larger serving sizes, etc). But that was 18 years ago...

Exactly this in our case too, which is why we went with it initially. But afterwards I was so glad we did; 3 plated courses professionally served just suited the formal venue we had perfectly and everything was elegant and lovely!

IMO, the caterers are performing very poorly if it takes an hour to serve plates to the entire room. They absolutely can and should have timing down to a science and enough wait-staff to get the meal out in a very concise fashion. I attend lots of "rubber chucken" dinners for my job and routinely see rooms of 500+ all served within 15 minutes by an army of servers.

 

[nkereina]

To not make sure there are enough seats is crazy. We got married last year and actually had the opposite problem - too many seats! We had a few no call/no shows, but still had an extra chair or two at a couple tables just by nature of the seating arrangements.

I've been to two weddings in the last 2-3 years that did not do assigned seating and it was more stressful for the guests than anything else. Once we realized there were no assigned seats, we quickly "claimed" a table and set stuff from our friends' at the same table so we could all sit together. We had two friends that had to sit elsewhere because we couldn't all get one together. It was just awkward. It reminded me of the pool lounge chair game on cruise ships or at resorts where people get there early and throw shoes on the chairs to stake their claim, and then some people are left in crappy spots!

 

[aprilgail]

We're also used to just giving money in a card, for years I never saw anyone actually bring a wrapped gift to a wedding. Until college when I went to a wedding in Wisconsin, where they not only gave wrapped gifts, but they stopped the dancing for an hour and went on the dance floor to open them all. The bride told me later she thought it was odd I gave her a card with cash - she thought I was being lazy - and I thought it was odd when she was surprised that I hadn't planned time during my reception to open gifts (of which she gave me a lovely homemade item).

.

That is so odd- sounds like a childs birthday party or a shower where they open all the gifts there, never heard of anyone opening gifts at a wedding, I would have been a bit taken back to see that happen! In fact there is no place to even PUT a gift if you brought one to a wedding, there is a box or bird cage like thing for you to put an envelope in. Even as a kid I remember the weddings I went to there were no gifts at!

 

[marcyleecorgan]

The only way I could see this assigned seating for family members in that fashion (leaving wedding party to sit in General Admission LOL) being understandable, is if said family members have a lot of medical conditions, or traveled a long distance and maybe don't speak the language. But that does not seem to be the case here...

Sounds like the venues and event staff talked the couples into believing the "mingle" crowd-flow. Nope, people put down their coats and purses and want to get off their heeled shoes... people want to sit and eat.

Sounds like the room did mingle though, so I guess it all worked out.

Usually the only solution that is presented by the event staff/venue is, either pay for a staffed coat check area, or pay crazy prices for a few more chairs (and risk having to adjust the venue's fire safety plan - usually another fee...)! Either way, someone has to pay.

 

[Frozen Canuck]

Buffets taking longer or shorter in my opinion depends actually on how the seating is done.

Assigned tables and called in a specific order for your turn up at the buffet take FOREVER in my opinion

Funny story...

When my son was married there was a head table for the wedding party and then eight other large tables (numbered 1 thru 8, with the bride's family being Table 1 and the groom's family at Table 8). Based on the location being outside of our home country, the entire wedding consisted almost solely of the bride's family and friends. The groom's side had seven people...we didn't even fill a whole table. When the buffet was announced by the MOH at the head table, it was stated that the tables would approach the buffet in order from Table 1 thru Table 8. Nobody seemed to notice or care that that put the groom's family eating last...and so we sat and waited and waited and waited while everyone else walked past us on their way to the buffet. I joked with the people in our group that if they thought being associated with the groom's family was going to win them any advantages, that they were sorely mistaken and we just kind of laughed it off. It was awhile before we were actually able to start eating and by that point, the bride and groom were already making their rounds through the room.

 

[princesspiglet]

I'm from Pittsburgh....the cookie table is way more important than the food! I had 8 cookie tables and 150 dozen of cookies for 300 people. The cookies were gone before the food even got cold!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Funny story...

When my son was married there was a head table for the wedding party and then eight other large tables (numbered 1 thru 8, with the bride's family being Table 1 and the groom's family at Table 8). Based on the location being outside of our home country, the entire wedding consisted almost solely of the bride's family and friends. The groom's side had seven people...we didn't even fill a whole table. When the buffet was announced by the MOH at the head table, it was stated that the tables would approach the buffet in order from Table 1 thru Table 8. Nobody seemed to notice or care that that put the groom's family eating last...and so we sat and waited and waited and waited while everyone else walked past us on their way to the buffet. I joked with the people in our group that if they thought being associated with the groom's family was going to win them any advantages, that they were sorely mistaken and we just kind of laughed it off. It was awhile before we were actually able to start eating and by that point, the bride and groom were already making their rounds through the room.

Aww man that's a bummer. I would have thought they would have put you at like table #2 not all the way at the end. Glad you were able to sorta laugh it off

One wedding where it took a long long time they had 19 tables. We were table #17. They went 1 and 3, then 2 and 4, then 5 and 7, then 6 and 8 and so on.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

If someone says cocktail and then doesn't mention dinner at all (meaning they don't actually say cocktail hr followed by dinner and instead just say cocktail) I assume a mix of seating and high-top tables. To date I've been to 2 weddings where there was no dinner and it was just small plates/cocktail style and seating by design wasn't there for all guests but instead a mix of seating and high-top tables. At both weddings however that was the extent of the reception. There was no music at all even a dj for a time, no dancing at all. So by design you sorta said your congrats when the couple came to you, got a little bit of the small plate-food and then....left.

I personally haven't been to a wedding where there was an assumption that you would be eating at different times when there is actually a dinner being served rather than just strictly a cocktail-style.

As for holding a place at a table--I'm not about to make assumptions on why someone isn't mingling or dancing..my own grandmother for instance wouldn't mingle or dance, neither would my aunt nor would some other people I know on my husband's side of the family then again no one I know would hold the seat and wouldn't let someone sit there when they asked "is this seat taken" or "may I sit here". Regardless of expecting people to mingle or not IMO more seating than actual RSVP'd guests should be at the venue and there usually is a set # or % of extras in case people RSVP'd no or didn't RSVP at all but still came or their +1 was able to come.

For just cocktails and appetizers type deals, somewhat less than one seat per guest is ok. There are a few chair dancing folks. But most will sit for a portion and stand for a portion.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Of coruse there wil always be some people (usually older) who cannot or do not want to dance and sit pretty much the entire time--but, if it is a party iwth dancing and grazing and whatnot and there are chairs for say 60% of the guests, plus bar tables, even if ten percent sit the whole time that leaves lots of open seats that someone can use when they want to take a break to eat or just sit down for a bit. People were posting about having to stand for 44 hours in heels, and i don't see how that happens unless every chair is taken by someone who never moves, or who thinks they can drape a jacket over it and holdit as "their" space even while they are up dancing and mingling--in which case, at such an event, I would fault those guests as rude, not the host for providing what should be adequate seating for that style event.

As I said, the events in the OP do sound like there was the intention of all having a meal at once, in which case it would seem it was poor plannig to not have ample seating for every attendee

Right but I was saying I'm not going to judge anyone who is just sitting down regardless. If whoever is planning the wedding doesn't plan for enough seats for all to sit period then to me that's their issue not a guest issue. I'm not one to look at someone at a wedding and be like "well geez why aren't they out there partying it up" when there are enough seats so what I was saying is I wouldn't do that if there wasn't enough seats. I was giving my experience in that the only weddings (of which there were 2 of them) I've been to where there were high tops and seating mixed was weddings where the expectations was you don't stick around for long as nothing is being provided after the ceremony like entertainment (you briefly ate from small little plates and said your congrats and then left). Weddings where you are expected to stick around should, IMO, have enough seating (plus extras) for all guests-that to me is not on the guest it's on whoever planned the wedding rather than something you take issue with if a guest is sitting. Now I would think someone was being slightly rude if they had a purse sitting on a chair and it's clearly not meant for another individual but rather used so no one else will sit there and they refused to let someone sit there-but I was saying that those I know who choose to sit for just about all the wedding wouldn't have that attitude to begin with and would perfectly fine if someone asked to sit in that 'empty' chair.

 

[Frozen Canuck]

Aww man that's a bummer. I would have thought they would have put you at like table #2 not all the way at the end. Glad you were able to sorta laugh it off

Well, the way the tables were arranged, we were at the front of the room close to the head table, but numerically, we were last. It would have made more sense if they had recognized the two family tables and then went through numerically...but that is all water under the bridge now.

One wedding where it took a long long time they had 19 tables. We were table #17. They went 1 and 3, then 2 and 4, then 5 and 7, then 6 and 8 and so on.

Now that just seems SUPER confusing! I can't understand why they would do it in that fashion...and poor Table 19! They would have to go all by themselves! I'm sure it was a "fun" system that seemed like a good idea to someone. It isn't always for us to know the reasoning behind some of these things!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Well, the way the tables were arranged, we were at the front of the room close to the head table, but numerically, we were last. It would have made more sense if they had recognized the two family tables and then went through numerically...but that is all water under the bridge now.



Now that just seems SUPER confusing! I can't understand why they would do it in that fashion...and poor Table 19! They would have to go all by themselves! I'm sure it was a "fun" system that seemed like a good idea to someone. It isn't always for us to know the reasoning behind some of these things!

I'm tellin' ya it was a bit confusing at first. I did feel bad for table 19 too!

And I agree for your wedding you were talking about a little recognition would have been good but I'm glad at least you were at the front of the room

 

[dzorn]

I've never been to wedding reception where there was not enough seats if a dinner was being served.

 

[bellebud]

I have never (in the last 30 years) been to a wedding that did not have assigned seating. And, I have never been to a wedding that didn't have enough seats for the wedding guests. I can't wrap my brain around that one. Who would do this? Could this ever be okay?

No, it's never ok. Unless it's a backyard bbq or something, but even then, people need to sit. I bet people who gave cash envelopes changed their gift amounts if they couldn't find a seat. I sure would.

 

[disykat]

I'm still following this thread in amazement. The standard pay for your plate Dis debate has now turned into pay for your seat!

(That doesn't mean I don't get that it's poor planning not to have enough seats, it just means I don't get how a poorly planned wedding determines the amount of the gift. For those that have no idea why I would say that - I'm from the "give a gift based on my relationship with the bride and groom" side of this old DIS argument, not the "give a gift based on the wedding" side.)