Ugghh

[chell]

Don't let those conflicting feelings get to you. Be strong and cut him out of your life. Don't get hung up on the man you thought he was. The man you thought he was isn't real and was only an illusion. Please do not forget that. If you let him back into your life the same behaviors will continue and he will only hide them better. He will not change no matter what he says.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! There ARE better men out there!!!

 

[kilee]

You will get better, it just takes time. What you're feeling right now is normal. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid the hurt over something like this. I know it's hard to see the silver lining now, but be glad you found out before you were married.

I'd check out the support site referenced early on in this thread. It really will be a great help to you.

 

[mickyzzzzz05]

 

[Macca1111]

How can you get over something like this?

Time, mostly. Though my situation was not entirely like yours, my fiance was an entirely different person than the persona that he built, and like you I was missing the person that I thought he was - I wasn't missing the real him. I still don't know who he really was, I just know that some and potentially all of what he told me was a lie. Mostly I was just upset at myself for not seeing it. I'm smart - how could I have fallen for this? It sucks and it hurts, but it will get better.

Also, don't know if you're the affirmation type, but I was seeing a biofeedback therapist at the time who was just awesome and she gave me this affirmation. At first you don't believe it, and it may even be hard to think parts of it, but just keep writing it - I believe it really helped me.

"I forgive all those whose ignorant behavior has hurt me. I forgive myself. I release others to find their own path. I release this experience with love and compassion. I will move forward to a better future."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you everyone for such kind words, I do know I am lucky I didnt marry him and then find out....I am lost and not sure where to turn to....this man has been my whole world for the last 2 years...he is the first thing I think of the second I opened my eyes and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep to dream about him...and now I find out it was all fake....he is not he man he made me think he was...this so unbelievable to me...I hurt more then I ever thought a person could...I have lived my life trying to do the right thing...putting everyone before me....go to church every Sunday....and this what I get? We are in the process of buying a house...well with my money as he claims he lost all his in his divorce...there isnt anything I wouldnt of done for this man but put up with cheating...that is the deal breaker...and I have told him many of times of my feelings on this subject..he swore he would never cheat on me as I was the love of his life...ugghhhhh I want to strangle him....my head is telling one thing but my heart is hurting so bad for the man I thought he was....omg....I am going crazy here..and I am embarassed to tell my family about him...his mother has been calling but I have not answered yet...she lives in Florida and she made me promise her once I would not give up on her son...and I told her I would never cuz I loved him ..I never thought something like this could happen....my god they even sent him naked pictures of themselves..what skanks...and he choose them over me...I feel like throwing up.

Oh honey, this man is a con artist. He set out to fool you. Somebody is looking out for you somewhere.

I hope your house buying dilemma is not set in stone yet.

Stay strong and do what you need to do.

 

[bumbershoot]

"We are in the process of buying a house...well with my money as he claims he lost all his in his divorce"

Whew! Stop those proceedings now!

I like Paul Newman's response when asked why he didn't cheat. "Why would I want hamburger when I have steak at home".

Yeah...might want to check out when he met J Woodward, and when he divorced his FIRST wife... They had a great love story, but it didn't start out pure as the driven snow...

 

[Mysteria]

Oh honey, this man is a con artist. He set out to fool you. Somebody is looking out for you somewhere.

I hope your house buying dilemma is not set in stone yet.

Stay strong and do what you need to do.

Exactly!!

I'm so sorry this happened but thank goodness you found out now. Please, please don't blame yourself. Con artists like this are very good at what they do.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

 

[Disney Doll]

I know....you've already heard it a million times...

You are better off without him.

You are missing what you thought he was...not what he actually is.

Get out of the house proceedings now, if possible, unless it's a place you really love and would want to be in no matter what. In that case, get him out of the house proceedings.

Understand that you will be sad for a while, but time will heal....

Think about the relationship...and I mean really think...and learn the lessons it is supposed to teach you.

May I respectfully say that this statement that you made:

"this man has been my whole world for the last 2 years...he is the first thing I think of the second I opened my eyes and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep to dream about him"

needs some careful consideration on your part. It's never good to make someone your whole world, as you are finding out. Because when soemone is your whole world, and then they are gone, you have a whole world, instead of part of a world, to rebuild. And yes, I learned that from experience.

So, here's what you do. You work on you. You work on finding interests, hobbies, friends....things that you like, that you are attracted to, that you have always wanted to do, and you DO THEM! You build your life, and then when the man who is supposed to be in it arrives, you will have a life to share with him.

I really remember how hard this was.

 

[laughinplace199]

Is this your first marriage? I'm sorry I'm a bit confused because I thought I recalled a post of yours a while back about being married to a fireman. Maybe I have you confused with someone else? In any case, I think the saying that time heals all wounds is pretty accurate. In time, you will see what a loser this guy is.

 

[Nanabug02]

So, here's what you do. You work on you. You work on finding interests, hobbies, friends....things that you like, that you are attracted to, that you have always wanted to do, and you DO THEM! You build your life, and then when the man who is supposed to be in it arrives, you will have a life to share with him.

Amen to this statement....I think a lot of women have to learn this lesson the hard way, and sometimes have to learn it more than once.

Also, people who chronically cheat and have s*x addictions are not in it for the physical aspect. They are trying to use the thrill of it to fix something in themselves, fill a void, or use it to "distract" themselves from something they don't want to deal with. I know this seems pretty obvious, but really THINK about it. This is why him cheating on you has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with his own self esteem issues. Since part of the "thrill" is the secrecy part, you wouldn't have known. And, there is also NOTHING you can do to fix him.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. Take it one day at a time and concentrate on making yourself happy. You deserve joy.

 

[brittsmum1998]

Is this your first marriage? I'm sorry I'm a bit confused because I thought I recalled a post of yours a while back about being married to a fireman. Maybe I have you confused with someone else? In any case, I think the saying that time heals all wounds is pretty accurate. In time, you will see what a loser this guy is.

I'm curious too. You aren't confusing posters. This is the same poster as on the firemen post. I looked at her posts also (NO I'm not a stalker) because it sounded so familiar to a recent post by someone else, I thought I was confused. Imagine my confusion when she referred to her "husband" . Maybe she refers to her fiancee as her husband? Now I'm more confused.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yep, we all have been had.

Hi Everyone...

This is my first cruise ever...I am going with my DH and 18 yr. son. We are meeting about 30 other people my DH use to work with. It will also be our 4th Ann. while on the cruise. We are all coming from Buffalo NY. I think we have the early seating for dinner and we have no other plans at all. Just to have the best time. I am sooo excited and nervous at the same time...I just hope I dont get sea scik....See you's all in September!!!

 

[Vallie]

I am so sorry you are going threw this. its a horrible thing to go through but although it may not seem like it now you will get through this as a stronger better person.

I caught my ex boyfriend on 3 dating sites messaging other women and posting shirtless pics and this huge long profile about what he wanted in a woman and so on. I was so angry and I ended it right there and didnt look back since. I just did not understand how someone could do that, and he begged and begged for me to take him back, and he did the anger thing saying i was snooping (I wasnt... it was a fluke that led me to the first site and then I went looking)

Im now with the most wonderful man ever and I'm SO happy with my choice to dump that ... well i cant say it here.

ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! it's the truth. and this guy seems to have this in his past. I know its hard but you must stay strong and remember you deserve better and you will recieve so much better then this loser!. Karma happens and he will get his. and you will be much much happier without him in the long run and find someone who will treat you with love and respect.

 

[beattyfamily]

Yep, we all have been had.

Why have we been had? So she posted about having a husband 7 years ago and going on a cruise with him. Maybe they divorced and now she's been with this jerk fiance for 2 years. Why is that not possible?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why have we been had? So she posted about having a husband 7 years ago and going on a cruise with him. Maybe they divorced and now she's been with this jerk fiance for 2 years. Why is that not possible?

Could be.

People are posting about her calling herself the wife of a fireman. It is a bit confusing.

 

[daisyduck123]

There are posts from Feb. where she was calling herself "the wife of a fireman". So 7 months ago she was married and now she has a fiance she's been dating for 2 years?

 

[beattyfamily]

There are posts from Feb. where she was calling herself "the wife of a fireman". So 7 months ago she was married and now she has a fiance she's been dating for 2 years?

Ah, I see the confusion. Hopefully, the OP will come back and clarify.

 

[Vallie]

weird. wonder what the point of posting this would be if it is made up?

 

[horseshowmom]

Thank you everyone for such kind words, I do know I am lucky I didnt marry him and then find out....I am lost and not sure where to turn to....

....he is not he man he made me think he was...this so unbelievable to me...I hurt more then I ever thought a person could...I have lived my life trying to do the right thing...putting everyone before me....go to church every Sunday....and this what I get?

I am going crazy here..and I am embarassed to tell my family about him...

As you say, sadly, the person you loved doesn't exist. Just keep reminding yourself of that. I have a dear friend (also very involved in church) who found that out after 28 years of marriage. She had no idea what he was doing (although his employees and many others did - lots of times she thought he was at work while he had them cover for him). She had to be out of town fairly frequently, and he had an entirely different life going on. She spent a long time in therapy and questioned her own judgement. She had to come to see that he was the one with the problem. It wasn't her fault that he was deceitful, and it's not yours either. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

his mother has been calling but I have not answered yet...she lives in Florida and she made me promise her once I would not give up on her son...and I told her I would never cuz I loved him ..I never thought something like this could happen....

Let me tell you, I don't think this is a coincidence. This isn't a statement that mother's normally make about their sons unless they already know there's an issue of some sort.

my god they even sent him naked pictures of themselves..what skanks...and he choose them over me...I feel like throwing up.

Honey, remember this has nothing to do with you. He didn't choose anybody over you. He chose risky sexual activity which is indicative of a likely sexual addiction. This isn't about you, it's about him.