Very OT but need to vent or whatever

[Raenstoirm]

Ok, my best friend (male) is getting married. When a friend gets married, it is normally a great thing (what a wonderful future they have) or awful (this will be a divorce in no time), but in this case it is neither.

My fiancé and Ryan were friends in high school. When I came into the picture in college, the three of us became inseparable. Even after my fiancé and I started dating, not much changed. The three of us would hang out a few times a week and often we would include Ryan's current girl. All was good. Two years ago, Ryan started dating an awful girl. My fiancé and I did not like her at all (not that we told him that), so we were honestly happy when they broke up despite how hard it was for him. She was not good for him. Within a few weeks he had a new girl (the rebound). That was last May. Jess was fine for a rebound girl and we never expected her to hang around long. So weren't we surprised when a few weeks ago, Ryan tells us they are engaged! Around here, the "pattern" as it were, is date, move-in and then get engaged. They have yet to move in together. When we heard the news, we were happy for him. She is a very nice girl. Now here is where the problem comes in that I cant move past. When we met up with them the weekend after they got engaged, I was all a flutter with sharing wedding planning with Ryan's fiancé. Low and behold they planned on getting married in JUNE! Not June 2009, but 4 months away June. As one who is planning a wedding, I know first hand that in order to get the "best" of things you have to book 12 months in advance sometimes 18! And they were doing in it 4! Yesterday we got the announcement and it turns out the wedding is now in MAY! When I pushed them as to why the short engagement, the answer I got was about her maid of honor. The maid of honor (her sister) is in school in CA and will be graduating in May. She will be home for the summer, but will be returning to CA to go back to school in the fall. What makes no sense about this answer is that her sister will be home a matter of days before the wedding (since most college graduations are mid to late May). That means the maid of honor will not be there for the bridal shower that she is supposed to host, or the bachelorette party or even to help with the wedding or pick out the bridesmaids outfits! They are picking them out online since the sister is in CA. I don't understand why there are not getting married in August when the maid of honor could actually be part of the planning or even next year, since taking a day off from school/work really isn't a big deal to go to your sisters wedding. Nether the bride or the groom can answer that question. My first thought is that she is pregnant, but she would be 5 months by the wedding and would show. And neither is religious or traditional, so we are not dealing with a "no ding ding until a wedding ring" thing either. And they have never showed any signs of be "so in love" as to have to get married right away. I like the girl, and if they were getting married in 2009 or august (so the sister excuse would make sense) or something, I would just think they were quick to get engaged and move on and be happy for them. And even more intriguing, they are not taking a honeymoon since they don't have enough vacation days. Yet another reason to wait till next year when they have the time off! There is something not right about this and it really bothers me .

 

[Lisa]

Despite your feelings, there is really little you can do but wish them well. It's good for you to vent, and better to us then to them. Hopefully they will have a long and happy marriage.

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

I can't really help you there. DH and I met Dec 4 1993 and were married April 24, 1994. He got orders to Hawaii and we threw a wedding together in a week.
And this April we will be married 15 years!

The best of the best isn't necessarily what everyone wants. I love that you want the best for your friend but to each is own. If they are having an intimate wedding then they don't need all the craziness. In fact we had my BFF's wedding planned out so well we moved the date up by 3 months, we were ahead of the game.
Really the only advice I can give is to be supportive and vent to us not them. Hope and pray they are not making a mistake.

 

[JandJ]

It's not that short a time. My parents met and were married in 5 months and were happily married for 45 years. DH and I met in April 2004, were engaged 9 months later, and married 9 months after that (and it would have been sooner but I really wanted an autumn wedding). I also have a friend who put together a fabulous wedding in less than 3 weeks because her DH was getting shipped out for a 6-month tour. She couldn't have planned a nicer wedding if she'd had a year to do it. So a very nice wedding doesn't have to take a year to plan, especially if they're doing something intimate with close family and friends.

I agree with the other responses, it's nice that you're concerned about your friend, but just be supportive, help out if you can (can you help throw a small shower or bachelorette party?), be happy for them, and don't let them know you have any doubts or issues about it - it's their day.

 

[Camicar]

Why do you care so much about the details of their wedding?

You are waaaay over invested in something that is none of your business.

You are projecting your own needs and desires on other people, which is always a bad idea. Their idea of a good wedding is not yours -- get over it.

Focus on your own life, show up at the wedding and wish them well. Period.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

Here is another one with a very short engagement period. We dated for about a year, he proposed in August and wanted to be married right away. We were married in October in Pigeon Forge with a very no fills wedding. My folks, his folks & a couple I knew from work who were nice enough to drive up from Atlanta to wish us well. Oh, a three day honeymoon. No showers, no bachlorette party, no reception (dinner in Gatlinburg) and best of all, no family headaches. That was worth it all.

We will be married 12 years this October.

 

[PrincessNancy96]

Here's another w/ a short engagement...
DH proposed in Dec..we were married the following April.. it will be 12 years!!
No frills wedding/justice of the peace.. no reception, no showers..not even for my babies... heck we didn't even have a honeymoom, we joke that we are waiting for our kids to grow up and leave the house! (However, I met DH when I was 16... so we have known one another for 20+ years)

I would say support your friend Ryan..the last thing you want to do is lose a friendship that you have had for years..

 

[Raenstoirm]

That is the interesting thing. It is a BIG wedding. Bigger than mine in fact. They are planning on 150 people at a yacht club with all the frills including a custom wedding gown. Yet neither of them seems overly interested in the event. Jess and I went to a bridal show two weeks ago and the only feedback I got from her was "oh my moms taking care of that" (as in cake, flowers, DJ, all of it). Even talking about her dress (we are both having custom ones done), I asked what she wanted hers to look like and she said whatever the seamstress choses! Why bother paying for a custom one then? It seems they would be happier eloping! Eloping is a different animal. Honestly at this point my fiancé and I are seriously considering eloping! We are all pushing 30, so we are not kids and yet we "still have time" on that ol' biological clock. I don't get the rush. (oh and on that topic, he wants children, she doesn't. I am not even going to touch that!)

You all seemed to touch on a fear of mine. When you spouses were shipped out via the military what warning time did they get?? Ryan is a reservist. All my other military friends had already been deployed, including a husband and wife so that their children (ages 3 and 1) are in the custody of the grandparents for 2 years!, (but that is a whole nother vent of mine). Could he know he is being shipped out this summer and is to scared to tell us?

My other fear is that Jess is sick. As a teen she had some major medical issues including having brain surgery. What if it has come back and they aren't ready to tell us? And if so, I question why they are waiting for May when she has little interest in a big wedding. Why don't they just get married now?

I have to say though, I love this board. Every "real" person I have told this to has asked me when the baby is due. More and more, I don't think she is pregnant at all.

You all think their timeline is normal. Although around here, it is very odd, it makes me feel better to know that it is not in other parts of the country.

And as for why I am so concerned with this, Ryan is my best friend. i have known him for many years and my fiancé has know him for many more than me. He is not one to make rash decisions. It took him a year after getting his masters degree to move out of his mother's house, despite a large income. As he said, leaving home is a big deal and he wanted to take his time. Apparently marriage is not quite as big a deal. This is so out of character for him. I dont think he is making a mistake per say, it is just so out of character it is alarming.

 

[Fran98765]

Not everyone wants a big fancy wedding. My engagement lasted a whole 2 months, although we had dated about 14 months. We didn't want showers and parties and announcements and all the fancy princess dream stuff. Maybe your friends don't care about that stuff either.

Either way, it isn't for you to judge their wedding. If you do, you will find yourself with 1 less friend. Do not feel that there is a wedding competition between you both either, that will just hurt things worse. You make your wedding how you want to, and make sure they attend, and they will do their wedding how THEY want to. And you better attend theirs with a big smile and a heart full of love that day!

ETA: Since we posted at the same time, I see she's having a big wedding. If she has her mom and others to take care of things for her, why are YOU worrying about it? If she has problems with the dress/caterer/whatever they are HER problems not yours. I know you want the best for your friend, but you need to keep your nose out of it. You have enough to worry with your own wedding!

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

Maybe it isn't your friend or his fiancee's doing. Maybe it is HER mother. Could it be that her mother has her heart set on doing this huge wedding and the daughter is just along for the ride? That your friend and his girl know the wedding is not destination it is just the starting point and they are more focused on their life together so let the mother enjoy doing this part?

It's okay to be concerned for things out of character. Vent away here. We are a safe outlet for you. You just be there for him and her the way they need to be and we be here for you.

 

[nicurn]

perhaps she doesn't want to talk about it to you because she can sense how you are feeling? I never had conversations about my wedding with my husband's best friends even though we did all hang out. Why would I have a conversation with their girlfriends about it? I discussed it with my friends and my family. It's totally possible to pull of a wedding in very little time and really it's about what they want. Maybe she isn't comfortable with all the attention to her wedding from you? (I'm really sorry if this is coming off snotty, I'm not trying to be mean) Plan your wedding and don't worry about their's would be my advice. maggie

 

[notes4theheart]

I met my DH in November 2005, got engaged in January 2007, and we were married in June 2007. The only reason we waited till June is because I wanted to finish by Degree first (a promise I made myself).

The rest of my friends and family thought I was crazy and had rushed things, but I don't see it that way. They may have their own reasons. I know we didn't seem that excited over our wedding (80 people on Park Avenue in NYC with a custom designed (by me) dress), but that was mainly since we were managing how to pay for it, my DH was arranging to move to NJ, and I was bogged down with 5 Math classes.

I mean, I married a composer/chemistry teacher whose almost as Disney Crazed as I am. (The composer/chem teacher fits so well since I'm a Math teacher/artist).

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

now I see there is more to the story. Hmmm. Ok the whole he wants kids she doesn't is a huge sticking point for me. It could bring up some resentment in the future on both sides depending on what course they choose. And the not having a vested interest in the detail of said wedding sounds off. It sounds like she is either allowing her mother to run her life (as in you can't live with him unless you are married) or they like the idea of a wedding(especially with your description) not the reality of a marriage.

If you and Ryan are as close as you think I would take a guess that he would tell you if he is getting orders or is sick. Although the no honeymoon is a red flag for deployment. DH and I spent our Honeymoon driving to GA (to get his stuff) and Hawaii.

Maybe he is so in love with this girl that he has the blinders on. Not much you can do about that, just be there for him if or when it falls apart. If you push the issue though you will most likely lose him as a friend. So bite your tongue if you can.
How does your fiance feel about the whole thing? They are pretty close, have they talked?

 

[Raenstoirm]

Jen. Your wedding sounds awesome and very stressful! In terms of my own wedding I was chatting with one of my bridesmaids last night about ditching the whole thing and going somewhere tropical to elope. Some days I am sooo tempted!

It could be the future mother in law spearheading all of. I know that Ryan hates Jess's mother and he is not shy about saying it around us (but he never mentions it to Jess, again none of my business). Ryan and Jess took a trip up to NJ (where she is from) for him to meet her family. Part of the 5 day trip was a "rest" in the middle of the trip with a romantic day in NYC just the two of them, well mommy went along too and took over the day. Lets just say Ryan was none too happy with that and I received some very interesting text messages during the trip from him.

With that said, everybody has problems with their in-laws (and if you dont I am not going to tell you how much I hate you! ). I personally feel like I am living inside Everybody Loves Raymond some days when my future MIL starts. And i fully admit that my own mother is insane and she is an added bonus my fiancé gets to inherit for the rest of his life

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

yep, sounds like the over bearing MIL with a daughter with no back bone. But Ryan needs to stand his ground now or it will be too late. Cause it sounds like the MIL will be there EVERY step of the way. Is that something he can handle?

My MIL almost destroyed our marriage, because I wasn't a dainty southern belle that she wanted for her son. I am the furthest thing from it. LOL DH essentially had to choose between us. She is better now but I can only deal with her in small doses.

 

[Raenstoirm]

Ryan is "odd."He is a difficult one to figure out. A few years back he went through a phase where he wouldn’t tell us no. If he couldn’t come over, or didn’t want to, he would just not answer the phone or return messages. This lasted 6 months. We never did figure out why. When I would ask about it, he would look at me like I had two heads or something! Then of course there was the few weeks’ right after my fiancé and I started dating where he got really passive aggressive. While playing mini-golf one day he hit me so hard with his golf ball it left a mark on my leg including the divots! He also hit me with a flip-flop and left a flip flop outline on me that bruised horribly. We were 19 and he was “sorry” both times. I chalked it up as his anger towards me for changing the status quo of the three of us. He got over it.
Ryan used to tell me everything, even stuff no guy should tell a girl in general. He and I would sit and talk for hours, and when I went home for summer break while in college we would talk for 6 hours straight on the phone. But then life caught up with us and we no longer had hours and hours. We only see each other once a week or so now. It used to be EVERY day. So in the last few years he and I have not had much alone time (my fiancé or one of his girl friends are around). I did find it strange though, Ryan called me three times just to chat right before they got engaged. He usually only calls to say he is coming over or to arrange to come over, never just to chat. We just bulls**ted for an hour each time! He never brought up Jess (although he did vent about the NYC trip). I mentioned it to my fiancé each time with a "its weird Ryan and I chatted for an hour today," but I didn’t think anything of it until we got the news. He might have been trying to get my feel for Jess, or get advice on how to propose (he really should have used a little female advice as it wasn’t as romantic as he had hoped) or trying to tell me something else. It was also weird, we had dinner with them on Friday and he went down memory lane HARD. “Do you guys remember when we did this, and this and this.” The entire dinner was rehashing memories. I felt bad for Jess since she was such an outsider. This weekend she is gone, so maybe I can get him alone and see what I can dig out of him.

As for Ryan and my fiancé they are “best” friends, but they aren’t close. I guess blame it on being masculine. They have never “talked.” The day jess and I went to the bridal show, the boys went to a car show and my fiancé said that Ryan seemed odd and nervous and “scared s**tless” about the wedding/ marriage thing. That is man-speak so I have no idea what was actually said, if anything, about the topic.

 

[Raenstoirm]

As for dealing with an overbearing MIL, no he cant handle it. He deals with emotion oddly and if things go bad he will turn passive aggressive and make Jess's life miserable. Besides of course destroying himself in the process.

Oh and that was something Jess mentioned to me. Right now we live 4 hours from our families (we grew up near each other although not in the same town). She said should would like to move "home" to be near her family someday. I didn't think much of it as I would love to go back to my family as well (blame it on being a Jersey girl), but my fiancé will have nothing to do with the state of NJ so that is out. If Ryan keeps his "dislike" to himself they will be in NJ in no time. Good news there though, is maybe I can convince my fiancé to move up there too since the three of us cant split up! Not likely!

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

I wonder if he is waiting for you to tell him not to do it. Looking for an out?
Odd behavior indeed. From the anger issues down to the purposely alienating Jess at dinner. You might just have to sit him down and tell him "out with it" "spill it" "dude, what is up with you!"

AHHA!! I was waiting for the move home line. Not surprising if mom is planning the wedding why not plan the rest of her life too. He needs to get out now!

honestly it sounds like he has issues and needs to do some real soul searching and growing up before making that kind of commitment. Maybe he feels that he needs someone since you are "being taken away". Did he like you at one point? I only ask because in high school my 2 BFF's were guys and they were friends too. I dated both of them at some point (not at the same time) but things were never the same. Today none of us are on speaking terms.

 

[notes4theheart]

In terms of my own wedding I was chatting with one of my bridesmaids last night about ditching the whole thing and going somewhere tropical to elope. Some days I am sooo tempted!

I begged my DH daily to cancel and Elope...anywhere...LOL. But he and my maid of honor kept talking me out of it. Now, my MoH is getting married in August and she desperately wants to elope. Needless to say, I won't allow it.

The wedding was fun, but not really worth all my stress. The dress was worth every moment

 

[Raenstoirm]

the crush thing is actually something I considered (especially when being beaten with odd things). If he did have a crush on me then i was horrible to him and i am surprised he even talks to me still! Let me just preface this little story, by say we were 19 so the little things were way more important. It was me and Ryan and DF and my boyfriend and their girlfriends. Somewhere along the line I realized I was in love with DF, but he had a girlfriend i was friends with! So I couldn't admit this. I did tell Ryan and he kept my mentally afloat during this time while I cried over what would never be. Ryan kind of jumped girls a lot, so for a while we would "double date," Ryan and I and DF and his girlfriend and I would call Ryan after the "date" was over and just cry over my broken heart. If he thought we were actually having double dates, it is no wonder he was so angry with me.

I want him to be happy and this girl is the second best he has ever dated, sick way to put it, but true. (My favorite was a girl he dated in college, but i gave up hoping they would get back together years ago). I just wish i knew what was going through his head!!!