Was I wrong? Kinda long...

[ohiomom28]

Back in July, I asked 3 friends to be bridesmaid's in my wedding in March. I gave them a choice of 3 different dresses, they all 3 chose the same $140 dress. At the 1st fitting, I was told they would take 12 weeks to come in. I told all of my girls (4 including my sister which is Maid of Honor) that I would like the dresses ordered by end of September, giving 3 months for any problems or alterations. End of September comes and 3 of the 4 can't do it and ask for another month. I make another appointment for the girls for end of October. One of them tell me they will call and order it, she doesn't need to re-try it on. The other 3 and I get there, 2 of them order and the other one says she doesn't have the money.
Another month and the last one still hasn't ordered but she gets a $1000 bonus, says she is going to order, yet doesn't. 2 weeks ago, I asked her again if she ordered and she said no. I told her that if she wanted to back out, she could. She said it was for the best. I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks when she emailed me and said if I could be more patient, she would get the dress. I have been more than patient with her. I gave her 2 extra months. Its just getting too close to wait anymore. I feel like she has turned it around on me, like it's my fault. Was I wrong to not give her more time?
The wedding is March 26th. I did find out after the 1st order that the dresses actually take 6 weeks instead of 12.

 

[smb6]

I can see both points of views..... I'm sure she is not delaying on purpose- if she does not have the money, she does not have it. I know you said she got a 1k bonus but who knows what she had that money allocated for and that is her business alone.
I also understand that you are anxious that hholding off will result in her not having the dress in time.
If she wants to remain a bridesmaid, I would leave it up to her. If she gets the dress ordered in time- great. If not- that is fine also and I would not hold it against her.... just see what happens and continue with your wedding plans in the meantime...

 

[ohiomom28]

I understand about her allocating the bonus to something else. But she told me she was ordering the dress when she got that money.
She said she needs to wait until mid-January to order now and that only leaves 9 weeks until the wedding.
My sisters dress has to be reordered due to a defect in the fabric and if something like that were to happen to hers, then it would be too late. I'm not even sure that 3 weeks would be enough time for alterations.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I also can see both sides of the story. They feel "nagged" by you, and you feel they are being "lazy and cheap".

Nobody is wrong, nobody is right.

The way they see it is, "The wedding isn't UNTIL March, that's three months away."

The way you see it is, "The wedding is in March, that's ONLY three months away!"

You'll have to decide on a time when enough is enough and you can't wait any longer, and either pay for the dresses yourself, or "dismiss" them from their duties.

From the "other" side of view... when my DH was a groomsman, I remember the FRANTIC and FREQUENT, "Have you gotten sized for your tux yet!?!?" phone calls from the bride. My husband was busy. We didn't want the $150 payment until we absolutely HAD to (and yes, they charge you THEN and THERE, even for tux rental for a wedding months away, and for a tux you won't pick up for months...)

Just lay off until mid-January, and make a decision then.

 

[ohiomom28]

That's just it, I can't wait until mid-January. That leaves 9 weeks to get a dress that takes 6 weeks to come in. No time for alterations or problems.

 

[BELLE1109]

I purchased my bridesmaids dresses to avoid any ordering drama. That and their jewelry was their thank you gift from me for being in my wedding.

 

[AKL_Megs]

That's just it, I can't wait until mid-January. That leaves 9 weeks to get a dress that takes 6 weeks to come in. No time for alterations or problems.

Well then, all you can do is lay down the gauntlet. It's Monday. Tell them they have until Sunday to order, or they can't be in your bridal party.

Or, pay for the dresses.

 

[ohiomom28]

I purchased my bridesmaids dresses to avoid any ordering drama. That and their jewelry was their thank you gift from me for being in my wedding.

Unfortunately, I couldn't pay for all of them.
I planned to buy their jewelry as well.

 

[justhat]

I imagine it would be fine. Unless there is a big problem, 3 weeks is ample time for alterations. I was in a wedding 5 weeks after my son was born. I told the bride and groom when I found out I was pregnant (so January, wedding was in September) and gave them the choice to replace me if need be. They said they were fine with it and wanted me in the wedding if at all possible, even though my due date was just 11 days before their wedding, so they knew there was a chance I might not even make it.

Anyway, my point here is that while i did order the dress months out, I had NO idea what size I would be when the dress came in, or when the wedding took place. Well, my son was born 4 weeks early on 8/4 and he was at least 3 weeks old when I had my dress fitted for their 9/10 wedding. That left I guess about 2 weeks before their wedding, and all was fine.

So if you want her, then wait it out. If you don't really care either way, then drop her.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Pay for this girl's dress now and have her pay you back. Don't tell the other girls, obviously.

This way, the dress is ordered, you can relax and your friend can take whatever time she needs to get the funds.

I'm assuming she's a very dear friend or you wouldn't have asked her to be in your wedding.

 

[Suz725]

Pay for this girl's dress now and have her pay you back. Don't tell the other girls, obviously.

This way, the dress is ordered, you can relax and your friend can take whatever time she needs to get the funds.

I'm assuming she's a very dear friend or you wouldn't have asked her to be in your wedding.

Ditto this...

 

[ohiomom28]

Pay for this girl's dress now and have her pay you back. Don't tell the other girls, obviously.

This way, the dress is ordered, you can relax and your friend can take whatever time she needs to get the funds.

I'm assuming she's a very dear friend or you wouldn't have asked her to be in your wedding.

If I had the money to do it, that would be a great solution.

I know, I know, how can I get upset for her not having the money when I don't either.
We are paying for this wedding on our own and every bit of extra money we have goes to this wedding. I simply don't have anything extra.

My main issue isn't the fact that she didn't have the money, My issue is that she didn't bother to tell me. I had to ask her. How long would it have gone on if I hadn't asked?

 

[RadioNate]

That's just it, I can't wait until mid-January. That leaves 9 weeks to get a dress that takes 6 weeks to come in. No time for alterations or problems.

Well the thing is you CAN wait until mid January. You don't WANT to wait until then but you can wait. 3 weeks IS enough time for alterations. Now problems is another story but I'm guessing this bridesmaid doesn't anticipate problems.

You wedding isn't going to be as important to anyone else as it is to you. It just isn't. I don't want to say that they don't care because I'm sure they do but in the scheme of THEIR lives it really isn't this super important thing they have to get done NOW. KWIM?

No one is right or wrong, just different.

I was in my cousins wedding in early Nov 2007. I was 33 weeks pregnant at the time. The bride got engaged around Labor Day. Her entire wedding was pulled off in about 9 weeks including 4 bridesmaids dresses. Mine was pinned together because I couldn't be fitted properly. One of the other bridesmaids is a gifted seamstress and she just tacked me into the dress that day.

Take a deep breath, relax and think about what is more important, this girl being part of your wedding or her dress being perfect.

 

[Hannathy]

do they have to pay in full when they are ordering? My DD was just in a wedding and we only put a deposit down until the dress came in.

I would actually step back and let her deal with the store. It can be between them and her as to how she will pay for it and when. Doesn't she have a credit card or her Mother or sister, etc that she could use until her bonus comes in?

 

[AKL_Megs]

If I had the money to do it, that would be a great solution.

I know, I know, how can I get upset for her not having the money when I don't either.
We are paying for this wedding on our own and every bit of extra money we have goes to this wedding. I simply don't have anything extra.

My main issue isn't the fact that she didn't have the money, My issue is that she didn't bother to tell me. I had to ask her. How long would it have gone on if I hadn't asked?

Another solution...

Maybe she can't afford it. Maybe she can. Maybe she doesn't WANT to. Maybe she does. Maybe it doesn't matter.

You can't, she's holding out, and you want it done.

Can you compromise and allow her to get a similar color dress from a Macy's or something?

 

[Hannathy]

are you sure it is going to need alterations? How did the sample fit her?

My DD's dress needed no alterations.

Her prom gown did come in with the bodice crooked on one side and we took that in and had it back in less than a week, so even if it needs something she can probably find someone to do it in less than 3 weeks

 

[dakcp2001]

Ok, putting my flame suit on.

After being a bridesmaid one time too many, I have learned to politely decline immediately when asked. The wedding is the biggest thing in YOUR life right now, that is not the case for your bridal party, your friends, your neighbors and your cubemates. If money is tight, it can be expensive and she may have other priorities. You yourself have said you cant afford the dress for her right now, so you should be able to understand the money issue that she is having. If you really want her in your wedding you will work it out. It might be embarrasing for her to have to tell you this, that is prob why she didnt fess up. It is the holidays and money is tight. Dont let a dress ruin your friendship/relationship with this person. Dont sweat the small stuff.

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

I'm getting married in April and all my bridesmaid dresses are in...I wouldn't want to wait either. It may not be the most important day to them but it is to you, so do what you have to...though it may be at the cost of a friend so keep that in mind.

I suggest waiting until January if you have to, if you really value her friendship

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Back in July, I asked 3 friends to be bridesmaid's in my wedding in March. I gave them a choice of 3 different dresses, they all 3 chose the same $140 dress. At the 1st fitting, I was told they would take 12 weeks to come in. I told all of my girls (4 including my sister which is Maid of Honor) that I would like the dresses ordered by end of September, giving 3 months for any problems or alterations. End of September comes and 3 of the 4 can't do it and ask for another month. I make another appointment for the girls for end of October. One of them tell me they will call and order it, she doesn't need to re-try it on. The other 3 and I get there, 2 of them order and the other one says she doesn't have the money.
Another month and the last one still hasn't ordered but she gets a $1000 bonus, says she is going to order, yet doesn't. 2 weeks ago, I asked her again if she ordered and she said no. I told her that if she wanted to back out, she could. She said it was for the best. I didn't hear from her for 2 weeks when she emailed me and said if I could be more patient, she would get the dress. I have been more than patient with her. I gave her 2 extra months. Its just getting too close to wait anymore. I feel like she has turned it around on me, like it's my fault. Was I wrong to not give her more time?
The wedding is March 26th. I did find out after the 1st order that the dresses actually take 6 weeks instead of 12.

So are you asking if you were wrong to force her to back out?

If that is your question, I say no. She should not have accepted the task if she was not able to afford it.

It is for the best. Being in a wedding party costs $$$$ and frankly, if she does not have the money, she doesn't have the money.

 

[dislaney]

I purchased my bridesmaids dresses to avoid any ordering drama. That and their jewelry was their thank you gift from me for being in my wedding.

That is what I did as well. That way the cost wasn't an issue and I had it in my budget for the wedding.