VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[luvmy3]

You cannot have it both ways. You cannot tell a stepparent that you expect them to treat their stepchild "exactly like their own" and then say "oh, no you can't discipline the child". If a stepparent is going to spend time with the child and help raise the child then it should be all the way.

Dh disciplined my sons and their stepmother disciplined them when they were with her. Its not fair to either the kids or the stepparent to expect otherwise. Discipline can show love much more so than buying things ever can.

Amen

 

[KiKi Mouse]

I learned very early on that I am not the person that should do any of that. I am according to bm not allowed to have anything to do with the boys at all, she even tells them to not listen me and I am nothing.
The main problem is that I was never allowed to bond with the boys b/c bm made it very clear she didn;t want the boys to even like me so when they expressed they did in the beginning she would ground them adn yell at them and emotional drain them to the point the didn;t want anything to do with me. I understand and I felt so bad for them. I stepped out of the way and let them have a calm bm so they wouldn't get in trouble and think they have to defend me. So now that it has been 7 years we like each other and we do have fun together but they are not attached to me and I am to them in a way.

Where was their Dad in all of this. Why on earth would he let his ex wife run your household and dictate how things are with the kids? When he saw that his ex wife was interfering in your relationship with the kids and your family as a whole he should have stepped in and set boundaries and done something about it. Now it's been seven years and you don't have a close relationship with your stepkids. Sounds like there is a lot of animosity and a lot of hard feelings that go way back. You can't control what goes on outside of your home so make the best of what you have with all of your kids. Don't forget you are setting an example as a role model and your kids are learning how to handle things from you and their Dad.

 

[cheermom1]

Where was their Dad in all of this. Why on earth would he let his ex wife run your household and dictate how things are with the kids? When he saw that his ex wife was interfering in your relationship with the kids and your family as a whole he should have stepped in and set boundaries and done something about it. Now it's been seven years and you don't have a close relationship with your stepkids. Sounds like there is a lot of animosity and a lot of hard feelings that go way back. You can't control what goes on outside of your home so make the best of what you have with all of your kids. Don't forget you are setting an example as a role model and your kids are learning how to handle things from you and their Dad.

Dh is a peace a maker always has been. And I don;t think a lot of people really understand how she is. She has been told by the police that if she files one more false report she will be arrested. Same thing with dhs and child support. She talked things to the extreme and doesn't stop even when the courts and the police and everyone else tells her she has gone way too far. Dh only wanted it to stop for the sake of the kids. She has dragged the kids in on things that they should never be in. This is how heartless she is, she got mad at dh and called him on the phone and said listen to this, SS14 (but he was 8 at this time) Your dad is not your real dad and he doesn't care and your real dad signed his rights over so you don;t have a dad" ss14 was crushed and started crying right there. Like I said he was only 8 when that happened. That is how she thinks is going to get dh to do what she wants. She said from the beginning she was going to make the kids life a living he** to get what she wants and to make dh do what she wants. I mean if it were your kid wouldn't you want that to stop? Dh does what he has to to keep the peace but as time goes on we have been able to set boundaries and it has gotten better as the kids get older and express to their mom to stop.

Eta: Dh did adopt ss14 when he was 6 months old.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Dh is a peace a maker always has been. And I don;t think a lot of people really understand how she is. She has been told by the police that if she files one more false report she will be arrested. Same thing with dhs and child support. She talked things to the extreme and doesn't stop even when the courts and the police and everyone else tells her she has gone way too far. Dh only wanted it to stop for the sake of the kids. She has dragged the kids in on things that they should never be in. This is how heartless she is, she got mad at dh and called him on the phone and said listen to this, SS14 (but he was 8 at this time) Your dad is not your real dad and he doesn't care and your real dad signed his rights over so you don;t have a dad" ss14 was crushed and started crying right there. Like I said he was only 8 when that happened. That is how she thinks is going to get dh to do what she wants. She said from the beginning she was going to make the kids life a living he** to get what she wants and to make dh do what she wants. I mean if it were your kid wouldn't you want that to stop? Dh does what he has to to keep the peace but as time goes on we have been able to set boundaries and it has gotten better as the kids get older and express to their mom to stop.

Eta: Dh did adopt ss14 when he was 6 months old.

See this is what I REALLY don't get. If the courts and the police have told her to cut this stuff out and she does not and there is that kind of a record, I just don't see how at that point it would be impossible to get either full custody or at least something legal in writing about what she can and cannot have control over but you said earlier that the lawyers tell you it is not possible. I guess I reall don't understand the system--it is not just her word against your DHs-the courts and police say this too and you can do nothing legally to protect these children from such instability?! That is just terrible

 

[wdwfan16]

Dh is a peace a maker always has been. And I don;t think a lot of people really understand how she is. She has been told by the police that if she files one more false report she will be arrested. Same thing with dhs and child support. She talked things to the extreme and doesn't stop even when the courts and the police and everyone else tells her she has gone way too far. Dh only wanted it to stop for the sake of the kids. She has dragged the kids in on things that they should never be in. This is how heartless she is, she got mad at dh and called him on the phone and said listen to this, SS14 (but he was 8 at this time) Your dad is not your real dad and he doesn't care and your real dad signed his rights over so you don;t have a dad" ss14 was crushed and started crying right there. Like I said he was only 8 when that happened. That is how she thinks is going to get dh to do what she wants. She said from the beginning she was going to make the kids life a living he** to get what she wants and to make dh do what she wants. I mean if it were your kid wouldn't you want that to stop? Dh does what he has to to keep the peace but as time goes on we have been able to set boundaries and it has gotten better as the kids get older and express to their mom to stop.

Eta: Dh did adopt ss14 when he was 6 months old.

If that was me I would be in court getting full custody of the boys.

 

[cheermom1]

If that was me I would be in court getting full custody of the boys.

I can't only their dad can. according to the courts I have NO say what so ever only their parents do. Yes DH has been to court many times and the order has been revised lots of times but they keep giving her a chance to get her act together. It is pointless at this point. The boys are teens now and it just makes things worse on them. Like I said as time goes on it gets better. We are only trying to make things better for the boys. That is why I stepped back and dh handles her. He has told her more times than I can think of to keep my kids out of it and she has no say in what happens at our house. But alas she is always calling or texting what she thinks we should do or say or buy. Of course dh will ignore her b/c in the end we have control at our house. I am only saying that she keeps it up and doesn;t get the hint that she has no say at our house. Most of the time when you ignore some one they stop not her.

 

[wvjules]

It sounds like there a lot of issues here. I think most of them can be resolved by your DH manning up and telling his ex to knock it off. She continues to do it because he lets her get away with it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It sounds like there a lot of issues here. I think most of them can be resolved by your DH manning up and telling his ex to knock it off. She continues to do it because he lets her get away with it.

 

[DizBelle]

Dh is a peace a maker always has been. And I don;t think a lot of people really understand how she is. She has been told by the police that if she files one more false report she will be arrested. Same thing with dhs and child support. She talked things to the extreme and doesn't stop even when the courts and the police and everyone else tells her she has gone way too far. Dh only wanted it to stop for the sake of the kids. She has dragged the kids in on things that they should never be in. This is how heartless she is, she got mad at dh and called him on the phone and said listen to this, SS14 (but he was 8 at this time) Your dad is not your real dad and he doesn't care and your real dad signed his rights over so you don;t have a dad" ss14 was crushed and started crying right there. Like I said he was only 8 when that happened. That is how she thinks is going to get dh to do what she wants. She said from the beginning she was going to make the kids life a living he** to get what she wants and to make dh do what she wants. I mean if it were your kid wouldn't you want that to stop? Dh does what he has to to keep the peace but as time goes on we have been able to set boundaries and it has gotten better as the kids get older and express to their mom to stop.

Eta: Dh did adopt ss14 when he was 6 months old.

I can't imagine that whatever it would take through the court system to get full custody of the kids would be worse than the way it is now.

If your lawyer is saying it can't be done, it's time to get a new lawyer.

 

[wdwfan16]

I can't only their dad can. according to the courts I have NO say what so ever only their parents do. Yes DH has been to court many times and the order has been revised lots of times but they keep giving her a chance to get her act together. It is pointless at this point. The boys are teens now and it just makes things worse on them. Like I said as time goes on it gets better. We are only trying to make things better for the boys. That is why I stepped back and dh handles her. He has told her more times than I can think of to keep my kids out of it and she has no say in what happens at our house. But alas she is always calling or texting what she thinks we should do or say or buy. Of course dh will ignore her b/c in the end we have control at our house. I am only saying that she keeps it up and doesn;t get the hint that she has no say at our house. Most of the time when you ignore some one they stop not her.

The oldest is only 14. That is 4 more years of hell just for him. The youngest could be 8-10 and have up to 10 more years of this junk.

 

[phorsenuf]

It sounds like there a lot of issues here. I think most of them can be resolved by your DH manning up and telling his ex to knock it off. She continues to do it because he lets her get away with it.

Exactly this. Why a husband would allow his wife to be treated this way too is beyond me.

 

[Kathi OD]

Exactly this. Why a husband would allow his wife to be treated this way too is beyond me.

For me it is more basic than that...never would let my husband allow me to be treated that way. No way could I live with that much drama. Either he'd have to step up to the plate or it would be over (and FTR, we've been married almost 34 years).

 

[Ciao Mickey]

For me it is more basic than that...never would let my husband allow me to be treated that way. No way could I live with that much drama. Either he'd have to step up to the plate or it would be over (and FTR, we've been married almost 34 years).

What do you propose the husband do? The ex-wife sounds like a nut-case who will do anything to cause problems. How can you stop someone like her?

Even if you go through the courts, that will take time and lots of money and how can you get the ex-wife to obey any orders the court puts forth?

I agree the the husband needs to tell her to knock it off, but other than that, what can he do exactly?

Some people are crazy. You can't do anything to control them. The only thing you can do is avoid them at all cost. But in this case the husband has to be in contact with the ex-wife.

I really feel sorry for the children involved in the mess. The mother is hateful and not looking out for what's best for the children. I hope the OP understands this, and treats the kids with some extra TLC. They are stuck in a no-win situation between their mother and father.

 

[cheermom1]

What do you propose the husband do? The ex-wife sounds like a nut-case who will do anything to cause problems. How can you stop someone like her?

Even if you go through the courts, that will take time and lots of money and how can you get the ex-wife to obey any orders the court puts forth?

I agree the the husband needs to tell her to knock it off, but other than that, what can he do exactly?

Some people are crazy. You can't do anything to control them. The only thing you can do is avoid them at all cost. But in this case the husband has to be in contact with the ex-wife.

I really feel sorry for the children involved in the mess. The mother is hateful and not looking out for what's best for the children. I hope the OP understands this, and treats the kids with some extra TLC. They are stuck in a no-win situation between their mother and father.

Thank you so much and yes I do realize that which is why when they are here and ask me to teach them things I do. I play with them like I do my own as well. We all go places together and when people ask how many kids we have I say 5.

it's just that I don't do much deciding on how to parent them. I don't make the big choices in their lives. Dh and bm do that. All I can do is try to make things as equal as I can like in this situation where since the boys are already getting a car from their aunt I took care of my kids. I am not seeing the issue b/c all 5 kids are getting 1 car a piece.

Also I went and googled blended family boards and info and their forums and I have to tell you no matter what other forum I presented this situation on not ONE SINGLE person ripped me a part! They all said that it is equal as all will get 1 car!

I have come to the conclusion that most of the ones that ripped me a part must think I have some kind of magical powers to make everything all better!

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Thank you so much and yes I do realize that which is why when they are here and ask me to teach them things I do. I play with them like I do my own as well. We all go places together and when people ask how many kids we have I say 5.

it's just that I don't do much deciding on how to parent them. I don't make the big choices in their lives. Dh and bm do that. All I can do is try to make things as equal as I can like in this situation where since the boys are already getting a car from their aunt I took care of my kids. I am not seeing the issue b/c all 5 kids are getting 1 car a piece.

Also I went and googled blended family boards and info and their forums and I have to tell you no matter what other forum I presented this situation on not ONE SINGLE person ripped me a part! They all said that it is equal as all will get 1 car!

I have come to the conclusion that most of the ones that ripped me a part must think I have some kind of magical powers to make everything all better!

My guess is they haven't read what you have said about the boys in the past and you didn't use phrases on the new boards like, "I love them in my own way". Qualifying love never turns out well in the end. The disrespect you have shown for them over the past months is stunning to some. You can say that you are ranting, and it never comes out in real life, I find that hard to believe.

I get having issues with their mother, but a lot of that has been allowed by your husband. Your husband enables the behavior, and the boys suffer. You ranted here, some people gave their views. And there was great advice -- counseling, possible legal choices, etc. Instead of realizing the value, you now are reduced to insulting others' opinions. If you want everyone to lie and just go along? Then you should probably announce that in the beginning of your rant. Or, you could realize that the very way you come across to posters here, just might be picked up by the boys. And they certainly don't deserve anything but your love and support.

 

[Lucky4me]

If they're 16, chances are OP's stepkids will need that spare car.... just sayin'

 

[Lucky4me]

Okay just read the rest.
#1-Why are you and your dh talking about cars when the kids are years away from needing one?! Holy cow, if the subject was raised by any of my kids (or step kids) before they were 15&1/2, I would have shut them right down. Talking about giving cars when they are 16 to pre-teens seems very odd to me.

#2-The cars in question are over 20 years old? Again, this proves the step kids are much too young to even know what they are complaining about.

 

[SaraJayne]

It sounds like there a lot of issues here. I think most of them can be resolved by your DH manning up and telling his ex to knock it off. She continues to do it because he lets her get away with it.