Vent about my aging parents

[MushyMushy]

They're driving me nuts!

I may not make sense, but I just want to vent. My dad's hobby used to be car repair. He loved nothing better than to be under the hood of a car and spent hours in the garage. Now that he's older, he just can't do it anymore. He feels utterly worthless these days because he can't even change his own oil, and even the things he can do, my mother won't let him. She says it's because she's worried he'll hurt himself, but it's more her way of controlling him. She sure doesn't have any problem working him to death on her behalf, but that's a whole nuther rant.

One thing I do to make him feel needed is to get him to take my car to get the oil changed and inspections when it's time. He loves being at a garage and most of the people in our small town know him and are really nice to him.

Anyway, DH had a tire blowout on Thursday, and we were going to get it fixed today. My dad saw the car sitting in the driveway and asked me about it. He was upset because we didn't ask him to take care of it for us. He was in tears, going on and on about how he's worthless now and that my mother doesn't think he's capable of anything. I felt so bad.

So I called to see if my dad would take the car to the tire shop and had to go through my mother because he can't use the telephone (something about his hearing aid and he can't hear the receiver). She had a fit and went on and on about how he has to stay home to help her bake a pie and that we can't do anything for ourselves. I told her to forget I even asked.

Not 10 minutes later, he came to our house practically begging to let him do it. We gave him the money, and he left happy.

Anyway, I guess we can't please them both.

Have any of you encountered problems like this with your aging parents? I just feel so bad for my dad. He's like a prisoner in that house with my mom, and she wants to control everything he does.

 

[L107ANGEL]

Wow, it sounds like you need to bust Dad out of there! Sorry I have no advice but I can tell you love your Dad alot and this must hurt to watch

 

[diznygirl]

Jeepers! How hard is it to bake a pie??!!!!!

We have encountered this prob with an older relative who is living with his son now. He doesn't get his way a lot, but I figure he should be able to speak up for himself. We aren't close, so I can't get involved. Sounds like you are smack-dab in the middle of this one, however. Maybe tell your mom to get off your back, your dad makes his own decisions and she can take it up with him?

Good luck!

 

[Chattyaholic]

Oh, I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I think the older our parents get the more childlike they become. It's difficult to deal with them sometimes, so I can sympathize. My Dad is going to be 75 next month and he has a lot of health problems. Mom is 69 and takes care of him, but she complains all the time about it. I go up once a week to visit and that's about all I hear, her complaining about him and he's sitting right there!!

She says it's getting hard on her, so I suggest maybe it's time for him to go to a nursing home. Then she feels guilty for thinking about it.

And I'm an "only child" so I have to deal with it all. It gets stressful. Sometimes I wish we lived a little bit further away from them.

 

[allie&mattsmom]

Aww, I don't really have any advice either but wanted to offer a hug. That has got to really break your heart.

 

[Keli]

My MIL tends to do this to my FIL to some extent but no where near the level you are describing. Actually, I think what it is for my IL's is that my FIL does try to do too much (he's seriously hurt himself doing stuff he had no business doing at his age) and my MIL is trying to slow him down but she goes overboard and then he's miserable just sitting around.
I've noticed she's backed off a lot in the last several months though and I think he's using more common sense about what he can and can't do physically since he hasn't hurt himself in quite a while (at least no broken bones, nothing more serious than strained muscles).

 

[Chuck S]

A suggestion that may help your dad with the phone...try getting a good quality speaker phone, and see if he can hear/understand it better than a hand held receiver.

The stuff that is going on between your Mom & Dad is not uncommon in older couples once they reach retirement age I see the exact same thing in in another couple Mom & I are friends with. The woman won't go shopping, but makes lists for the husband to purchase. He bought a bar of soap that wasn;t on the list one day, she made him take it back...it wasn't on HER list. It wasn't a brand she liked, and he had to take it back THEN, never mind that it cost more in gas to do that than the soap cost.

 

[MushyMushy]

Thanks for the kind words, guys. Chuck, that's a great idea! I'll have to see if I can find something for him because with him not being able to answer the phone, he can get pretty isolated.

Chatty, you're right about them being childlike. It must be so hard for them to not be able to do what they used to do without thinking twice. I've always felt bad for my dad. My mother has spend most of their marriage emasculating him, demeaning him, and just flat out mentally abusing him. I don't know why he never left her. If he had, my sister and I would have lived with him in a heartbeat.

It's a little worse since they've retired, but it's always been pretty bad with them.

 

[mrsv98]

It sounds to me like your DMom is afraid of losing your DDad and by controling him, she is trying to keep him "safe". Can you talk to your mom? Tell her that your dad seems so sad and suggest that letting him help out will cheer him up. Retired men who are active and engaged live a lot longer than those chained to a house.

Good luck

 

[MushyMushy]

It sounds to me like your DMom is afraid of losing your DDad and by controling him, she is trying to keep him "safe". Can you talk to your mom? Tell her that your dad seems so sad and suggest that letting him help out will cheer him up. Retired men who are active and engaged live a lot longer than those chained to a house.

Good luck

There's no talking to my mother about anything. The only person who might possibly be able to talk any sense into her is my uncle and he totally encourages her! It's just awful.

 

[Cool-Beans]

One thing I try, since my dad can't do a lot of the stuff he used to do, is have him walk me through it. I could have DH do it, but this way, Dad gets to feel needed (important to him), I get to learn a new skill (putting up a shelf) and we get to spend time together.

As for the relationship between parents, it is best to stay out of it. Mine have their issues, as well, but they aren't going to change for us, that's for sure.

Good luck!

 

[Serena]

Oh, your poor dad. I'm sure your mom has her reasons, but for the life of me I can't figure out what. lol
But I would be butting in now and then. I'd need a lot more help from dad. Is there anyone he can teach to do the stuff he always did? Anyone that he could "help"?

 

[Talking Hands]

Also check with your state deaf services. In Florida if you are hearing impaired you are entitled to a free amplified phone or tty. There is a form your audiologist or ENT fills out and then you go to a distribution location and pick it up.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

my mother's like that with my dad too, it's so annoying. she won't let him do anything, she's very controlling. she tries to do it with me too, but it doesn't quite have the same effect. she gets angry with me if i have somewhere to go or if i'm going out or something.

she does the same thing with my dad. he loves to fix computers and do handy work and some friends ask him to come over and fix things and they'll pay him, and she'll get all angry and start yelling "TELL THEM YOU'RE BUSY!"

she makes him do all the house work. she works and he's disabled, but she makes him do all the work and she works, comes home, eats dinner and lays on the couch and falls asleep on the couch. then gets angry when dishes or laundry isn't done.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Also check with your state deaf services. In Florida if you are hearing impaired you are entitled to a free amplified phone or tty. There is a form your audiologist or ENT fills out and then you go to a distribution location and pick it up.

We are in New Hampshire and my father has a special phone. I believe it was free here also.

 

[Hillbeans]

My father is 73 and retired from the Civilian Military years ago. He now works PT as an editor at an Advertising firm and I know that this job keeps him active and busy. I wonder why at his age he's still working but I think he'd go crazy if he stopped.

Is there anything that your father could do PT? Maybe he could be a crossing guard or something for an hour or two a day where he could feel as if he's making a difference? Could he volunteer at a local hospital or shelter or Fire hall? Go to a local Retirement home and read stories to the residents???

All of us, whether we are 9 or 99 want to feel important, and your dad is no different. I think a lot of us young "folk" who are working the daily grind can't wait until retirement, but once we get to retirement age, some of us will see that it's not what it's cracked up to be (staying home and not working).

Good luck Mushy!

 

[Pop Daddy]

one time my mom called at 4;30 a/m, I seen ehr on the caller Id and I thought she hada heart attack or somthing, I answered and she started giving me some order for shoes , i said 'mom" she said she called home shopping network why did I answer the phone , she still insist she dialed the homeshopping netwrok

 

[ilovepcot]

My mom *always* answers the phone and she won't even let me speak with my dad! She tells me he's either had a bad day or is sleeping. I'm an only child and 750 miles from them and this is becoming worrisome! And, they're elderly and in very bad health.

I've spent nearly 4 months with them this past year in an attempt to handle some medical matters for them both. When parents get old, it can be far worse than dealing with small children. With children you can get away with saying, "because I said so" but with elderly parents you try (at least I still do at this point ) to be respectful of their feelings. It's not always easy.

And POPDADDY...that's funny!

 

[Cantw8]

one time my mom called at 4;30 a/m, I seen ehr on the caller Id and I thought she hada heart attack or somthing, I answered and she started giving me some order for shoes , i said 'mom" she said she called home shopping network why did I answer the phone , she still insist she dialed the homeshopping netwrok

long post

 

[MushyMushy]

My mom *always* answers the phone and she won't even let me speak with my dad! She tells me he's either had a bad day or is sleeping. I'm an only child and 750 miles from them and this is becoming worrisome! And, they're elderly and in very bad health.

I've spent nearly 4 months with them this past year in an attempt to handle some medical matters for them both. When parents get old, it can be far worse than dealing with small children. With children you can get away with saying, "because I said so" but with elderly parents you try (at least I still do at this point ) to be respectful of their feelings. It's not always easy.

And POPDADDY...that's funny!

That is worrisome! Do you know anyone nearby who can check on them or get a message to your dad that you want to talk to him alone? It must be so difficult for you to be so far away. I live too close for comfort, actually. We live a block away from my parents. There are times (times, heh! more like all the time) that I want to move away just so we can have some distance, but then I realize that it might actually make things much harder to deal with. I feel so trapped living here.

My dad comes to my house a few times a day so he can vent about my mother or just get away from her. Sometimes he just pets my dog and leaves, and other times he unloads on me.

FTR, I didn't mention this, but my mother is in a wheelchair and can't/won't really care for herself. I add "won't" in there because a lot of her problems are self-induced. She refuses physical therapy of any kind and won't move her body at all. She's also morbidly obese and is gaining more and more weight all the time. So she does need my dad, but she's also killing him at the same time.