Wedding guests

[nsmith]

I have been in a bookclub for over 10 years. In all these years we have had 2 events where the husbands were invited. The men do not know each other.
My hypothetical questions is: Would you invite just the lady friends to a wedding reception and not their husbands? We live on the east coast and receptions cost at least $100 per person.

 

[wishesuponastar]

In that circumstance where you meet with just the ladies, I would not hesitate to invite just the ladies but only if they could all be at one table.

 

[clh2]

My opinion - feel free to invite me...but I'm not coming without my husband - so I would decline the invite.

In this case - I would see if there was interest in any other book club ladies to see if they wanted to go in on a group gift -i.e. if any others were not attending either.

 

[trinchick]

I definitely see where you're coming from, but I think I'd have to make the decision to either invite the book club ladies with husbands or leave the book club friends off the list altogether.

I think weddings are a social occasion where spouses should always be invited.

 

[Alexle2007]

I am in the invite the hubby camp. I know when I got married, I invited several co-workers I was close to but had never met their spouses but, of course, both were invited. When the music starts, who will that poor lady have to dance with?

 

[Ed J]

No plus 1's.

I'll chime in for the guys and say thanks for thinking of us (sincerely) and not making us go when we could be watching sports, playing sports or just laying on the couch scratching our-self's instead of going to a wedding of someone we don't know.

No wonder someone proposed to you, you sound like a real catch .

 

[kymom99]

I think that is becoming more common practice in recent years. I was invited to a wedding where my husband was not invited. I am sure he was happy to not go, since he didn't know the bride or groom. There was one other married lady invited that I knew so they sat us together at a table with some others we knew from work. When space is limited, you have to limit who you can invite. I'm sure the book club gals will have fun together and women don't need a man to dance.

 

[Go19GoLauren]

Probably not what you want to hear but - not only would I never invite someone to a wedding without including their spouse, I wouldn't invite any single people over 18 without including a 'plus 1'. Especially someone who wasn't family and would be unlikely to know most of the people there. If they want to attend without their spouse that's great but it should be up to them if they are comfortable attending alone.

 

[crisi]

It would be a breach of traditional etiquette to not invite spouses to a wedding. You may or may not care.

I'd talk to the ladies myself. "I'm inviting your husbands because its a wedding and it would seem odd if I didn't, but if they don't want to come, you would probably have more fun by yourselves anyway." My guess is the the ladies from bookclub will be HAPPY to pass that on to their husbands, and any husbands that even find out that they were invited will be HAPPY to pass.

If your bookclub is like mine, this "confession" made after the first or second glass of wine will have all the desired results. (My bookclub, about half the husbands would come, half wouldn't - most of them do know each other and some it would be very odd if they weren't invited - but some really don't know any of the men, and others are really shy).

 

[Poohforyou]

It would be a breach of traditional etiquette to not invite spouses to a wedding. You may or may not care.

I'd talk to the ladies myself. "I'm inviting your husbands because its a wedding and it would seem odd if I didn't, but if they don't want to come, you would probably have more fun by yourselves anyway." My guess is the the ladies from bookclub will be HAPPY to pass that on to their husbands, and any husbands that even find out that they were invited will be HAPPY to pass.

If your bookclub is like mine, this "confession" made after the first or second glass of wine will have all the desired results. (My bookclub, about half the husbands would come, half wouldn't - most of them do know each other and some it would be very odd if they weren't invited - but some really don't know any of the men, and others are really shy).

I would do something like this as well. They're your friends. Be open and honest and see what happens. I'd add that you're also inviting their husbands because you want your guests to enjoy themselves.

For what it's worth my dh and I have been invited to a lot of things as a couple where one or the other didn't know the host/hostess. Yours isn't a unique situation.

 

[purplegirl1818]

As a current bride, all the threads/posts I've seen about this say to invite the husbands. It's generally accepted to not allow plus 1 to guests that are anywhere before the engaged stage of their relationship for "budget friendly" weddings.

In the end, if it's your wedding, it's your decision - but I'm not sure those ladies would be pleased.

Good luck!

 

[purplegirl1818]

I'd talk to the ladies myself. "I'm inviting your husbands because its a wedding and it would seem odd if I didn't, but if they don't want to come, you would probably have more fun by yourselves anyway." My guess is the the ladies from bookclub will be HAPPY to pass that on to their husbands, and any husbands that even find out that they were invited will be HAPPY to pass.

I didn't see this before my first post! I'd agree with this! I actually had to do this with my maid of honor's boyfriend. Our original plans didn't allow room for him, so I sat down and talked with them both. Turns out, he's thrilled to not have to go (and neither of us has offended the other).

 

[LJSquishy]

I always invite spouses (and significant others) to any event. To me, it's proper etiquette.

With that said, I understand how expensive it can be if everyone's +1 attends.

Personally, if I were invited to a wedding but my husband wasn't, I would decline to attend. I wouldn't decline because I couldn't believe you didn't invite my spouse, but I would decline because I don't want to go without my husband and best friend. Either way I wouldn't be offended, but I wouldn't attend without my spouse.

 

[JanaDee]

I have been in a bookclub for over 10 years. In all these years we have had 2 events where the husbands were invited. The men do not know each other.
My hypothetical questions is: Would you invite just the lady friends to a wedding reception and not their husbands? We live on the east coast and receptions cost at least $100 per person.

You could invite just me, but I wouldn't be attending without my spouse.

 

[wiigirl]

My opinion - feel free to invite me...but I'm not coming without my husband - so I would decline the invite.

In this case - I would see if there was interest in any other book club ladies to see if they wanted to go in on a group gift -i.e. if any others were not attending either.

 

[bumbershoot]

You're in an area where there are STRONG traditions. Like guests estimating what you've paid for them and trying to match that with your gift. Things like that. So YOU would be the best to figure out if inviting just one of a married couple will be looked upon kindly by those in your area.

I definitely see where you're coming from, but I think I'd have to make the decision to either invite the book club ladies with husbands or leave the book club friends off the list altogether.

I think weddings are a social occasion where spouses should always be invited.

I agree.

And that's what we did. You and your significant other got invited or neither of you got invited. And we did our absolute best to find out the names of your sig o and your children so that everyone could feel welcomed and wanted by us. Even if we've never met them.

No plus 1's.

I'll chime in for the guys and say thanks for thinking of us (sincerely) and not making us go when we could be watching sports, playing sports or just laying on the couch scratching our-self's instead of going to a wedding of someone we don't know.

No wonder someone proposed to you, you sound like a real catch .

You speak for yourself and probably some men, but not all. In our family DH is the wedding-freak, and he has been absolutely saddened to be left off of invitations.

You see it as "yay". Others see it as "you don't matter, you don't count, we don't want you here".

If the invited couple makes a decision to only have one go, that's up to them. Just being invited doesn't make you go if you don't want to.

 

[verleniahall]

You could invite just me, but I wouldn't be attending without my spouse.

Agreed

 

[kollerbear]

I do think you can't invite them without including their husbands according to good etiquette. Proper etiquette is very clear on that, I think.

However, I think that a lot of people understand how expensive weddings are and aren't offended to be excluded. Disappointed, maybe, but not offended.

I have no idea how close you are with these ladies, but there may theoretically be another option. 1) If you REALLY love these ladies and really want them to be there and 2) you are GENUINELY having a relatively small wedding (can't pull this and then have a 200+ person affair), what you could do is say to them in a group that you would really love to invite them because you see them every week and they're a big part of your life, but you genuinely don't have very much room left-- is there any chance they'd be willing to come without their husbands? This is a really gauche thing to do, but depending on your social circle I think that it could theoretically be OK, especially if you ask them in a group.

They'll probably be touched that you want to include them and sensitive to the position you're in. More likely than not, they'll say that they'll have a good time as a group--if you guys are really close. It puts them in a tough position to say "no", and then all they'll do is just say they can't make it if personally they are uncomfortable. But at least you've framed what you're about to do and gave them to courtesy of telling them about it ahead of time.

Only you can know if people would be offended by that kind of up-frontness or not. If they would be offended by asking in that manner, then they would most certainly be a little taken aback by receiving a one-person invite in the mail and it would be best to just leave them out entirely.

 

[AquaDame]

We broke a good number of traditions for our wedding, but not inviting spouses was not one of them. As others have said, its just not as much fun without your spouse there to spend time with and use the opportunity to introduce him to everyone. A lot of people don't like doing things 'alone'. When we were figuring out the guest list we cut based on couples (whole families if they had kids) not individuals, with that in mind.

 

[doobie11]

I sort of understand the "I'm not coming without my spouse" thing, but not really. If I was friends with someone, and my husband didn't know them, neither of us would be upset if he wasn't invited to their wedding. And I would definitely go. I can totally understand the budget aspect. I don't see why someone should have to cut the guest list and not invite someone they wanted to, just to make room for the unknown spouse of a friend. If your friends are close to you, I'm sure they would understand.
Why can't people have fun without their spouse? Or, I guess, why WON'T they? It could be a bit of a ladies night out (with that group of friends). some drinking and dancing. Sounds like fun to me!