W

[act1980]

Ok, I have got a pretty tough decision to make.

My parents are being really difficult about my wedding and I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

Basically one minute they say they will go to my wedding and then they say they may not (due to finances)
They have known for at least 3 years that we were planning on getting married abroad (we live in the UK). I wouldn't mind so much but they both smoke and drink heavily therefore wasting a ton of money. My childhood also revolved around pubs, alcohol, gambling and smoking and as children we never came first.

Also, my Mum is an alcoholic. I begged her not to drink on my wedding day and she promised me that there was no way she would ruin my day. Anyway, I asked her last weekend 'your not drinking at my wedding are you'? She replied with 'well, hopefully not, no'!! WTH!!! What kind of answer is that!! So now I am on tenter hooks because of that as well. The whole thing is really getting to me now. I just don't understand why you would want to upset your first born daughter on what is meant to be the happiest day of her life!

I just feel like they should be trying to make it up to me now but they are still being totally selfish.

I just feel like I am all over the place and trying to plan a wedding abroad is stressful enough without having this to worry about as well.

My question is, should I just tell them no to bother? They way I know where I stand and can just move on. Otherwise I feel like they are in control and all the while I am going to be up and down, and on the lead up to my wedding will be worrying about whether my Mum will be drinking or not.

Ahhh, what to do. Someone please help me.

 

[act1980]

Ok, I have got a pretty tough decision to make.

My parents are being really difficult about my wedding and I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

Basically one minute they say they will go to my wedding and then they say they may not (due to finances)
They have known for at least 3 years that we were planning on getting married abroad (we live in the UK). I wouldn't mind so much but they both smoke and drink heavily therefore wasting a ton of money. My childhood also revolved around pubs, alcohol, gambling and smoking and as children we never came first.

Also, my Mum is an alcoholic. I begged her not to drink on my wedding day and she promised me that there was no way she would ruin my day. Anyway, I asked her last weekend 'your not drinking at my wedding are you'? She replied with 'well, hopefully not, no'!! WTH!!! What kind of answer is that!! So now I am on tenter hooks because of that as well. The whole thing is really getting to me now. I just don't understand why you would want to upset your first born daughter on what is meant to be the happiest day of her life!

I just feel like they should be trying to make it up to me now but they are still being totally selfish.

I just feel like I am all over the place and trying to plan a wedding abroad is stressful enough without having this to worry about as well.

My question is, should I just tell them no to bother? They way I know where I stand and can just move on. Otherwise I feel like they are in control and all the while I am going to be up and down, and on the lead up to my wedding will be worrying about whether my Mum will be drinking or not.

Ahhh, what to do. Someone please help me.

 

[Bride-to-be]

I don't want you to be disappointed on your wedding day because they aren't there, or because they are there.

Would you be ok if they weren't there? If you are definitely ok with them not being there then I would prepare for them to not be there. Tell them that you understand its a financial burden and that you are ok with them not being there - that they can do a little cocktail party or something after you are back in the UK. Tell yourself they aren't coming and get used to the idea. I am sure you will be surrounded by lots of friends and family who really care and want to be there.

If they decide to come - great. Just make sure you have a family member or someone who can keep an eye on your mom.

I hope this helps!!

 

[not_Joanna_eggs]

Ugh I'm so sorry to hear about your drama. I agree with Cassie.

I can't tell you what's right for your situation, but I'll give you a snyopsis of ours, which is sort of similar.

DH's family (specifically his mom and brother) put us through something similar. They went back and forth on if they would come or not and his brother who was supposed to be the BM told us 3 days before we left that he wasn't coming. Allegedly he couldn't get off of work - even though he knew the date for 2 years before... and posted pictures on FB of a fishing trip he took on the weekend of our wedding.

DH and I had a long talk about if it was worth it to him to change our plans for his family. In the end, he decided that though it would be nice if they came, it really was their choice and he only wanted them there if they wanted to be there. And I was worried if they did come, they might make a scene.

His dad did end up coming and had a great time... but his mother and brother and SIL didn't and DH just made peace with it. Basically, we decided to treat them like any other invited guests. It was totally their choice if they came or not, and we refused to let them make wedding planning more stressful than it is.

In the end, we were surrounded with family and friends that truly wanted to be there, and we couldn't have asked for anything better.

Good Luck, and lots of hugs.

 

[sunset30]

Hi, and (((hugs)))
I too am in the UK, getting married in WDW later this year.
My parents are NOT going to be there.
They put us through a load of grief about how selfish it was to have a wedding abroad, even though originally we were getting married in PA, and they were happy to come to that! When we switched to Disney (because it just seemed like so much fun and our ds would love it too!) they suddenly said they couldn't make it, because of the expense (which we worked out was comparable for them for a week in FL to 2 nights in NYC)
We WOULD have offered to pay for their trip, if they had shown any indication that they were sorry that couldn't come, or that they would LIKE to come, or any subsequent interest in ANYTHING wedding related.
I have had loads of questions to ask about things like the dinner, what the children there would like as gifts, my dress, flowers, readings etc etc etc, and my parents (esp my mother have been totally disinterested and she has blanked me entirey when I have asked things)
BUT We thought about it, and we decided that I want to have a good time, have fun and enjoy my wedding the way I would like it, and NOT have her making me feel bad, so we decided that the sadnes for not being "given away" and the sadness of not having them there would be made up for by the fact that they would not be ther criticisiing everything and making me feel bad.
I hope that you can resolve this, but always keep in your head that this is a once in a lifetime thing for you, you don't want your memory of it to be how bad they made you feel, so work out what to do based on what you will feel best about in the future
(((hug)))
Lx

 

[aimeeblonde]

Voted for option A.

If you're fine without them there... the don't bother. 3 years is a long enough time to save for a trip abroad, but well... they probably drank it all away.

Bottom line: It's your day, not theirs! I believe your entitled to be selfish on your one day to be a princess.

Good Luck!

 

[Pooh Friend]

I vote for option B

I know you want your parents there, but it is completely out of your hands... you gave them three years of opportunity to save. No matter what, this is YOUR wedding day and you can't save them or be responsible for how they respond to your invitation to the wedding. Having grown up with a father who was an alcoholic and being a child of an alcoholic we have a tendancy to "save" and we still want to please out parents... you may have to do the wedding on your own and hope they make the best decision. Either way, prepare yourself to enjoy the wedding and make the best out of whatever situation comes your way.

Best of luck to you... either way it won't be easy but you can do it!

 

[brer rabbit 28]

It's a tough one isn't it? I think you have to think of your own happiness and I echo Sunset 30 response.

We have decided to take our Mums with us and two friends and that's it. Both sets of parents are divorced and bvoth Dads have remarried. We took the decision as although the Mums would "cope" if the others came, we don't want the added stress for ourselves or them of dealing with two stroppy stepmothers. My Dad was disappointed but understanding, DF Dad on the other hand has thrown a complete wobbler, as has his sister.

We are having a home reception for all the people who aren't coming and we have agreed this is enough.

At the end of the day, this is a once in a lifetime event and nothing should ruin it for you - especially not family that aren't 100% behind you.

Good luck in your decision and we are always here for you to vent to x

 

[mandylynn011]

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I know it's hard when it comes to parents. I had the same issues with my mom when I was younger (the alcohol, smoking and stuff). It always seemed as I came second to anything. Over the years things have changed between us. If you are okay with them not being there on your wedding day, tell them. I know it may be hard to not have them there, but you need to be stress free and happy on your day. It may even open there eyes and change there mind about going (reverse psychology- tell them you understand financially and it is fine they aren't there, they may wake up and realize it would be important for them to be there)
I know it's hard when it comes to family to make decisions like this, but you need to be happy on one of the biggest days in your life.
Good Luck, and whatever you decide make sure you and your DH are happy.

 

[act1980]

I don't want you to be disappointed on your wedding day because they aren't there, or because they are there.

Would you be ok if they weren't there? If you are definitely ok with them not being there then I would prepare for them to not be there. Tell them that you understand its a financial burden and that you are ok with them not being there - that they can do a little cocktail party or something after you are back in the UK. Tell yourself they aren't coming and get used to the idea. I am sure you will be surrounded by lots of friends and family who really care and want to be there.

If they decide to come - great. Just make sure you have a family member or someone who can keep an eye on your mom.

I hope this helps!!

To be honest the thought of them not being there really upsets me but, the idea that my Mum may act up really worries me and I don't know if if's worth the stress. I keep thinking that if I get married without her there then at least I will know what to expect, otherwise I will be thinking 'what if' the whole time leading up to the wedding and on the day that I think the stress would just be too much.

Thanks for your reply

Ugh I'm so sorry to hear about your drama. I agree with Cassie.

I can't tell you what's right for your situation, but I'll give you a snyopsis of ours, which is sort of similar.

DH's family (specifically his mom and brother) put us through something similar. They went back and forth on if they would come or not and his brother who was supposed to be the BM told us 3 days before we left that he wasn't coming. Allegedly he couldn't get off of work - even though he knew the date for 2 years before... and posted pictures on FB of a fishing trip he took on the weekend of our wedding.

DH and I had a long talk about if it was worth it to him to change our plans for his family. In the end, he decided that though it would be nice if they came, it really was their choice and he only wanted them there if they wanted to be there. And I was worried if they did come, they might make a scene.

His dad did end up coming and had a great time... but his mother and brother and SIL didn't and DH just made peace with it. Basically, we decided to treat them like any other invited guests. It was totally their choice if they came or not, and we refused to let them make wedding planning more stressful than it is.

In the end, we were surrounded with family and friends that truly wanted to be there, and we couldn't have asked for anything better.

Good Luck, and lots of hugs.

Wow! I'm really sorry to hear that. It's hard t believe that some family members can be that heartless. I guess they are just selfish. I saw your PJ and your wedding looked amazing! Thanks for the support

Hi, and (((hugs)))
I too am in the UK, getting married in WDW later this year.
My parents are NOT going to be there.
They put us through a load of grief about how selfish it was to have a wedding abroad, even though originally we were getting married in PA, and they were happy to come to that! When we switched to Disney (because it just seemed like so much fun and our ds would love it too!) they suddenly said they couldn't make it, because of the expense (which we worked out was comparable for them for a week in FL to 2 nights in NYC)
We WOULD have offered to pay for their trip, if they had shown any indication that they were sorry that couldn't come, or that they would LIKE to come, or any subsequent interest in ANYTHING wedding related.
I have had loads of questions to ask about things like the dinner, what the children there would like as gifts, my dress, flowers, readings etc etc etc, and my parents (esp my mother have been totally disinterested and she has blanked me entirey when I have asked things)
BUT We thought about it, and we decided that I want to have a good time, have fun and enjoy my wedding the way I would like it, and NOT have her making me feel bad, so we decided that the sadnes for not being "given away" and the sadness of not having them there would be made up for by the fact that they would not be ther criticisiing everything and making me feel bad.
I hope that you can resolve this, but always keep in your head that this is a once in a lifetime thing for you, you don't want your memory of it to be how bad they made you feel, so work out what to do based on what you will feel best about in the future
(((hug)))
Lx

It's mad isn't it! I still can't get my head around the fact that parents wouldn't go anywhere for their offsprings wedding. My DF's best friend said he would go absolutely anywhere that we decide to get married. I thought that was so sweet of him, he is a true friend.

Where we you originally going to get married? I guess we will both be walking down the aisle on our own. I hope your not too upset about the situation with your parents

Voted for option A.

If you're fine without them there... the don't bother. 3 years is a long enough time to save for a trip abroad, but well... they probably drank it all away.

Bottom line: It's your day, not theirs! I believe your entitled to be selfish on your one day to be a princess.

Good Luck!

Thanks for your reply!

I vote for option B

I know you want your parents there, but it is completely out of your hands... you gave them three years of opportunity to save. No matter what, this is YOUR wedding day and you can't save them or be responsible for how they respond to your invitation to the wedding. Having grown up with a father who was an alcoholic and being a child of an alcoholic we have a tendancy to "save" and we still want to please out parents... you may have to do the wedding on your own and hope they make the best decision. Either way, prepare yourself to enjoy the wedding and make the best out of whatever situation comes your way.

Best of luck to you... either way it won't be easy but you can do it!

Thanks! I hope things with your Dad are better now

It's a tough one isn't it? I think you have to think of your own happiness and I echo Sunset 30 response.

We have decided to take our Mums with us and two friends and that's it. Both sets of parents are divorced and bvoth Dads have remarried. We took the decision as although the Mums would "cope" if the others came, we don't want the added stress for ourselves or them of dealing with two stroppy stepmothers. My Dad was disappointed but understanding, DF Dad on the other hand has thrown a complete wobbler, as has his sister.

We are having a home reception for all the people who aren't coming and we have agreed this is enough.

At the end of the day, this is a once in a lifetime event and nothing should ruin it for you - especially not family that aren't 100% behind you.

Good luck in your decision and we are always here for you to vent to x

Thank you xx

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. I know it's hard when it comes to parents. I had the same issues with my mom when I was younger (the alcohol, smoking and stuff). It always seemed as I came second to anything. Over the years things have changed between us. If you are okay with them not being there on your wedding day, tell them. I know it may be hard to not have them there, but you need to be stress free and happy on your day. It may even open there eyes and change there mind about going (reverse psychology- tell them you understand financially and it is fine they aren't there, they may wake up and realize it would be important for them to be there)
I know it's hard when it comes to family to make decisions like this, but you need to be happy on one of the biggest days in your life.
Good Luck, and whatever you decide make sure you and your DH are happy.

I was thinking of doing exactly that actually. Thing is since I posted this thread my Mum and I have had a major fall out (over drink of course!) And I have decided that it would just be easier if she wasn't there. Hard as it may be at least I won't have the stress of worrying about how she is going to be on the day.

I'm glad that things have changed between you and your Mum. I hope one day that will happen for me

 

[act1980]

MODS:

Could you please merge this thread with the W thread.

Many thanks!

 

[sunset30]

I think you're right, I was really bewildered that with around 2 years to save for teh wedding they STILL said no, within seconds of me telling them, what we were doing. I had imagined that my parents would WANT to be there. Originally we were getting married in Pennsylvania, so, since it's still USA and they were happy to come to that, it was even more bewildering.
Seems like you have made a decision, but I just wanted to say that just focus on it being them / her that doesn't WANT to be there (by actions if not words) it's NOT you, so you don't have to feel bad, just go out and have the most fabulous wedding and bring back the best memories becasue you'll have them forever.
Have a wonderful wedding
Lx

 

[KrisJenn1210]

I can relate to your dilemma and I am sorry you have to deal with this. In a perfect world, weddings would be happy and stress free. Unfortunately, we can only make it as perfect as what we have control over.

I am in a similar situation with my sister. Long story short, I don't get along with her husband because he has been abusive to her. He and I cannot make it through a single day without drama and last Christmas we really had it out. My sister claims that he wants nothing to do with our family or our family vacations, which is fine with us (as he and our family have never gotten along). When I called my sis to tell her about the wedding, she was less than enthusiastic and it took the entire phone call for her to say congratulations. Financially, she is strapped and I told her we'd figure out something but that I really wanted her and my neice and nephew there. She said (huge sigh) "I'll see what I can do." That was in February and I haven't heard from her since. She has told my parents that her husband says the kids can't be in my wedding unless I appologize for last Christmas (not going to happen). And she also claims that she will not come unless he can come too (also not going to happen since I get to be selfish and choose to squash that drama now).

Right now I have no idea what is going to happen. Part of me wants to say "Don't Bother. I don't want your drama." But the other part of me wishes she could be there (as she said she was going to be my MOH before I was even engaged). In the end, she's the one that will have regrets about missing out on this day in my life if she chooses not to come. I've already asked someone else to be my MOH and I am continuing with plans to have DF's neice and nephew in the wedding. Many of my family member are saying they likely won't make it for the wedding, which upsets me a little (as most are retired and spend their time traveling anyway). But I tell DF, it doesn't matter who comes as long as at the end of the day we are married.

I hope you have the most beautiful, stress free day. Just remember, the ones that truly matter are the ones that will be there to make your day wonderful.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Option B.

And please know that no matter what your parents do, it is no reflection of who you are as a human being.

 

[LovesHerTaurus]

I went with the don't bother option.

This is your (the royal your, not just you) wedding and a day you will remember for the rest of your lives and should be filled with joy and laughter and good tears.

You might have to protect your day from your family, as bad as that sounds. Let them host a cocktail party reception when you return from your trip. You don't need to always think about the other people in your lives when it comes down to a major decision and major day like this: if they are wavering for whatever reason, then they really don't need to be part of the day. But they can still be part of the process by hosting something locally.

My family isn't attending our wedding because they are going to my sister's graduation. My love's family isn't attending because they can't afford it (thus the BBQ we are throwing when we come back home!). It is just the two of us and my two daughters.

You can't pick your family, but you know them really well and can predict how things most likely will turn out, and plan around that.