Wedding gift for a couple that has everything already... Please help.

[LovesTimone]

Some friends are getting married after living together for 19 years, but just recently decided to tie the knot.. These friends are not even what I would call close friends, but we do socialize with them.

So they are going all out, Huge wedding and reception, followed by a after party.. Soooo all out.

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So with all that... I just looked at their wedding registry... The picture frames are over 100.00 dollars for a 5x7, A vase that is 450.00 dollars and then I noticed another link to their honeymoon were you can gift money for couples massages, golf and private dinners and so forth...

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

 

[jevs]

for my friends wedding earlier in the year I gave them a Bunnings gift card (Bunnings is a huge hardware/garden centre), it was well received.

 

[pat fan]

Did they register anywhere? After 19 years they may want new china or something
Otherwise I'd go with something for the honeymoon (ie: if it's a cruise maybe shipboard credit or something), something "special" they both like (coffee of the month for a year, tickets to a Broadway show etc...).
Good luck!

 

[Dawnlight]

Ugh, that would be a wedding I'd be hesitant to attend. I don't think it's tasteless to go in on a gift with others. I think it's tasteless that their wish-list is priced so high! I'd probably just go the easiest route and write a check.

 

[Malibustyle23]

First of all only because of the tone of your post and you also adding that they aren't even close friends I want to make it clear that you can say NO to things. You don't have to go to everything which sounds like an inconvenience to you and you don't even have to give a reason of why not.

With that being said as long as you all are contributing the same amount to the joint gift as you would to a lone gift I think it's fine. If you aren't then just give money from yourself.

 

[pat fan]

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So with all that... I just looked at their wedding registry... The picture frames are over 100.00 dollars for a 5x7, A vase that is 450.00 dollars and then I noticed another link to their honeymoon were you can gift money for couples massages, golf and private dinners and so forth...

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

Was your OP edited? I didn't see any of this when I replied.

In light of this new info, no, I don't think it's tasteless to go in on a present.

 

[Aliceacc]

I think I would simply not shop off the registry. It's a gift-- give them what YOU want to give them, at a price point that you're comfortable with.

Are they planning a honeymoon? Could you get them something travel related? Or something particularly useful at their destination?

 

[gwynne]

Some friends are getting married after living together for 19 years, but just recently decided to tie the knot.. These friends are not even what I would call close friends, but we do socialize with them.

So they are going all out, Huge wedding and reception, followed by a after party.. Soooo all out.

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So with all that... I just looked at their wedding registry... The picture frames are over 100.00 dollars for a 5x7, A vase that is 450.00 dollars and then I noticed another link to their honeymoon were you can gift money for couples massages, golf and private dinners and so forth...

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

Not to be cynical, but it sounds like your friends figured out a way to add some expensive things to the home, have a great party and a first class vacay. I mean, it's been 19 years...guess it's their turn at the gift-o-matic.
I think you should do whatever you like. Going in on a gift is fine.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

By including only expensive things on the registry, do you think they could they be encouraging guests to give cash without blatantly asking for cash? If these people aren't close friends as you mentioned, I think giving a joint gift is perfectly fine. I'd either do that or just give them money if you choose to attend the wedding.

I'd also like to second the PP who said it's okay to say no things. Two showers, a bridal tea and bachelorette party (with a photo shoot?) seems like a bit much if you're not very close to this couple.

 

[piccolopat]

Seems strange that there are multiple showers for a couple who has been together so long. If you aren't in the wedding party I don't know why you would be a part of the bachelorette party. After all this there is also a bridal tea? Just sounds like too much of a money grab IMHO. Since you aren't close why not decline some events and buy the frame?

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Some friends are getting married after living together for 19 years, but just recently decided to tie the knot.. These friends are not even what I would call close friends, but we do socialize with them.

So they are going all out, Huge wedding and reception, followed by a after party.. Soooo all out.

So far we have been invited to the couples shower, DH the bachelor party, I have been invited to another bridal shower and Bridal Tea and the bachelorette party. Which the bridal Tea requires me to get a long dress and matching wide brimmed hat and the bachelorette party is a weekend getaway and we all need a white outfit for the photo shoot, that is going to be taken at the beach...

So with all that... I just looked at their wedding registry... The picture frames are over 100.00 dollars for a 5x7, A vase that is 450.00 dollars and then I noticed another link to their honeymoon were you can gift money for couples massages, golf and private dinners and so forth...

So while having lunch with 2 others ladies that are invited they asked if we wanted to go in with them on a wedding gift... Would this be terribly tasteless?

Nope, go for it.
Or get them something else. Movie tickets, and a gift card for dinner out. A couple bottles of good wine.

When DH and I married, we had been together for 7 years, and had combined two complete households. We didn't get a registry or ask for anything. We got some money from some friends; a group of DH's coworkers got us some very nice champagne flutes, a bottle of Dom Perignon (yes!!!), and a silver bucket.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Cash. I always give cash for weddings.

I think after 19 years they are going all out. I'm sure they've given their fair share of shower and wedding gifts along with attending bachelor and bachelorette parties in the past 19 years to the same people they are inviting. I have no problem with someone throwing all of this. I think the multiple showers are a bit much but I have no issues saying no to things. A friend of mine had a bridal shower and then a lingerie shower. I only attended the bridal shower. I thought it was asking for too much.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I'd just give them a card with money and not go in on a gift with other people. We typically give a set amount of money to family and friends as wedding gifts.

 

[ronandannette]

Seems strange that there are multiple showers for a couple who has been together so long. If you aren't in the wedding party I don't know why you would be a part of the bachelorette party. After all this there is also a bridal tea? Just sounds like too much of a money grab IMHO. Since you aren't close why not decline some events and buy the frame?

Agree. I'd be going to one shower and giving a gift card to the place they registered for that, and going to the wedding and contributing a reasonable (whatever seems appropriate to you) amount to the honeymoon fund for that. All those events don't even sound fun to me and I'd have NO PROBLEM declining. Why are you going to all of them, OP? Do you feel obligated just because you've been asked or is it because your entire "circle" is going and you don't want to feel left out? Given the way you describe your relationship with the couple as being so casual, I'm surprised you were invited - are the guest-lists just huge for everything? Oh, and NO WAY would I be buying a special costume for a tea party - just no way.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Ugh. DH and I are invited to a wedding this weekend for a couple in a similar situation. She has an 18 year old and they have a 9 year old together, they own a house, have lived together since the oldest was a young child, and now they have decided that it is a great time to have the whole shebang. Bachelorette party, bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, showers, wedding and reception, registry - the works.

I would say no this this, except for it's DH's cousin and all of DH's siblings are coming in from out of town for it - one sister is staying with us - so we are kind of obligated to go.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that by the time you are living in the same house - WITH KIDS - for a decade already, it's a little silly to go through all of the hoopla of a big family wedding. If you have always dreamed about the white dress....cutting the cake....dancing to the first dance....etc, by all means, go find a beach or a pretty gazebo in a park and go for it! But expecting showers, parties, and expensive gifts from your family and friends goes a little too far, IMO. I'm not opposed to people living together before marriage - heck, DH and I bought our first house about 18 months before we got married (we were engaged). But a decade (or more) later? by 10 years in, I learned my lesson and could only dream about what that $15,000 I spent on ONE day could have done for us instead!

Oh well...to each their own. I know...I know....nobody is "forcing" people to attend....people are entitled to get married any way they want and do it the way they want and spend their own money however they want to....etc, etc, etc.

Sigh.

 

[HM]

I find it really interesting that you and your DH aren't close friends with the couple, yet you're both invited to the bachelor/bachelorette parties and the bridal tea. Those things are not usually for other than those in the bridal party (and family). I'd have declined all but the wedding/reception.

But it sounds like you're already in on all the events....so you'll just have to go with what you can. I can tell you, you can find a white dress for less than $50 easily right now (my sorority just had our national convention and we all had to wear white one day) and I'd be scanning the consignment shops or Goodwill for the hat. I also recently bought a long dress at Kohls for $80 but saw plenty of others at Belks that were not too expensive.

I'd definitely go in with the others on a gift.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I think just because someone chooses to do something "backwards" and not in line with someone else's views doesn't mean they don't get to have their experience or memories.

I think having any kind of wedding they want to pay for is up to them. Be it a big affair or 5 people on the beach. They deserve to celebrate their event anyway they see fit. Along with that, one shower and the bachelor/bachelorette parties. If someone feels it's out of line they can RSVP no.

My SO's two cousins are getting married. Both have lived with their partner for 2-3 years each. Neither is registering for anything so that means all cash gifts IMO. Easier for me! One had a bridal shower and the bachelor/bachelorette parties. The other did an engagement party, will be having a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties and it's a destination wedding.

 

[RedAngie]

I'd RSVP my regrets to all the other events. Give a gift card or cash in an amount you feel appropriate.

 

[GaryDis]

I think the whole set of events is tasteless. When DH and I got married after 20 years, it was just him, me, and the JP at home. We didn't even send out formal announcements. And we had a legitimate excuse outside our control for taking so long.

I'd just give a gift card in an amount I felt comfortable with, and at most attend the wedding.

 

[Poohforyou]

Honestly, I'd have some big family commitments at the same time as all those events. After 19 years the ship has sailed to have such a huge deal like that unless the couple is footing the bill for everyone. Actually, a wedding that extravagant is tacky for anyone unless the hosts are paying for everything (ie long dress, white outfit, etc)