Vent -- DMIL and future trip

[QueenGoblin]

We are traveling to the "World" in January as a family vacation and so DH can participate in marathon weekend. DH invited his mom to come along, and even though I had some reservations about it, I had talked myself around to thinking it was going to be okay.

Well, our DD (4) has been having some issues. She was asked to leave her preschool (whole other long story...very small, 6 kids, "perfect" preschool and DD did not fit in with the frilly dress set...) We are having her evaluated just in case b/c some of her behaviors look like mild Aspergers or Sensory Integration issues. Most likely not, but we'd prefer to get it nailed down and not next year when she is in Kindergarten.

Well, DMIL has always been a little "concerned" bordering on critical of our parenting choices (we are a bit crunchy). So this has just added fuel to her fire. She doesn't think we are taking it seriously enough (she was ready to cancel the trip, etc. Ummm...why?) The thing is, we called our Pediatrician to schedule an evaluation for our DD as soon as we learned she had been kicked out of preschool. He is now working on finding an appropriate specialist in the area for us. Anyone who has been thorugh this kind of thing knows it takes time. And it doesn't do any good trying to treat something that hasn't even been diagnosed, if there is even something there to treat which I think is unlikely. Afterall, DD went to another preschool for 2 years and they never even hinted that she had a problem. But even if she has mild Aspergers or something like that, it is hardly the end of the world. We will advocate for her, and work with her of course. There are tons of successful happy people out there with Aspergers. In fact, I half joked that if DD has Aspergers, it is likely that DH has it too (he shares many of the Asperger's type traits). That sent DMIL through the roof, even though DH thought it was funny and probably true. We aren't taking our child's issues seriously enough, but how dare we even suggest HER son might have Aspergers!?!?!?
Ergh!
So how do I get past this? I am really dreading a family vacation with her being all passive-aggressive about my parenting skills. At the same time, I feel like "uninviting" her is too drastic.
I do think I need to talk with her next time she calls. My DH is not the greatest communicator, and I think some of the problem is he isn't letting her know how seriously we are taking this.

 

[Suzanna1973]

Oh the troubles of a MIL. I've been lucky so far (17 years and 2 kids and she keeps her opinions to herself!)
It boils down to this....this is YOUR child. She raised her child. You might want to ask her if she took any advice that HER MIL gave. Chances are she didn't. But of course, in her eyes, this is pertaining to YOU not her, because obviously HER child turned out perfect or you would not have married him

Talk to your DH. If you feel that MIL will ruin your trip, give her two choices.
1. She goes with you and keeps her opinions to herself. This afterall is her DGD's vacation.
2. She stays home and misses out on a magical memory in her DGD's life.

Sometimes we have to bite the bullet and have a little discomfort in our families. Good luck and have a wonderful vacation!

 

[Amy5000]

I can't give any advice on the MIL issue (although I can direct you to the "Dealing with the Inlaws" board on babycenter - those guys know their stuff). But I have similar issues with my DS so what you are describing is not alien to me.

But I did want to suggest that in addition to seeking an evaluation through your pediatrician, if you are in the US, you should contact your school district for a multidisciplinary evaluation. It should be much faster than seeking an eval through your ped. (I believe they are required to do an eval in a certain time period). If you think your dd has sensory issues, you should try to include an OT with training in sensory integration on your team.

I'm sorry if I'm overstepping my bounds. It seems like you are on your game in that you may have identified the areas of concern for your dd. But I just think that, unless you have some other reason for seeking a referral through your pediatrician, that the school system might be the most efficient way to go in the short term.

fyi, I recently ranted to someone (who in the past was probably quietly critical of my parenting) that parents who don't have children with special needs (whether adhd, add, asperger's, asd, or sid/spd) really don't understand. I could go on and on re this one, but I'm not going. Sorry you have to deal with this one. I'm sure others will give you great advice on dealing with your MIL, but I since I'm occasionally a big chicken, it would be silly for me to tell you to confront her, since I'm not sure how to do the same.

Good luck. Amy

 

[suffolkprincess]

Make her understand the VERY real and VERY serious detrimental affect that it will have on your daughter-- long term-- if you make a big deal about this issue before you have a professional daignosis. Explain to her about self-fulfilling prophecy and how that can set up a child with minor adjustment issues for a life of underachievement. Explain that you *are* taking it very very seriously, but that you are downplaying it in your family life until there is a diagnosis of some kind as you do not want your daughter to be damaged by this process, and explain that this extends to her grandma.
At my daughter's 4 year old check up she had some hearing issues. I discussed them with my MIL over the phone and she realized that my daughter was in the room, and she very seriously lectured me about the need to not discuss anything hyptothetical yet scary-sounding where my daughter could overhear us because, if nothing is wrong, she doesn't need the idea in her head that something is wrong with her. 4 year olds really understand a lot and embroider it in their imaginations even more. My MIL was right, and I am glad I listened to her now that my daughter turned out just to need better allergy meds.

 

[Amy5000]

At my daughter's 4 year old check up she had some hearing issues. I discussed them with my MIL over the phone and she realized that my daughter was in the room, and she very seriously lectured me about the need to not discuss anything hyptothetical yet scary-sounding where my daughter could overhear us because, if nothing is wrong, she doesn't need the idea in her head that something is wrong with her.

That's great advice. Growing up I had a family member with learning disabilities (and probably some adhd). Recently his mother once told me one of her regrets was that she would talk about him in front of him. (And I can easily remember a few instances of it). A lot of kids look like they are not listening but they are taking in every word. I once took my DS to a dev. ped. and I brought someone to watch him in the waiting room so we could talk without him being there. The ped. seemed surprised, but I can't understand why you would want to list all your child's weaknesses and problems in front of him/her. I agree that it can set up a self-fullfilling prophecy.

 

[brymolmom]

Hi - Just some thoughts for you:

1 - Unfortunately, usually there is nothing that most of us can do about in-law parenting 'advice' and opinions offered where not wanted. Heck - in my case it's my own darling mother and not the in-law where we get this a LOT. If you are not willing (as most of us are not) to change the relationship - move, limit her visits, do not allow her 'alone' time with the kids, etc (which IMO overall would have a detrimental effect on the grandkids unless the grandparents' actions were actually harming them directly and frequently), then we need to buck it up and deal with it. I mean - by all means tell her that this topic is not one you want to discuss with her with or without dd around - but she might slip in comments anyway - they tend to do that. I try to look at it as a whole - take a year of my child's life - my mom is MOSTLY great with them - and helps me a lot with babysitting, etc. so I try to look at it as the small amount of time that she says and does things that drive my crazy is worth it for the good things (not always easy to do though).

2 - I just had ds evaluated for Asperger's in March (he was 4, almost 5 at the time). I wanted to 'warn' you that if your experience is anything like ours - if you are not experiencing daily effects from her 'syptoms' that is making it difficult to function in day to day life - they might not give you the diagnosis (or lack thereof) that you seek. In our case - ds exhibits some mild characteristics and on occassion has 'outbursts' of behavior linked to those characteristics, but on a day to day basis - we are very lucky that we do not have major things going on other than changing our own behaviors to give him the 'warnings' and 'step by step' of what is going to be happening well before it does so that he can better deal with things. So, the doctor basically said that yes he does have some symptoms but that he wasn't going to diagnose it unless I needed him to (like, for example, if we felt he needed extra assistance given at school). Other than that - they gave me the option of seeing psychologists to work with him on 'appropriate' behaviors, if needed or just told us to do more role playing with him at home. So, no clear black and white answers for me. We opted to wait to see how kindergarten goes. He's been in since Sept and so far we are encouraged. The parent-teacher conference is in a couple more weeks and I am anxious to hear whether or not she has noticed any inappropriate behaviors.

Other than that I will offer to say to her 'it is fine if you want to cancel your trip - but WE'RE still going'. After all - it's up to her whether or not she wants to go, but I certainly wouldn't uninvite her. That's why families stick - because we HAVE to deal with them - the good and the bad.

 

[GoingtoWDWagain]

After being with my DH for 19 years, 14 married, your MIL will never change. I've had to deal with her ways for many years, take the comments etc....not worth it, they will just continue to do it. We teach people how to treat us and I allowed this for too many years, too many years. Now that I don't allow her to speak to me the way she did and about the things that really should not concern her, she stays away. Your husband has to be a part of the conversation as far as letting her know how you both feel when she comments the way she does, if you address her on your own this can easily turn into a issue soley between her and you and may escalate from there. As I stated, you best bet is for you and your husband to address her. As for the vacation, I learned after bringing my MIL on three seperate trips that it was not a wise choice. If she gives her opinions freely now what makes you think it will be any different on vacation. I went through being under that microscope for far too long and vacation is not the place nor time to have someone watching your every move and even worse commenting on it. Her son to her is perfection based on what you stated and my MIL seems to feel and think the same. When I once made a negative comment about him she said, "it was my fault". So, making statements about your husband to her will only add wood to the fire. Your vacation should be for you and your family to enjoy and not for dealing with nonsense. Your not sure as to what to expect from her during your trip other then her comments, so why take the chance of ruining your trip by finding ways to deal with her. My MIL never tried to find a way to deal with me, she said what she wanted to whenever she wanted to and I took it. Don't put yourself in that position, you'll only end up unhappy during your vacation and missing out on those wonderful moments with your children and husband because your trying to deal with dear MIL. Let your husband to tell her that you both decided you would like to take this trip alone with your children, especially with what is going on with DD. She won't like it but, the most important thing is to do what is best for you and your family during this vacation and not worry about how she feels about joining on a trip, if she's not selfish it shouldn't bother her and she should be understanding. What's most important is your family!!!

Good luck! I pray all goes well, I remember having to deal with my MIL until I decided I don't have to tolorate such nonsense.

 

[tlbwriter]

The best way to address your MIL will only work if DH agrees that she is being intrusive and must be stopped. Does he agree with you, or does he think she's "just trying to help?"

Anyway, anytime she brings it up, refuse to talk about the subject, and be prepared to hang up or walk away if she continues. Tell her "MIL, this is not up for discussion. It is between our family and our pediatrician." Continue to repeat the same thing. Never explain anything, never tell her what's going on, never even give her a clue, because that is a crack for her to weasel her way back in. Just say no. "No, we are not going to talk about this." Don't even explain why you won't discuss it with her, because that gives her something to argue against. Just say no. And, again, you have to be prepared to hang up or walk away if she will not give up. If it happens in WDW, tell her "MIL, we are here to have fun. I've already informed you that we are not discussing this issue with you. Are you going to drop it, or are we going to separate for the rest of the day?"

 

[Tinkerbell2002]

No advice for you but just a thought. Maybe your mil got upset at the comment about your dh because you were saying something she perceived as a negative comment about her baby. I don't know. My kids are very young but I don't know if that protective instinct (do not do anything mean to my babies feeling) ever goes away. So maybe that is why she got defensive over that statement. Not that you did anything wrong, just giving you a thought on why maybe she acted the way she did.

That being said, good luck on your trip with mil. We went to WDW with my mom and mil (2 separate trips) and the trips were both a lot of fun but definitely included some different stresses that do not accompany our family vacations that are just me, dh, and the kids.

 

[badblackpug]

I wouldn't say anything to her or confront her about the issue before the trip. Just so it wouldn't create an air of hostility before leaving. If she did say something during the trip I would say to her: "We will have to agree to disagree on this subject, we are here to have fun and relax, we will deal with the issue when we get back home, so let's just drop it for now."

 

[merryweather's twin]

Hi, I have a son with PDD on the Autism scale and ADHD. I am always sorry to hear about a fellow parent going through this. We realized that our son was different at 3yo. It took 13 doctors and many tests and 3 months to know what was wrong.(the hardest 3 months ever ) All I can say the more therapy and help you can give your child the better. Time is a big factor here!(our son is almost "normal"now but at 4yo he had over 23 therapists 2 pre schools and countless Drs. ) Also check with your Ins co asap! Most of these type of disabilitys are not covered by Ins. we did not discover that untill we got the bills from all the Drs. for all the tests they ran! Do not panic there is many ways to get her help without cost or at a lower cost .We used the school for 1 preschool and speech and Otc therapy. And we have a university here in town and we got a lot of help (speech therapy)from their speech and hearing clinic.

At the same time please go to WDW and have fun with your family. WDW was the glue that held my family together and gave us hope for the future in a very dark time. WDW was the one place on earth where my son fit in and could be himself without being out of place. It was my moment of normal in a sea of differing ideas coming from all directions.

Just hold tight to your DH and your sweet girl and let your MIL know you understand her concern and will need her help if your Dr. gives you bad news. But for know you think that keeping things as normal and upbeat as you all can will be the best help she can give your daughter and your family.And you want this trip to be very special for your DD.

 

[kimberh]

You have received some very good advice. One thing that I want to add is, next to the parents Love is the grandparents love. I had Mother in law issues for 33 years, this year has been peaceful... my children love their grandmother. There are times that they need her. I hope this all works out for you and it doesn't continue for years as mine did. My husband ended up having enough, it took a long time, but I was at my wits end!