Stepharoonie!
<font color=teal>NOTHING is scarier than Wilford B
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2003
- Messages
- 7,378
Our plane successfully landed somewhere. I don't know where in the world we were. I was really agitated by the time that plane came to a full and complete stop. Paul Sr. kept my magazines the whole time and absolutely refused to give them back to me. He attempted to snag my pretzels when I wasn't looking as well. What in the world is wrong with that man? Can't he just ask the attendant for another bag? Sheesh!
In true Rubeye Anne form, she and The Grandmother were the first off of the plane. If there was ever a stampede to be seen, it should have been that one those two caused. They INSISTED on being the first off of the plane (remember....we had a 3 hour layover before the next flight!) instead of sitting patiently in their seats for us (we had all managed to sit in the very back of the plane). So, the flight attendants held up the line so The Grandmother could slllooowwwwlllllyyyy get up out of her seat; ssllllooooooowwwlllllllyyyyy get into the wheelchair; sllllooooowwwwwlllllllyyyyy take her bags off of her seat; sllloooowwwwllllyyyyyy put them in her lap.
Now, if this were just any older person, I wouldn't have cared. But, good lord! I've seen The Grandmother do a dead run in a packed restaurant once when she thought someone was going to touch her flowers at her Christmas party (yet another story for another day). She's a spring chicken, for sure. But she apparently liked acting the part of The Old Woman, and man...it was getting a little annoying.
Rubeye Anne was still sitting in her seat.
Still trying to figure out how to get those Velcro sneakers to work.
Finally, they got off of the plane. A small cheer went up throughout the antsy crowd, and a human stampede began. It took all of three seconds for that plane to completely empty after Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum got off.
As expected, they wanted to RUN, RUN RUN! to the next boarding area, but the rest of us did not. As The Grandmother started to dictate how we needed to be at the gate as early as possible, Rubeye Anne cuts in:
"Oh, Momma Rubeye...ohhhh....that Egg Muffin is tryin' to get out. I need to use the toilet. I needn't eat Eat Muffin's anymore. This happens all of the time. Remember when I had the explosive runs at church? This is JUST like that." First off, it's an Egg MCMuffin. Secondly, I'm sure half of that airport did not need to know that a McMuffin is making you have to go to the bathroom. Third....well....explosive runs. I kid you not, I couldn't begin to make this stuff up. She apparently had no shame.
So, off they trot to the bathroom. Excuse the pun. My dad used to call it "the trots" and I just realized that. Hahahaha. Anyways
The Grandmother wanted to push ahead in front of the line so they could get to their boarding gate, so Rubeye Anne proceeds to run over toes, cut in line, and ATTEMPT to get that stupid wheelchair into the tiny doorway.
I thought for sure someone was going to kill the both of them right there.
They managed to squeeze the wheelchair into the bathroom somehow. I know this particular bathroom wasn't really made to handle a wheelchair, but they were bound and determined to make it work. Unfortunately, it caused a mile long backup in the line, as no one else could get in.
As the four of us waited outside of the Ladies room for them, we heard odd, echoey sounds. At first, it sounded a bit like someone turned the speaker in the terminal on, and you were hearing the weird, static-y sounds from that. Oh, no. Rubeye Anne was fighting with that Egg Muffin of hers; "GET OUT OF THERE!" To this day I giggle uncontrollably when someone yells, "GET OUT OF THERE!"
Of course, Paul Sr. (who has been oddly quiet this entire time) had to ask if everything came out okay when they emerged from the bathroom, quite odorific. Rubeye Anne played it off, but she did look slightly embarrassed.
At this point of time, Paul Sr. decided that he needed a smoke. Thing is, he isn't ALLOWED to smoke, but he still does. He had throat cancer the year before, and the doctor nearly threatened him if he started smoking again. He obviously didn't listen. He pretended like he no longer smoked, and attempted to hide it from The Grandmother. Please. How many times have you smelled a smoker? How could anyone not know what you've been up to? He and Harry ducked into a smoking room in the terminal before The Grandmother saw them.
The Grandmother lost sight of her beloved son for a split second and couldn't find him. Rubeye Anne looked around in a panic, thinking the plane (still 3 hours away) was going to take off without Paul Sr. and Harry. She looked behind her, and waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy off into the crowd there was a man that could have sorta maybe looked like her cousin. She wheeled the wheelchair around so quickly she nearly took out a little boy. " PAUL! SLOW YOUR A** DOWN AND WAIT FOR US! PAUL!!!!!"
Velcro straps still flappin' in the wind.
I realized right then and there that Rubeye Anne and The Grandmother had taken off in the wrong direction. Was I going to say anything? Ohhhh....no. I did mention it to my husband.
Paul: "You got the backpack?"
Me: "Yup."
Paul: "Tickets in the backpack?"
Me: "Yup."
Paul: "Ids in the backpacks?"
Me: "Yup."
Paul: "Well, alright."
He sorta shrugged and started walking in the correct direction to the boarding area, hands in his pockets, whistling.
About half an hour later, Paul Sr. and Harry reappeared. Paul Sr. whipped out his Brute For Men and practically bathed in it, trying to hide the smoke smell. Harry asked the question that seemingly no one cared about: "Where's the gruesome twosome?"
No sooner did he say that did we hear:
"HEY, I FOUND A PHONE MAYBE WE CAN CALL PAUL. OH. IS THAT ME? CACKLECACKLECACKLE. HEY MOMMA RUBEYE, I CAN HEAR MYSELF! CACKLECACKLECACKLE. HEY, IF ANY YA'LL KNOW WHERE MY COUSIN PAUL IS, WE NEED TO GET ON THE...HEY. HEY! LEGGO! I needddd.........
Yes, Rubeye Anne found a phone that was a terminal loudspeaker. She thought it was hilarious to hear herself on the speakers. The end of the conversation was when a security guard yanked the phone out of her hand, yelling at her to stop playing with airport property.
She and The Grandmother were eventually led back to us. What a shame. I would have left them there if I could.
When it was time for boarding, they actually let our entire party on at once. A miracle in itself! I sat in the very front row of the plane since I needed the leg room. My husband sat next to me, The Grandmother behind him and Rubeye Anne behind me. I think Paul Sr. and Harry sat in the middle somewhere. Paul Sr. was actually behaving, and I should have known it was too good to be true, since after we landed in Vegas he exploded into an embarrassing man.
At any rate, the plane took off, and we didn't hear much from the Cackling Kooks behind out. I pulled out the DVD player, set it up with two pairs of headphones for my hubby and myself, and started watching "John Q".
At least we attempted it.
About twenty minutes into the movie, I felt something hot and wet on the back of my neck. After swatting at the feeling a few times, I turned around and saw Rubeye Anne's porky nose and eye crammed between the seats, staring at me.
I shrieked and jumped. I wasn't expecting to see THAT.
Apparently she was trying to watch the movie with us. From the point on, she'd yell out, "What's he doin'? Hey! Why'd he shoot that guy? Where's the baby?" Blah, blah, blah! She constantly breathed on me and kept sticking her arm through the seats to try and grab the screen.
After an hour of that, I turned the DVD player off.
"Can I watch it?" Porky eye looking back through the seat.
"The batteries died," I snapped.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't buy batteries that will die, then." was her reply.
The woman is truly stupid, believe me.
The Grandmother spent a good chunk of that flight into Vegas snoring. A few people glared at her a few times, but who is going to wake up an old woman?
As we began our descent into Vegas, the pilot came over the loudspeaker telling us we could see the Strip in a few minutes out of the window. Well, poor Rubeye Anne couldn't see it and let everyone on the plane know it. "I can't see it! What's it look like? Why is it called the Strip? Oh, lordy, I think that Egg Muffin is coming back!" She bolted for the bathroom, only to be told that she had to remain seated for the remainder of the flight.
The Egg Muffin was trying hard to say hello to us.
Yet another memory permanently burned into my mind is that smell. I'm sure not only did the passengers remember, but the plane seat as well.
The attendant said after we landed she could use the plane's restroom. As soon as the fasten seatbelt sign came off, she bolted into the bathroom. Before the door had closed, she had whipped off her pants and underwear and mooned whoever was watching her.
(Shuddering)
I feel bad for anyone who chose to get off of the plane then. The bathroom was in the very front of the plane, and anyone walking by not only smelled but heard her arguing with that Egg Muffin.
I was more than grateful to be off of the plane. I was one of the last ones off. I stood in the Las Vegas terminal, took in a deep breath, and breathed in Las Vegas. Ahhh.....
I was then promptly mowed down by the wheelchair from behind.
All I remember seeing as I fell to the floor was a shoe running by my head.
Velcro straps still flappin' in the wind.
Part three: Checking in is so hard to do! coming tomorrow!
In true Rubeye Anne form, she and The Grandmother were the first off of the plane. If there was ever a stampede to be seen, it should have been that one those two caused. They INSISTED on being the first off of the plane (remember....we had a 3 hour layover before the next flight!) instead of sitting patiently in their seats for us (we had all managed to sit in the very back of the plane). So, the flight attendants held up the line so The Grandmother could slllooowwwwlllllyyyy get up out of her seat; ssllllooooooowwwlllllllyyyyy get into the wheelchair; sllllooooowwwwwlllllllyyyyy take her bags off of her seat; sllloooowwwwllllyyyyyy put them in her lap.
Now, if this were just any older person, I wouldn't have cared. But, good lord! I've seen The Grandmother do a dead run in a packed restaurant once when she thought someone was going to touch her flowers at her Christmas party (yet another story for another day). She's a spring chicken, for sure. But she apparently liked acting the part of The Old Woman, and man...it was getting a little annoying.
Rubeye Anne was still sitting in her seat.
Still trying to figure out how to get those Velcro sneakers to work.
Finally, they got off of the plane. A small cheer went up throughout the antsy crowd, and a human stampede began. It took all of three seconds for that plane to completely empty after Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum got off.
As expected, they wanted to RUN, RUN RUN! to the next boarding area, but the rest of us did not. As The Grandmother started to dictate how we needed to be at the gate as early as possible, Rubeye Anne cuts in:
"Oh, Momma Rubeye...ohhhh....that Egg Muffin is tryin' to get out. I need to use the toilet. I needn't eat Eat Muffin's anymore. This happens all of the time. Remember when I had the explosive runs at church? This is JUST like that." First off, it's an Egg MCMuffin. Secondly, I'm sure half of that airport did not need to know that a McMuffin is making you have to go to the bathroom. Third....well....explosive runs. I kid you not, I couldn't begin to make this stuff up. She apparently had no shame.
So, off they trot to the bathroom. Excuse the pun. My dad used to call it "the trots" and I just realized that. Hahahaha. Anyways
The Grandmother wanted to push ahead in front of the line so they could get to their boarding gate, so Rubeye Anne proceeds to run over toes, cut in line, and ATTEMPT to get that stupid wheelchair into the tiny doorway.I thought for sure someone was going to kill the both of them right there.
They managed to squeeze the wheelchair into the bathroom somehow. I know this particular bathroom wasn't really made to handle a wheelchair, but they were bound and determined to make it work. Unfortunately, it caused a mile long backup in the line, as no one else could get in.
As the four of us waited outside of the Ladies room for them, we heard odd, echoey sounds. At first, it sounded a bit like someone turned the speaker in the terminal on, and you were hearing the weird, static-y sounds from that. Oh, no. Rubeye Anne was fighting with that Egg Muffin of hers; "GET OUT OF THERE!" To this day I giggle uncontrollably when someone yells, "GET OUT OF THERE!"
Of course, Paul Sr. (who has been oddly quiet this entire time) had to ask if everything came out okay when they emerged from the bathroom, quite odorific. Rubeye Anne played it off, but she did look slightly embarrassed.
At this point of time, Paul Sr. decided that he needed a smoke. Thing is, he isn't ALLOWED to smoke, but he still does. He had throat cancer the year before, and the doctor nearly threatened him if he started smoking again. He obviously didn't listen. He pretended like he no longer smoked, and attempted to hide it from The Grandmother. Please. How many times have you smelled a smoker? How could anyone not know what you've been up to? He and Harry ducked into a smoking room in the terminal before The Grandmother saw them.
The Grandmother lost sight of her beloved son for a split second and couldn't find him. Rubeye Anne looked around in a panic, thinking the plane (still 3 hours away) was going to take off without Paul Sr. and Harry. She looked behind her, and waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy off into the crowd there was a man that could have sorta maybe looked like her cousin. She wheeled the wheelchair around so quickly she nearly took out a little boy. " PAUL! SLOW YOUR A** DOWN AND WAIT FOR US! PAUL!!!!!"
Velcro straps still flappin' in the wind.
I realized right then and there that Rubeye Anne and The Grandmother had taken off in the wrong direction. Was I going to say anything? Ohhhh....no. I did mention it to my husband.
Paul: "You got the backpack?"
Me: "Yup."
Paul: "Tickets in the backpack?"
Me: "Yup."
Paul: "Ids in the backpacks?"
Me: "Yup."
Paul: "Well, alright."
He sorta shrugged and started walking in the correct direction to the boarding area, hands in his pockets, whistling.
About half an hour later, Paul Sr. and Harry reappeared. Paul Sr. whipped out his Brute For Men and practically bathed in it, trying to hide the smoke smell. Harry asked the question that seemingly no one cared about: "Where's the gruesome twosome?"
No sooner did he say that did we hear:
"HEY, I FOUND A PHONE MAYBE WE CAN CALL PAUL. OH. IS THAT ME? CACKLECACKLECACKLE. HEY MOMMA RUBEYE, I CAN HEAR MYSELF! CACKLECACKLECACKLE. HEY, IF ANY YA'LL KNOW WHERE MY COUSIN PAUL IS, WE NEED TO GET ON THE...HEY. HEY! LEGGO! I needddd.........
Yes, Rubeye Anne found a phone that was a terminal loudspeaker. She thought it was hilarious to hear herself on the speakers. The end of the conversation was when a security guard yanked the phone out of her hand, yelling at her to stop playing with airport property.
She and The Grandmother were eventually led back to us. What a shame. I would have left them there if I could.
When it was time for boarding, they actually let our entire party on at once. A miracle in itself! I sat in the very front row of the plane since I needed the leg room. My husband sat next to me, The Grandmother behind him and Rubeye Anne behind me. I think Paul Sr. and Harry sat in the middle somewhere. Paul Sr. was actually behaving, and I should have known it was too good to be true, since after we landed in Vegas he exploded into an embarrassing man.
At any rate, the plane took off, and we didn't hear much from the Cackling Kooks behind out. I pulled out the DVD player, set it up with two pairs of headphones for my hubby and myself, and started watching "John Q".
At least we attempted it.
About twenty minutes into the movie, I felt something hot and wet on the back of my neck. After swatting at the feeling a few times, I turned around and saw Rubeye Anne's porky nose and eye crammed between the seats, staring at me.
I shrieked and jumped. I wasn't expecting to see THAT.
Apparently she was trying to watch the movie with us. From the point on, she'd yell out, "What's he doin'? Hey! Why'd he shoot that guy? Where's the baby?" Blah, blah, blah! She constantly breathed on me and kept sticking her arm through the seats to try and grab the screen.
After an hour of that, I turned the DVD player off.
"Can I watch it?" Porky eye looking back through the seat.
"The batteries died," I snapped.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't buy batteries that will die, then." was her reply.
The woman is truly stupid, believe me.
The Grandmother spent a good chunk of that flight into Vegas snoring. A few people glared at her a few times, but who is going to wake up an old woman?
As we began our descent into Vegas, the pilot came over the loudspeaker telling us we could see the Strip in a few minutes out of the window. Well, poor Rubeye Anne couldn't see it and let everyone on the plane know it. "I can't see it! What's it look like? Why is it called the Strip? Oh, lordy, I think that Egg Muffin is coming back!" She bolted for the bathroom, only to be told that she had to remain seated for the remainder of the flight.
The Egg Muffin was trying hard to say hello to us.
Yet another memory permanently burned into my mind is that smell. I'm sure not only did the passengers remember, but the plane seat as well.
The attendant said after we landed she could use the plane's restroom. As soon as the fasten seatbelt sign came off, she bolted into the bathroom. Before the door had closed, she had whipped off her pants and underwear and mooned whoever was watching her.
(Shuddering)
I feel bad for anyone who chose to get off of the plane then. The bathroom was in the very front of the plane, and anyone walking by not only smelled but heard her arguing with that Egg Muffin.
I was more than grateful to be off of the plane. I was one of the last ones off. I stood in the Las Vegas terminal, took in a deep breath, and breathed in Las Vegas. Ahhh.....
I was then promptly mowed down by the wheelchair from behind.
All I remember seeing as I fell to the floor was a shoe running by my head.
Velcro straps still flappin' in the wind.
Part three: Checking in is so hard to do! coming tomorrow!
