Vent! Vent! Vent! (Long)

[PUZZLDY5]

Okay, I'm not really looking for advice here. I just need to get some things off my chest and for whatever reason it seems to make me feel better to write it out so here goes.
My husband had many back sergeries over the course of our marriage. The last one he had rendered him disabled. We have been fighting for Social Security Disability ever since. Thats another story.
Since the sergery he has become depressed for obvious reasons.(He can't provide for his family, tie his shoes or even take a bath from the waste down.) I know this has to be frustrating for him and I am trying to help as much as I can.
He takes several different medications a day now for pain and depression. He is a complete ZOMBIE most of the time, and when he is awake he is angry. Mostly at me. He is a terrible patient and can't do what he needs to to but somehow I always do it wrong. We always fight and most of the time I end up in tears. I am trying so hard to keep everything together and I feel like I am failing miserably.
His parents and I encouraged him to get a hobby. Yes a HOBBY. When I think of hobbies I think of crosswords etc. Not my husband. He starts to buy and sell items on the internet. (Nothing illegal but not e-bay either. Think Hunting ) So now I am stuck in a house with a man on several medications spending all our money on this "hobby" and proceeds to tell his parents that I am spending every dime we have. Granted he has made a very small profit off of this hobby. Mostly a loss
I am at a loss. I dont know what to do. I don't want to leave him. Especially like this. Talking is no option. He is either unconcious or upset. Just so everyone knows I am not in fear of my safety or anything if that was the case I would have been gone already.
I just need a hug.

 

[MK2thcleaner]

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I'm not sure what to say, but hugs to you and I hope you work through this. I know something that life changing can get you down....deep. Hopefully something will happen that will pull him out of that. If not, is there any way for you to get someone in to help him so you do not feel entirely responsible and have to deal with his bad moods all of the time?

Good luck! Feel free to vent here any time!

 

[a1tinkfans]

you wanted no advice, so just PLENTY of hugs from ME to YOU!

 

[Nee Nee and Biddy]

I know you said you weren't looking for advice, but I have a little so forgive me! Have you tried to go to a caregivers support group? My grandpa has Alzheimer's and I'm the one that helps him with all of his medical issues. I started to go to a caregiver's support group and it made all the difference in the world to hear that I wasn't the only person feeling the way I do. I've learned that it's impossible to change other people's behaviors but I can change the way I look at things. It's helps to know you aren't alone in having to care for someone. And you can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

 

[C.Ann]

Here's a bunch -

 

[PUZZLDY5]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

 

[minkydog]

Oh, hunny, I so sympathize with you. My DH became disabled about 6 years ago, in the prime of his life *47!* He has severe lung/heart disease which has rendered him unable to do a lot of things and leaves him exhausted all the time. He has gone through the gamut of emotions, too, mostly about the whole not supporting the family thing, but also the loss of so many things he used to do like hiking, running, swimming, singing!(he was an amatuer singer, actually quite good. Now he doesn't have the stamina to sing in the shower.) Depression has made it's appearance several times. Thankfully, he sees that he has changed and he "gets" that his fatigue has caused some mental changes, so he is on something for depression and anxiety now.

I would recommend that *you* consider talking to a therapist, preferably someone which experience in grief counseling. Both of you are grieving the life you might have had. You may be grieving the loss of your old husband and the balance of power that has probably shifted to your shoulders now. ]

Hunny, I get it. Believe me, I get it. Whether he decides to get treatment or not, you can't control that. You can only control your response to it, and that might take a bit of assistance. I have been able to get some treatment for my own depression and anxiety and it has helped immensely. The situation hasn't changed--DH continues to be in very poor health--but I am able to manage my fears and anger (yes, anger! I am angry that things have turned out this way!)

Be kind to yourself.Don't give up on your marriage just yet--get some help. You and I are walking an unenviable road. PM me if you want to talk sometime.

 

[pixiewings71]

 

[kellyg403]

OP...you all deserve them!

I agree with other other posters here...even if you go to see someone yourself you will have helped your situation. You can't change him but you probably will learn some technique and coping skills to better handle it.

Kelly

 

[MELISAZACK]

I feel your pain.. My DH 40 just last week finalized his SS hearing we actually got a fully favorable.. been 2 year fight. for exact thing your are back injuries. We just found out in Sept that the fusion he had in 3/08 has failed and will need another one but they are waiting till spring.. depression/anger
all that for the same reasons you mentioned - not being able to support family ect.. He sees a therapist though and is on a cocktail of meds daily.
he is not completly zombie out though his hobby when he can cause we struggle financially too is ceramics..not that it really helps but does give him something to do. and he too spends money we don't have a dumb stuff drives me nuts! Hang in there is the only support I can offer since I have no solution either.. but don't feel like you are the only one going through it with the hubbys..there are many stories, its like we are all living the nightmare together.. just stay strong and push forward hopeing for the best.

 

[FireDancer]

I wish you and your husband the best.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Just keep swimmin'. Just keep swimmin' swimmin' swimmin'.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Oh, hunny, I so sympathize with you. My DH became disabled about 6 years ago, in the prime of his life *47!* He has severe lung/heart disease which has rendered him unable to do a lot of things and leaves him exhausted all the time. He has gone through the gamut of emotions, too, mostly about the whole not supporting the family thing, but also the loss of so many things he used to do like hiking, running, swimming, singing!(he was an amatuer singer, actually quite good. Now he doesn't have the stamina to sing in the shower.) Depression has made it's appearance several times. Thankfully, he sees that he has changed and he "gets" that his fatigue has caused some mental changes, so he is on something for depression and anxiety now.

I would recommend that *you* consider talking to a therapist, preferably someone which experience in grief counseling. Both of you are grieving the life you might have had. You may be grieving the loss of your old husband and the balance of power that has probably shifted to your shoulders now. ]

Hunny, I get it. Believe me, I get it. Whether he decides to get treatment or not, you can't control that. You can only control your response to it, and that might take a bit of assistance. I have been able to get some treatment for my own depression and anxiety and it has helped immensely. The situation hasn't changed--DH continues to be in very poor health--but I am able to manage my fears and anger (yes, anger! I am angry that things have turned out this way!)

Be kind to yourself.Don't give up on your marriage just yet--get some help. You and I are walking an unenviable road. PM me if you want to talk sometime.

This post said it all for me.

Hugs to you.