VENT: "No, i'm not having another!"

[3girlsfun]

I get this question almost daily, seriously, daily! We have 3 girls, so everyone assumes we are just devestated we didn't have a boy. (Actually, I always secretly wished for all girls!) If we decide to try again, we will try for a baby, not a boy..........

Just smile and say, "well, we do love sex." Just as serious as you can, that will shut them up!

 

[Vijoge]

Then he proceeded to tell me that he only knew one kid growing up who was an only child and he was the loneliest, sorriest, saddest kid he'd ever met.

LOL I have three sons and every one of them has, more times than I can count, expressed a desire to be an only child. My middle son is expecting his fifth daughter in January and the 13 year old said to me the other day "I wish my mom would stop having babies!"

 

[Peanut Giggleface]

Yeah, I was like you. For years I wasn't planning on having any kids....you know women's lib thing.....school, career, secure financially, etc. Then my biological clock went off and had two within two years: a girl and then a boy. Perfect Presto! About 6 mos. after my second was born we were up to our eyeballs in diapers, bottles and binkies and one very colicky baby. My husband came down one day and said he'd made an appointment to have a vasectomy and I was cool with that. I was overwhelmed with babies and the thought I definitely don't want any more. Besides two seemed politically correct if you know what I mean. Now here I am ten years later living with the biggest regret of my life. What I wouldn't give to go back and have two or three more. I always thought kids were these life sucking, emotionally and financially demanding monsters. Pretty harsh huh? I was so wrong, they're the neatest little people in the world. It never amazes me what they say and do and they can be pretty close to geniuses. But then I am biased.

All in all, wait a year or two, or maybe even five and then reevaluate how you feel. You never know you might change your mind. And if you don't, then at least you know you'll have spent enough time thinking about it before you do anything serious.

 

[palavra]

Yeah, I was like you. For years I wasn't planning on having any kids....you know women's lib thing.....school, career, secure financially, etc. Then my biological clock went off and had two within two years: a girl and then a boy. Perfect Presto! About 6 mos. after my second was born we were up to our eyeballs in diapers, bottles and binkies and one very colicky baby. My husband came down one day and said he'd made an appointment to have a vasectomy and I was cool with that. I was overwhelmed with babies and the thought I definitely don't want any more. Besides two seemed politically correct if you know what I mean. Now here I am ten years later living with the biggest regret of my life. What I wouldn't give to go back and have two or three more. I always thought kids were these life sucking, emotionally and financially demanding monsters. Pretty harsh huh? I was so wrong, they're the neatest little people in the world. It never amazes me what they say and do and they can be pretty close to geniuses. But then I am biased.

All in all, wait a year or two, or maybe even five and then reevaluate how you feel. You never know you might change your mind. And if you don't, then at least you know you'll have spent enough time thinking about it before you do anything serious.

While you might have meant well, I think this post is sort of insulting to the OP. Not everyone changes his or her mind about having more children. And having one child does not mean that those of us who do think that children are any less wonderful. I'm sorry that you now regret not having more, but that's your personal opinion. Certainly not everyone is going to have the same regrets.

I, too, get the same question often, and, while I know the person usually is just making small talk, the question hurts every time. Why? Because we wanted at least one other child and were unable to have any. After several miscarriages, it was clear that DD would be an only. I've moved on and am so glad to have DD. I just think it is important to remember that a seemingly inocuous question can actually be hurtful.

 

[alisonh]

I think that topics like this are hard. OP wanted to vent, that is understandable. Just like the person who asked the question most likely was not trying to be pushy or hurtful, just curious and making small talk. At the same time there are many people who have many kids and disagree, that is their right. For me, it was a hurtful question not because I didnt WANT more but because I was doing everything physically and financially possible to have more. It hurts to be asked for 4-5 years when #2 is coming when you have been trying. I think that what we all need to remember is that we should not over react to someone who is just trying to be friendly, and at the same time we need to remember that maybe there are better ways to talk about this with friends.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

of course not everyone changes their mind. But lots of people do. My brother had the big v after two. Several years later they regretted the decision, and tried to adopt. The foster system screwed them over 3 times and that was the end of it. The positive is that they are the designated "take our kids if we get hit by a bus" folk. That poster merely posted her experience. no harm not foul. ymmv.

The op seems determined, and that is her business. Folks put their noses where they are not welcome far too often.

alison, I agree. I do believe most people mean no harm. It is our interpretation that makes it good or bad.

 

[melancholywings]

I usually shut them up with 'Why do I need more? You don't spend enough time with the one I have."

 

[gr8leg8]

Most of the time the question I get comes from a friendly "getting to know you" conversation.

Is she your only child?

my favorite answer:
When you start with perfection....

that always makes DD smile. She likes being in on the joke. She knows we don't expect perfection, just the unique fabulousity that is her!
The question she always asks: When are we getting a dog???

answer: when you stop being alergic!!!

 

[natashag76]

I usually ask them "why? Are you looking for a babysitting job? Because that is the only reason that I would discuss this with you."

Stay strong!

 

[WAMomof3]

My BIL and his wife has only one and they're staying at one. BIL's wife said that she wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of finding MR right and then having kids. It just happened.

Long story short, DN (4)has some minor developmental issues which consumes all of their free time. Thus they're decided not to have any more kids and concentrate all their efforts on him, which I think is commendable. It works for them and that's just the way it is.

(BTW-I'm on only child, too )

As far as being a lonely only child - I have three kids (10,8, & 2)and they all absolutely adore their cousin, who we see often.

At least he gets to go home and get a break the choas!!

 

[Poohbug]

Everyone always asks me if I'm going to try again for a girl. My response, nope I tried 3 times, failed, I'm all set.

Then I get the you never know, don't say that, etc etc...yes I do know, the odds are against it, hubby had "V" back in December.

Same boat. No, I'm not trying for a girl. I just tell everyone that I am too old to have another one.

 

[karice2]

I get the question about when I am going to have one. I don't really want them at all. I like my life the way that it is. I don't like for people to touch my things. I like to read and be quiet. I get itchy when guests stay too long in my personal space.

I love being able to travel when I feel like it, plan my day the way I want and have peace and quiet when I want. If I had one now, I would be looking for the boarding school that takes them at the youngest age possible.

Of course, I have siblings who have done the familial duty. DB has five, DSis is engaged.

I always tell people, I don't like yours why would I want my own.

 

[ama223]

Try having 2 (or more, I'm sure!) of the same gender! People ask me all the time when we're going to 'try for that girl'... !

I'd love to tell them that we'd rather have another boy, but I don't want them to think I have something against girls!

 

[MarriedToAPrince]

We are in the one and done club, but there is so much more to our reasons. I do get questions now that my DD is almost 3 if we are going to have another, but that is the people out and about. Everyone who knows us knows that DH had a vasectomy when our DD was 5 weeks old.

I do agree with the other poster that I wouldn't do anything permanent if there isn't any other circumstances like medical issues because there is a chance you will change your mind. I am not saying you will so I know lots of people who have and lots of people who haven't. It could go either way.

If we didn't have lots of medical issues we wouldn't have some anything permanent for a while either.

 

[spacemountainmom]

There is just no end to some people's rudeness:

If you are single - "How's your love life?"

If you are dating - "When's the wedding?"

If you are a newlywed - "Are you pregnant yet?"

If you are a young family - "Ready for another?"

It used to just drive me crazy. Is it any of YOUR business????



Fortunately, I am at the age (kids 15 and 11) that people leave you alone for awhile. Then I guess it will be people asking me all those same questions about my kids.

 

[Mama Mouse]

My ds is 7.5 and I still get this all the time. Luckily, most people aren't rude to me about it anymore. It usually goes something like "Do you think you'll have any more?" They accept my reply (NO) and move on.

It wasn't always like this though. The rudest, most awful comments came from my in-laws. My FIL, specifically, told me my only function was for making babies for their family.

Other people would just ask why, keep pestering, act like I was just fooling myself, etc etc etc. I got lots of rude comments about how horrible only children are. This was especially hurtful because, unfortunately, my first son passed away at 3.5 months old. The people saying these things were people that KNOW this. Honestly, I reached a point where I just started giving very short answers and not giving any info at all. I realized if they can be so horribly rude and insensitive, I can be as rude back as I want.

 

[FutureDis]

I'm an only child, and the parent of an only child. I get asked about more kids often too. My reply is "daycare is just too expensive", and "I was an only child, and liked it!" Do I miss having siblings? I do a bit now, but there were up sides to it too... It forced me to be more outgoing (boy, I could make friends to play with in about 2 seconds no mater WHERE we were! I didn't have built in playmates with a sibling). We took nice vacations every year (something we may not have afforded otherwise), etc.

Our reasons are financial as well. I want to be able to provide my child with many of the things I had.... it would be harder to do with a second child. Paying for daycare where I live would be like paying a second mortgage, and I'm not about to quit my job (I make half the money in the house) to raise another child.

I love my son and he gets all my love and attention. I don't think I'm depriving him of anything by not giving him a sibling.

 

[disykat]

There's nothing wrong with having only one child and there IS something wrong with people thinking they have a right to ask personal questions. However, IMO implying having more than one would make you a baby factory is probably not a way to indear people who have more and could possibly be a contributing reason to why they're looking at you like you have two heads.

 

[LoveKermit]

I'm an only child, and the parent of an only child. I get asked about more kids often too. My reply is "daycare is just too expensive", and "I was an only child, and liked it!" Do I miss having siblings? I do a bit now, but there were up sides to it too... It forced me to be more outgoing (boy, I could make friends to play with in about 2 seconds no mater WHERE we were! I didn't have built in playmates with a sibling). We took nice vacations every year (something we may not have afforded otherwise), etc.

Our reasons are financial as well. I want to be able to provide my child with many of the things I had.... it would be harder to do with a second child. Paying for daycare where I live would be like paying a second mortgage, and I'm not about to quit my job (I make half the money in the house) to raise another child.

I love my son and he gets all my love and attention. I don't think I'm depriving him of anything by not giving him a sibling.

Almost me except we have a daughter. DH always wanted two (you need to have a spare in case something happens). But I'm an only child and never watched my mom juggle two kids; I think that's part of it. I think about it and I don't know how I would handle it. DH works long hours and the grandparents, while helpful, I think are more willing with just one.

After a small leak in our basement I gave away all my maternity clothes, deciding they'd be out of style anyway. We're having a little more trouble getting rid of baby things, but some of it is the shear cost of the stuff. But we feel like kids are expensive and we like our newfound freedoms as each year goes by.

I guess we never know, but we're content. I just don't like babies that much.

And I teach high school math....

 

[spacemountainmom]

My ds is 7.5 and I still get this all the time. Luckily, most people aren't rude to me about it anymore. It usually goes something like "Do you think you'll have any more?" They accept my reply (NO) and move on.

It wasn't always like this though. The rudest, most awful comments came from my in-laws. My FIL, specifically, told me my only function was for making babies for their family.

Other people would just ask why, keep pestering, act like I was just fooling myself, etc etc etc. I got lots of rude comments about how horrible only children are. This was especially hurtful because, unfortunately, my first son passed away at 3.5 months old. The people saying these things were people that KNOW this. Honestly, I reached a point where I just started giving very short answers and not giving any info at all. I realized if they can be so horribly rude and insensitive, I can be as rude back as I want.

I'm so sorry that people who should be more sensitive treat you this way. I had a miscarriage at 3 months when trying for #2. People said the most awful things to me and sadly don't realize how insensitive they were. I am fortunate and was able to get pregnant again quickly (#2 is actually a Disney Souvenir!) It's been 12 years and I still shudder when I think about it.

Just enjoy your little guy as much as you can....they don't stay that way long enough!