Wedding guest lists

[SeaShelley]

Now when I had my wedding.....18 years ago....we had a guest list. One decent sized guest list with about 180 people on it. We knew that the restaurant held 175 - so that's what we went with.

Fast forward to today. In the last two months, my husband and I have been invited to two weddings where we have clearly been on guest list number two or three. We weren't part of the first mailing of invites, but when some negative RSVP's start rolling in they can then go to list two or three and start inviting them. I mean it's kind of insulting when you get an invite with an RSVP date of less than a week or one that has already passed.

Is this normal practice now-a-days ? Did I miss something in the etiquette book ?

It's not a big deal, but it just struck me odd...."Well, you weren't good enought for the first round of invites, but since Mr. & Mrs. So & So can't make it perhaps you'd like to come?"

Things that make you go "Mmmmm"....

 

[C.Ann]

Must be a new concept.. I've never heard of it before..

 

[akhenaten]

married 20 years ago..and we had no secondary list....

seems rude....

 

[tink_n_pooh]

It's pretty common actually. I just got married last year and we had our 'dream' guest list - everyone we would invite if space and money were no issue. And then we had our actual guest list which was about 185 people or so. When we got back a certain number of 'no' responses we sent out a few 'B' list invites. We were paying for at least 165 people if they were there or not. Most people (around here) have a minium they have to have to secure the price and venue, etc. so if they fall under that number they break out the 'B' list

Proper planning would have had a second set of responses with different dates, or they would have at least sent out the first round of invites early enough to be able to send B listers without making it that obvious.

 

[shirleyb]

This happened to us last year. We decided we were not even on the B list, but probably the C list! We got our invite about 2 weeks AFTER the RSVP date had passed.

PS And yes, it is rude!

 

[JimmyPicker]

People are doing this nowadays. Not myself, personally, as I think it's an insult.

We have a wedding to go to in October. My husband and his cousin (the groom) were talking about the wedding and who was invited and we found out they have a B list. We're on the A list, so we got an immediate invite, but there would be a second set of invites going out after the RSVP's started coming in.

I had never heard of this before. My guess is that the couple wants to invite more people than the church or reception hall can hold.

 

[ec1014]

It is very common. I work in sales for a large catering facility so this is right up my alley.

Many brides will now have an "a" and "b" list for their invites. Our facility, like many others, has a strict minimum policy. So if brides are on the edge of a min number, they will invite off the "b" list to fill in

Our place has a 200 person min for a Saturday night. Brides first list is 210, lets say. No matter what she has to pay for 200. RSVP come in and she is sitting at 190. She will invite 10 more from the 2nd list.

Happens all the time

 

[akhenaten]

It's pretty common actually. I just got married last year and we had our 'dream' guest list - everyone we would invite if space and money were no issue. And then we had our actual guest list which was about 185 people or so. When we got back a certain number of 'no' responses we sent out a few 'B' list invites. We were paying for at least 165 people if they were there or not. Most people (around here) have a minium they have to have to secure the price and venue, etc. so if they fall under that number they break out the 'B' list

Proper planning would have had a second set of responses with different dates, or they would have at least sent out the first round of invites early enough to be able to send B listers without making it that obvious.

we invited about 125 but only guaranteed 50 to the hall... LOL

 

[oliviansmom17]

We just experienced this- the bride and groom sent out invites and when they didn't get enough responses, the groom just started calling people up: "Hey we're getting married on Saturday the ..th, we wanted to know if you wanted to come." The worst part was that he explained to the 2nd's that they were 2nd's...

Crazy tacky.

 

[Todd&Copper]

It's not just that people are doing this nowadays, some people have done this for quite some time. My mom remembers people having "B" lists of wedding guests back in the 1950's and 60's. If you had to sign a contract for a venue tha holds 150 people and only 120 commit to coming, some may want to fill those empty seats rather than have them go to waste.

I personally did not have a "B" list, since our venue only held 80 or so guests and we were really struggling to come up with 85 invitees. DH's family is relatively small, as is my dad's, and my mom has tons of cousins. We decided to not invite all of mom's cousins, b/c if we did the gues list would have been closer to 150 and we couldn't have had the location we really wanted (and we kind of thought that inviting all of these second cousins that I didn't know well at all would look like a major gift grab).

 

[SeaShelley]

WOW - thanks for the replies.

Suffice to say that we didn't go out of our way to rearrange our schedules for these weddings. We could have done it, but knowing that we were "second best" left a bad taste in our mouths.

ec1014 - what happend to just paying for the number of guests that you have plus a room charge ? Does the 200 min include dinner ? I had no idea that some larger facilities did it that way ! Can you tell it's been a while since I had a big fancy party ??? Thanks for the info though !

 

[RadioNate]

This happened to us last year. We decided we were not even on the B list, but probably the C list! We got our invite about 2 weeks AFTER the RSVP date had passed.

PS And yes, it is rude!

We got on 3 days before the actual wedding. It was in Colorado, we live in Florida....no we weren' F list or anything like that!

What was even worse was an included note telling us that cash was an acceptable gift. Yeah, I threw the entire thing in the trash.

 

[ec1014]

Our place is one of the top ones in the area, so we can hold to our minimums in season (April thru October)

So on a Saturday you have to contract for 200 people. If you show up with 150, no difference to us. We charge you for 200. There is no "to go" food or anything like that.

But the demand is huge so we can do it. No lie, there is already very very limited dates for 2009 for us. All the good dates are gone and there is nothing from May thru late August.

So brides sort of run with two invite lists since they have to pay for the guests anyway. I understand the tacky comments though. Personally if it was me, I would pick a Friday or Sunday where minimums drop and not do that to my family/friends.

 

[akhenaten]

Our place is one of the top ones in the area, so we can hold to our minimums in season (April thru October)

So on a Saturday you have to contract for 200 people. If you show up with 150, no difference to us. We charge you for 200. There is no "to go" food or anything like that.

But the demand is huge so we can do it. No lie, there is already very very limited dates for 2009 for us. All the good dates are gone and there is nothing from May thru late August.

So brides sort of run with two invite lists since they have to pay for the guests anyway. I understand the tacky comments though. Personally if it was me, I would pick a Friday or Sunday where minimums drop and not do that to my family/friends.

I can understand that...but that is the room minimum....they can hold more correct? So you invite a few more , expecting that some can't come....
If I could not afford to just pay for the minimum, then I would choose a diffferent venue or the alternate days you mentioned...
I would not consider having multiple lists ........

 

[CapeCodTenor]

I think it's rude. When DW and I got married 3 1/2 years ago we had one very long list and got it down to who we really wanted. If there were people who said no, which there was, we never even considered going to the big list to invite others. I would consider that an insult if I got an invite after the RSVP date. That would tell me that I wasn't good enough for the A-list.

 

[ilisao]

I think it's absolutely tacky. When we got married we invited who we wanted to invite - and it was still a bit less than the room could hold. Final numbers had to be in a few days before. And if people couldn't come, we didn't fill in their space. We didn't feel our wedding was a popularity contest where we needed to show people just how many guests we could have. And that's how "B" lists appear. How freaking rude and insulting.

DH and I have been on someone's "B" list. Needless to say, we didn't go to the wedding. We also received an invitation to a wedding (his cousin) which said since space was limited, it was actually on a first-come first-serve basis so get your RSVPs in soon!! We declined that one as well.

 

[akhenaten]

We also received an invitation to a wedding (his cousin) which said since space was limited, it was actually on a first-come first-serve basis so get your RSVPs in soon!! We declined that one as well.

OMG I never heard of anything like that!! That is just too much!!!
Maybe when my dd gets married we will hold a lottery!!

 

[oliviansmom17]

One way or another, everyone kind of has a "B" list...either consciously or subconsciously..the problem lies in not taking any added steps to insure "b's" don't become insulted. If a b&g take the time, they can figure out ways so that "b's" won't find out.

 

[C.Ann]

After reading the reasoning behind this, I think it's tacky - and I wouldn't attend.. I know for a fact that we paid for more people than who actually attended my DD's wedding and it didn't bother us in the least.. I she/he would have been mortified at the suggestion of having a "B" list!

 

[mickeyboat]

Tacky tacky tacky! It's nothing more than a gift grab.