VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[cheermom1]

I bought both my kids a car for their 16th bdays. I didn't spend much but I bought them with MY money only! Anyway my stepsons mom threw it back in my dh's face and demands he buy the boys a car each. Here is the back ground on that, ex's aunt bought the oldest a truck and said she will buy the other 2 one too. So a couple of things. 1. why is her business anyway? 2. if she wants to get them a car and wants dh to help or whatever talk to him about it and how they are going to do it. 3. what will they do with 2 cars each???

This whole doesn;t make since, I mean she continually makes it clear I have NOTHING to do with the boys she even tells them they don;t have to listen to me. Ok FINE! But WHY do you think it is your business to worry about what I get my kids then???

I am not saying dh can't buy them a car or anything like that but to demand he does just b/c I bought my kids one??? Now remember dh did NOT spend a penny on their cars, I did! On top of that none of the boys are old enough to have a car anyway.

I don;t understand why she would even go there as she hasn't even talked to dh about what they are going to do about their cars. To me this is something they need to talk about and leave me and my kids out of it.

Of course my opinion is that they need to pay half of each car for the boys. But then again if her aunt is buying them a car why worry about it?

 

[Magic Mom]

Why do you care what she demands? She isn't demanding that you buy the cars. It would be sort of sad if only some of the kids in the family were important enough to have cars.

 

[cheermom1]

Why do you care what she demands? She isn't demanding that you buy the cars. It would be sort of sad if only some of the kids in the family were important enough to have cars.

Ok first I NEVER said they shouldn't get a car!! please reread!

I care b/c it effects my dh and he gives WAY more then he is required to and she still demands.

I said I am confused as to why it would be any of her business what I buy my kids as she has made it VERY clear I have no business knowing what she does. I am saying that if she doesn't want me to have anything to with her business why does she feel the need to get in mine?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Very simply....
Why does she even KNOW about your kid's and their cars...

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I can tell you're upset, but honestly I would say for you to mind your business and let DH deal with it. Maybe she's just reacting in the moment. Even if she is serious, that is for him to deal with, since he's the boys' father.

 

[cheermom1]

Very simply....
Why does she even KNOW about your kid's and their cars...

The oldest stepson saw it and demanded that his father buy him one too. Dh told him that I bought that car for my son and he didn't help with a penny on it. Plus he told him that he already has a truck why would he care anyway. But ss still said it wasn't fair. Dh told him it was fair b/c he already has a truck.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My opinion--which you will not like is that if all the kids live in your household at least part of the time either it needs to be that the cars for your biological kids are paid for half by you and half by their dad and then you can ask your DH's ex for the same OR if you (as one of the two parents in that household) provide a car entirely from that household for your two then the others should get one as well.
By saving YOUR money and only spending it on YOUR kids you are creating divisions and ultimately hurting your step children. It is not the kids' fault that you are at odds with their mom, or that their dad remarried someone with kids from a previous marriage, or any of the other drama--ya know?
I do find it odd that heir mother would anticipate and issue if the boys are not old enough to drive yet anyway. She clearly likes to create drama. Yuck.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Very simply....
Why does she even KNOW about your kid's and their cars...

I would assume the boys told their mom that their step siblings got cars for their 16th birthdays. This would be a big thing to a teenager I think.

 

[cheermom1]

y opinion--which you will not like is that if all the kids live in your household at least part of the time either it needs to be that the cars for your biological kids are paid for half by you and half by their dad and then you can ask your DH's ex for the same OR if you (as one of the two parents in that household) provide a car entirely from that household for your tow then the others should et one as well.
By saving YOUR money and only spending it on YOUR kids you are creating divisions and ultimately hurting your step children. It is not the kids' fault that you are at odds with their mom, or that their dad remarried someone with kids from a previous marriage, or any of the other drama--ya know?
I do find it odd that heir mother would anticipate and issue if the boys are not old enough to drive yet anyway. She clearly likes to create drama. Yuck.

Dh and I talked about this and he said that he and his ex are the boys parents not me and she agreed. He said that he will pay half and she can pay the other for each boy. Now she doesn;t want to do that but expects dh to foot the whole bill. My kids's father is NOT in the picture for him to pay half and if he was in the pic. I would ask him to pay half.

Yes she likes to create drama and lots of it. Like I said her aunt already said she will buy their cars so I understand why this is an issue? Plus the oldest has a truck.

 

[cheermom1]

I would assume the boys told their mom that their step siblings got cars for their 16th birthdays. This would be a big thing to a teenager I think.

Like I said her aunt already bought one boy a truck and said she would buy the other one too. I don;t understand the issue? it's not like they can drive 2 cars at the same time.

 

[Magic Mom]

Ok first I NEVER said they shouldn't get a car!! please reread!

I care b/c it effects my dh and he gives WAY more then he is required to and she still demands.

I said I am confused as to why it would be any of her business what I buy my kids as she has made it VERY clear I have no business knowing what she does. I am saying that if she doesn't want me to have anything to with her business why does she feel the need to get in mine?

Where did I say you didn't want them to have a car? You spent your money to get some of the kids cars, it would probably make the other kids feel pretty second class if their dad didn't do something similar for them. The ex knows about the cars because her kids feel left out and whined to her about it ( like the majority of kids would do.) She doesn't care that your kids have a car, she cares that HER kids aren't being treated equally (in her eyes at least.)

Maybe the aunt thing fell through or wasn't completely true to begin with.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Dh and I talked about this and he said that he and his ex are the boys parents not me and she agreed. He said that he will pay half and she can pay the other for each boy. Now she doesn;t want to do that but expects dh to foot the whole bill. My kids's father is NOT in the picture for him to pay half and if he was in the pic. I would ask him to pay half.

Yes she likes to create drama and lots of it. Like I said her aunt already said she will buy their cars so I understand why this is an issue? Plus the oldest has a truck.

I agree that if the oldest already has a vehicle that is silly. 1 vehicle per kid is plenty.
Obviously whatever you and your DH have worked out works for the two of you so keep at it--besides the oddball concept of the boy's mother not wanting you to help pay for a car but wanting your husband to do so She sounds very hard to manage
Just form my perspective as an outsider it seems like whatever of YOUR money you spend on only YOUR kids is not going into the general household budget to spent on all the kids so it is taking away from your stepsons in a way and bound to create feelings of being left out and not loved and jealousy. I can't imagine the fine line a step parent has to walk of showing love but knowing they are not really in control and I do not envy you that at all. I just still think (as an outsider) it sounds cold to say I am spending my money on my kids only--which is kind of how the car thing comes across.

 

[cheermom1]

Where did I say you didn't want them to have a car? You spent your money to get some of the kids cars, it would probably make the other kids feel pretty second class if their dad didn't do something similar for them. The ex knows about the cars because her kids feel left out and whined to her about it ( like the majority of kids would do.) She doesn't care that your kids have a car, she cares that HER kids aren't being treated equally (in her eyes at least.)

Maybe the aunt thing fell through or wasn't completely true to begin with.

No we can talk to the aunt she is a nice person and she still is getting them a car. The oldest already has his car so why feel left out? He got his truck years ago and he bragged and bragged till the cows came home and rubbed it in our faces every chance he got. Dh would get him every time but he kept doing it. But now that my kids have a car and they did not rub it in his face I would NEVER allow that and they know it. Suddenly it is a problem? I don't get it? my step sons can have the same thing my kids have and she and the kids still wine about it?

 

[cheermom1]

I agree that if the oldest already has a vehicle that is silly. 1 vehicle per kid is plenty.
Obviously whatever you and your DH have worked out works for the two of you so keep at it--besides the oddball concept of the boy's mother not wanting you to help pay for a car but wanting your husband to do so She sounds very hard to manage
Just form my perspective as an outsider it seems like whatever of YOUR money you spend on only YOUR kids is not going into the general household budget to spent on all the kids so it is taking away from your stepsons in a way and bound to create feelings of being left out and not loved and jealousy. I can't imagine the fine line a step parent has to walk of showing love but knowing they are not really in control and I do not envy you that at all. I just still think (as an outsider) it sounds cold to say I am spending my money on my kids only--which is kind of how the car thing comes across.

NO no that is not how it happened at all. I pay half of bills and house hold things I even buy the clothes and shoes and stuff for everyone. I just saved some money b/c I knew what I wanted to get my kids for their bdays and dh didn;t want to spend any of his money b/c he has been saving for his kids 16th bdays as well. does that make a little more since?

and thank you for the kind words about being a step mom. I can handle the step mom part and even the kids but his ex whole nother story?!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oky--so they are both getting cars so I agree their mom is out of line. On the other hand, boy the tone of that last post is so full of resentment towards your step children (they rub things in your children's faces--your children would never do the same) I really, REALLY hope this does not come through to the boys when they are there. I hope it is just because you are frustrated with their mom right now. I mean, you just came across as thinking your kids are fantastic and your step kids are whiny, mean brats. If they pick up on that kind of attitude I would think they would be very resentful and hurt (which, BTW, could lead to whining and rude behaviour among other things). Just something to think about--be very careful with what you say and how you say it (and that includes body language) around ALL of the kids (his and yours) when you are upset with the ex.

 

[freckles and boo]

They are kids. It is natural that they are going to be jealous. You are the adult but from other threads it seems like you aren't particularly fond of your step-kids in general and that you feel your kids are superior. If a total stranger gets that vibe I am sure the step-kids do, too. One thing that made our blended family work when my mom (who had three kids) married my step-dad (who had two little ones at the time) was an attempt at keeping things fair and equal. My sister was five, my step-sister was six, and my step-brother was four at the time. Their mom was not in the picture but our dad was. My mother became their mom. She IS their mom. Fairness IS important, whether you can see it or not.

I want to know where you are going to park seven cars.

 

[NHdisneylover]

NO no that is not how it happened at all. I pay half of bills and house hold things I even buy the clothes and shoes and stuff for everyone. I just saved some money b/c I knew what I wanted to get my kids for their bdays and dh didn;t want to spend any of his money b/c he has been saving for his kids 16th bdays as well. does that make a little more since?

and thank you for the kind words about being a step mom. I can handle the step mom part and even the kids but his ex whole nother story?!

I am about to turn in for the night--so please do not think I am posting and running away (it is past midnight here)
I am curious--do you save money and get them something fairly nice from YOU for their birthdays as well. As their stepmother, someone important in their lives, I would think that would be huge. Likewise, if the cars for your kids are only from you I think your DH should be getting your kids something special from him. I don't know--it just seems the focus needs to be on hoe you can all love the kids more and not on how they can be pawns in a war with their mother. Sometimes in these kinds of relationships things just aren't fair--I just see kids who have one parent (and that parent's SO) take the high road do so much better than those whose parents stick to their guns against a spouse (which seems to always result in the kids losing out).

 

[cheermom1]

Oky--so they are both getting cars so I agree their mom is out of line. On the other hand, boy the tone of that last post is so full of resentment towards your step children (they rub things in your children's faces--your children would never do the same) I really, REALLY hope this does not come through to the boys when they are there. I hope it is just because you are frustrated with their mom right now. I mean, you just came across as thinking your kids are fantastic and your step kids are whiny, mean brats. If they pick up on that kind of attitude I would think they would be very resentful and hurt (which, BTW, could lead to whining and rude behaviour among other things). Just something to think about--be very careful with what you say and how you say it (and that includes body language) around ALL of the kids (his and yours) when you are upset with the ex.

there is no resentment, didn;t mean for it to sound that way either. I was just giving back ground the only way I knew how. It really isn't their fault as this happens every year on my kids bdays and she thinks her kids should get the something my kids get even if they already have the same thing. So they got that way of thinking from her. All the kids are close and they want the boys there at their parties so I make sure they are there. We are a family. We also take each child out to the place of their choice for dinner with the family. We do treat each kid the same. But when it come big things like this dh prefers to try to pay half and have her pay half since they do have both their parents in their lives. plus it seems so wasteful to buy 2 cars for the boys a piece.

 

[LuvLDM]

Well certainly the ex-wife or the step children have no business DEMANDING a car, that said buying cars for your children only seems pretty crappy.

I was raised primarily by my Mom & step-father, he treated his biological children & "step" children equally. We were a family and really didn't even use the term "step" parent or "step" child.
I realize that family dynamics & circumstances differ dramatically but that's where I'm coming from and just can't understand your position.

 

[SaraJayne]

Oky--so they are both getting cars so I agree their mom is out of line. On the other hand, boy the tone of that last post is so full of resentment towards your step children (they rub things in your children's faces--your children would never do the same) I really, REALLY hope this does not come through to the boys when they are there. I hope it is just because you are frustrated with their mom right now. I mean, you just came across as thinking your kids are fantastic and your step kids are whiny, mean brats. If they pick up on that kind of attitude I would think they would be very resentful and hurt (which, BTW, could lead to whining and rude behaviour among other things). Just something to think about--be very careful with what you say and how you say it (and that includes body language) around ALL of the kids (his and yours) when you are upset with the ex.

Yup. Kids pick up on that very easily.