Two Weddings

[goodmorningirl]

Hi everyone!

I haven't been on the boards for a while but I have a very important question. I hope this isn't too long winded but here it goes.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and are Sophomores in college. We want to get married but he doesn't want to do the big wedding until after he graduates from Law School. I think it wouldn't be weird to have an Escape wedding sometime soon, maybe after we graduate college, and then have a Wishes after Law School. I don't think it's weird to "get married twice", but my boyfriend does.

What do you all think? Is it weird? If not, can you help by telling me how I can convince him it isn't weird?

Thanks everyone!

 

[lpizzuro123]

You can do an Escape now and then a Vowel Renewal when he graduates. How many years before he is out of law school? If it was 5 years - a 5 year vowel renewal would be perfect.

Linda

 

[lurkyloo]

Where's Tiggerificheidi with her story? She did an Escape wedding followed by a Wishes vow renewal and they were both fantastic!

I think it's a great idea! The only thing that might happen is sometimes guests don't want to come to a vow renewal because it's "just" a vow renewal and not the actual wedding, but they are silly! Maybe Heidi can speak to that as well...

 

[LittleStinkerbelle]

I think it's a great idea.

 

[figmentfan814]

Where's Tiggerificheidi with her story? She did an Escape wedding followed by a Wishes vow renewal and they were both fantastic!

I think it's a great idea! The only thing that might happen is sometimes guests don't want to come to a vow renewal because it's "just" a vow renewal and not the actual wedding, but they are silly! Maybe Heidi can speak to that as well...

Here are her two trip reports As Carrie mentioned, I'm sure she would be a great help!
Escape
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1869769

Wishes
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1929739

 

[tiggerrifficheidi]

I'm the one who had them both!

As far as it being a good idea vs. weird...DEFINITELY a good idea. We loved having one for us and one for everyone else. Plus, it was more time at WDW and more pictures!

But, we considered ourselves married after the Escape and didn't keep it a secret. Everyone knew we were married, but that the first one was for us and the "legal" aspect. No one balked at coming because it wasn't a real wedding (and we didn't call it a vow renewal). The two ceremonies were about 7 months apart. I've also heard of people who've done the "legal" think and then only 1 or 2 years later had the ceremony. They called it a Vow Renewal, but it was the initial big "party" so everyone came anyway.

I don't know why your BF doesn't want to get married for another 6 years (right?), but if he doesn't want to consider himself "married" till after law school, then my plan wouldn't work, IMHO.

As far as convincing him...I would ask him why he wants to wait till after law school? Is it financial? Or is it just some random thing?

It sounds like you don't want to wait another 6 (?) years, and I think that's reasonable. I certainly wouldn't! It sounds like you might have to get to the bottom of his reasoning. And if it's "just 'cuz" you might have to tell him that while you appreciate his opinion, you're going to have to find a compromise, because that doesn't work for you.

Your idea of two weddings is a good compromise, but he might not realize that waiting 6 years to be his wife is just no good for you. He might not understand why you're wanting a compromise or "intermediate" step anyway.

Speculating a lot here...but I hope that somewhat answered your question.

 

[goodmorningirl]

Thank you all for such quick and helpful responses!

tiggerrifficheidi--I have read both of your reports and love what you both did. Thank you for really taking time to respond to me. He wants to wait because he wants to have the money necessary for the wedding we would want. He doesn't want to sacrifice things just because we can't wait longer. He says that getting married twice is "weird" and doesn't think people would go for it. He says if we get married through Escape he wouldn't want anyone to know if we do another down the road. I still don't completely understand his reasoning so I agree that we need to get to the bottom of it.

Also another question, would you still do a shower, bachelor party? and all that wedding stuff for the second wedding? I don't want to sound greedy but I wouldn't want to miss out on those things.

Thank you for all your responses, I'm hoping to hear more!

 

[RachaelA]

Having a shower, b=party, etc 5 years after you get married is pointless. You are already married and those things aren't done for a VR.

Why don't you just wait to get married when he's done with school? I don't see why you are in rush to get married at 19.

 

[tiggerrifficheidi]

That's a tough one, then. If it's so you can have your dream wedding, I understand waiting. But on the other hand, having an Escape and then not telling anyone would be almost impossible (again...IMHO). You'll be so happy and excited that it would be hard to keep that a secret for possibly years. Maybe not, but for me it would've been.

It is a dilemma, because I can see his point about not "settling" with the wedding, and I can understand how 6 years seems like forever.

Since you're sophomores, you can probably keep the discussion light and then table it for a year or two, since you wouldn't have to do any lengthy planning if you did decide to have an Escape after graduation.

As far as showers and such, I wasn't able to have any because of location, but I would say that nowadays with people living together for YEARS before their wedding, it would be no different than that. It may be pointless to have a shower by the old meaning of a shower, but by the same reasoning, it's also pointless to have a shower when you've lived on your own for a decade or with your DF for years. But, it's a great opportunity to get together and celebrate.

 

[goodmorningirl]

RachaelA--Well I am 20 and he will be 21 soon. Being together for five years, we both know we will get married, and I just want that next step. I understand your opinion, but I feel like it is the right thing for us.

tiggerrifficheidi--Thank you again for all of your advice! I would not be able to keep the Escape wedding a secret which is why I would rather not do it if doing it meant it being a secret. I think the shower and such would be more to get people together like you said. My brother and his wife actually eloped before their big wedding. They kept it from everyone but immediate family, but theirs was just a small, courthouse thing. If mine were in Disney I wouldn't be able to keep quiet! lol

Thanks again ladies! Any other comments are welcome

 

[CharacterFan]

2 weddings doesn't sound weird to me...DFi and I are thinking about it (insurance reasons) and we've been dating for 5 years, and been best friends for 11 years now. We're 22 and 24.

In my opinion, if you did two weddings and keep the first a secret for the most part, just go to your local courthouse. Or invite your family and do an Escape wedding, and do a vow renewal in 5 or 6 years. I'd do the shower and B-Party before the first wedding and not the 2nd. I think it's odd to have a b-party when you're already married.
I'd sit down with you BF and discuss the pros and cons of getting married now rather then waiting, and if the 2 of you don't live together now, maybe that's a step you can take instead of getting married, if you feel that after just 5 years you feel you're in a holding pattern. again just my opinion only you and your BF can really make those choices.

 

[Disneychix]

If you had the escape wedding now(ish) and are married I think it would be hard to plan on having a VR in 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years and you may want the money you'd spend on a VR to go towards a house/school loans/having children etc.
I'm not saying you shouldn't get married now if that's what you both want, I'm just suggesting it may be diffucult to justify another BIG wedding/VR in 5 years when you'll already be married and that $$ could be spent on something else.

I also think it's not appropriate to have a 2 showers that are only 5 years apart. If the first one is just for immediate family than maybe. But it kinda sounds like asking for gifts.

 

[RachaelA]

RachaelA--Well I am 20 and he will be 21 soon. Being together for five years, we both know we will get married, and I just want that next step. I understand your opinion, but I feel like it is the right thing for us.

If you know its going to happen, why rush? Your boyfriend obviously doesn't want to rush and it seems like you are trying to push him into something he doesn't want right now. he's not saying he doesn't want to marry you he's saying he wants to wait. And he doesn't want two weddings.

Part of being an adult is realizing that you can't always get what you want right away. Why not wait until he's ready and when you are both financially ready to have the wedding that you want?

I'm seeing a lot of I statements. Its what YOU want and what YOU feel is right. YOU want that next step.

Why would you want a marriage to start out on the wrong foot? Do you really want him to resent you pushing him into this for the rest of his life?

 

[dizzydina]

I totally get where you're coming from. We've been together for 6 years, we're 20, juniors in college, and I want to get married when we graduate. We're moving from Orlando to New York in 2011, and I really want to get married here before we leave.

I think that you should wait a year or so and see how he feels then. My BF was a little hesitant to get married at 22, but we've been talking about the possibility for a while and I think that we both want to be married before we start our live together after college.

If you did do the Escape after graduation, Wishes after Law School, you might miss out on things like showers and stuff. So, think about it and maybe in another year see how you both feel!

HTH!

 

[goodmorningirl]

Disneychix--I get what your saying and you're right about the money. Also if I were to do a shower it wouldn't be for the first one cuz that one would be small.

RachaelA--I respect your opinion but I don't need to be told about part of being an adult. I am trying to keep the background on us as short as possible, thus you don't understand our complete relationship. Yes I am using I statements because I am talking to you guys about what I want. The reason why he doesn't want it now is financial reasons, nothing else. He is not the one to be pushed into anything, as you say, nor am I the kind of person to do so. I'm not looking to be judged on my maturity or to be made to feel guilty, just for an opinion on two weddings.

If anyone has any other comments on having two weddings, I would love to hear them. Thank you all for your responses.

 

[beach bride 2010]

I don't really think it is strange at all to have 2 weddings but I do think it would be really strange to have 2 weddings that were 5-6 years apart. 5-6 years later to me is a vow renewal. I think there are a lot of brides that do destination weddings and have 2 weddings-1 at home first than a smaller, more intimate ceremony later at WDW or vice versa. The people I've heard of that have done that have had the 2 ceremonies within a year of each other and I don't find anything strange about that...the way I look at it they want to have the wedding they want but they also want to share it with more family and friends than would be able to attend a destination wedding and I think that the 2 weddings is a wonderful compromise.
As far as a shower, bachelorette party, etc regardless of what you decide I think you need to do all of that before the first wedding. I would find it odd (and kinda tacky) if I were invited to a shower for somebody that had already been married 5 years. Most people don't have a shower for a vow renewal. You assume the couple has already lived together a while and has what they need. You can have a small escape wedding now and still have a big bridal shower and bachelorette party at home beforehand if that is what you want.
I really think you need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Exactly how does he vision your future unfolding? Find out if finances is truly the only thing holding him back from getting married now. What type of wedding could you afford if you were to get married now vs later (law school is expensive!Will he gradute without debt?)? Are the 2 of you the ones paying for the entire wedding? If you can only have one wedding is it more important to you to have an actual wedding now or would you rather wait a few years and have the wedding of your dreams? Would you be okay with just getting engaged in the near future and then setting a date and having a long, extended engagement period to plan your dream wedding? Lots of couples who are still in school do that. If you held off instead of having an escape wedding now, that $5000 or so could buy you a lot of extras at a Wishes wedding that most brides have to regretfully cut. If he were to put a ring on your finger would you still feel the need to have a wedding ceremony right away?
I can totally relate to being impatient and wanting to take things to the next level. By the time DF and I get married we will have been dating for over 8 years and we are both a lot older than you. I watched many of my friends who dated for less time get engaged and married and of course it bothered me at times. I would have the marriage talk with DF though and he would reassure me that we definitely were going to get married someday. Eventually I came to the realization that what was most important is that I was sharing my life with him and when it comes down to that, the ring is just an affirmation. I am able to plan a much nicer wedding now than I would've been able to have 8 years ago and have gotten to expereince a lot of things I probably wouldn't have if we'd gotten married and started a family back when we first knew we were meant for each other.
Every couple's circumstances are different and what is right/works for someone else might not be right or work for you and your boyfriend. If he is not comfortable with having 2 weddings though I would not try to push him in that direction and would talk a lot more instead about whether you'd rather have an actual ceremony now that is less elaborate and then maybe have your dream vow renewal after he graduates or to just get engaged sometime in the near future, set a date, and enjoy a nice, extended engagement while you plan for the wedding of your dreams after he graduates.

 

[MegKate]

As far as the two wedding thing goes, I think there's been good points brought up on both sides of the arguement, so I won't just sit here and re-state them.

But as for shower, that would be exceedingly tacky IMHO. I think of showers as for brides who are setting up a home/apartment for the first time. If you've been married for five years, you've got all that stuff. Bachlorette Party - just re-name it Girls Night Out and have a night out. Not as big of a deal as the shower is. JMHO!

 

[CinderelliT]

I got married at 21 and my DH was 25 at the time. We knew we were ready to be married to each other. We had a very small initimate wedding, and due to the fact that we were both in school and our families pushing us into their idea of a wedding, it was most certainly not my dream wedding. At the same time we were thrilled to be married to each other. We are doing a VR 10 years later - so I think the idea of 2 weddings is fabulous. I think the conventional rules about weddings and marriage are not the standard any more.

If I could afford to do a wishes wedding in another 5 or 10 years, I'll do it! I always said I wanted to marry my DH again and again all over the world.

Maybe you could talk about it with him and agree on a compromise. Something small and romantic now, and big later.

 

[goodmorningirl]

beach bride 2010--Thank you Thank you Thank you! You took so much time and wrote such wonderful advice, I really, truly appreciate it. After reading you advice, I realized that I would much rather wait and have the dream wedding you are talking about a few more years down the road. I think you're also right that if I had the ring and an extended engagement it would definetly make me feel better. Thank you again!

MegKate--I agree on the two showers thing, I was mostly asking about that if the first one was more of a secret to most people. I also think two would be tacky and I could never do that.

CinderelliT--It's nice to hear that someone else is doing what I have been contemplating. I agree with you. I think the important thing to do now is have a nice conversation.

Again Thank you all for your help and time you have taken to answer my questions

 

[Ember]

I see no problems with having two weddings (or a wedding or a vow renewal) but I don't agree at all with keeping it a secret. It will come out sooner or later and then you have to contend with having lied to people. Not the best way to begin a marriage.

Tell people the truth. Anyone who cares about you won't treat your second wedding any different than the first. They'll still be happy for you and want to celebrate your love.

Edited to add: I see you're leaning towards waiting. That what I would do (and did). We were together 10 years before getting married.