Wedding planning and disagreeing in-laws

[julie_yet]

Okay, my brother is getting married next May and today him and my parents and his fiance and her parents had dinner to discuss the wedding. They were all on the same page right up until my mother mentioned that our side of the family is highly allergic to perfume. To give you a little background on that, my mom, aunt and grandmother all get extremely sick with headaches and dizziness. On several occasions my grandmother has even had blood in her urine because of it. When they get sick all they can do is go to bed and sleep it off.

My mom said that maybe they could put something in the invitation politely telling guests to refrain from wearing perfume. The bride-to-be's mother freaked out saying she doesn't want to offend all her friends and "Oh, my gosh, what will they think?" So my mom told her that when her sister got married she told people not to wear perfume and no one was upset by it. But she didn't seem to care. This woman would rather offend her future in-laws who she has to live with for the rest of her life than put off a few people for just one day.

Oh, and then her mother suggested seating arrangements might help. Um, since when can you confine perfume to one side of a room?

I feel so bad for my mom. She came home in tears worried that she isn't going to be able to attend her own son's wedding.

Okay, people what are your thoughts? I'd love to hear some advice/opinions.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is up to her son & future DIL to dictate the wedding. If the (future) MIL cannot come to something agreeable then it is up to him to stop the wedding. He would be wise to do so, imho.

What your mother has asked is while odd to some, necessary for her health and certainly doable. That is top priority.

However it will be up to your brother what happens.

As the mother, I would tell son that if the request is not honored I cannot come. He will have to deal with the fallout.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I agree with the Mystery Machine.


I'm allergic to a certain type of flowers (open pollinating flowers)--so I had practically odorless flowers in my wedding. But I was the bride .

Given that important family members would possibly miss out on this special day of the groom...that would take precedence over how MIL is worried what "their" side will think.

I would hope that if an important guest of the bride or groom had something like a peanut allergy--that the same courtesy would be extended.

Bride and Groom should do what THEY want and not what MIL says.

 

[julie_yet]

Because they're going to be paying for the majority of the wedding she feels like she has to have the last word on everything. I really think my brother and my future SIL should talk with her.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think they should too.

Money does not entitle one to not consider the health of guests. HER guests (aka the bride's side of the list) are no more importent than your families guests.

I would strongly encourage--and maybe the bride can just add it on.

Perhaps a compromise would be an insert in the invitation...like when you include the hotel information....kindly requesting guests to not wear perfume.

(i only know to not include registry information--so hopefully I am not stepping on etiquette toes with that request. At least the invite won't be "tarnished" with the request ).

MIL sounds like a prize.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Because they're going to be paying for the majority of the wedding she feels like she has to have the last word on everything. I really think my brother and my future SIL should talk with her.

But see, a wedding is about joining as a couple, NOT the "Party". If you cannot agree on the "party" you shouldn't get married.
Obviously this is NOT a match if the future SIL cannot say to her mother...WE ARE NOT HAVING PERFUME!

 

[lulugirl]

I think it's up to your brother and his future wife, everyone else should be told "MYOB".
That said, I'm curious as to how your family deals w/ this in everyday life? They must go places where people wear perfume? I do understand their discomfort because I personally detest perfume, I don't have an allergic reaction, I just really dislike it.

 

[julie_yet]

But see, a wedding is about joining as a couple, NOT the "Party". If you cannot agree on the "party" you shouldn't get married.
Obviously this is NOT a match if the future SIL cannot say to her mother...WE ARE NOT HAVING PERFUME!

I personally love my future SIL but I think because she still lives with her parents they still have that "hold" on her. She's been accommodating about perfume and scents when she's visited my grandmother's house so I really don't think she'll mind about the wedding. I just wish she would have spoken up today.

As far as how my family handles perfume in public, depending on where they are they either have to bear it or leave. My mom carries a portable air purifier with her that hangs around her neck.

 

[lulugirl]

I personally love my future SIL but I think because she still lives with her parents they still have that "hold" on her. She's been accommodating about perfume and scents when she's visited my grandmother's house so I really don't think she'll mind about the wedding. I just wish she would have spoken up today.

As far as how my family handles perfume in public, depending on where they are they either have to bear it or leave. My mom carries a portable air purifier with her that hangs around her neck.

Has future SIL been able to "stand up" to her mother in the past? Maybe she didn't speak up today because she wanted to discuss it in private w/ your brother and then talk to her Mom? I hope that's the case. Personally I don't see why anyone would find that offensive (requesting no perfume on the invitation).
Hope it all works out!

 

[karebear1]

I

My mom carries a portable air purifier with her that hangs around her neck.

Why that would make a delightful necklace for the mother of the groom!!! .... don't you think?!?!?!?
Planning weddings is so hard to do. Honestly, I'll bet the MIL was upset about a lot more then just that perfume request. While it may appear as though she seemed to get along and come to agreement during the conversation about the wedding, I'll bet she didn't really agree with all that much, and that the perfume request was just the last straw on the proverbial camels back! Anyone that was a considerate human being would have no objection to this request. I think she was on overload trying to "compromise" for the wedding. I'll bet if they give her a few days, she'll come around.

 

[Caradana]

I could see being less than excited to engrave "please, no perfume" on an invitation. It is a little odd. I feel for your mother. If perfume bothers her so much that she can't risk have anyone wearing any at her son's wedding, than she must not be able to go into department stores, malls, etc.

I think the "invitation insert" approach is a good one.

 

[Kermit]

I hope they get things worked out. I think the bride-to-be needs to stand up to her mother. If she can't do it now, they're likely to run into problems after the wedding, too. Are they going to premarital counseling? That would be a great issue to bring up.

I do like the idea of putting it on an insert rather than the main invitation. One dear family friend had the words of my invitation painted onto a cake stand. It's a beautiful cake stand, but people would think it rather odd if it said, "No perfume, please" at the bottom.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If perfume bothers her so much that she can't risk have anyone wearing any at her son's wedding, than she must not be able to go into department stores, malls, etc.

I'm not allergic to perfume in general--but floral fragrances. There is a store in DTD that I have to stay completely away from. When my family wants to go into it--I have to stay a good 50 feet away from the door.

 

[Lyn5]

I think it is more about control than the perfume. They are paying for part of the wedding and so they may feel like they have the most say. I think your brother and his future wife have to come to terms with this and any other issues they may have...if the future MIL is controlling now, I doubt it would stop after the wedding. SIL might have to choose whether it is important to her that your brother is happy or to be obey mommy. I had to make those tough choices before, eventually my mom came around .

 

[bgirldeb]

I, too don't think that on the invitation itself is the appropriate place for requesting no perfume. Maybe a small card inserted with the invitation that states something such as:

In order for guests with chemical sensitivity to be able to join us for this occasion, the Bride and Groom request that guests please refrain from wearing perfume or other scented products.

 

[princess pooh]

I also think a card insert is the way to go. If your FSIL doesn't take a stand, I think your brother should. All the men I know had a say about what went on at their weddings, even if they didn't pay for the whole thing.

 

[aprilgail2]

Because they're going to be paying for the majority of the wedding she feels like she has to have the last word on everything. I really think my brother and my future SIL should talk with her.

If they give them a hard time I would thank them for their offer to pay and then decline their offer and pay for it myself where I could have full say on everything about my own wedding...

 

[MsDisney23]

Oh boy, wait til they get to the cake! Sounds like there is going to be problems. A for your Mom.

 

[Christine]

If perfume bothers her so much that she can't risk have anyone wearing any at her son's wedding, than she must not be able to go into department stores, malls, etc.

I think the "invitation insert" approach is a good one.

Actually, in a mall you can easily walk away, far away, from most perfumed people or sales clerks. Different matter getting stuck in a church next to someone or in a reception hall.

Over the weekend, my DD was playing around with her Britney Spears perfume and too much came out and rolled all down her arm. She wiped it off and came into the family room. It was so strong I noticed that I had to start clearing my throat all the time. Took me awhile to realize that the perfume was getting to me. A few minutes after that, my DS (who has asthma) promptly had an asthma attack. We had to pull out the nebulizer, which we hadn't needed in a year. Had to go make my DD wash it all off. Perfume can be pretty scary for some people.

 

[dg39]

This is where alittle common courtesy comes into play. Seems as though the in-laws are starting off on the wrong foot. Like many other posters said, the request may seem odd to most of us, but, to some its a health issue. Alittle insert in the invitations seems the only way to go with this. Hopefully, they'll be "allowed" to request "please,no perfume to be worn due to health reasons" and all will go well. If I received an invite with this, I wouldn't think anything of it and not wear perfume that day. It's really no biggie, unless the in-laws make it into one.