Unruly almost-5 yr old. Any advice?

[Minnie824]

My DD has been acting up lately. I don't even know where to begin with the list. We have a million toys. Its gotten to the point that I've had to label things. Anytime her little sister goes to get something, she blocks her, grabs it away from her, yells thats mine. She will not share. Period. She pushes her away yells at her, screams at us. I give her time outs, take things away from her, etc. I'm not sure what else to do. Today, she really pushed me. So, I told her no dessert. So, she got to sit there while her sister had dessert. I know I need to follow thru w/things, and I usually do, although DH doesnt as much. She just does not want to listen and I am SO sick of repeating myself. Of course she always says 'i'll be good' when she gets in trouble, but 2 seconds later, starts something else. Shes so good at school, and when we go out, almost always behaves. I'm hoping this is just a short-lived phase. Any advice?

 

[DVCLiz]

It IS a phase, and you'll live through it!!! Just be pleasant but consistent, and ask your DH to do the same. You might also try something that worked for me (most of the time.) When older DD first was getting used to baby sister (they are five years apart) and we ran into some of this, I said, "You know, I'm the only person who taught you how to share, but both of us have to teach new baby, and she will probably watch you more than me because you have all the fun toys. Why don't you show her how to play nicely and when she gets bigger she will be easier and more fun to play with. If she just watches you she might think she doesn't have to share with you later on!" For some reason, this seemed to click with older sis, and most (I stress most but not all!) of the time it helped defuse the tension when baby was grabbing something treasured.

Good luck!!!

 

[swillis]

I am nooo expert, but one sentence struck me as a problem. "We have a million toys"
It's been my experience that the odd years (3, 5, 7 etc) are usually bad years. She is probably having to deal with a lot of rules at school. Many of which probably have to do with sharing, waiting your turn, raising your hand.

It's probably worthwhile to have your daughter pick out 5 or so toys that she really loves. These are 5 toys that are HERS. She doesn't have to share. The other "million" toys should be put away.

When she wants to play with something other than her 5 toys, she needs to ask permission, and she has to agree to share with her sister (if appropriate) Explain to your daughter that there are many toys that are more fun when played together with someone. (she will likely learn this soon enough)

Again, I'm no expert, but I found that having special things just for one specific child is not always a bad thing. My kids bedrooms are their own personal space. Their siblings are expected to knock, and be invited in. They don't have to share the things that are in their rooms. The basement rec room however is free space. They have to share it. The tv, computer and the air hockey table are down there. Even at 11, and 10 we still have arguments over sharing that space.

I know it's frustrating, but this stage will pass. I always thought of 5 year old behavior as "Know It All" in training. When she hits 7, then watch out. She is a big first grader and KNOWS EVERYTHING!

 

[Schmeck]

Can you ask her (during a quiet moment, not in the middle of a fit) why she acts this way? Why she feels that she has to grab from her sister, not share, why she gets angry, etc? You might not get an answer, or the correct answer, but it will get your child thinking about her behavior. It helps to start this young, as 14 yr olds aren't easy to retrain

Actually, my 14 yr old is good at thinking about her actions/reactions, but the 12 yr old, now she needs retraining, LOL!

 

[Mom to Jordan]

The "million" toys also stuck out in my mind too. Maybe less toys would be less overwelming. I was thinking adjusting to new sister too but if "sis" is getting desert she is not that new. The fighting between the siblings and not wanting to share all sounds pretty normal. I would be a little concerned that she pushed you. Sounds like it is time to get some consistent and firm rules established that puts you back in control. The fact that she is good other places makes it sound like a control issues with you. Bet she will not be too hard to regain control of. Good luck.

 

[ilovemickeymost]

Be glad she's 5 & not 15. If you're not consistent now, then you'll be having worse problems as a teen. You say she's good at school, but maybe she's having friend issues (being picked on or left out) & is acting out & picking on her sis b/c she's littler. Bullies tend to be bullied somewhere else. I'd observe her at school for a day & see what's going on & if she's included by other kids.

 

[famofsix]

I feel for you! Most kids like stickers..maybe you could make a sticker chart and reward her and compliment her for when she does share and exhibit good behaviors. Then we she earns a certian number of stickers (determined by you and DH), do something special with just her (not expensive)...maybe a trip to the library, nature walk, treat at a donut shop, do a craft together etc.
We've made our sticker charts themes in the past. Example, in the summer make a large flower out of contruction paper and fill the petals with stickers.

 

[kidsicet]

I also believe it is a stage. I certainly hope so in my own family, as DD5 has quite intense fits from time to time. I've tried to figure out what triggers it, and can come up with a couple ideas in our situation. She seems to act out more when she is tired, and when she is jealous. She is the youngest, so the pecking order is a little different, but I have noticed when I am helping DD9 with homework, or a school project, or something, she tends to act out. Also, very noticable when she is tired.

I try to be very strict and consistent with bedtime routines. I also work hard on "catching her when she is good". We use a sticker chart as a reward system, which really seems to appeal to her. She gets a sticker if she made it through the day without having a tantrum, no fighting with sister, etc.

It is no fun to go through. My #1 wish is for my children to be lifelong friends, and I do not like to see them fight. Maybe even finding something special that only DD5 can do - like participation in a sport, or an art class or something that she can excel in, and be her best cheerleader.

Good luck! I believe this stage will pass.

 

[Stephres]

When I was having similiar problems with my three year old (it is the odd years, isn't it?), I found the book, 1-2-3 Magic and it really helped. It advocated not getting into big discussions during the conflict. You count to three and if the child is still acting up you put them in their room. It has worked very well with my three year old tantrum thrower and the six year old who liked to discuss everything to death.

HERE is the link if you want to see what it looks like. Hope things get better!

 

[Minnie824]

Thanks for all the advice. I had bought the 1-2-3 Magic book when DD was younger, read a little, but I think I need to revisit it. We also tried today having her pick 5 things she didn't want her sister to play with. So far she picked 3, and is saving the other 2 for later. She has school 1/2 the day which helped. Also, we noticed she has hives again, which is her sign of getting sick. Her sister was sick last week w/a virus. So, now I'm thinking part of her extra tantrum last night was that she really wasn't feeling well, and didn't want to or know how to express it. Thanks again for all the advice! It was all very helpful.