Wedding gift?

mjkacmom

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Well I'm downstate and close enough to NYC where the people here feel they need to live like the city people.
However my comment was directed at the pp above who mentioned upstate and those who mentioned Northeast (which includes the whole state of NY).
I’ve always been under the impression that big money for weddings was in a smaller geographical area (which is why I can’t understand why folks get put off by it, it’s very small). https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_metropolitan_area
 

Toolulu22

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 22, 2015
Thanks for all the input everyone! I was thinking old school since back in the day it was expected to “pay for your plate” however I’ve read that is thankfully no longer a thing.

I’m thinking we might be ok to give between $100-150 I don’t want to be cheap but I also,feel like I don’t really know them so I don’t feel the need to give more if that makes sense
In hindsight we should have declined the invite and just sent a small gift
We went to a similar type wedding two years ago- a distant relative of my husband’s in NY (Long Island). We’d never met the bride and the cousin and his mother were always absent from family events, so we very rarely saw them. However, my husband liked the cousin and we felt as though we wanted to go to support them (no one else was going except my MIL).

The venue was nice, but not over the top and we had no idea how much to give in light of that and the fact that we were not close. We decided to purchase a personalized photo frame from Personalization Mall with their names and wedding date- it think it was about $50. Someone had given one to us as a gift and we love it. Additionally, my husband gave them a cash give of maybe $150.

When we were married four years ago we got a range from actual gifts (yes, some New Yorkers give presents instead of money) to very generous monetary gifts from relatives. It varied greatly by person/couple. I just felt that I wasn’t inviting people in order to receive gifts from them, but for them to share our day. What they gave, they gave- it was gravy.

When I give, I take into account (1) my relationship with the couple, (2) the venue/cost of the wedding, and (3) my cash flow.
 

MikeNamez

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jun 21, 2017
I'm getting married next week in the MA and I don't expect anybody to give me any gift at all. Their presence is enough, so i wouldn't worry too much about what you are giving. Give what you can or buy what you can, it shouldn't make a difference to the bride/groom.
 
  • bluehen

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Jun 28, 2007
    I have always lived by the premise that the gift should be in the range of the dinner bill. In our area that is not cheap.
     

    AnnaS

    DIS Sponsoor/Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 7, 2001
    If one is really not that close to the couple getting married/barely sees them/no Christmas cards sent between the parties, etc. etc. - one, they should not have been invited in the first place and two, as a guest, I would not feel bad saying no to the invite. Not going for a free/almost free meal. Why would I go? It would still cost me money.......a dress, hair done, maybe a sitter, etc. etc. No.......if we are not close enough - no need to be invited.

    Northeast here also. People or some people/family members do try to "cover the plate" but I think that mentality has gone out the window too because wedding costs a ton of money/out of control and one cannot expect someone else to cover their expensive choices/wedding, etc.

    I still would not attend a wedding here and give less than $300. This is what it is here. Gifts are for bridal showers and money is for weddings. I respect and understand that it's not the same everywhere. Example, we (and not just hubby and I, more or less people where I am from) give $100 for graduation in a backyard (family). Maybe $50 for a birthday - at the house.

    At the end of the day, even if you are a close member of the couple, one gives what they can afford.

    If I was not attending for whatever reason - I would send $50 - $100.

    Have fun!
     

    scrapquitler

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 15, 2007
    It sounds like the OP is here in Jersey, we don’t give actual wedding gifts here.
    I'm in CT, and that's the case here, too. Gifts from the registry are for the bridal shower. Wedding gifts are cash. We usually give $150-$250 depending on our relationship to the bride and groom
     

    Tys Nanny

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jun 26, 2013
    I keep hearing about “covering your plate” not being done any more. In my experience (all of it in the NY/NJ metropolitan area), it was only a “thing” in certain circles. It was never done in my family and most of my friends’. I never got the logic behind it. I had two nephews, both of whom I loved. One married a woman whose father was an investment banker who paid for their very luxurious wedding. His wedding was the first at which I saw a Viennese table. His brother married a woman who had been raised by a single mother. He and his wife paid for their wedding, at a much less expensive venue. The idea that we would have given one brother more than the other simply because their wedding cost more made absolutely no sense to me.
     
  • Pooh2

    Dis Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 2, 2011
    I take into consideration how close I am to the couple.
    I do not take into consideration how expensive the venue is.

    One of my nephews had a very extravagant wedding, another nephew had a simple backyard affair. They both got the same amount of cash from us.

    For those of you saying you "cover your plate", do you actually inquire how much your plate is?? That would be considered extremely rude in my circle!
     

    mjkacmom

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 20, 2006
    I take into consideration how close I am to the couple.
    I do not take into consideration how expensive the venue is.

    One of my nephews had a very extravagant wedding, another nephew had a simple backyard affair. They both got the same amount of cash from us.

    For those of you saying you "cover your plate", do you actually inquire how much your plate is?? That would be considered extremely rude in my circle!
    Of course not! And it’s not exactly cover your plate, I’d give both nephews the same. An average wedding gift for a couple would be $300 in my area. I’d give more to my nephew, probably $500, even if the wedding venue was only $100 a plate. I might give $250 to a co-worker I’m not that close to, even if it was $200 a plate. Having lived here for 50 years, I’m pretty familiar with different venues and areas. DH has family in western Massachusetts, they gave us gifts, which were just as appreciated as checks (actually a little more, they drove several hours and had to pay for a hotel).

    No one would ever ask how much the wedding cost, talking financials is pretty taboo.
     

    PlainJane

    <font color=teal>It was wonderful both times<br><f
    Joined
    Dec 25, 2005
    I had a small wedding that my husband and I could afford and just appreciated the gifts we received, I didn’t give any thought to if someone’s gift paid for their plate. I think we did end up “ahead” because of one person’s generosity, but it was not expected or required.

    I’m from the south, so we can give a nice gift from the registry (or multiple if it makes sense) and move on with our lives. My close friends also had their weddings paid for by their parents, so if anything I should be cutting their mom and dad a check, but again it’s thankfully not like that here.

    I hope you have fun OP! Jersey weddings do sound like they are quite something to attend.
     
  • angierae

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Mar 4, 2010
    I am from Michigan and I never heard of "cover your plate" until I started reading these threads on the Dis 10-12 years ago. I have no idea how much someone spent on their wedding, and it's none of my business. I give what I can.

    And I'll also say that when I got married, I did not pay attention to how much money anyone gave us. We opened the cards, I wrote a thank you note, we took all the checks to the bank. Some people gave us a great deal of money. Other friends bought us a set of four glasses from IKEA I know cost less than $20, but that's what they could afford.

    I wouldn't have been offended if none of them gave us anything. I didn't hold a wedding to get my money back for it. I held a wedding to celebrate my marriage with my friends and family.
     

    AlohaNow

    Just keep swimming...
    Joined
    Oct 19, 2008
    I keep hearing about “covering your plate” not being done any more. In my experience (all of it in the NY/NJ metropolitan area), it was only a “thing” in certain circles.
    Old Sicilian ladies in our case!
     

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