Very sticky gift-giving question

[grinningghost]

Would you give a gift to a teenage relative that:

1. Doesn't attend school regularly
2. Smokes
3. Drinks and does drugs
4. Disrespects her family?

As you might have guessed, I have a relative that fits that bill. My MIL has a problem with our not giving her gifts anymore. I don't think she deserves a gift. What would you do?

 

[RUDisney]

If your MIL thinks you should give a gift, perhaps it could be a Bible, or some other equally religious text.

 

[peg2001]

How about giving a helping hand? She may very well not be ready to receive it now but maybe someday. Let her know that if she decides that she doesn't like how she is living her life, that you'd be willing to give her a hand in getting straightened out. It might be easier for her to come to you than to her parents and admit that she's been wrong.

Just a thought!
Peggy

 

[believe]

I think you should only give gifts you want to give. There should not be expectations. Also, if I was to give this individual a gift I would probably find a gift that I would hope would get them on the right track. Maybe an inspirational book. I can't really say what I would do until I was in the exact situation.

 

[CBRorBust]

I know this will probably just be my opinion, but...


I think it really depends on how close you are to her (or not sure if you have a family) or how close one of your children is/husband is to her.

You may not agree with the choices that she is making, and I'm sure the majority of people on here will not either, but that still doesn't make her family. Ya know?

Sometimes people do think that they can't explain for whatever reason, or do them out of desperation. So I don't really know what to tell you except use your gut instinct. If it is telling you no, then don't buy the gift.

 

[phorsenuf]

I have a friend kinda in the same boat. What about movie passes or fast food GC.

 

[caitycaity]

how about an ozzy osbourne cd?

seriously, i would probably still buy him/her something. those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. there were probably times in my life when i did not "deserve" a gift either.

 

[grinningghost]

Originally posted by caitycaity

seriously, i would probably still buy him/her something. those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. there were probably times in my life when i did not "deserve" a gift either.

That's the part that drives me nuts. I KNOW there were times in my life when I didn't deserve a gift, but I still got them. I think if someone had held back a little more, maybe I would have straightened out sooner.

 

[caitycaity]

in all honesty, i was a very stubborn teenager. if someone hadn't given me a gift due to my behavior, there is no way that my behavior would have improved. i probably just would have gotten worse.

i think you need to do what you feel is best, but also weigh thaht against any issues this might cause in the family.

 

[Lewski709]

She will straighten out when she is ready, not when someone tells her she is or because she isn't getting a gift. Remember when your mom and dad nagged you about "whatever" and you did something even more, because they weren't right? Until she decides it's a good time to straighten up.....she won't.

If you would buy her a gift if she was sweet as pie, you should buy her a gift. No one should make you feel obligated to buy her something though. Maybe she will appreciate that you appreciate her and that may flip her switch. You never know.

Bath and body works shower gel/lotion, Mc Donalds gift certificates (you can register them on upromise for yourself), movie passes, mall gift certificate, there has be something she likes that you know about and could buy.

Good luck!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by caitycaity
in all honesty, i was a very stubborn teenager. if someone hadn't given me a gift due to my behavior, there is no way that my behavior would have improved. i probably just would have gotten worse.

I agree with cati. As a teenager I probably would have had the "I'll show them" attitude.

 

[DoeWDW]

There is some merit to showing someone love that doesn't deserve it, especially at Christmas, considering the origins of the holiday.

With that said, I would certainly try to give a gift that would help her get on the right track rather than contribute to her misbehavior.

Good luck in your decision!

 

[tlgoblue]

I am wondering how close you are to this relative? Maybe a role model is what is needed. That would be a great gift. If you're not that close, then I don't see what giving a gift, no matter what this person is like, would mean. If you are that close, give a gift of understanding, patience, and most important, of yourself. It sounds like you have a great concern for this child, which would imply you do care. Let this child know that. Not every gift comes in wrapping paper.

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[Bichon Barb]

I don't mean to sound like a preacher, but come on! This is Christmas we are talking about. The birth of Christ--the guy who taught forgiveness? Wouldn't giving a gift show unconditional love? And isn't up to her parents to discipline her, i.e. not give gifts as a punishment for her behavior?

 

[grinningghost]

That's the whole problem Barb. I gave so much of my time and my life to this kid, who has been troubled pretty much since she was a little. I'm kind of at the end of my rope. The last gift I gave her - a new bed - she ruined by burning it with cigarette holes within one month. She shows no gratitude for anything. I would love to help her, and God knows, I've tried. By the way, she's a niece and was super close with my daughter for years - until she turned bad. That killed my daughter to see her cousin destroying herself and our family, so she no longer speaks to her.

I guess I'll probably give in and get her something, but it's just so hard to do.

 

[tlgoblue]

I can see your frustration. (A new Bed? WOW!) I had an aunt that saw right through me when I was a somewhat troubled teen. What she saw was herself, and extended to me unconditional acceptance as a person, but not my actions. I guess she must have had a pulse on what I was going through and maybe did what she thought would have helped her as a troubled child. I don't know. However, I did cherish EVERYTHING she ever gave me. (I still can't get over the bed thing!) I thought we had a very special bond, and I would never jeopardize that. (She ultimately betrayed my trust and blabbed something to my mother, only after I was grown and Married! ) PD to your niece, and for you, no matter what you decide!

Keep the Faith!
Tracy

 

[Bichon Barb]

Yup, this situation stinks.

 

[moinab]

When someone is on drugs, you are no longer dealing with the person, but the drugs, which eclipse the person inside.

It sounds like you might benefit from a support group, such as Al-Anon, for the loved ones of addicts.

Personally, I would not continue to give gifts to someone who showed such disrespect to me. It doesn't mean you don't love her anymore, but love yourself enough to demand respect. This doesn't have to do with forgiveness, but with enabling behavior.

Best of luck to you. Drugs are hell on earth.

 

[momof2inPA]

My aunt did stop giving me presents when I was a bratty teen. It did nothing to change my attitude toward anything but her-- I could not stand her for years. Honestly, I was a bad kid and my parents were going through a really rough time.

Now, my aunt and I are friendly, and she did end up teaching me a wonderful lesson about relatives and tolerance.

Merry Christmas

 

[Cruisin]

Are you going to a gathering where everyone will be getting gifts.
If you are buying gifts for everyone else will you only be leaving her out.
I don't think that would be a good idea, no matter how rotten the person is. She will only feel more unloved and unwanted (even if it is not true).
I may be in the minority but I would say get her the gift, maybe not to the extent that you would have in the past but you should get her something.
Maybe what she really needs is to know that she has unconditional love and support no matter how rotten she is. You are her aunt not her mother and I personally believe that grandparents and aunts and uncles are there for unconditional love and support. Sometimes that goes a long ways towards setting someone on the right path.