Vent Sister (MOH) Issues

[Tink143]

So last night we had the family dinner where we had all 18 guests come over for dinner so that we could discuss the details for our Wedding March 2008. Ever since my fiance and I have known each other we have said we would like to get married at WDW, so we figured everyone else knew.

When I sent the invites for the dinner out, everyone had questions, what is for blah blah blah. My sister, married, 2 kids, I was MOH in her wedding, the night I got engaged I asked her to be my MOH, which had always been a part of the plan too. She has major issues about it, says her kids are too young to go to WDW - they will be 5.5 and 2.5 at the wedding - not to mention - biggest OXYMORON I have ever heard - too young HA! Then says they can't afford it - which she is a stay at home mom with a college degree to teach, so really if things were that bad, she could work one year and be comfortable again - Whatever! Which takes me back to the whole too young thing, she didn't even research to know that her 2.5 year old would be FREE!

So my fiance and I decide that to help all guests involved we will use OUR DVC points for the next two years to cover their hotel costs - not to mention, they'll all be staying in much nicer hotels than they would have paid for - we will be staying at Boardwalk - uh hello!$300 a night!

Anyways, so we tell everyone this last night at dinner - no WOW that's great, no hey thanks! Nothing - from anyone except my parents and their new spouses. But then after we talked to everyone, there was lots of questions that we could easily answer, talked about dining plan, going out to eat, etc. My sister came to me and said "So, how many of these family function dinners are there going to be?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Are you kidding me? Not hey Thanks for paying for us to stay in one of the freakin nicest hotels on property. Just a so how much time are we going to have to spend with y'all! THANKS SO MUCH!

My step-mom keeps telling me, be grateful she's coming to the wedding...but if she's going to avoid me, my family, and my fiance's family like the plague while we are there, and I am using two years worth of vacation points for her (and everyone else)to go, why exactly should I be grateful???

Yeah, not happy with sister...sorry I just needed to vent! I never realized how much two people raised by the same people can be SOOOO different!

 

[Nala2007]

Do what you have to do, she should be way more sensitive and not forget how STRESSFUL planning a wedding is. Maybe you should talk to her.

 

[catmorgan4]

Wow, that was very nice of you to do that for your guests. I thought it was bad when I got complaints about the prices for plane tickets and hotels. Fine dont come and I will save $200+. I can imagine people discussing it when Im not around, but to actually tell me and give me more stress. My maid of honor had to write an email telling those people they were stressing me out and I havnt heard of it since. Maybe you could have someone else tell your sister she is causing you stress and should just suck it up and enjoy herself.

Good luck and remember you cant please everyone!

 

[mickeyhat]

Although our wedding was lovely, unfortunately, it wasn't in WDW. I still had family members complain about expenses, including the cost of my shower gift. Sometimes people need to be reminded of what a big deal it is for you even if its just a hassle to them. I think you've really gone out of your way. In the end she'll probably thank you.

 

[dmslush]

That is the funny thing about weddings, the guests and wedding party forget that the wedding is about the bride and groom ONLY! I would never dream of giving someone a hard time because of where they had their wedding.

 

[robsmom]

Yeah, not happy with sister...sorry I just needed to vent! I never realized how much two people raised by the same people can be SOOOO different!

I would say that are are exactly the same. You are both more concerned with your own wants than with each other. She is having trouble being gracious and making the sacrifices that she is going to have to make to help you make your wedding the event that you want it to be. At the same time you have to acknowledge and appreciate those around you who are putting themselves out for your dream. You are not exactly being open minded when you suggest a stay at home mom should go back to work so that she can afford to attend your wedding. I will assume you are justing venting and don't mean that. Even if you are paying for the rooms you are asking people to spend time and money to go on a vacation that they did not ask for and may not want and you are asking you sister to give up other things that her family (her kids) may want or need. If they know how important it is to you and they can afford it, they will smile and participate. Please sit down with her and explain what this means to you and see what her concerns really are. If you both give a little it will work out.

 

[gillian1926]

Wow, your story is surprisingly similar to mine. First we decided Disneyworld...everyone was gung ho....then my father tells me how selfish I am for asking everyone to spend so much. Sooooo....to make a very long story short...my father is paying for 3 days, nights, park hopper passes, food and 200 dollars for airfare for my two sisters and their families(totalling 9 people), my step sister and her husband, and my other step sister. This is all taken out of my wedding money. So basically, we are paying for our wedding in Disney and reception at home by ourselves.

Then, my older sister behaved like yours asking how much we(DF and I) were expecting everyone to be together. UGh....dont they want to spend time with us?

My father and step mohter seemed to have no idea how big disney is and how the resorts and transportation worked(even though we told them numerous times). They didnt understand why we had to make ADRs so far in advance. We made the big dinner reservations for everyone---and all through this...no thank yous....nothing.

People are very selfish not seeing the big picture and what is important. What is important is that it is our wedding day.

In the end, I have come to terms with all of it and realized that I want to have a good time. I dont want to nor need to worry about them. They are self sufficient adults. i am going to enjoy my time in Disney and my wedding no matter what.

 

[Tink143]

Quote from Robsmom: You are not exactly being open minded when you suggest a stay at home mom should go back to work so that she can afford to attend your wedding. I will assume you are justing venting and don't mean that. Even if you are paying for the rooms you are asking people to spend time and money to go on a vacation that they did not ask for and may not want and you are asking you sister to give up other things that her family (her kids) may want or need. [/QUOTE]

I am not saying for my sister to go back to work just to afford my wedding, but she constantly acts as though it is so hard to be a stay at home mom, not having time to herself, not to not have any money - my point is she has the ability to easily fix her money problems, but she doesn't want to...on top of that to say she thinks she's not going to enroll her kids in things this summer so that she can spend that money on things for the house - no offense, but I'm not asking her to sacrifice just for my wedding, but she is unbelievably selfish just to be selfish. This wedding is just the tip of the iceberg - she's been this way ever since she married by BIL - thinks that she is too good blah blah blah. On top of everything else, my DF's family who all have serious money issues are totally gongho, willing to do whatever it takes to be there, plus they know it's probably going to be their only chance to go to WDW.

 

[jamielynn]

Hi Tink 143~

My finance and I had a VERY simular situation. We started to tell my famly first and I felt as if I had the rug completely pulled out from underneith me. Not only am i selfish, but I was informed by several that I am intentially excluing people and shame on me. The kicker was why are you even having a wedding, you have lived together for a year and a half already, whats the point. Took me ~2 days to stop crying and finaly get mad, then say oh well... I have invited my parents and Fathers Wife ONLY from my side of the family, with the comment that if they can not attend then I would understand. My Mom has started making her plans, Dad and wife are not sure if they will be coming yet or not. Fiances family is ALL gun-ho, and most have started making travel arrangements. I am very lucky to have some great close friends who have told me that even if they dont get an invite they are coming so I had better invite them. My mentor even offered to walk me down the isle.

Don't let others take away this day from you. Enjoy yourself! The number of people attending doesn't make the day, marriage or FUN! You will have a great day and the ability to see everyone, talk to them individually and as a couple.

Feel free to vent any time... I KNOW how you feel.

 

[Maggimus]

I do not believe you are being irrational whatsoever, and for you to even pay for her to come is beyond generous!!

I don't know what you are going through but if you ever need to vent, feel free to do so with me.. ill be a listening ear. Your sister should be very thankful that YOU have made the sacrifice to pay for her-- and SHE should pay the sacrifice of her TIME to come-- considering that's basically all she is having to pay for!!

 

[magdog79]

I totally know how you feel. My DF is in the same boat. He asked his cousin to be his best man, which he said yes too, his cousin has gone totally anti-disney. He is boycotting the wedding. This was about a month ago. Since then we sent out a Save the date type letter/email to all those we wanted to invite to both the wedding at disney and a reception after back near our home. We know there we going to be people wouldn't or couldn't travel fr whatever reason. Well we asked everyone to respond by the 15th of this month. So far as the 18th we have 2 confirmed other than the 5 immediate family members on both side of our families and the 2 bridesmaids. We sent out 135 notices and have received 3 no's and 1 yes and 131 no answers.
We are totally besides ourselves in what to do. We don't have a BM and the DF doesn't know what to do. Should he ask someone else or not have anyone. His situation is he has 2 yr old at the time of the wedding. We are paying for everything from plane to stay to dinning plan for the bridal party and he still won't think about it.
Sometimes I think it would just be easier to take a day off from work and go see the justice of the peace abd screw everyone. But of course we would then get scorned for not having anyone there. Its a double edged sword. No one is happy unless they are catered to on your day. It seems like you need to be a bridezilla to get things through people's think skulls.

 

[Tink143]

I understand totally. We just wanted to have an Intimate Wedding there so it would just be our parents, their spouses, our siblings, their spouses and children. No grandparents, which kinda stinks, but my dad's parents are in their 80's and wouldn't be able to do a whole lot.

Anyways, my 5 year old son will be the Best Man for my DF. How cute is that? When we got engaged, I said I wasn't really big on kids in the wedding, but wanted my son (whom DF will be adopting) to be involved. He said "Why can't my son be my Best Man?" Immediate Tears of course.

I am almost half tempted to just do it while we are there in May 2007, and say forget everyone else...but DF says he doesn't want to live the rest of his life hearing me say "I wish..." He's right I know that!

I understand that it is costly for all of these people to come to my wedding, but it's not as if they don't all need a vacation, and they're getting free resort stay (because of us)...why would anyone turn that down? I know I wouldn't!!!!!!

 

[Maggimus]

I understand totally. We just wanted to have an Intimate Wedding there so it would just be our parents, their spouses, our siblings, their spouses and children. No grandparents, which kinda stinks, but my dad's parents are in their 80's and wouldn't be able to do a whole lot.

Anyways, my 5 year old son will be the Best Man for my DF. How cute is that? When we got engaged, I said I wasn't really big on kids in the wedding, but wanted my son (whom DF will be adopting) to be involved. He said "Why can't my son be my Best Man?" Immediate Tears of course.

I am almost half tempted to just do it while we are there in May 2007, and say forget everyone else...but DF says he doesn't want to live the rest of his life hearing me say "I wish..." He's right I know that!

I understand that it is costly for all of these people to come to my wedding, but it's not as if they don't all need a vacation, and they're getting free resort stay (because of us)...why would anyone turn that down? I know I wouldn't!!!!!!

Your DF is so sweet-- what a good guy you have there.

I certainly wouldnt pass it up either!! Hey, if you are interested me and DH will take your sisters place!! You'll never know im not your sister!!

 

[4luvofthemouse]

I know exactly what you all are feeling. My fiance purposed at Disney so there was no doubt in our minds that our wedding would be there too. We were really excited until we told his family all about it. I was so upset that I had to leave the house for awhile. The whole time we were telling My fiances family about everything we were planning they questioned us on everything! We tried to keep them interested and showed them our wish book and they shot everything down from the style of chairs to Major Domo and even the style of dress I was looking at! AHHH it was a complete nightmare! We couldn't handle the stress so we cancelled it! But we have had enough and we decided that it is OUR day and they should just feel honored that we want to share it with them. We went ahead and made the plans again and after almost 5yrs we will be getting married in Dec. The funny part is, is that his family has no idea about it. They won't know until the get the "Save the Dates" which according to our planner they should have them by the end of this week!

I know how frustrating it is to have to deal with family members who just can't seem to put their feelings aside and share in your happiness.
Just hang in there and remember that it's your day and even though its hard try not to let them get to you!

I say we should just forget them all and do a multiple wedding and we could be everyones family!!

 

[jojoandhb]

Quote from Robsmom: You are not exactly being open minded when you suggest a stay at home mom should go back to work so that she can afford to attend your wedding. I will assume you are justing venting and don't mean that. Even if you are paying for the rooms you are asking people to spend time and money to go on a vacation that they did not ask for and may not want and you are asking you sister to give up other things that her family (her kids) may want or need.

I am not saying for my sister to go back to work just to afford my wedding, but she constantly acts as though it is so hard to be a stay at home mom, not having time to herself, not to not have any money - my point is she has the ability to easily fix her money problems, but she doesn't want to...on top of that to say she thinks she's not going to enroll her kids in things this summer so that she can spend that money on things for the house - no offense, but I'm not asking her to sacrifice just for my wedding, but she is unbelievably selfish just to be selfish. This wedding is just the tip of the iceberg - she's been this way ever since she married by BIL - thinks that she is too good blah blah blah. On top of everything else, my DF's family who all have serious money issues are totally gongho, willing to do whatever it takes to be there, plus they know it's probably going to be their only chance to go to WDW.[/QUOTE]

About the stay-at-home Mom comment; I have 2 college degrees. I never wanted kids. When I had my daughter, I put her in daycare and went back to work within 2 weeks of having her. To my surprise, I hated having her in daycare. I WANTED to stay home with her. I CHOSE to put my career on hold to take care of her myself. Her father and I made every sacrifice imaginable. We sold our house, our car, gave away our dog and 3 cats so we could rent a house, and moved 500 miles south for a lower cost of living all so I could stay home with our daughter. We agreed that I would stay home until she was 4, which will be this fall. You don't have kids, so you can't judge what you would do. Staying home is a lot of work, but to those of us who chose to do it, it's the best option above having strangers raise our children. Try to be more understanding with your sister's situation.

 

[Tink143]

You don't have kids, so you can't judge what you would do. Staying home is a lot of work, but to those of us who chose to do it, it's the best option above having strangers raise our children. Try to be more understanding with your sister's situation.

Actually I do have a five year old, that I had while I was in college working a 40-hr. a week job, and going to school full-time. The father was fortunately for my son a loser, so I was doing that on my own as well. Have I enjoyed taking him to daycare, and paying $600 a month for the last 5 years...NO! But I did what I had to do to better my life and my child's life. I have since graduated from college, and have been teaching for 3 years, my son because of his time at his preschool can read, write, use sign language, and speak some Spanish. I know that staying home is hard work because I do it during the summer, and I know that I could not do it on a permanent basis. But my sister (moreso I think her husband) has chosen for her to stay home, and she constantly whines about how tired she is all the time, how she never has time to herself, and how she never has any money. Me neither, and I work 2 jobs, my DF works two jobs, but we manage it. I try to understand my sister, but it is very hard for me to do that when she shortchanges her children's lives - not enrolling my niece in swim team or Mother's Day Out for the summer, because she could use that money to make her new house (that they haven't even moved into yet) look nicer.

So I would appreciate it if you all wouldn't attack me, because there is nothing more difficult than being a single mom that works 40+ hours a week, goes to school taking 18 hours, and still try to spend time raising her child. So forgive me if I am not completely sympathetic to my sister who complained because I called her during her nap time, when there were days where I would work 8 hours (5 AM -1 PM), come home do homework, go back to work at 11PM until 7 AM and not sleep at all during the break!

Thank you very much! The whole point of this is I desperately want my family at my wedding, I am doing everything I can and then some to help, and my sister's only comment was "How much family time are we going to have?" I think I have the right to be upset!

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Okay, I have a horrible feeling that this thread may be getting a bit nasty.

Tink143 - I do not have children but I do understand your situation. When I first announced a destination wedding, my family were not pleased in the slightest. I only have my mother coming and we are paying for her dining for the week, her Disney tickets, travel insurance, overnight stay at hotel and transfers. Now neither my DF or I have much money but neither does my mom, so we are happy to pay these things to help her come. She really appreciates it and it makes me feel great that she can now be a part of this. My brother and his new wife on the other hand have chosen not to come. The excuse was they couldn't afford it. Months later they turn around and tell us they are going to WDW in May for 2 weeks (3 months before our wedding) now that made me mad
I think your family should appreciate the fact that you are going above and beyond to make them a part of your day, by paying things for them, which you do not have to do, it should be appreciated.
However just because you pay for them does not mean they will want to go. There may be other reasons she has not shared as to why she isn't willing to go. I think you really need to sit down with your sister and explain how important this is to you, that she be at your wedding. You don't want this sort of agro hanging over you while planning your wedding.

Hugs to you

 

[princess110607]

I totally understand what you are going through! But in our case it's his mom...my future MIL! She's not complaining about our DFTW itself...but she isn't making things easy. I feel ya hun

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

i just read this post & WOW...I swear some people have no conscience.....what the heck crawled up your SILs booty

If she was like that to me, Id be like "ya know you seem overwhelmed, so I think Itd be best If I had someone else as my MOH"

She might get testy w/you, but its better than having her ruin your day with her attitutde & complaining

I hope youare able to sort thru this...good luck & feel free to vent her, we are all glad to help

 

[FayeW]

Whoever said that people should just "...be honoured we want to share our special day with them..." needs a reality check! YOU should feel honoured that some people are willing to fork out the kind of money required to attend your destination wedding!

OP, I think you need to graciously accept that your sister, for personal or financial reasons, does not feel able to attend your wedding. Your wedding is a big deal TO YOU, not necessarily to anyone else. You don't get to insist on how other people spend their money, or when they vacation. Tell your sister that you realize that it costs a lot of money, and you don't want to cause her financial hardship. Let her off the hook.