Vacation with my parents - HELP!!(long sorry)

[canadianmom2three]

We are going on our disney vacation with my parents, who are young and agile grandparents to our 3 kids (11,8,5). It was my decision to do so, and we did this successfully last year with DH parents. That said, part of what made it so successful imo, is that (unfortunately) MIL got a bad stomach bug, and they went their own way most days, as they wanted to go at a leisurely pace. We did meet up for all TS meals, and toured AK and part of MK together, but that's about it. Additionally the inlaws are LOVELY people, extremely reserved with their child rearing opinions, and very tolerant of any mis-behaviour from the kids. In a nutshell, they just don't interfere, EVER.
My parents, well specifically my mom, are a bit of a different story. They have a fairly low tolerance for misbehaviour, whining, crying, fighting, spilling drinks or making a mess at the dinner table etc. They don't shout at the kids or anything but do become visably stressed, and tend to 'overtalk' to the kids or make somewhat demeaning comments. EG) careful, your cup is close to the edge, oh look you're sleeve is in your plate, watch, your dripping, don't tip on your chair, you'll crack your head open and bleed to death right here, we don't want any whiners at this table, we don't like complainers.....all this in the space of 5 minutes. I am pretty easy going, if my kids cup falls off the table, they will clean it up, and they will have learned not to put it so close next time. If their chair tips (which it NEVER has) they will not very likely crack their head open and bleed to death, but they will have learned not to tip. I prefer to pick my battles over the big things, and not sweat the small stuff. I understand where they are coming from, and I really think they are trying in their own way to be helpful, and help me out with the kids. They just go about it in a way that is slightly abrasive to me. I may be over-reacting, but I know that I will feel this on our trip, and it will make me stressed. When they are acting like that I feel like I need to be super-vigilant, and enforce things that I would normally not even care about. My kids are not badly behaved, they really aren't, they have excellent manners, they are generally very respectful, and not overly messy but they ARE kids so they aren't perfect or anything. Yes, they fight, they make messes, they have accidents, and they do cry and whine occasionally (ok, for DD it is a bit more than occasionally ) but in the grand scheme of things, they are just ordinary kids. I just don't know how to address this issue with my parents, or more specifically with my mom without being offensive and hurtful to her. I want them to have a good vacation, but I also want the kids and MYSELF to have a good vacation ( and don't want to find myself losing it with her mid-vacation!). Any tips?

 

[Rylee]

Since your mother isn't likely to change her child-rearing views, I think it would help to schedule some time apart.

First - make this seem like a positive thing... something for them, (avoid hurting feelings.) Tell your Mom you've schedule some "free time" into the vacation each day, as you don't want them to feel as though they have to follow you around all day. Explain, this way she and your Dad, can spend an afternoon touring the WS at Epcot, (use whatever fits your situation) or doing other attractions that your children may become bored with.

When we travel with others, we start our day together... have a morning meeting/starting time and head to the parks, then, right before or after lunch, we may split up for awhile, with the plan to meet back up for our TS dinner reservation and the evening shows.

So, we're really only split up for about 4 hours or so... 12 - 4, 1 -5, but it gives everyone a chance to do things others may not be interested in. Sometimes we split by family, sometimes by age or interest. Some choose to stay in the parks, others return to the resort for a swim or nap, etc.

If you can split for awhile, it may help to keep tension from building up.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

Your not going to like this, but why did you do such a dumb thing and invite them then?!? You sound just like me!! My parents are (maybe...) coming to Disney with us this December.... only problem is we haven't spoken since Feb! I don't get along with my mother, she does the same crap yours does, and I just can't take it. She always had such a wonderful way to make me feel bad about myself my whole life (I was suicidal thoughout most of HS), and I see her saying the same things to my kids... something I just cannot stand for - my father just egnored everyone. So why did I invite them.... beats me! I'm just a schmuck!! I say if you think its going to ruin your trip, ditch them, you don't need someone toxic on your vacation or in your life.
Sorry I'm so harsh, just how I feel.

 

[Sandy321]

BTDT - extreme stress - and we just have the one dd!!

I just scheduled a commando touring plan - and I scheduled dad for the race experience (mom paid for it!) Due to rain, he was there 4 days, said it was the best time he has EVER had at Disney - he was like a kid!! It was so much fun to have dad having so much fun!

Mom eesh... its like you said, the "helpful" talk - and my mom has a tendency to "wander" - that drove my dh nuts!! I'm just glad I planned lunch where my dad and dh could have a beer while I tracked down my mom (who did have a cell phone, just didnt always answer!!)

Mom also didnt like my dh talking to "women" and tried to make me see something that wasnt there - ugg!! Dh is just a friendly guy who talks to people in line - and one time when we lost mom - a mom and dd saw us and said "did you lose your mom again? -and they pointed where she had wandered" (we were supposed to be in Germany, mom was in France in the perfume shop!!) DH and I now joke whenever he talks to "strange women" (like in the grocery store!! He's just polite helping people who need help!!)

I know I'll never do it again, and yet, it was the best thing I could've done for mom and my relationship!! We celebrated her bday got her a bday button, ordered a bday cake, ate in the castle - she just loved the time...

They got tired early and often were grateful they could go back to their room after the TS meals - which left us touring as a family... maybe you could schedule them some special tours (Keys to the Kingdom, Segway ???)

 

[nkess]

What I would give to have my mom here on earth to take a trip with us- quirks and all.

What my kids would give to have one more trip with "grammy."

Count your blessings- embrace each others' strengths- try and overlook their faults- we ALL have them.

 

[sohappy]

I think that if you are really serious about them going, talk to them before hand. We had a list of "disney rules" that we all had to abide by- no stressing, no whining, etc. They applied to everyone. Once it was all out on the table, things went better. They sound a lot like my parents. Good luck. I wouldn't have missed having them there with us. They had a BLAST!

 

[tlbwriter]

"Mom, we're on vacation, and we relax the rules on vacation."

"Mom, please lighten up. We're all having a good time, and we don't care if someone gets ketchup on their elbow."

"Mom, would you mind not disciplining the kids when we're here? It causes confusion."

"Mom, shut up or I swear to God I will send you home in a trunk." Well, maybe not that one.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

"Mom, we're on vacation, and we relax the rules on vacation."

"Mom, please lighten up. We're all having a good time, and we don't care if someone gets ketchup on their elbow."

"Mom, would you mind not disciplining the kids when we're here? It causes confusion."

"Mom, shut up or I swear to God I will send you home in a trunk." Well, maybe not that one.

Oh no, the last one is my favorite!!!

 

[RobinFabulous]

What I would give to have my mom here on earth to take a trip with us- quirks and all.

What my kids would give to have one more trip with "grammy."

Count your blessings- embrace each others' strengths- try and overlook their faults- we ALL have them.

Bump that. I, too, lost my mother and would give ANYTHING to have her back, but at the same time these are MY children to discipline or not as I see fit. I agree to having time apart. I'd also have a nice talk with my mother beforehand and let her know that you DO expect your children to behave but you also expect her to realize that you are on vacation to have fun. Kids are kids. they fight, they whine, they sometimes spill things. They're kids. It's okay. I'm sure the people at Disney have seen far worse and far better than my children

 

[tyandbash]

Your mother sounds just like mine. If I said ANYTHING that was negative to her as simple as "Mom were on vacation we relax the rules on vacation", she would take that the wrong way and be hurt. I use to be a bundle of nerves around her and was not that way around my in-laws. Over time however, my DH, kids just learned to spend time with her anyway and now we just laugh about her comments later. (Well, my DH and I, not the kids) My children just understand she doesn't mean to be negative all the time and just roll with it now. My ds (11) does sometimes come and tell me what "Grammy just said" and laughs about it. But, really she does seem to find something wrong with everything even when she feels she is being a "go with the flow" grandma. But, we still love her and would rather her be with us, than not.

 

[Liltx]

I would leave it alone and try to adjust your own feelings. You are doing the same thing that your mother is, being overly sensitive to other's behavior. I am sure it won't ruin your children's trip, kids are good at tuning out so I would just let it go.
How great is it that you all are going to be a disney together! Your parents sound like nice people who love their grandchildren, why else would they really be going with you? They could take a relaxing trip to the world anytime alone. If you need to mention something I would say something before the trip like "Mom I don't want you to feel like you have to discipline the children, just let us handle that part." If you know it is going to hurt her I would say nothing.

Monica

 

[1stluvispooh]

Your not going to like this, but why did you do such a dumb thing and invite them then?!? You sound just like me!! My parents are (maybe...) coming to Disney with us this December.... only problem is we haven't spoken since Feb! I don't get along with my mother, she does the same crap yours does, and I just can't take it. She always had such a wonderful way to make me feel bad about myself my whole life (I was suicidal thoughout most of HS), and I see her saying the same things to my kids... something I just cannot stand for - my father just egnored everyone. So why did I invite them.... beats me! I'm just a schmuck!! I say if you think its going to ruin your trip, ditch them, you don't need someone toxic on your vacation or in your life.
Sorry I'm so harsh, just how I feel.

Are you sure your not me??? Anyway before your 2nd anniversary DH and I vacationed with both sets of parents and deiced that we NEVER do that again. Lets just say when we were with DH's family I almost left on day 2. We like our vacations and yes I feel bad that we do sometimes vacation with my sister but she is a help with the kids and doesn't overstep her boundaries, she doesn't have kids of her own and pretty much goes with the flow or just decides to stay back at the rented house for the day.

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

We're going with my parents, this is our first disney vacation together but we have always vacationed with my parents- why? My grandparents died much too young and I want my kids to experience the full benefit of a loving grandparent relationship... they adore my mother & father, I adore them too but as adults that doesn't stop us clashing on occasion.

What I do consider myself as fortunate in though is my mother and I have a very open relationship- if she is annoying me or i am annoying her we will tell each other and talk rather than sit and brew on it, it's probably why we've made it through 10 years of vacations with me in the mother role- it was a big change for my mother to effectively step aside and let someone else be in the "mother seat" whilst she took a more relaxed role, my main conflict on vacation now is usually with my sister- my sister is a planner but she is childless and doesn't always understand the compromises often essential when travelling with kids, as much as she tries and wants to it can frustrate her as she has alot of ideals and expectations when it comes to vacations.

We (my parents and I) talk alot before vacation, we also talk with the kids to let them know there will be no playing parents off of grandparents or vice versa, they know granny and grandad are deferring to mom at all times- and my parents are great with that since I've had my 2nd onwards (with my first i was very young, it took them some adjusting to put faith in my ability to be mom) We plan time apart but most of all we discuss each others aims for the vacation- right now we're all happy to take the "stop and smell the roses" approach to disney, yes we have things we want to see but we're not going to worry about what we miss as long as we enjoy what we do see, we're also on the same page about ADRs, pool time etc and most of all we're all flexible should things need to change.

I know my kids are going to adore going with my parents- it might take some tongue biting from everyone at times and some frank discussions but when i think of the memories we'll hopefully take away it's not worth worrying about potential conflict- chances are we'll all be so made up just to be there any differences will seem unimportant.