Wedding Etiquette question (long rant)

[Stimpy]

What do you think of this?

My DSIL is getting married next month. She made a big deal about not wanting kids at the wedding, which was great with me since I don't have to worry about DS being there. Now she wants her neices and nephew(my DS) to be at the ceremony "for pictures" and then wants them to go home before the reception.

I am extremely annoyed. I think it's really rude to "invite" the kids to the wedding and then tell them to go home. I was always told that you don't invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception. The oldest neice is 11 or 12 and DS, the youngest cousin is 4, they all have been to weddings and know there is a party afterwards. SIL, of course wants the kids dressed appropriately for the pictures, which means I would have to buy a suit for DS that he will only wear for 1 hour! Also, we live about an hour away. We would have to drive to church and drive home to drop off DS and then drive ANOTHER hour back to reception.

I knew she was going to do this and discussed it with DH about a month ago. He was supportive until SIL actually came out and told him her plans. Now I'm the bad guy! On top of it all, I will be about 36 months pregnant (with a high risk pregnancy). I told DH that if I have to drive all the way home, I'm staying home. I know this is going to be a major conflict in our home until the wedding, I'll blow up, rant and rave and wind up giving in. So now I'm praying to be put on bed rest! LOL

 

[caitycaity]

I am extremely annoyed. I think it's really rude to "invite" the kids to the wedding and then tell them to go home. I was always told that you don't invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception.

i agree.

 

[Kimberle]

Originally posted by Stimpy


I On top of it all, I will be about 36 months pregnant (with a high risk pregnancy). LOL

*LOL* I think you mean 36 WEEKS!!

And, yes, they need to choose, kids or no kids. Can't have it "both" ways!!

 

[goofy4tink]

Oh my!!! First, I'm assuming you meant 36 WEEKS, not months. That in and of itself would be enough to make me crazy. I wouldn't think there is any way possible for you to make that drive from church and then back to the reception. Are you staying overnight there? Maybe you could bring a sitter to stay with your DS after the ceremony? That being said, I think it is incredibly tacky to ask your son to be there for the wedding but not the party. I have been to receptions where the bride/groom provided a sitting service in a room someplace for the younger kids. I figure you are either invted or not. As far as who goes to a wedding vs. a reception...anyone can go to a wedding. We have wedding pictures that show complete strangers in the back row. Just wandered in to check it out evidently. But, you have to be invited to go to the reception. Not that that helps in your case. I would be soooo tempted to just stay home, but I'm sure that wouldn't make for happy family relations down the road!!!

 

[shortbun]

I'd stay home too.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I agree with you.

But, for family unity, can she arrange some babysitting at the church for during the reception? We did that for our out of down guests. Had one of the nursery workers from church babysit some of the guests kids. We would have paid her (not the guests) but she chose do to it as a wedding gift. I wouldn't buy a suit for your son. I think a shirt and tie with slacks would be fine for a 4 year old.

Maybe you can get your doctor to be the bad guy and give you a note not to travel.

 

[floridafam]

You are correct.

If they are invited to the wedding then they should be invited to the reception.

Sure, it is her decision not to invite someone to both. So, either they go to both or they stay home. Ask her which way she wants it.

It's not very considerate of her to be puttin you through all of this.

 

[dcgrumpy]

We actually did this with DS at my brother's wedding. His paternal grandfather picked him up at the cocktail wedding. It was our choice however my brother and SIL told said he could stay as long as we wanted him there. He was only 1 1/2 at the time, so there were no hurt feelings.

 

[mickeyboat]

That's ridiculous! That's a lot to ask of you and your family. We didn't have kids at our wedding either but we did invite them to the reception after dinner. Their babysitters brought them but they were not an hour away, either. If I were you, I would have to decline bringing your son. Maybe you could hire a babysitter close to the reception hall and have the kids come to the reception for a picture. Those of you who have kids could split the cost. Maybe the bride would be willing to share as well. AND I would not dress DS in a suit - just have him wear his nicest dress clothes.

Denae

 

[Stimpy]

Originally posted by Kimberle


*LOL* I think you mean 36 WEEKS!!

And, yes, they need to choose, kids or no kids. Can't have it "both" ways!!

Yikes! It just seems that long! LOL

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

I agree with the other posters.

Now about a suit. Go to a Junior League thrift store or Goodwill. Like you said he will only wear it for 1 hour. You will be amazed how many outfits you will find that look like brand new clothing. Whenever my son needs a navy blazer, we head to Goodwill. I found one that was Talbots Kids. No one will ever know where you bought the suit.

Remember that all brides think that everyone else cares about their wedding as much they do. We don't! So go with the flow and keep family harmony. Hopefully, when you have your baby they will help take good care of you.

Since you are so far along. Just relax and let your DH make all the arrangements with your son. I bet he can handle things.

 

[Kae]

Are the kids going to the reharsal dinner or is there a brunch after the wedding? then maybe she could have her "cousins-kids" picture. Or suggest maybe to this at another time, say a christmas photo or at a summer family gathering. Sometimes Brides get so caught up they forget common sense, I know I did.

Kae

 

[ducklite]

I can see her not wanting to have children at the reception (I had an all adult reception) but I never would have requested them to be there for photo's if I wasn't inviting them to the whole shebang.. That's very inconsiderate to the kids AND their parents.

It's possible that she thought it would be nice to have the kids in the photo's because some relatives are traveling a long way and it might be the last time that older relatives could be in the same photo's with the younger ones. I can see her point, but she's really asking way too much of you.

I agree with the others about the babysitting. My cousin did it a nice way. All the kids were invited, and after dinner there was babysitting provided in another room at the reception hall by two college students (my uncle is a dean at the college and "handpicked" a couple for this) Because the kids were in the same building where the parents could check in on them at any time, everyone was very comfortable with the arrangement.

Bottom line, if she wants the kids in the photo's, she needs to either invite them to the reception or make arrangements for them, including feeding them.

As far as a suit for your litle one, JC Penney's often has boys dress clothes sets which include trousers, a vest, and a shirt on clearence for under $20. Add a pair of shoes from Payless, and for $30 you've dressed him up. My son loved to wear his "dress up" clothes anytime he could when he was little, so you likely will get more use out of them than you think

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Anne

 

[RUDisney]

If she's anything like my sister, she'll regret the no kids decision later, after you've all endured the high stress. My sister asked my neice to be in her wedding, but then told my brother that the only kids at the reception would be the kids in the wedding, so his DS wasn't invited. At that time, my nephew was about 14-15 months. (Personally, I can't see how tending to a toddler would make the reception fun for them.) My brother and SIL were extremely insulted and went through the motions all day for my sister. When it was over, she told my Mom that having done the whole wedding day, she thought she was crazy for not inviting all of the kids. It would have saved alot of strife.

I tried to smooth things over by telling my brother and SIL that I'd find one of my friends to babysit. They said they couldn't leave him with someone they didn't know. I guess they knew that I would pick one of my axe-murderer friends to babysit their son.

When we suggested that my sister offer to hire a sitter that could watch him at the reception hall, in one of the rooms, she said that it wasn't her responsibility to find child care for our brother's kid.

What a fiasco it was.

In the end, everyone is over it... they were all better by that summer (sister got married in April.)

If it's important to you to have family unity, bring a sitter with you so you don't have to drive the two hours back and forth. Dress your son in a nice pair of pants and a shirt and tie for the pictures. Smile and when your SIL has kids, you can bring this up and tell her how you really felt when she'll understand why you feel this way.

If all else fails, tell them at the last minute that you are feeling too pregnant to attend at all. How could anyone not understand that?

 

[Mishetta]

That is so ridiculous & someone should set the bride straight! Everyone has their right to say if they want kids there or not, but why the big "pretense" in having kids for photo's & then getting rid of them? I think that is downright mean!

As a personal note.....I don't even go to a "no children" anything. If they don't want my kids, then I'm not going either. It's all or nothing in our family. Luckily, I haven't had to miss any family functions since no one in our family would even consider celebrating a life event without having children there!

For those that wish to flame.....I'm expressing my rights as an American citizen....freedom of speech!

 

[mickeyfan1]

I think it is odd to want them to be in the pictures anyway. If they aren't in the "bridal party" then why do they need to be in the pictures?

As far as inviting people to the wedding and not the reception, when my oldest sister got married, I was 10. I remember that we (my other 3 sisters and I) went to the wedding, but we did not attend the reception. Being 10 at the time, I am sure it mattered not to me. But there is no entitlement for wedding ceremony guests to attend the reception. Some people want to have all their friends and relatives share the joy of the ceremony, but then have a small private celebration after. As it is usually the brides family that is paying for the reception, it is certainly their choice whom or whom not to invite to the party.

 

[Lorix2]

I agree that it's a wedding with kids or not. Also, it's really selfish of her to expect parents to go thru the trouble of getting the kids ready, having the photo, then bringing the kids wherever they need to go which means leaving the wedding for a period of time to do that. Who wants to deal with that?

Also - she should consider how the kids will feel being excluded. A professional photo with younger kids, especially a wedding photo, will certainly not go as easy as she plans anyway.

Are children not family members or people anymore


(My SIL is considering no kids too, my 2 kids and 1 other child are her ONLY nieces & nephews, who are looking forward to a great time - ages 12, 6 & 6 - but yet they might not be invited. I'm not looking forward to crushing my kids feelings )

 

[buzzlady]

Originally posted by Mishetta
That is so ridiculous & someone should set the bride straight! Everyone has their right to say if they want kids there or not, but why the big "pretense" in having kids for photo's & then getting rid of them?

I agree. And it would be ridiculous to have to drive a total of 4 hours back and forth!

 

[CEDmom]

I really don't get the point of having these kids in the pictures if they're not participating in the wedding. I don't think you should go out of your way to accomodate your SIL, particularly in your condition.

 

[floridafam]

Here is a link to an article on TheKnot.com

http://www.theknot.com/ch_qaarticle...N WEDDING PARTY&channel=&keyword=&subchannel=