Vacationing with a friend and her kid is a nightmare!

[jerseygirl82]

I feel like a lot of PPs are trying to pardon the behavior due to the child's age and I couldn't disagree more. Just bc a child is 2.5 doesn't give her free license to hurt another child or break someone else's belongings. The fact that this happened repeatedly makes it sound like your friend did nothing to correct the behavior and that is completely unacceptable. As another poster mentioned, I would be horrified if my dd was behaving like this and would do everything in my power to attempt to rectify the situation.

 

[jerseygirl82]

Yeah, I wouldn't blame the other Mom too much, unless she isn't even trying and doesn't seem to notice or apologize. She should be tripping over herself to say "I'm so sorry, I really hope this is a phase" while correcting the behavior. Kids that age can bit little snots. And can just as quickly turn into little angels until the next little snot stage hits.

In the meantime, physical separation. And you've learned a lesson on vacationing with friends. We made the same mistake once - the kids were older so there wasn't the shoving - but there was the extensive whining, the spoiled, the whole "this was a really bad idea" experience.

So who should take responsibility??? Some of these responses are downright terrifying

 

[mjkacmom]

So who should take responsibility??? Some of these responses are downright terrifying

This is a toddler, and apparently a tough one. You really think you can tell a toddler not to hit, and that's it, she won't do it again? It sound like the mom should have been watching her child better, to anticipate problems like hitting or taking toys, and I assume the OP, having only one child herself, should've been watching and preventing, as well. With kids this age, the key is anticipation, and prevention. If items keep getting broken, for goodness sake, put them away. Keep the kids separated as much as possible. Having five kids, including a set of twins, prevention as key.

 

[mrsabbott]

I am not an expert, although I have 4 children myself, am an Early Childhood Education major, worked 4 years with children with behavioral issues, and worked in a daycare center with toddlers.. so take my 2 cents with a grain of salt.

Yes, toddlers CAN and WILL learn to manipulate and get their own way at age 2. If you have a parent who is not consistent, and gives in to their child and allows their child to control the situation.. then yes, a child that young can become aggressive and "mean" and will throw temper tantrums. That is what they have learned it takes to get attention and get their way and so that is what they do.

That said, there ARE children who have issues (autism, for example, but there are many others) that will cause them to react to their environment and other people in a negative way. There are children who are incredibly strong willed and can wear a parent out with their constant tantrums and battle of wills.

The thing is.. the problem has nothing to do with the reasoning why this child is acting the way she is. Perhaps it is the mother is too overwhelmed. Perhaps she isn't consistent and gives in. Perhaps the child has some undiagnosed issues going on, perhaps she is just acting a little bratty.

My biggest issue would be with how this child's mother is handling the repercussions of her child's behavior. As a parent, if my child were aggressive towards another, I would be appalled. I would certainly be the one to put MYSELF between my child and the other one.. I would be purchasing replacements of the things that my child destroyed. I would be apologizing profusely and doing whatever I could to make amends. Especially to a friend who is providing a FREE vacation for me and my children.

My children aren't perfect. There are times where I have had to remove myself and my child from an outing with friends because of their bad behavior and tantrums. I have had to leave the grocery store and a cart of groceries because my child was so out of control and throwing such a tantrum. I apologized over and over to the worker that they had to put away the food I had tried to purchase and was so embarrassed! I have had to replace damaged items that my children have broken.

This mother should be accepting responsibility and making amends for the issues that her daughter has caused.. it doesn't matter the REASON why the child is acting that way. What matters is that the OP's friend isn't taking responsibility or trying to make amends to the "ruined" items and vacation.

 

[maxiesmom]

[QUOTE="mrsabbott, post: 54202926, member: 317681"

This mother should be accepting responsibility and making amends for the issues that her daughter has caused.. it doesn't matter the REASON why the child is acting that way. What matters is that the OP's friend isn't taking responsibility or trying to make amends to the "ruined" items and vacation.[/QUOTE]

Exactly. The OP hasn't said what steps her friend has taken, if any, to control her child. That is a big chuck of the story left out. I agree too the other mom should be the one stepping up, and if she isn't she really isn't being much of a friend, imho.

 

[Alesia]

I can't imagine a 2 year old us being purposefully mean or destructive.

As someone who worked in daycare and preschool for nearly 20 years, I can assure you that they can be. In fact, that's their natural state. It's a parent's job to teach them how to behave - both by modeling good behavior and by correcting bad behavior.

 

[mjkacmom]

As someone who worked in daycare and preschool for nearly 20 years, I can assure you that they can be. In fact, that's their natural state. It's a parent's job to teach them how to behave - both by modeling good behavior and by correcting bad behavior.

Yes, they have to be taught, and some learn much quicker than others. However, this was a small one sided window into the vacation. What I can't understand is that if this little girl is such a terror, and her mom such an ineffective bad parent, why the OP invited her? I mean, the OP could've just kept the hotel room for herself and dd - the vacation would have cost her exactly the same either way (I assume her friend used her DH's ticket, and her friend's kids were free). Maybe she overlooked the potential problems so she wouldn't have to drive alone, and could have some adult conversations. Did this woman stand by and do nothing while her child hit another child?

 

[maxiesmom]

Yes, they have to be taught, and some learn much quicker than others. However, this was a small one sided window into the vacation. What I can't understand is that if this little girl is such a terror, and her mom such an ineffective bad parent, why the OP invited her? I mean, the OP could've just kept the hotel room for herself and dd - the vacation would have cost her exactly the same either way (I assume her friend used her DH's ticket, and her friend's kids were free). Maybe she overlooked the potential problems so she wouldn't have to drive alone, and could have some adult conversations. Did this woman stand by and do nothing while her child hit another child?

It could very well be the child is acting out because she is at someplace new, and behaves totally different at home.

 

[Dizlvr]

It could very well be the child is acting out because she is at someplace new, and behaves totally different at home.

That is my assumption. An overstimulated, overtired 2.5 year old at WDW is going to act different than when they are home. Its possible the OP has never seen this side of the child, and mom before. What could be typical "terrible 2's" behavior at home could be times 100 at WDW.

I wish the OP would come back with some more details. I really would like to know what the mom was doing to handle the situation, if anything.

 

[Nettester]

Here's what I would do. If you still have any more days left of this vacation, tell friend you are planning to take some one on one time with your DD at Magic Kingdom (or wherever) and that you will see her and her kids later. If you have Fast Pass or ADRs together someplace, let her take them, and go make another plan, or be spontaneous. Let your DD lead. Maybe repeat some of her favorites, or whatever she would delight in. If you are getting set to leave, just get through it the best you can, and don't leave your DD alone with her kids for a second. 3 is not too young to have a voice on who you wish to spend time with. You may be good friends with the Mom, but the kids needn't be forced together if your daughter is being tormented. Give your DD more control of here. I would not be offering to get the kids together. And if your friend wants to make those plans, ask DD if SHE wants to go to the playground with "Sally" She'll probably say "NO!" and at that point you tell your friend politely, "I'm sorry, but DD isn't up for playing with Sally" Give your friend credit enough to realize that after that is said a few times, she'll figure out why your DD doesn't want to play with hers. You can still offer to get together without the kids if you feel you have a close friendship worth maintaining. I wouldn't burn bridges, because we're talking about very young kids here who could very well mature out of this behavior. And if your DD DOES at some time want to get together, I still would. But I'd personally supervise at all times, keep it short, not bring out any special breakable toys, have an exit plan, and no more vacations together!

 

[chocolatemint]

She pushes and hits my daughter nonstop, she throws fits and yells and cries and kicks and just goes on and on and mom eventually gives in.

That kid has her mom well trained.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I brought my friend because she was able to use DHs ticket and her kids were free. I paid everything except their food for the trip. We had a townhouse, so we slept in separate rooms. I invited her because I didnt realize what a nightmare her daughter would be. My friend was embarassed but honestly she doesn't handle stress well and just kind of shuts down and pretends it isnt happening.

We made it home intact. i did have my friend remove her daughter's shoes and leave them off because she was repeatedly kicking my child. She kicks her baby sister too, but i guess friend is ok with that.

Friends daughter spent about 5 hours of the 13 hour drive screaming and yelling and crying and kicking. I need a stiff drink.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

The biggest reason I invited them was because I am uncomfortable traveling alone, especially for such a long drive.

The kid's mom is a dear friend, and I love her children. I knew her daughter could throw fits now and again, but I have never seen it this bad. I guess I didn't think this through properly. I wont be traveling with other families anymore.

 

[Ladygoldenhair]

The there is a ton of sensory stimulation at Disney. For a child showing sensory processing issues this behavior seems while not acceptable, but expected. The mistake was taking someone with kids that little.
Then again taking any friends, even older or seniors can backfire.......been there.

I think this Mom as he little gets to day care and preschool will have some diagx and support to help her understand needs of this little one. I would think before asking them to go on the trip some of the unrestricked acting out would have showed. Perhaps it just blew up at Disney..

That is a long, long ride home. Patience and some prayers will help. Maybe have mom ride in the back with her if it's a 7-8 passenger van.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

Hi OP! First, I am really sorry you had such a rough trip. I hope that you and your daughter also had some good times and made some nice memories together.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you never saw this little girl act quite this badly before. It sounds like she has some issues normally but nothing this extreme so you were very surprised. I obviously do not know the girl or mother so I am just guessing but here are some thoughts on why this may have happened.

-The kid has some issues (sensory, ADHD, aspergers/autism)
-The kid is going through a rough phase (trouble with newborn sister, testing limits etc.)
-The father is the one who calms her down normally and he was not there/missing daddy

There are lots of reasons why a child would fall apart at Disney:

-Trip started off as a 13 hour car ride
-WDW is a sensory nightmare!
-WDW in August is HOT
-Mom is spending a lot of time feeding and changing baby, this kid wants attention
-Kid is travelling with another family and daddy is not here
-Kid has no idea how long this situation is going to last
-Kid cannot deal with being sandwiched between strangers on line
-Kid cannot deal with all the waiting
-Kid is hardwired as inflexible and WDW vacation requires some level of flexibility

I am still not sure from what you wrote exactly how the mom responded. Did she say anything about the behavior? She really should have known taking her 2.5 year old and 9 month old to Disney with a friend would probably not be a good idea. She knows her kids. You said she can’t tolerate stress and shuts down…..she should have not accepted the invitation to vacation with you.

You didn’t do anything wrong OP and I am sorry you had to go through this. I hope the other mom learns her lesson and realizes she cannot handle such a stressful situation on her own with these 2 little kids. I would NEVER have gone to Disney with my kids that young without my husband. For us, the 2 of us are required for a trip like that! Gosh, I rarely took both my girls to the grocery store by myself when they were that age and having a friend along wouldn’t have made it better!

 

[pigletgirl]

The biggest reason I invited them was because I am uncomfortable traveling alone, especially for such a long drive.

The kid's mom is a dear friend, and I love her children. I knew her daughter could throw fits now and again, but I have never seen it this bad. I guess I didn't think this through properly. I wont be traveling with other families anymore.

You wouldn't want to loose a friendship over this, would you? Why don't you have her over for coffee and talk it through? I'm sure she feels horrible for how her two year old daughter acted. I know I would have been mortified. It's incredibly embarrassing.

 

[crisi]

So who should take responsibility??? Some of these responses are downright terrifying

The adults, both of them. That's what adults do with toddlers. The mother of the child who is acting out should certainly be apologetic and doing what she can, but its important to understand that toddlers cannot be watched every second and are their own little irrational human beings - sometimes they are little brats even with the best parenting. The mother of the child being victimized needs to watch her child and her child's possessions to keep both out of reach of the little terror. As a grown up who is responsible, if I'm around someone who treats me poorly, I remove myself from the situation. Its the mother's job in this case to do the same for her child.

Bu the way, since it appears that "friend" is not being at all apologetic or really trying to stop this, this WOULD be the end of the friendship - and I'd seriously, given her behavior - the adult, not the child, be telling her she needs to find her own way home.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Just the trip idea in general sounds like a nightmare!! Two moms and 3 kids under 3? Nooooooo thank you.

 

[alicat8]

1. I agree 110% with mrsabbott
2. We just went away with a friend and her kids and we were BOTH all over our children for how they treated each other-they're young and sometimes get too physical. If your friend wasn't removing her daughter from the situations, I'd have a huge problem with that. I don't care how tired I am, or how much of a terror my kid is, you don't ever let them hurt other people or other people's things. If they are out of control-hitting, kicking, they leave-removed from the situation-period. I know that doesn't help your situation as how to deal since this is all her fault, but I'm not sure I could continue to be friends with someone who basically allowed her kid to torment mine for an entire Disney trip.

 

[danceintherain]

I wouldn't completely out vacationing with other families in the future. However, I would adjust my expectations and do a test run somewhere lower pressure before taking on a super long car ride and Disney with no place to escape. It sounds to me as if the mother doesn't react well to her child. Tantrums other places, even not as bad, would have been the first indication to me that everything would be worse in a higher stress environment.

Anyway, lesson learned but just make sure you didn't learn the wrong lesson.