Very disturbing email from a professor to my DS in college

[Liberty Belle]

It occurs to me that maybe the 18 y/o may be a closetted gay himself. You did say the email was meant for the 18 y/o and accidentally found it's way into the 21 y/o's email account. Perhaps the 18 y/o is trying to keep up the "straight" persona at home and is only saying he's uncomfortable because that's what's expected of him?

It's possible, and since the older brother got the email, who knows what the younger brother would have done with it.

Professor / student relationships are usually discouraged, if not disallowed, but it's not like it doesn't happen. And maybe the younger son did some flirting with the professor before the email.

Of course this is all speculation.

OP, it sounds like you're a wonderful mother. I just think your view of the email is a bit skewed, but we all do what we can to keep our kids (even adult kids) unharmed.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Are you for real? Wow. I will pray for you.

OP, it's possible, isn't it? Of course, you know your son better than strangers on a board.

 

[Quiksilvr]

Are you for real? Wow. I will pray for you.

You're the one who came on here asking for "deeper meaning". I think what Carly gave you is the definition of "deeper meaning" extracted from no knowledge of the situation other than what you put in your original posts. You came here looking for speculation. You're getting it.

I am just floored that you didn't foresee this kind of reaction when you posted this on the site.

 

[Huggles]

"DD18 had 5 schools begging him to attend"


So is there a daughter involved or did I miss something?

Is there any possibility that the Prof's e-mail address has been hacked and used? I find it hard to believe that anyone in such a post is unaware of the risks/penalties involved in getting involved with a student and would be willing to risk his future employment.

As for trotting out all the wonderful achievements and free rides for the kids As you say they achieved it all without you, so why get involved now

 

[ogreenlee]

Are you for real? Wow. I will pray for you.

why wow, and why would you pray for her? i had given this same theory somet though, but i didn't have the guts to present it, and really didn't know (and still don't know) if it was inappropriate to present this theory or not. but...

what if he is gay? maybe you should start praying for yourself.

 

[Carly_Roach]

When I first read the fact that the Department Head told her that this specific professor is homosexual, I wondered if it was a small, private school myself. I just can't imagine that happening at a large, state-supported institution.

That's what I wonder, too. Especially since we're discussing a "very distinguished professor".

It can't be MSU because an investigation into the kind of allegation this parent is making would take at least a week. I can't see any other major university behaving any differently about allegations regarding sexual advances towards students taking less than a week to investigate, either.

It's gotta be a private school. Perhaps it's a religious private school if all the staff thought this was horrendous.

Are you for real? Wow. I will pray for you.

Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate that. I'll pray for you, too.

 

[mjkacmom]

It occurs to me that maybe the 18 y/o may be a closetted gay himself. You did say the email was meant for the 18 y/o and accidentally found it's way into the 21 y/o's email account. Perhaps the 18 y/o is trying to keep up the "straight" persona at home and is only saying he's uncomfortable because that's what's expected of him?

This is a possibility, especially with her ds's interests (music, dance). It seems like a lot of gay boys gravitate towards the arts (not that there is anything wrong with that!). Maybe the choir teacher (who probably has great gaydar), was just doing some harmless flirting. My dd is very involved in music and choirs, as well a theater, and there seems to be a larger population of homosexuals. This is not a blanket stereotype - ds12 is also a great singer, and will audition for concert choir next year, and he certainly doesn't dress well enough to be gay.

Regardless, a college student needs to handle professor problems on his or her own. If this was an email from his boss, mom wouldn't contact the head of the company, right? OP, it seems like 99% of posters feel you shouldn't have gotten involved. Can you admit there is a chance you handled it wrong. Doesn't mean you are a bad parent - we all make mistakes.

 

[fayt19]

Wow. OP, apparently you're an overbearing mother and your son is a closeted gay. Who knew?

I find it disturbing that people think they have the right to attack your parenting skills. People have to be so "politically correct" about everything now. "Oh, how dare the dean share the professor is gay." It's ridiculous. I won't share my views on that, though, as not to get flamed.

OP, my brother is in college. He's a senior now. He was younger than everyone else in his freshman class, as he skipped a grade when he was younger. Even if he had been 18, and a freshman, and received this email, my family and especially our mother would be VERY freaked out. My mother would either have emailed the dean, or told my brother to do it. I don't think you acted out of line at all. I DO think it's inappropriate, but even if it was not, that's why schools have a dean! To take care of the students and investigate matters like this!

Apparently people forget that freshman in college are still only eighteen years old. They're still babies, as far as I'm concerned. They have their whole lives to have to deal with mean bosses, and pay bills, and have to handle everything on their own. God gave them parents for a reason.

 

[Jennasis]

I think the e-mail was creepy.

I also think you over-reacted. Unless your son felt threatened by the choir teacher or uncomfortable, he should have ignored it. And if he did feel that way, HE should go to the dean.

I also think people are way out of line in general around here lately. Speculating on the sexual orientation of the OP's son just to make a point? Outrageous.

OP, the waters are chummed...swim away...swim far away.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Wow. OP, apparently you're an overbearing mother and your son is a closeted gay. Who knew?

I find it disturbing that people think they have the right to attack your parenting skills. People have to be so "politically correct" about everything now. "Oh, how dare the dean share the professor is gay." It's ridiculous. I won't share my views on that, though, as not to get flamed.

OP, my brother is in college. He's a senior now. He was younger than everyone else in his freshman class, as he skipped a grade when he was younger. Even if he had been 18, and a freshman, and received this email, my family and especially our mother would be VERY freaked out. My mother would either have emailed the dean, or told my brother to do it. I don't think you acted out of line at all. I DO think it's inappropriate, but even if it was not, that's why schools have a dean! To take care of the students and investigate matters like this!

It's not about being politically correct. A person's sexuality is a private matter. No one in a position of authority has a right to disclose that.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Wow. OP, apparently you're an overbearing mother and your son is a closeted gay. Who knew?

I find it disturbing that people think they have the right to attack your parenting skills. People have to be so "politically correct" about everything now. "Oh, how dare the dean share the professor is gay." It's ridiculous. I won't share my views on that, though, as not to get flamed.

OP, my brother is in college. He's a senior now. He was younger than everyone else in his freshman class, as he skipped a grade when he was younger. Even if he had been 18, and a freshman, and received this email, my family and especially our mother would be VERY freaked out. My mother would either have emailed the dean, or told my brother to do it. I don't think you acted out of line at all. I DO think it's inappropriate, but even if it was not, that's why schools have a dean! To take care of the students and investigate matters like this!

Apparently people forget that freshman in college are still only eighteen years old. They're still babies, as far as I'm concerned. They have their whole lives to have to deal with mean bosses, and pay bills, and have to handle everything on their own. God gave them parents for a reason.

Me too.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

It's gotta be a private school. Perhaps it's a religious private school if all the staff thought this was horrendous.

I had that thought, but I can't see a conservative religious school even hiring a gay professor (or keeping him on if they found out after he was hired that he was gay) since they couldn't be forced to do so.

 

[terri01p]

Wow. OP, apparently you're an overbearing mother and your son is a closeted gay. Who knew?

Hey you gotta love the dis, seriously where on earth could you get support like this and for free !

Didn't the son say that he was a little creeped out by this too???? If he were a "closet gay" wouldn't he just say " hey mom no big deal, drop it"?????

 

[EMom]

I'm with most of the others...I think you overreacted. First of all the email is not "very disturbing". Are you kidding? Second, I don't think calling someone cute in one email is sexual harassement whatsoever, male to male, male to female, doesn't matter.

Now, if it bothered your son your son should have handled it.

Also the powers that be work really quickly at that school, and they called you right back with the update no less. Wow. Small school?

Let me play Devil's advocate......

Maybe the administration jumped on this ASAP because it's not the first time the prof has sent an inappropriate email to a student. Maybe he has even crossed the line in other ways and they are on alert.

Maybe this prof had no ill intent, but OTHER profs have sent inappropriate emails in the past (or crossed the line with students in other ways) and the administration wants to nip any appearance of impropriety in the bud.

Just as the OP doesn't have all the facts, neither do we. There may very well be a good reason the uni acted with great haste......

Universities are fighting for every dollar they can get today. Donations are down. The last thing they need is the hint of a scandal. And what is on the news with increasing frequency? Educators hitting on students. It starts in junior high and high school, but continues in college. And if a college prof DOES hit on his/her student, that spells trouble for that school.

Colleges cannot afford to have profs sexually harassing students and they must stop well short of that by taking any warning sign seriously. A straight male college prof sending an email to an 18 y.o. female student, telling her she is cute is not something the uni wants to become public knowledge. It could be perceived as having a creepy factor. By the same token, a gay male prof sending an email to an 18 y.o. male student, telling him he is cute, would have the same potential creepy factor.......and the uni wants that to stay quiet as well. That's why they acted quickly. Maybe the prof meant absolutely NOTHING by it.....but it LOOKS bad to the public.......especially donors.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

My husband works at a university and it's reasons like this he documents EVERYTHING. Should he ever be alone with a student the door is open and the meeting is audio recorded. (There is a large sign indicating this and the students are all told ahead of time.) Even after class interactions are documented in a small note book. It's disturbing and frightening to see how quickly people are willing to string someone up...

Your DH is very wise.

As for the OP, I would let my child handle it. Certainly I would advise and guide, but it is time, at that age, to handle it.

Further, you are implying that anyone with screwed up kids sucks as a parent. I resent that. Sometimes crap happens and good parents have bad kids and bad parents have good kids.

 

[ogreenlee]

If the professor is distinguished, in his late 50s, and has been with the school for some time, then he is probably tenured.

He ain't goin' anywhere unless it's something major. Calling a boy cute ain't major. Sorry, but true.

 

[sbsteel]

DS18 is feeling very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I also think that sometimes when the parent (person paying the bill) calls they tend to "listen" and take action more. I was not on here to ask if I should handle it or my son. I just wondered if others thought that it was very inapprpriate and could have a deeper meaning.

Yes people I just really suck at parenting. Lets see, DS21 is graduating with honors and going on to med school to be a cardiologist. He had a full ride to a university for wrestling and academics that is $45.000 a year. DD18 had 5 schools begging him to attend. He is a musical genious as I was told, plays french horn, piano, trumpet, clainet and voice, won a dance scholarship and also had a full ride based on grades and talent. He is the only freshman that made it into the university's orchestra. DD12 well she is an accomplished equestrian and is an A student. They are very responsible, religious and confident kids. WOW, i really messed them up. And before you flame me again I never pushed them into anything they all just ound there talent on their own. I have awesome kids and I am a great Mom!

You're confusing your own story. First post says you pay the tuition, second post says he's on a full ride. Which one is it? Because, according to your logic, if he's on a full ride and you're not footing the bill, the administration shouldn't "listen and take action more."

 

[Jennasis]

Your DH is very wise.

As for the OP, I would let my child handle it. Certainly I would advise and guide, but it is time, at that age, to handle it.

Further, you are implying that anyone with screwed up kids sucks as a parent. I resent that. Sometimes crap happens and good parents have bad kids and bad parents have good kids.

Please...you people are grasping at straws. She implied nothing other than that she feels she did a good job raising her kids. Trying to turn it around like that is sad and desperate.

 

[ogreenlee]

If he is on a full scholarship, then he's an adult. Most universities, no matter who pays, treat their students as adults.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Please...you people are grasping at straws. She implied nothing other than that she feels she did a good job raising her kids. Trying to turn it around like that is sad and desperate.

This whole thread has become sad and desperate. The attacks on the OP are uncalled for and bizarre. Fine to disagree, but it's gone way beyond that. It's sunk to a new low even for the DIS.