Wedding Invitation Wording

[Jingle]

When divorced parents of the bride are co-hosting the wedding & reception, which of the following is correct? The brides father is remarried but I, the brides mother, am not.

Should it be, Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith request......

or, should my name go first as in Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. & Mrs. Smith request.......

We all have the same last name as in the examples above. I'm going to be crazy by the time this wedding happens and it's not even a huge wedding!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Why does the stepmother's name need to be on it? And before anyone throws a fit, I'm a stepmother (and the working parent so all funds would come from me).

I think it should read:

Mrs. Jane Smith and Mr. Fred Smith invite you....

Just my 2 cents and I have no etiquette book to base this on but I am anxiously waiting to see the posts. I'm sure someone on the dis knows the correct way.

 

[bgirldeb]

Mrs. Jane Smith
and
Mr. John Smith
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
____________________
to
_______________________
son of
_______________________

 

[jel0511]

I'd go with Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. Fred Smith invite you. This way, you show you're no longer married, unless you still use the Mrs. saluation.

 

[mrsv98]

I think it depends on how long the "other" Mrs Smith has been step mom. If she was around for a long time and had a fairly big role in child rearing then I would do:

Mrs Jane Smith
and
Mr and Mrs John smith request the honor...

OTOH, if the dad remarried when the daughter was older then I would have it say:
Mrs Jane Smith or just Jane Smith
and
Mr John Smith or John Smith
request the honor...

 

[Darcy03231]

We just got one and it was worded "Mrs. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe request the honor of your presence....".

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I think it should be up to the bride & groom if step-mom is included. If they want her included then I think it should read:

Ms. Jane Smith
and
Mr. and Mrs. John Smith


As a side note when I got married (my parents are divorced) I didn't even put my mothers name on the invites. We don't get along so well, although she was invited and all, so I didn't feel the need to put her name on the invite. She didn't help with the wedding at all and it was a personal choice. Just goes to show there are a lot of options... the bride and groom should do what is best for them

 

[diznygirl]

We solved this by creative avoidance:

Jane and John
along with their parents
invite you to their wedding

 

[EthansMom]

Like a poster above, DH and I did: "Together with their parents,..."

Our parents had all been divorced and remarried and we paid for the majority of the wedding ourselves.

 

[SundancePass]

First, according to Emily Post or somebody like that, if the parents are divorced, it should read:

Mother's Name
and
Father's Name

That shows they are no longer married.

As the friend of the stepmother who was left completely off the invitation, she was completely crushed. I know it must be what the bride and groom want, but I urge the couple getting married to consider putting all the parents on the invitaion. To make matters worse it read Mrs First Name Last name and Mr. First Name Last Name on the invitation and it looked as though the parents were still married when they had been divorced for 12 years (and he's been remarried 7 and the son didn't live with him so I don't know why the stepmom isn't on the invite).

Some people don't care, and others care a bunch.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Ms. Mother
Mr. Father
if "the parents" is a phrase that is to be used on the invitation. The Step-parent is not a parent in this respect. Let's face it, there only are two parents, eh?

Now, if the phrase "the parents" is not to be used, then Ms Mother and Mr and Mrs Father-Stepmother may be used.

This is not a statement on the contributions of any "step" or non-biological parent, it's a matter of etiquette. (And I mean the principles of etiquette, not a commonly held "lets all be polite" sense of etiquette).

 

[LoraJ]

Like a poster above, DH and I did: "Together with their parents,..."

Our parents had all been divorced and remarried and we paid for the majority of the wedding ourselves.

We did "together with our families". DH's parents were divorced, re-married, one set divorced again, one deceased. It was just all a bit complicated.

 

[Nancyg56]

I would use the "together with their parents" wording. Too many ways to hurt feeling if you try to include everyone's name on the invitation.

 

[Disney Doll]

http://weddings.about.com/cs/invitations/a/invitationword.htm

 

[diznygirl]

Ms. Mother
Mr. Father
if "the parents" is a phrase that is to be used on the invitation. The Step-parent is not a parent in this respect. Let's face it, there only are two parents, eh?

Now, if the phrase "the parents" is not to be used, then Ms Mother and Mr and Mrs Father-Stepmother may be used.

This is not a statement on the contributions of any "step" or non-biological parent, it's a matter of etiquette. (And I mean the principles of etiquette, not a commonly held "lets all be polite" sense of etiquette).

Etiquette-wise, I don't know. But in today's world there are lots of "parents" and I think it's all-inclusive.

 

[NotUrsula]

To make matters worse it read Mrs First Name Last name and Mr. First Name Last Name on the invitation and it looked as though the parents were still married when they had been divorced for 12 years (and he's been remarried 7 and the son didn't live with him so I don't know why the stepmom isn't on the invite).

Technically, this form is correct for a divorcee. I learned about this because my mother was forced for credit reporting reasons to use it when she was a widow, and it teed her off no end, because she did not like being mistaken for a divorcee.

The traditional social form is that a divorced woman keeps Mrs. and her married last name, but stops using her ex-husbands FIRST name in favor of her own first name. So ...

Mrs. John Smith is a married woman or a widow.

Mrs. Jane Smith is a divorcee.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

As to the OP's question, I'd solve it by having the bride and groom issue the invitations, as opposed to their parents. Neatly avoids the entire conflict.

 

[bumbershoot]

From Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, 4th Edition, helped along by Peggy Post.

Which I bought for just these stepfamily sorts of reasons. First wedding purchase I made!


Traditional wording...For the bride and groom who cherish long-standing traditions, conventional wording and spelling will govern their invitation choices.


goes on to...

When divorced parents give the wedding together

In the event that relations between the bride's divorced parents (one or both of whome may have remarried) are so friendly that they share the wedding expenses and act as co-hosts, both sets of names should appear on the invitation. The bride's mother's name appears first:

Mr and Mrs Shelby Goldring
and
Mr Michael Levy
request the ........



If, however, the bride's parents are not sharing expenses, yet the bride wishes both aprents' names to appear, a different situation exists. If the bride's mother is not contributing to the cost of the wedding, the bride's father's name appears first on the invitation, and he and his wife host the reception. The bride's mother is then included only as an honored guest at the reception.




I got this book b/c I was inviting long-time friends of my mom, who hate my dad, but my dad was paying for my wedding. My mom had died before I eve met my now-husband. I wanted to do things "properly" so I had something "behind me" when my mom's friends confronted me, if they would do so. I'm an informal person normally, but I knew this was going to bring weird things up, and I didn't want to be "alone".

And while they didn't confront me, some didn't come, because I had the gall to put my dad and stepmom as the hosts, but since they WERE the hosts, I still feel I did the right thing. To have put that hubby and I were inviting people to a wedding we planned by didn't pay for...just didn't feel right to us, though MANY people do that nowadays so as to not hurt feelings. To me, if you're not paying for it, you shouldn't have your feelings hurt unless you talk to me about it well beforehand (my stepdad, it turns out, felt that his generous gift when we were engaged had paid for space on the invite, but he never TOLD me that, LOL).



so anyway, since you're co-hosting, per the Posts (unless you want to just let the kids "send" the invites without your names on them), you as the mom would go first, then and the dad's name, and the stepmom could go there if everyone wants her there. For me my stepmom being on the invite was a given, as she's been my stepmom since I was around 7, and she was the one working and therefore paying for it, LOL. I did have it written as "Mr and Mrs B invite you to the wedding of his daughter", because otherwise it would have felt like my stepmom was my mom, and even though she IS my only mom now, she wasn't always, so I couldn't include her in "being" my parent on the invite.

 

[Jingle]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm going to have my daughter & soon to be son-in-law read this thread tonight and then let them decide what to do.

Both her dad and I are paying for the wedding & reception. However, he is being kind of insistent that his name and his current wifes name go before mine and is putting pressure on our daughter to do so. He says that's the proper way to do it. My ex can be difficult to deal with. However, I would be insulted if the step mother's name came before mine on the invitation. She is his 4th wife and didn't have anything to do with raising my daughter, and I've been the custodial parent since 1990.

This wedding planning can get stressful! I just have to keep things in perspective.

 

[bumbershoot]

To make matters worse it read Mrs First Name Last name and Mr. First Name Last Name on the invitation and it looked as though the parents were still married when they had been divorced for 12 years (and he's been remarried 7 and the son didn't live with him so I don't know why the stepmom isn't on the invite).

So they were on the same line? Putting them on different lines on the invite is the way to show that they aren't together, though they are hosting together. If they put them on the same line then they were wrong, proper-etiquette-wise. Actually, if they actually wrote out Mrs Mary Smith and Mr John Smith on the same line, that's NOT indicating that they were still married, though it looks a bit weird. The best way would be:

Mrs Mary Smith
and
Mr John Smith

But writing it all out like you've indicated isn't as big a blow as if they'd written Mr and Mrs John Smith, which absolutely WOULD have indicated that they were still married.


Some divorced women go by Mrs still. Some don't. I don't even go by Mrs now, and I'm married! Let's hope DS goes for just inviting people on his own when he gets married or the invite will look like a feminist manifesto...it'll be especially strange if hubby hyphenates to DS's combined last name (as he wants to do)! I'll be just Ms B and they'll have their long hyphenated names...I'll be all alone.

 

[bumbershoot]

However, he is being kind of insistent that his name and his current wifes name go before mine and is putting pressure on our daughter to do so. He says that's the proper way to do it.

It's absolutely NOT. He's not in the right. He can look at any Emily Post book he wants to. The mother gets that honor. (or honour, if it's a church wedding)