We don't hit our kids. . .how to handle Aunt who disagrees.

[peg2001]

My two DDs spent the day yesterday with their Aunt. When she brought them home, she popped her head in the door and asked me to come out. Apparently, they had misbehaved in the car on the way home and she had pulled DD7 out of the car in my driveway and spanked her. She wanted me to fetch DD4 out of the car so that she could spank her as well. When I went to the car, DD4 was like a frightened animal, trying to avoid being touched. It broke my heart! I had to reassure her several times that I wouldn't let anyone hit her before she would come to me.

I explained to the Aunt (my sister) that we don't hit and prefer to use timeout or removal of priveleges as discipline methods. She still wanted to spank DD4 but I would not allow it. I also had to console and comfort DD7 who not only was smacked, but didn't think it was fair that DD4 did not get the same treatment. I explained that Aunt was wrong and that I would have protected her as well, if I had been able.

After Aunt left, we then had a serious discussion of expected behavior while in cars and how dangerous it can be to distract the driver with misbehavior.

Anyway, I'm not sure what else to do. Aunt wants to take them to an amusement park later this week. I'm not confident that she'll respect my discipline choices.

What would you do?

Peggy

 

[chris1gill]

OMG, if anyone hit my kids, I'd probably hit them back!

We have a DS 9 & a DD 6, neither have ever been hit & they are quite well behaved, so I definitely understand where you are coming from.

You need to tell your sister that either she agrees to NOT hit them, or she cannot take them EVER... She must follow your rules, there are no alternatives... I would stick very hard and fast to this rule. If she cannot, then she doesn't deserve to be watching your children. Just MTCW!

 

[Kimberle]

Your Aunt "spanked" your children?!?!

You have much more self control than I, I'd have given her a black eye !!

She has no right to lay a hand on your children, whether or not you believe in that sort of punishment!

If it were me, that would be the LAST time I'd ever let her around my children unsupervised.

I can imagine her and your children at an amusement park. Kids generally get whiny & cranky by the end of the day, it normal and age appropriate!

 

[crazyforgoofy]

I understand how you feel. We don't use corporal punishment but so many people we know do "swat" or "paddle" or spank their children we're sometimes made to feel weird. Heck, even one of the gym teachers (male, called "coach" in this little town) told Isabella and her pal he'd "smack" their bottoms! It's a good thing he didn't or he and I would have had a big problem.

I'm sorry you have this disagreement with your own sister. Can you have a heart to heart with her and tell her you want your children to be consistently disciplined and that hitting (she'll insist that calling it spanking makes it acceptable) is something you're not comfortable with? Does your sister have children? How are they disciplined?

I have no answer but do know how you feel and wish you good luck. A direct heart to heart with Sis is called for, I think.

 

[Lisa F]

IMO you only have one option. Sit down with your sister and explain in no uncertain terms that if she cannot respect your disclipline methods that you cannot allow your children to be alone with her in a situation where she may have to disclipline them. Maybe you can talk to her about your methods of discipline or simply request that if they are acting up, she is to bring them home right away and you will take care of the problem.

This is not meant to be a comment on whether or not spanking is appropriate but rather where the lines are as far as what decisions relatives are allowed to make for your children. They should not go over the line in overriding important decisions in how you want to raise your children.

 

[Kimberle]

P.S. I would make her apologise to your children.

 

[Pam]

I think discipline is up to the parent - I think your sister was out of line to spank your children. She should have advised you of the situation and let you mete out the punishment - especially since she waited until after she had pulled into your driveway to spank.

However, it sounds as though your daughters were out of control in the car - which is very dangerous, especially when the driver can be easily distracted.

Personally - if the two of you disagree about forms of punishment - I would either go along with them to the amusement park - or not send the girls. Maybe they shouldn't be permitted to go anyways, as punishment for being bad in their Aunt's car??

 

[Pete's Mom]

Originally posted by peg2001
I explained to the Aunt (my sister) that we don't hit and prefer to use timeout or removal of priveleges as discipline methods. She still wanted to spank DD4 but I would not allow it.

I would never dream of physically disciplining another persons' child (even a family member). I have gotten mad at my BF's son, but if I can't get him to behave by talking with him, then I just take him back to his dad. Luckily, this had only happened a few times.

My ex and I have a strict agreement (it's in our divorce paperwork) that NO ONE is allowed to physically discipline Pete except for me and his dad.

If you don't feel confident that she'll respect your discipline choices, then I would say no to any future trips alone with your sister. It sad that she can't refrain for spanking them if she gets upset. It sounds like to me that she reacts to misbehaving with anger. Maybe she is not cut out for watching children.

 

[Hillbeans]

I agree...the fact that she still wanted to spank the child even after your explination that you don't spank your kids sends up a HUGE RED FLAG. I know kids can grate on your nerves in the car, but to actually spank a child for that is quite a punishment for a not so bad crime.

I remember getting spanked twice in my life..and both times was for something very very serious. I have never spanked my DS3 and don't plan on doing it. If my brother ever hit my child i'd never let him watch them again.

 

[Hayley]

I know exactly what I'd say -- half to avoid a big confrontations and half to kind of make your point in a sneaky way. I'd tell my sister (in my case it was a SIL) that I wouldn't dream of making trouble for her if my kids didn't know how to behave with her. I'd be insistant. I'd say, "Oh no, I can see that they, for some reason, just can't be trusted to be in the car while you are driving."

If she seems like she wants to sincerely discuss it (my SIL didn't -- she just wanted to tell me what a terrible parent I was) then tell her that you're going to have to insist on her respecting you as a parent.

And because I'm an evil and mean mom -- I 'd kill 2 birds with one stone and tell the girls that they weren't going to the amusement park because they didn't know how to behave in Auntie's car!!!!

 

[Serena]

Plain and simple, they are your kids, she is not allowed to spank or slap them in any way. Either she agrees, or she doesn't watch the kids.

I have a story to tell about this. I used to take care of my nephew, from when he was little to 10. At one point his dad had a gf and the environment over there was violent. The nephew would bring the violence to my house. I tried my very best to teach him how to behave, to be gentle, how to play without hurting anyone or anything. It was the most challenging days of my life. I came close to hurting that kid myself too many times, but I overcame that urge every time. I refused to add to that child's problems.
Anyway, I had a little girl and for the most part they would play pretty well together, but occassionally he would start punching her. He was the same age, but bigger and stronger. I kept a close eye on them constantly and I would stop it every time, but still my baby got hurt too many times. One time I stepped away and he started in again. Before I could reach them, Kelsea scratched his face. He left her alone after that, but his parents were furious. See, they could handle him being violent, but she fought back and scratched him near his eye. They wanted her punished. I refused. I refused to punish her for defending herself. And told them so.
My brother in law told me that if I didn't punish her, he would. I told him he'd have to go through me and he'd be in jail so fast his head would spin. I dared him to take one step toward her. He didn't, and didn't come around for a long time after that.
And I didn't watch my nephew for a long time. My sil had to quit her job because of it. They had no one else who could or would, watch him.
My nephew is ok now. His life is much calmer and he's a good kid. But he doesn't touch Kelsea no matter how mad he gets.
And my brother in law has never challenged me again. In fact he respects me even more than he did. My sil got over it too, for the most part.
I have no idea if my husband did or said anything to his brother.

 

[niks81]

Wow, I am really appalled at your sister spanking your kids. If they were acting up they should definitely be punished, but I'm with you--time outs or groundings or something. I was spanked often growing up, much of the time for no reason, but it was only by my dad--I can't imagine another relative hitting me I think my mom would have hit them back too LOL

Your youngest one sounded frightened and that is too bad. I would be really ticked off with my sibling for doing that. It's not her place whatsoever.

If it were me, I wouldn't let her take them to the park just yet.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would never let my kids alone with her again until they were older. That is just 'icky'. Spanking someone's else's kid is just plain freaky and cruel, to say the least in this situation.

 

[floridafam]

I would not let them go to the amusement park with her.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I don't think I could trust her not to spank them. Especially after she still wanted to spank the youngest one after you talked to her.

I would not let them go with her.

 

[browneyes]

I wouldn't let her take them to the amusement park either. And I would refuse to let her near them until she apologized to them.

 

[suevee]

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your sister.
First let me say I disagree with corporal punishment. That is not to say I have never spanked a hand or a bottom of my own child, I have and it was my failing. Your sister was wrong to spank a child.

However, my first idea is why would she feel comfortable spanking your kids? Had you ever sat down with her and discussed discipline issues before you allowed them to go with her?

If you did not then, I'm sorry, but I feel you must bear some responsibility here. After all, she is your sister not a stranger and should be aware of family rules. You and she should both agree on what would happen in specific situations. Role-playing in effect.

Again, personally I feel she was wrong to spank. My sister would never have spanked my children. What she would have done would be to pull the car over to a pay phone, call me and make me come pick up my misbehaving children. But then we established ground rules that we were both comfortable with before she did me the favor of watching my children.

Your children need to know that their aunt was wrong, however, they were more wrong. They could have been killed or injured much worse than a spanking in a car accident. Also if this aunt is a person they enjoy, they may have jeopardized any further fun trips with her. Why would she want to take care of children who won't listen to her or behave properly?

Yes, I agree there should be apologies made by all the parties involved. Your children for acting so badly, your sister for getting so scared and angry she behaved inappropriately, and you for not setting out the rules clearly. Then hugs and makeup over a hot fudge sunday is in order.

 

[Microcell]

Thank goodness my sis and I agree that hitting is not the answer. and my kids adore her and consider her a treat to be with, so they are very good around her, because I will take her away as a punishment- actually negative reinforcement if you want to get technical.

She does decide to dispense wisdom that is not what I agree with. Mostly becasue she is deaf and does not have a good grasp on our dynamic- it is more becasue she lacks social skills than she is deaf, but the deafness makes it so she misses out on things. She will tell them to be good to me and not to lie, but she introduced the idea to them by saying that, which annoys me. She tries to be their mother and tells me how to raise them- she has no kids of her own!! I finally had to tell her to stop doing that or a natural consequence would be not seeing as much of them!

With your situation I would not allow them alone with her until you are sure she is on the same page as you- demonstrating she agrees. It is hard, but I do not allow my kids alone with my dad because he physically abused the aforementioned sister 30 years ago. I just won't take the risk.

 

[mom2boys]

Even IF you believed in spanking your children, it would be you & your DH's place to admisniter it - NOT your sister's or anyone elses. I would be extremely hesitant to allow her to take them to the amusement park or anywhere else. Do they still want to go with her? I know my kids wouldn't.
I am guessing that your sister doesn't have kids of her own. Perhaps your sister only needs some suggestions on alternative means of dealing with kids. WHen my kids are with another adult, I do expect the adult to appropriately deal with the situation. However, no one better lay a hand on my kids.

 

[JerseyJanice]

IF I spanked my child (I don't), I still wouldn't want anyone else doing it. Your sister has some nerve. Frankly, I'd have punched in the face right in the driveway.

I'd be totally freaking out if I were you. I'm not suggesting you wage WWIII with your sister over this, but well, if it were my sister, I would.

NO ONE (and I mean NO ONE) would hit my kid and live to talk about it.