Vacationing with a friend and her kid is a nightmare!

[Happyinwonerland]

Long story short, DH couldn't go on our trip, so I brought my friend and her 2 daughters, ages 30 months and 9 months, along with my DD who just turned 3 this week. And honestly, her daughter 's behavior ruined the trip. I'm
so appalled. she pushes and hits my daughter nonstop, she throws fits and yells and cries and kicks and just goes on and on and mom eventually gives in. Mostly, the hitting and kicking is what is getting to me. I cant take someone hurting my kid all the time, especially since DD is so easy going and good natured .

She also broke several.of DD's things this trip, to the point DD said "I wish she would stop breaking things".

Any advice on how to handle this? I plan to distance ourselves for a bit when we return home, but in the meantime, we have a 13 hour drive home and i am ready to leave her daughter at a rest stop somewhere

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

Sometimes it's hard to love other people's kids--even tolerating them is tough at times. The little girl is only 2 1/2, and not all kids are the same. I think some leniency is called for here. I have one kid who was thoughtful, kind, calm, and well-mannered at that age. I also have one who was an unholy terror, extremely challenging, hyperactive, and would lash out physically, even though we don't practice or condone any of that behavior in our house. Where did she learn it? Idk. Now that she's older I'm noticing more and more impulsive behavior patterns that indicate that she may have ADHD. So probably my daughter has struggled because of a biological difference in her brain, this little girl may be going through something similar, you never know. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

In your situation, I would try being hyper-vigilant about supervising your daughter's interactions with the girl. Make your body a physical barrier between the two of them as often as possible. Don't seat them next to each other in the car, keep the possessions separate.

I know you're struggling with trying to tolerate her, but remember that this little girl is a child. Someone else's child. You can't always control other people's kids, but you can use this experience to model appropriate responses to the behavior, you can redirect your daughter if she wants to play with her "friend", and you can do your best to swallow your inner mama bear instincts for the sake of a peaceful car ride home. Good luck.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with the PP - kids are different. My first child was so easy (because I was such a great mom). Twenty months later, came demon baby. He got better as a toddler - he was happier (outgrew his horrible reflux), but he was active. BTDT with 13 hour car rides with him, and they were not fun.

When they were older, the tables turned, with the oldest an emotional hormonal handful (ages 10 - 15), while he was a sweet, calm adolescent/teen. She's 19, he's 17, and I'll take him over her any day. I have three others, and the position of favorite child is always fluid.

You really can't judge a 2 year old (not saying I haven't, but I learned not to, because someday that could be your 2 year old).

 

[happymommy]

Just chiming in to say we're here for you!
Good luck with the drive.
It does sound a lot like ADHD; my son had it and was impulsive (but never hit).
I do think when it comes to hitting, you have every right to put a firm stop to it, by telling the other child and/or her mother. That is not acceptable.

 

[Tiffylv]

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[maxiesmom]

What is the other mom doing? If her child is breaking things to the point that it sounds like, she needs to stop the behavior or pay for what is being broken.

 

[joannjoe]

In your situation, I would try being hyper-vigilant about supervising your daughter's interactions with the girl. Make your body a physical barrier between the two of them as often as possible. Don't seat them next to each other in the car, keep the possessions separate.

Excellent advice!!

 

[Twice_as_Nice]

Man that's tough. At 2.5 she could be reacting, as children normally do, to the addition of a sibling. She could have already been having a difficult time with the transition and then adding in your daughter to the mix, yet another child to take attention and one who is better behaved, just added fuel to the fire Disney or not.

I wouldn't be afraid to have a chat with your friend one evening when you find a quiet moment out of earshot of the kids. If she is a real good friend, which I assume she is since you are vacationing together, then she may appreciate an understanding ear and another Mom to vent to. I bet she is having just as difficult time with the daughters behaviour as you are. Imagine having a new baby and a child who is unruly. Her giving in is likely a reaction to just not knowing what to do, that ends up making it worse.

I agree with keeping the children separate, things separate and being proactive about watching them together.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Thanks for the advice. I know shes just a little girl and I have tried to be very gentle with her, but I do fear her really hurting my child. She shoved her down while waiting for magic carpets of aladdin. DD hit her head hard against the metal fence . She left claw marks all over my child from scratching. And the breaking things is killing me. I already paid for their vacation, I don't want to have to buy everything twice.

I'm sure her mom i stressed, but she has made her parenting decisions and these are her consequences, and i hate that, but i also hate that she is hurting my child.

We will take a break from play dates when we get home. I hate that this could come between the friendship. but i also dont want my daughter mimicking the behavior.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

I agree with other PP's. This child probably has something going on (adhd, high functioning autism, some other neurodevelopmental issue, or possibly reacting to younger sibling birth). Kids do well when they can, and if this child is having issues then something is getting in their way.

I am wondering how exactly the mom is reacting. Does she seem embarrassed? Does she seem exhausted? Does she try to calm her child? Does she address the hitting? Trying time outs?

How has the girl been on rides? Holding hands over ears?

If your child is well behaved then i am sure you think you are the reason for that. As a parent of a child who everyone thinks is angel and the parent of a child who has displayed several behavior issues, i can tell you this:
1. People who have well behaved kids generally give themselves too much credit for their kids behavior.
2. People who have a child with behavior issues generally beats themselves up about their kids behavior.

Sure good parenting goes a long way but it can't fix who a child is. Some kids do not respond to traditional parenting methods and it takes YEARS to figure out how to best parent complicated kids.

You have to survive a car ride. This mom lives this life with this child day in and day out. If you are a good friend you will stay by her side and maybe even offer her respite one night so she can get a break. You obviously like her since you invited her to vacation with you.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

I'm sure her mom i stressed, but she has made her parenting decisions and these are her consequences, and i hate that, but i also hate that she is hurting my child.

So you are saying she is making poor parenting decisions and therefore deserves to have an out of control child as a consequence? Did you think this before the wdw vacation? If so, why did you invite them?

I understand you want to protect your child of course. I am just confused. Does this girl hit your kid on playdates? If so why would you take them to WDW????

 

[Alesia]

So you are saying she is making poor parenting decisions and therefore deserves to have an out of control child as a consequence? Did you think this before the wdw vacation? If so, why did you invite them?

I understand you want to protect your child of course. I am just confused. Does this girl hit your kid on playdates? If so why would you take them to WDW????

I think she's saying that her friend's poor parenting decisions have caused the situation. Not all children act out because of some "hidden disability." Sometimes they're just brats because their parents refuse to teach them how to behave properly.

But I have to agree with your second point. OP, surely this is the first indication that she's mean to your daughter - why would you bring her on vacation?

 

[Dizlvr]

You have to survive a car ride. This mom lives this life with this child day in and day out. If you are a good friend you will stay by her side and maybe even offer her respite one night so she can get a break. You obviously like her since you invited her to vacation with you.

I have to completely disagree with this. The OP's first responsibility is to her own child, not offering her friend some respite from her out of control child.

OP, I would have no problem reprimanding that child if the mother isn't doing it. If you think something is going on with the child other than just being horribly behaved because mom allows it, then as a friend its okay to bring that up to your friend. I think I would distance myself from them but let her know why.

 

[Alesia]

I have to completely disagree with this. The OP's first responsibility is to her own child, not offering her friend some respite from her out of control child.

OP, I would have no problem reprimanding that child if the mother isn't doing it. If you think something is going on with the child other than just being horribly behaved because mom allows it, then as a friend its okay to bring that up to your friend. I think I would distance myself from them but let her know why.

I completely agree.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

I have to completely disagree with this. The OP's first responsibility is to her own child, not offering her friend some respite from her out of control child.

OP, I would have no problem reprimanding that child if the mother isn't doing it. If you think something is going on with the child other than just being horribly behaved because mom allows it, then as a friend its okay to bring that up to your friend. I think I would distance myself from them but let her know why.

I actually agree with you, her first responsibility is her own child and keeping her safe, absolutely. My point was if they were such good friends before, she shouldn't abandon her friend because the daughter had issues at WDW. I said "maybe" consider offering her respite in the future if she is super stressed out. Not saying she needs to, just something to think about in general when you have a friend w a child with special needs. But my assumption is that this kid is not a brat. I also assume this mother did not create this problem. The child is 2.5. Something is up.

I look forward to hearing back from OP about how this child behaves at home and if this behavior is different than the WDW behavior.

 

[Dizlvr]

I actually agree with you, her first responsibility is her own child and keeping her safe, absolutely. My point was if they were such good friends before, she shouldn't abandon her friend because the daughter had issues at WDW. I said "maybe" consider offering her respite in the future if she is super stressed out. Not saying she needs to, just something to think about in general when you have a friend w a child with special needs. But my assumption is that this kid is not a brat. I also assume this mother did not create this problem. The child is 2.5. Something is up.

I look forward to hearing back from OP about how this child behaves at home and if this behavior is different than the WDW behavior.

Sorry I misunderstood.

 

[Accident]

Any advice on how to handle this? I plan to distance ourselves for a bit when we return home, but in the meantime, we have a 13 hour drive home and i am ready to leave her daughter at a rest stop somewhere

I wouldn't wait until we got home but i'm not sure what to suggest as the whole situation of who is paying and how they are staying with you is unclear.

With that said, from the description this leads me to wonder if there is more to this situation than it appears. I have a mildly autistic neighbor and you would never know it except he acts very similar to what your describing. he was only diagnosed when he reached school age and the school got involved and helped get him tested. Nobody wants to hear their child might have a condition but this sounds like something they need to look into more and start to straighten out now.

 

[Twice_as_Nice]

Thanks for the advice. I know shes just a little girl and I have tried to be very gentle with her, but I do fear her really hurting my child. She shoved her down while waiting for magic carpets of aladdin. DD hit her head hard against the metal fence . She left claw marks all over my child from scratching. And the breaking things is killing me. I already paid for their vacation, I don't want to have to buy everything twice.

I'm sure her mom i stressed, but she has made her parenting decisions and these are her consequences, and i hate that, but i also hate that she is hurting my child.

We will take a break from play dates when we get home. I hate that this could come between the friendship. but i also dont want my daughter mimicking the behavior.

What did your friend do or say when her child physically assaulted your child? Seriously I can't imagine my child doing something like that to someone, I would be mortified. If she isn't trying to handle the situation herself I would say it's WELL within reason for you to say something to her child.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think she's saying that her friend's poor parenting decisions have caused the situation. Not all children act out because of some "hidden disability." Sometimes they're just brats because their parents refuse to teach them how to behave properly.

But I have to agree with your second point. OP, surely this is the first indication that she's mean to your daughter - why would you bring her on vacation?

I believe all kids are hard wired differently. Some kids are more aggressive, some are more passive, and as parents, we guide them. At 2, the child is still learning. There is always a biter in every daycare (mine never but), or the tantrumer (mine didn't do this either), or the clingy kid (had one of these - not fun), or the cry baby (had a but of this one with one ds, the other never cried, even when hurt). Being the mom of a baby and a toddler in much harder than being the mom of a preschooler. Having a more challenging toddler makes it harder, and I'm sure being on vacation with others makes it difficult to discipline like at home on a play date, where you can immediately grab you kids and leave.

I can't imagine a 2 year old us being purposefully mean or destructive.

 

[crisi]

Yeah, I wouldn't blame the other Mom too much, unless she isn't even trying and doesn't seem to notice or apologize. She should be tripping over herself to say "I'm so sorry, I really hope this is a phase" while correcting the behavior. Kids that age can bit little snots. And can just as quickly turn into little angels until the next little snot stage hits.

In the meantime, physical separation. And you've learned a lesson on vacationing with friends. We made the same mistake once - the kids were older so there wasn't the shoving - but there was the extensive whining, the spoiled, the whole "this was a really bad idea" experience.