Wedding invite for cheating husband? update post 31

[SDFgirl]

My fiance asked me to ask this question on the Disboards.

His aunt ("Betty"), who is also his Godmother, is going through a divorce to "Joe." Betty and Joe have been married about 30 years.

We adore Betty - she is warm, loving, and kind. The divorce is hitting her hard. We have recently found out that Joe has been cheating on her since January, but they didn't decide to divorce until late this summer. Of course, this information has been devastating for Betty. It's so painful to see her go through this.

Betty and DF's mom have asked us NOT to send Joe an invite for our upcoming wedding. I would like to honor their wishes, because of my love for Betty, and also because I really have no desire to have him there.

My DF wants to send him and invite and resents being "put in the middle." He feels that they shouldn't ask us not to invite people to our wedding. He is angry with Joe too, but also remembers the good times when they were all a happy family (vacations, etc). Additionally, Joe already knows about the wedding, and his daughter (DF's cousin) is a reader.

So to those still reading, what do you think? Do we send an invite or not? Thanks for your advice!

 

[diznygirl]

So hard to take sides. On the one hand, you are angry and rightly so. But what if things change in the future and you are on speaking terms again? Hard to imagine now, but might happen. Would you regret not inviting him?

I've recently been in this situation. Luckily, I was sooo angry that I never could control my emotions long enough to write the angry letter I wanted to send. Now they are back together, and I'm glad I don't have to apologize for all the mean things I wanted to say!

I think your DFi makes a good point. It's not an easy decision, tho. Good luck.

 

[Annie68]

Sticky situation! I would probably ask my DF's Uncle over for dinner, let him know how important he is to you both....but that due to the circumstances you would rather he didn't attend the wedding. I don't think there is anyway to do it without hurting his feelings, but it's probably best to bring it up with him before the invitations are sent.

My DH's Dad was cheating on his Mom for months before finally leaving her for the other woman (who he is still married to today), it was so hard on he & his sister to see his Mom in that much pain. He said his Dad was left out of any family gatherings on his Mom's side, obviously, and never seemed to have a problem with it...he understood completely.

Good luck!

 

[mt2]

If Joe was a decent guy he would bow out gracefully. If he does plan on attending, I would tell him that his "friend" is not welcome.

Who is the blood relative? That is the person that should attend.

If they both attend, sit them far apart from one another.

Good Luck

 

[jedi_librarian]

Hmmm.. We had something similar at our wedding. My mom-in-law threatened not to come to the wedding if we invited her sister (DH's aunt). DH wasn't close to his aunt anyway, so... But there were others we invited that were "iffy" too.

Have "Betty" and your fiance's mom threatened to do that? (not come). If your fiance wants to invite "Joe" then that makes it a sticky situation. You could invite him, and when you make your seating arrangements, seat him somewhere on the opposite of the room of your aunt. Your fiance can talk to his aunt and his mom and tell him his feelings and how he feels like he's stuck in the middle.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, you do not invite a cheating spouse with his honey to your wedding. It is in poor taste and a disgusting display. And he WILL bring HER, you can count on it. Think about that!

Now if they had been divorced already then that is different, I would side with your spouse.

 

[JimB.]

Invite the cheating (& also lying) uncle??


He** NO!

Actions have consequences, one of which is the lying cheater does not get invited to the wedding.

 

[SDFgirl]

If Joe was a decent guy he would bow out gracefully. If he does plan on attending, I would tell him that his "friend" is not welcome.

Who is the blood relative? That is the person that should attend.

If they both attend, sit them far apart from one another.

Good Luck

The blood relative is Betty. She is actually my future MIL's twin sister.

There is NO way we will invite Joe "and guest"!!!!!!

I do hope that, if invited, he bows out. I *think* he would do that, out of respect for everyone involved, but we can't be sure.

 

[SDFgirl]

Have "Betty" and your fiance's mom threatened to do that? (not come). If your fiance wants to invite "Joe" then that makes it a sticky situation.

No, they are definitely coming no matter what. They're not being pushy or confrontational about it...they're just asking, because she's been so hurt and Betty wants to enjoy the happy occasion without running into the jerk. (MY words, not hers!)

 

[Tiggeroo]

Send the invite to Betty addressed to mr. and mrs. This leaves the ball in her park.

 

[barkley]

a agree with df. he does not want to be put in the middle of the situation and i think not inviting this person will set a precident that could cause problems as the marriage goes on (not nesc. with these individuals but someone who is angry with someone else could say "well you respected aunt so and so's wishes when she did'nt want so and so to come to your wedding").

i empathize with the aunt/godmother, but there will be circumstances by virtue of their having a child that will put them in social situations for the remainder of their lives.

this said, if either is the type to be publicly hostile or confrontational and could cause a scene at the wedding i would not invite that individual on that basis alone.

i might opt to not invite the person in the op because i don't beleive that he views/supports the sanctity of marriage and therefore would not be an individual for inclusion.

 

[Lyn5]

Betty and DF's mom have asked us NOT to send Joe an invite for our upcoming wedding.

Your DF is already in the middle and the choice isn't between Betty and Joe...it is between either pleasing or not pleasing his mom, IMHO. In this case, if it were me I wouldn't invite Joe, I would rather see my mom have a wonderful time and that would mean her twin sister having a nice, relaxing evening too....they won't if Joe is there, with or without guest. Everyone will be on edge watching him all night and talking about the situation...I wouldn't want my wedding to be that ackward. If they had been divorced for years it may be different, but the wound is still fresh.

 

[chris1gill]

Uh, there is no way I would invite Joe... I have a thing against cheating husbands, but that is just me....

However, it is up to your DF... does he WANT Joe there? THAT is the question, does he WANT Joe there? If he absolutely does, then I think you have to invite him MINUS "the guest", if he does not want him to attend, then don't send the invite... it is fairly simple....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your DF is already in the middle and the choice isn't between Betty and Joe...it is between either pleasing or not pleasing his mom, IMHO. In this case, if it were me I wouldn't invite Joe, I would rather see my mom have a wonderful time and that would mean her twin sister having a nice, relaxing evening too....they won't if Joe is there, with or without guest. Everyone will be on edge watching him all night and talking about the situation...I wouldn't want my wedding to be that ackward. If they had been divorced for years it may be different, but the wound is still fresh.

Bingo...Why in the heck do you want to ruin your wedding? Let me tell you as a 40yo married woman. Joe is not worth it. So what if he is "offended", big whoop. He cheating on his spouse. If "Joe" is offended that he is not invited then he is a pig and you did the right thing.

Why risk him bringing his honey to cause harm to YOUR wedding? No way in a million years would I tell someone to ruin their wedding.

 

[ReadingBelle]

We had a similar situation at our wedding, and it really blew up in our faces.

My husband's aunt had MS, and she died a few years ago. Her husband divorced her once she got sick and remarried. The ex-uncle keeps in touch with some family members, but my husbands parents didn't associate with him much after the divorce (partly because of the way he handled it, and partly just because he wasn't a part of family events anymore). When we were planning our wedding, we were trying to keep things pretty small. We invited DH's cousins (both adults now), but didn't invite the ex-uncle. We didn't think this was unreasonable, but one of the cousins (his kid) did, and she decided not to come and talked her brother out of coming too. It's caused kind of a big rift between these two branches of the family now.

Under these circumstances, it seemed reasonable to me not to invite them. Now I don't know if it was the right thing. (Any opinions?)

If you invite him, make sure he knows that his significant other isn't welcome. If you feel like you can only invite one of them, I agree that you should choose the blood relative. Good luck, and tread very carefully. I know from experience that it can be awkward and tricky.

 

[RUDisney]

My sister's SIL thought that if she divorced her husband that she'd remain a part of the family. She actually thought that they were going to side with her! She finally realized that #1 she needed to go back on her medication and #2 that the family comes with the spouse.

They made up... after he got a promotion with a big $$$. As of now, things are better. BUT, I agree that once a non-blood family member divorces a blood relative, the ties are severed with the rest of the family.... especially when he let his little head do the thinking for his whole self.

I didn't want to invite my Dad's brother to our wedding. I did it for my Dad. Later that year or early the next, "uncle" made a pass at my mother! He didn't get invited to any of my siblings weddings and he's no longer welcomed by our family at events. I only wish that my parents didn't pull the guilt card on me and that I could have left him off of our list, too. Once trouble... always trouble...

 

[horseshowmom]

I wouldn't invite him.

 

[SeaShelley]

Send the invite to Betty addressed to mr. and mrs. This leaves the ball in her park.

I don't think this is a good idea at all. What a slap in the face to Betty!

I also agree that if Joe had any class at all he wouldn't come to the wedding even if invited. Although given his track record since January, it doesn't seem that he's using the best decision making methods!!

If it were me, I would not invite him and ask DFi to call and meet with him privately about it.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Would your fiance be willing to call Uncle Joe and speak with him? I see a semi solution here. If Uncle Joe is invited to JUST the wedding and not the reception and they are seated FAR apart then he gets to see you get married, gets to see his child do the reading, and Aunt Betty doesn't have to look at him all night. Uncle Joe knows what happened. I'm sure he knows Aunt Betty is still quite angry with him. If he's any kind of man (and it sounds like he isn't actually but who knows) he'll bow out gracefully. I know it's normally tacky to invite someone to the wedding and not the reception but in this case it's warranted. This is how I'd word the phone call:

We are sending you and invitation. I'd really like you to be there, I still consider you my uncle. Because Aunt Betty is still pretty upset I'd like to ask you to please attend only the wedding. I think the reception might be too much for her and mom both. In light of that I'd also like to ask that you not bring a date. I know it seems unfair but I'd like our wedding to be a beautiful day for SDFgirl and I'm afraid I'm caught in the middle of a really volatile situation. I hope you understand.

If he can't make the phone call I'd not invite Uncle Joe. He'd know exactly why. He won't die if he doesn't see his child read and you'll have a happy and peaceful wedding. Of course, it's YOUR wedding and if he wants the Uncle there and understands the consequeces, go ahead.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Wow, that is a decision I wouldn't want to make. As humans we all make mistakes. It doesn't mean everyone should stop loving that person. Cheating is a hot button issue. I wouldn't want your future MIL and her sister to feel uncomfortable. But it is your and your DF's wedding. The decision is up to the BOTH of you. Your DF obviously still cares for Joe. It's not easy to cut someone out of your life and a life celebration that you still care about. It's your DF's feelings you need to worry about.