Ugh the terrible 20s

[Southernmiss]

I’m not sure how much parenting twenty-somethings need. At this point they should be raised and out on their own. I have two daughters 23, 25. They both attended college and one has moved out and is currently teaching out of state. The other is in her first year of teaching and is living at home until this summer when the expectation is she will move out. (We saved diligently and paid for college for both girls so they wouldn’t have student debt. We have told them since they were young that after college they could stay at home (if they wanted) for one year and save money, but then they were expected to move out.
If you have clear and direct conversations with your children early on they will know what they need to do. After the age of 18 children do not need us to “parent” them. They are adults and need to act as such. They will never grow up if we don’t let them.

Well then.

 

[runwad]

I’m not sure how much parenting twenty-somethings need. At this point they should be raised and out on their own. I have two daughters 23, 25. They both attended college and one has moved out and is currently teaching out of state. The other is in her first year of teaching and is living at home until this summer when the expectation is she will move out. (We saved diligently and paid for college for both girls so they wouldn’t have student debt. We have told them since they were young that after college they could stay at home (if they wanted) for one year and save money, but then they were expected to move out.
If you have clear and direct conversations with your children early on they will know what they need to do. After the age of 18 children do not need us to “parent” them. They are adults and need to act as such. They will never grow up if we don’t let them.

Yep you're right! I have a DD23 who is graduating in May with an Engineering Degree (5 yr co-op program), fingers crossed she gets a job and can move out in a year. We told her to stay and get a bigger nest egg established before she ventures out on her own. Read those threads about people living paycheck to paycheck...I want my kids to start out with some savings so they can minimize life's little disasters.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

After the age of 18 children do not need us to “parent” them. They are adults and need to act as such. They will never grow up if we don’t let them.

I guess it depends on what you define “parenting” as, at least when it comes to 20-somethings. I turn to my mom for parental guidance all the time, and have constantly throughout my 20s. I don’t live with her, I don’t need her to take care of me, but I don’t think I could get her to stop “parenting” me if I tried!

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I’m not sure how much parenting twenty-somethings need. At this point they should be raised and out on their own. I have two daughters 23, 25. They both attended college and one has moved out and is currently teaching out of state. The other is in her first year of teaching and is living at home until this summer when the expectation is she will move out. (We saved diligently and paid for college for both girls so they wouldn’t have student debt. We have told them since they were young that after college they could stay at home (if they wanted) for one year and save money, but then they were expected to move out.
If you have clear and direct conversations with your children early on they will know what they need to do. After the age of 18 children do not need us to “parent” them. They are adults and need to act as such. They will never grow up if we don’t let them.

Well my parents would disagree with kicking out the kids considering that my sister and I still live home.
At this point though we are in the beginning stages of parenting the parents so to speak lol.
They have never minded that we continue to live home probably because its also how they grew up and their parents also did not mind them remaining in the house.
Also even though we all live together that doesn't mean that they are telling us what to do or not to do.
My friend who is also my age lives at home. No issues with her parents either.
Each family is different so while I respect your personal decisions please don't insinuate that's how every family should work.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

 

[barkley]

both of mine are in their 20's and while it's challenging at times i much prefer it to when my late mom got to the stage in life where i had to 'parent my parent'. with my 20 somethings i see them taking on more personal responsibilities and learning from/becoming more capable with each positive and negative experience. when the time arrives that one has to parent their own parent, well...it's not seeing someone blossom, more like slowly seeing petals fall....

 

[Colleen27]

I feel you. Between my own almost-21yo and the 20 and 18yos that also live with us, I'm exhausted from the adult-parenting some days! The 20yo is still struggling to find a direction that is compatible with his physical limitations (disability), and DS21 waffles between wanting to move out ASAP and being completely content to live at home while spending all his money on his vehicle (he just bought a "project" Porsche @@).

 

[low-key]

lol

 

[luvsJack]

I’m not sure how much parenting twenty-somethings need. At this point they should be raised and out on their own. I have two daughters 23, 25. They both attended college and one has moved out and is currently teaching out of state. The other is in her first year of teaching and is living at home until this summer when the expectation is she will move out. (We saved diligently and paid for college for both girls so they wouldn’t have student debt. We have told them since they were young that after college they could stay at home (if they wanted) for one year and save money, but then they were expected to move out.
If you have clear and direct conversations with your children early on they will know what they need to do. After the age of 18 children do not need us to “parent” them. They are adults and need to act as such. They will never grow up if we don’t let them.

Oh please.

My 20 year old is married, has a full time job she is furloughed from and is working two jobs to make up the pay. She cleans, cooks, buys groceries, and takes care of their dogs and has a good relationship with her husband. And she STILL needs parenting sometimes. Not a lot but some.

She calls and asks for advice. She gets frustrated when I don’t give the advise she wants to hear. Sometimes I have to say “well ok, go take a shower and call me back” because I know she is stressed. And it works! But many times she just needs to hear Mom or Dad be a parent and tell her the hard stuff.

18-24 is still traditional college age. And some still need a lot of parenting. Most stupid decisions are made at that age.

 

[Colleen27]

I’m not sure how much parenting twenty-somethings need. At this point they should be raised and out on their own. I have two daughters 23, 25. They both attended college and one has moved out and is currently teaching out of state. The other is in her first year of teaching and is living at home until this summer when the expectation is she will move out. (We saved diligently and paid for college for both girls so they wouldn’t have student debt. We have told them since they were young that after college they could stay at home (if they wanted) for one year and save money, but then they were expected to move out.
If you have clear and direct conversations with your children early on they will know what they need to do. After the age of 18 children do not need us to “parent” them. They are adults and need to act as such. They will never grow up if we don’t let them.

Parenting isn't just cooking meals and paying bills. My 21yo is the oldest and he's at a point where he's looking for advice about big adult decisions like whether/how to move out, which would mean juggling rent and work along with school, and whether to take job opportunities that would make more money now but complicate finishing school. But at the same time, he and our other two young adults are young enough that living at home does hit some parenting-teens type snags every now and then - too many friends over too late at night, the stereo or gaming system running too loud, not cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen, etc. By the time they're 23 or 25, I expect all of mine will be out of the house... in fact, we started 2019 as a household of 7 and are likely to be down to just 3 by year's end. But right now, I'm still parenting three young adults and it occasionally makes me crazy.

 

[Southernmiss]

I've often said the very early years were tough with lack of sleep and figuring out how to be a parent. The years from 5 to 15 were fairly easy. And then 16 to 24 are a different kind of stress.

I am learning that parenting 20 year olds is different based on college plans and number of years needed to attain skills in their chosen field to be successful and gainfully employed in the workplace.

There are different challenges for each kid.

Can't lump all kids and situations into one perfect mold.

 

[cvjw]

Wow. My 22 year old has a bachelors and masters degree, has passed his cpa exam, has a full time job with a large accounting firm and his own apartment in the city. We only pay his car insurance. He could pay it, but we have decided to not make him “adult” all at once.

He has made his own path and doesn’t rely on us for day to day decisions. Really, once he left for college, he made his own decisions. We have always let him know that we are here if he needs us, but encourage him to be self-reliant.

 

[disneychrista]

Wow. My 22 year old has a bachelors and masters degree, has passed his cpa exam, has a full time job with a large accounting firm and his own apartment in the city. We only pay his car insurance. He could pay it, but we have decided to not make him “adult” all at once.

Good for him...but he really should have been paying for his own car insurance a long time ago...

 

[robinb]

Oh crap. My DD is 19 and I was hoping that the 20's would be better.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wow. My 22 year old has a bachelors and masters degree, has passed his cpa exam, has a full time job with a large accounting firm and his own apartment in the city. We only pay his car insurance. He could pay it, but we have decided to not make him “adult” all at once.

He has made his own path and doesn’t rely on us for day to day decisions. Really, once he left for college, he made his own decisions. We have always let him know that we are here if he needs us, but encourage him to be self-reliant.

That’s great. Dd22 has her masters in accounting, passed the first CPA (had a very hard time getting the first one scheduled), has accepted a great job offer but decided to start after she finishes all exams. She has about $80,000 in student loans, totaled 2 cars in a year, became my dad’s caregiver (Alzheimer’s) from May to December (moving out of her apartment and 6 roommates to her childhood town). She was the one who found him face down in the dining room after his heart attack. He passed away.

She now has anxiety being in a house alone. She sort of moved back here, but will stay at my dad’s if ds20 (home on break) or a friend stays with her at night, but will study here or at Starbucks during the day. She grew up in a family of 7, living in the dorms at a huge college for 2 years, lived with 3 roommates the next year, 6 the following year. She drives 45 minutes away almost every night to see her friends who live by her college. She can’t afford to move back there until she starts working (even with s lot of roommates rent is over $500, plus her loans).

She is definitely stressed out.

 

[aprilchem]

As a college professor I really wish there was less parenting happening for kids in the 18-22 range. I've been a professor for a long time now (almost 20 years) and when I started, I felt students were relatively independent - they could register for classes on their own, solve their own problems, address issues, etc.

About 5-7 years ago my fellow faculty and I started noticing a change - first it started with the calls from parents, then the requests from parents to sit in on advising sessions, then requests from parents to meet with us. Students come to me with lists of classes written by their moms or dads, or drop classes (that they really need for their major) because a parent told them to do so. Instead of working to solve their own problems, kids will call their mom or dad for advice or help. Students make all kinds of career decisions that aren't what they truly want to do because a parent wants them to, then burn out halfway through their degree. Anxiety is so, so high with these students.

Personally, I left home at 18 to attend college, came home the first summer after that and worked full-time to make money, and was essentially an "adult" after that. With my own children, I'm really working to let them exert independence as early as middle school - my sons try, and fail, and try again. I'm teaching them as many life skills as I can now, so that I can back off when they go to college.

 

[mom2rtk]

That’s great. Dd22 has her masters in accounting, passed the first CPA (had a very hard time getting the first one scheduled), has accepted a great job offer but decided to start after she finishes all exams. She has about $80,000 in student loans, totaled 2 cars in a year, became my dad’s caregiver (Alzheimer’s) from May to December (moving out of her apartment and 6 roommates to her childhood town). She was the one who found him face down in the dining room after his heart attack. He passed away.

She now has anxiety being in a house alone. She sort of moved back here, but will stay at my dad’s if ds20 (home on break) or a friend stays with her at night, but will study here or at Starbucks during the day. She grew up in a family of 7, living in the dorms at a huge college for 2 years, lived with 3 roommates the next year, 6 the following year. She drives 45 minutes away almost every night to see her friends who live by her college. She can’t afford to move back there until she starts working (even with s lot of roommates rent is over $500, plus her loans).

She is definitely stressed out.

I'm so sorry for what your daughter is dealing with. Life does have a way of messing with some of the best laid plans.

 

[mom2rtk]

As a college professor I really wish there was less parenting happening for kids in the 18-22 range. I've been a professor for a long time now (almost 20 years) and when I started, I felt students were relatively independent - they could register for classes on their own, solve their own problems, address issues, etc.

About 5-7 years ago my fellow faculty and I started noticing a change - first it started with the calls from parents, then the requests from parents to sit in on advising sessions, then requests from parents to meet with us. Students come to me with lists of classes written by their moms or dads, or drop classes (that they really need for their major) because a parent told them to do so. Instead of working to solve their own problems, kids will call their mom or dad for advice or help. Students make all kinds of career decisions that aren't what they truly want to do because a parent wants them to, then burn out halfway through their degree. Anxiety is so, so high with these students.

Personally, I left home at 18 to attend college, came home the first summer after that and worked full-time to make money, and was essentially an "adult" after that. With my own children, I'm really working to let them exert independence as early as middle school - my sons try, and fail, and try again. I'm teaching them as many life skills as I can now, so that I can back off when they go to college.

I have no doubt a lot of that goes on.

But sometimes people complaining about how hard parenting is at this age are the very ones letting go and letting the kids make mistakes.

 

[Kitty 34]

Just want to give you parents of the 20 some year olds hope........the 30's are sooooooo much better even though I feel my age more!!

 

[luvsJack]

As a college professor I really wish there was less parenting happening for kids in the 18-22 range. I've been a professor for a long time now (almost 20 years) and when I started, I felt students were relatively independent - they could register for classes on their own, solve their own problems, address issues, etc.

About 5-7 years ago my fellow faculty and I started noticing a change - first it started with the calls from parents, then the requests from parents to sit in on advising sessions, then requests from parents to meet with us. Students come to me with lists of classes written by their moms or dads, or drop classes (that they really need for their major) because a parent told them to do so. Instead of working to solve their own problems, kids will call their mom or dad for advice or help. Students make all kinds of career decisions that aren't what they truly want to do because a parent wants them to, then burn out halfway through their degree. Anxiety is so, so high with these students.

Personally, I left home at 18 to attend college, came home the first summer after that and worked full-time to make money, and was essentially an "adult" after that. With my own children, I'm really working to let them exert independence as early as middle school - my sons try, and fail, and try again. I'm teaching them as many life skills as I can now, so that I can back off when they go to college.

I work at a college and see a lot of what you see too. But those parents aren’t parenting. They are hovering. Big difference.

Parenting at these ages is letting them make their own decisions and mistakes but being there it advise or help when needed. The hard part is standing back and letting them beat their own head.