Wedding gift etiquette- destination wedding?

[ibela]

This. I had my wedding last year and I don't remember who gave me what but I do remember who was there!!

I remember most and my wedding was 10yrs ago. My mil invited her acquaintance that she ran into on the street after not seeing her for about 5 years. This acquaintance then brought her adult daughter (who we didn't invite) and gifted us $35 for the 2 of them. Our per person cost was $150 and I can assure you she has never been invited to any event of mine ever again.

Along those lines, I have a good friend who seems to always have financial problems (she spends what she has) and she's always welcome to my home and parties so it really comes down to how close you are. Sounds like you have a nice time planned with a bunch of your friends. I'd put away a couple of bucks a day now and just give $100 if that's all I could afford. Or keep an eye out for sales for their registry items. Or you may be able to get the same item elsewhere for less. I was once able to score a tea set that was on the registry for $150 at a different store for $85. Then I called the registry store and said I realized I had forgotten to scan the item when I bought it and could they please mark it as purchased.

 

[verlee]

MHO is that you should go. You should spend only what you are comfortable with. However, If you are really concerned that your friend is going to judge you by the size of your gift, she probably is not the kind of friend you want to have. Especially if she knows your financial situation. If that is the case, I would not go.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I guess I'm wondering more why you'd consider spending all this time and money to go to a destination wedding of someone who really seems more like an acquaintance at this stage of your life.

You said you see her 'maybe' once a year, and only contact via e-mail. Do you think this will change at all?

I was thinking the same thing. Why don't you just send your regrets and a small gift, and use the money for a Disney trip?

At this point in my life, I'd only go to a destination wedding of a family member or very very close friend.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree that "cover your plate" is some newer fad that does not follow the rules of etiquette at all. .

I can assure you that the "cover your plate" concept is not a new one here! I'm sure my grandparents covered their plates! OP, I don't think you should go. You seem not to like this person much, and it sounds like you are going for the experience rather than to wish them well. I have friends from college who I consider my closest friends, even if we only talk a couple time a year (we don't live by each other).

It sounds like this wedding will cost you less than if she had it at home. What would you give her if it wasn't a destination wedding? I'd probably give $300, my minimum. I wouldn't bring a gift, since she has to get it home.

 

[LisaInNc]

I would say don't go. even if you said you were going you can still decline. Health, a conflict, a work thing there are lots of ways to get out of it. It sounds like because so many of your friends are going you want to go.

If that is the case than I say go, have a good time. Get a gift you are comfortable with. Where she has the party shouldn't be your concern, the Ritz or a hall somewhere, I would still give the same gift.

Lisa

 

[Took]

Not in the NYC metro area. Most people around here expect that you will "cover your plate" if you attend a wedding. I'm not from NYC originally and don't really agree with this (and also can't afford it, weddings around here are crazy expensive!), so I have a dilemma similar to the OP. I've been invited to a co-worker's wedding later this year and am really considering not going, even though she is a friend and I would like to attend. I know she expects each couple will give $200-$250 for a gift, and we just can't afford that. The other option I'm considering is going alone; that way I would feel comfortable only giving $100 and we also wouldn't have to pay a sitter for DD.

You know, it's really hard to believe that folks in NYC are all that obsessed with money and are that out of touch with traditional etiquette. Quite surprising.

I do not, and never will, follow such a custom. I will not expect others to. To do so seems entirely shallow. Friends can't be bought; others should not really be invited to a wedding.

End of soapbox.

 

[Took]

I remember most and my wedding was 10yrs ago. My mil invited her acquaintance that she ran into on the street after not seeing her for about 5 years. This acquaintance then brought her adult daughter (who we didn't invite) and gifted us $35 for the 2 of them. Our per person cost was $150 and I can assure you she has never been invited to any event of mine ever again.

Along those lines, I have a good friend who seems to always have financial problems (she spends what she has) and she's always welcome to my home and parties so it really comes down to how close you are. Sounds like you have a nice time planned with a bunch of your friends. I'd put away a couple of bucks a day now and just give $100 if that's all I could afford. Or keep an eye out for sales for their registry items. Or you may be able to get the same item elsewhere for less. I was once able to score a tea set that was on the registry for $150 at a different store for $85. Then I called the registry store and said I realized I had forgotten to scan the item when I bought it and could they please mark it as purchased.

Let me get this straight. Your mother chose to invite someone she hadn't seen in years, they came, and you're upset with them because they only spent $35 on the gift?

 

[Took]

This. I had my wedding last year and I don't remember who gave me what but I do remember who was there!!

Me too.

 

[Lewisc]

From your perspective it's not a destination wedding. It's going to cost you less to attend the wedding then if the wedding was in their home town. It's not accurate or fair to imply it's OK to give a lower gift since this is a "destination" wedding.

Don't take this the wrong way but it doesn't sound like this person is still a close friend. It sounds like you want to attend the wedding because you have friends attending and you're making it a vacation. You suggested most of your friends aren't bringing dates or their husbands.

Under those circumstances a $200 gift sounds about right. It would be very easy to come up with a reasonable excuse for not going. Your posts suggest you're more concerned about missing a vacation and seeing your friends then not seeing a (former) friend get married.

JMO but it's OK to attend the wedding of a close friend and family member even if you can't afford to give a "normal" gift. I wouldn't attend the wedding of a casual friend without giving a "normal" gift.

 

[Lewisc]

Let me get this straight. Your mother chose to invite someone she hadn't seen in years, they came, and you're upset with them because they only spent $35 on the gift?

Re-read the post. The acquaintance brought an adult daughter, who wasn't invited. That's rude, regardless of the amount of a gift. I don't know if the mother sent them an invitation or if the invitation was verbal. I'm not sure of exactly what happened but a last minute, verbal invitation might be interpreted as more of "we got a lot of last minute no's". We're not going to meet our minimum. Who can we invite to fill empty seats. I'm not sure what kind of gift you should expect that person to give.

 

[mjkacmom]

You know, it's really hard to believe that folks in NYC are all that obsessed with money and are that out of touch with traditional etiquette. Quite surprising.

I do not, and never will, follow such a custom. I will not expect others to. To do so seems entirely shallow. Friends can't be bought; others should not really be invited to a wedding.

End of soapbox.

This is the traditional etiquette here in the NE, and has been for decades. It's not written as fact, but it's understood. Although people would be horrified to be invited to a reception, and only be served cake, punch, mints, and nuts, we understand that's how it's done in other regions, and it's okay to do it there. Every area has customs. In some regions, I hear it's rude to give cash as a gift. That's great - if I attended a wedding there and knew this, I'd give an actual gift.

I liked the Martha Stewart reference (she grew up here, BTW). Many, many people in this area are 2nd or 3rd generation Europeans. We have mostly Italian and Irish here, and they have similar traditions.

 

[Took]

I agree that the "cover your plate" mentality is Northeastern. It still seems to imply a wedding that the bride and groom really can't afford. I suppose of if their friends want to help them pay for it this way, then I shouldn't get upset. But I can't imagine valuing an invitee by what he or she gave me as a present (or it she or he gave me one).

 

[Took]

Re-read the post. The acquaintance brought an adult daughter, who wasn't invited. That's rude, regardless of the amount of a gift. I don't know if the mother sent them an invitation or if the invitation was verbal. I'm not sure of exactly what happened but a last minute, verbal invitation might be interpreted as more of "we got a lot of last minute no's". We're not going to meet our minimum. Who can we invite to fill empty seats. I'm not sure what kind of gift you should expect that person to give.

I see. You're right. If the adult daughter wasn't invited, she should not have shown up. I also agree that inviting someone at the last minute seems a bit odd, too.

 

[MomToOne]

I think "cover your plate" is reasonable - when the wedding is reasonable.

But when a couple goes all out on their wedding because it's some sort of image thing to them, or they want to be a "Princess for a Day", then it's not reasonable to expect everyone else to pay for it. I put the Ritz in that category.

My parents were married in NYC in the 50s. Their wedding was a modest affair. Today's weddings usually aren't.

ETA: I don't spend $100-$150 a plate going out to dinner at a restaurant, let alone for wedding food. So I don't buy the reasoning that I'm just buying a nice night out.

 

[sunlover13]

I haven't read all the responses, so I apologize if this was already stated.

This is what I would do........

I would give whatever monetary gift you are comfortable with and can afford. If you feel that is not enough, I would make her something or buy her something else that is personalized.

For example, for my cousin's wedding, I gave her a monetary gift and then I gave her a frame which included her invitation, some pictures of the couple which I got from her Mom, and some flowers. It turned out really nice and I'm not crafty at all. It is hanging in her home so I think she likes it.

Or, if you can always get them a photo album, engraved with their names & wedding date. You can get one at Things Remembered for under $40.

Just some ideas.........

 

[Lewisc]

The expression "cover your plate" doesn't literally mean your gift has to cover the cost of your meal. Very few brides tell guests the exact cost of the meal.

It doesn't suggest a guest has to give a very high gift if a bride goes overboard with the wedding.

It does suggest a cash gift is more appreciated then a ramdom gift.

That said $100 for a couple doesn't sound right. The OP knows it doesn't sound right, othewise she wouldn't have started a thread to ask. She's claiming "Destination Wedding" as an excuse even though she knows it doesn't really apply in this case.

Not only aren't her friends bringing dates but her married friends aren't even bringing their husbands. Her posts in this thread suggest she's looking at the wedding as an opportunity for a low cost vacation and as a way to see her friends. It doesn't sound like she's that close to the bride or groom.

 

[englishteacha]

First off, OP...I have a picture of me with Figment like the one you have!

Secondly, since you are going to the wedding, I suggest buying them something that is not on their registry or making them something special. A gift I liked giving was a plushy blanket with a movie. Add in a bottle of wine and a couple pretty wine glasses and you have an evening of snuggling for the newlyweds!

In my family, a wedding gift ranges from something that cost $20 to $100. The $100 gift would be from a whole family! We're so Northeast the "northeast" etiquette doesn't reach us! (of course, we have pot luck weddings in American Legion halls, too...that's "Normal" for many of us!)

 

[okeydokey]

This is the traditional etiquette here in the NE, and has been for decades. It's not written as fact, but it's understood. Although people would be horrified to be invited to a reception, and only be served cake, punch, mints, and nuts, we understand that's how it's done in other regions, and it's okay to do it there. Every area has customs. In some regions, I hear it's rude to give cash as a gift. That's great - if I attended a wedding there and knew this, I'd give an actual gift.

I liked the Martha Stewart reference (she grew up here, BTW). Many, many people in this area are 2nd or 3rd generation Europeans. We have mostly Italian and Irish here, and they have similar traditions.

I grew up in NE (MA) and it's not the traditional etiquette everywhere. The first time I ever heard it was here on the DIS. I was married in MA and have gone to dozens of weddings there. The brides and grooms I know value their guests as loved friends and family, not as contributors to their extravagant parties.

 

[kirstenb1]

I see you're from Virginia. If you're anywhere near Richmond, I'd go to Carytown, and buy her a unique decorative gift, like a serving bowl. You could have it sent to her home ahead of time, so she wouldn't have to carry it back after the wedding.

 

[Lewisc]

in the 6 years since I graduated (7 for her) we've lost touch to only email contact and I'll see her once a year at a wedding or something. ...... Most of my friends are not bringing dates or husbands, and one said she's spending $100-$150 on a gift...... What's reasonable? Is it reasonable to spend $100 on a gift for two people? DBF has met her twice so it's not like he's an old friend either. People say "cover your plate" but really? ..... Any opinions?

I've already committed to going so ..... We've roped it into a vacation sort of as well, and are driving to Destin afterwards (free lodging there).

. I just don't want to look like a cheapskate here but I don't want to spend gobs of money either.

I edited the OPs two posts. She's asking for opinions. She said she doesn't want to look like a cheapskate. She said most of her friends aren't even bringing their husbands. They're giving a $100-$150. My opinion is $200 is probably the lowest she can go without looking like a cheapskate.

She can certainly come up with an excuse to either not attend or to attend without her boyfriend.

My answer would be different if she was still a close friend of the bride. My answer might be different if she was coming without her boy friend, was car pooling with one of her other friends and crashing in their room.

One option is to look at the registry. Is there anything that's listed for $200-$250 that you can purchase for around $150? Either online or from a discounter?