"Tween" Daughters.

[FayeW]

My daughter will be 10 in 2 weeks. She is like a walking ball of hormones and attitude. Her best friend, same age, is exactly the same. (These girls live in different parts of the city, attend different schools, and are lucky to spend time together once a month, so I can't blame the similarities in behaviour on them spending too much time together). We speak to her daily (make that hourly this week) about her attitude. We punish, we take away priviledges, cancel outings, etc. Still, her mouth NEVER stops.

Anybody else with girls this age finding that this is really tough time to be the mother of a "tween" girl? I find myself daydreaming about being 50 ( 10.5 years from now) because with any luck, by then, the hard stuff will be behind us. ( I know it will only get worse before it gets better!) What has happened to my baby girl??

 

[gr8tpanther]

I have TWO of them!!!! One started her period in May, so it is fairly new to her, and now she is starting to get the cramping and such that goes with it. That doesn't make it ANY easier!!!

 

[shelbyjosh]

My DD will be 10 in December. She can be something else sometimes! Sometimes I just want to smack the daylights out of her mouth. She knows everything and will contradict everything you say. She loves to argue and question your motives. If I tell her NO to something, I get "Why", "How Come", etc. She is always second guessing me!! I, too, have tried taking privileges away, time outs, etc but nothing matters to her. She is difficult to work with and she wonders why I have such a ashort fuse with her. My DS6 is so easy going and when I ask him to do something all he says is "no problem, Mom" and does it on the first request. With DD I ask 3 times and on the 3rd request I am yelling. I don't know what to do either. If anyone has the secret, please share!!

 

[Lars624]

When my DD was that age I found this book to be helpfulThe Roller Coaster Years

 

[sweet angel]

It's not just the girls. My DS was like that too. He's 13 now and finally starting to simmer down. I think maybe the hormones have leveled out a little bit.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by shelbyjosh
My DD will be 10 in December. She can be something else sometimes! Sometimes I just want to smack the daylights out of her mouth. She knows everything and will contradict everything you say. She loves to argue and question your motives. If I tell her NO to something, I get "Why", "How Come", etc. She is always second guessing me!! I, too, have tried taking privileges away, time outs, etc but nothing matters to her. She is difficult to work with and she wonders why I have such a ashort fuse with her. My DS6 is so easy going and when I ask him to do something all he says is "no problem, Mom" and does it on the first request. With DD I ask 3 times and on the 3rd request I am yelling. I don't know what to do either. If anyone has the secret, please share!!

I know the feeling!!!

 

[FayeW]

shelbyjosh, were our daughters separated at birth?? That is exactly what I am talking about. I also have a younger son, (turned 8 yesterday!) and he is the sweetest, most loving boy. I will admit that the "Mommy's boy and Daddy's girl" stereotype is alive and well in our house. My husband is much more patient with her than I am, and is much smarter about handling her. Once, she asked him if she could have a pony. (We live in a city!) He told her "You can't be the first person in our neighborhood to have a pony, but I promise you that as soon as any other child in our neighborhood gets a pony to keep in their backyard, you can be the second one to get a pony". She went away happy! Even he is losing his patience with her lately though.It doesn't help that I am sure she is smarter than the 2 of us put together, and she has a memory like an elephant.

 

[Reflection]

FayeW, my daughter is 11, and, oh my, how familiar this sounds. I have friends with daughters either 10 or 11, some of whom she goes to school with and some she knows from other activities (scouting or dance class) and they report the same thing. We commiserate together.

Like you, I take away priveleges. I also continually tell my daughter there are appropriate ways to express her feelings and opinions. Unfortunately for her, sarcasm, sassiness, and rudeness are not acceptable modes of expression for me, and I refuse to speak to her until her attitude is in check. I find humor works wonders, and have turned a few tense moments into a laughing experience. For example, I will sometimes hold up a small mirror and ask 'who is this person or banshee and what did it do with my daughter? ' Also, i frequently say to my daughter and her friends, 'it must be wonderful to be 10 or 11 and think you know everything.'

What is interesting is that this person who minutes ago is telling I am the 'meanest person alive'and 'just leave me alone' is now, moments later, all hugs and kisses and reminds me of the the completely delightful child I knew before 'tweendom' reigned havoc. I believe you absolutely have to call them on the bad and unacceptable methods of expression. The other part of this is seeing the struggle between growing up and the responsibilities that come with it but still wanting to keep one foot back in the past childhood stage. What I hear most frequently from my daughter is--'I know what I have to do, you don't have to tell me.' We have a chore list on the refrigerator and the household rule is no televison until homework is done. However, she has not finished her homework, but is headed towards the television. I say, let' see the homework,' and her response... 'I know... you don't have tell me.' And so it goes.

For me, 50 is just four years away I pray I make it with my equilibruim and patience intact.

 

[shelbyjosh]

Maybe they were separated!! She will tell me a tale right to my face. She takes after DH and won't apologize if the world depended on it. She (and him) will NOT admit fault. I am so tired of asking her to do things (pick up clothes, brush, hair/teeth, etc) and getting the standard "in a minute". Then I am harping on her 2 minutes later. She says if I quit harping she would do things. Baloney!! Harp or no harp she won't do it!!! I will have to look for that book at the library. Thanks for the link.

 

[Buckalew11]

So far I'm not encountering this. DD is 10 1/2. If & when it starts to happen, I doubt I'll deal too well with it. I dread it. Maybe if I dread it enough it won't happen. She is definitely changing and growing up but the mouth hasn't started. I'll go count my blessings now.

As for the younger siblings or little brothers-- they're angelic because 1) they haven't hit that age so they are looking extra good next to tween sister and 2) don't be fooled, the younger child watches the older one mouth off and get into trouble and decides to make himself look even better to mom and dad. They play their sister's bad behavior for all it is worth.

I know because I did it to my oldest sister. It is a wonder she even speaks to me these days.

 

[Reflection]

Originally posted by shelbyjosh
....I am so tired of asking her to do things (pick up clothes, brush, hair/teeth, etc) and getting the standard "in a minute". Then I am harping on her 2 minutes later. She says if I quit harping she would do things. Baloney!! Harp or no harp she won't do it.....

Shelbyjosh, this sounds so familar! LOL

I've found if I can depersonalize the request, I don't have to nag (oops, harp so much). So, I use a kitchen timer. Teeth brushed, clothes picked up, books in book bag at bottom of steps ready to be picked up on the way out the door in the morning before the timer goes off, she gets a gold sticker. A certain number of stickers can then be turned in for a special treat.

Isn't it good to know we are not alone?!

 

[shelbyjosh]

What are we doing wrong...or what are these girls doing right?? Are we just too easy on them??? They sure know how to play us, don't they?

 

[ElizK]

DD12 was like that at that age. Oddly enough her attitude and "hormones" improved as the year wore on. At 10 she would cry over nothing. She doesn't do that much anymore. I'm starting to get more attitude from her again, though.

 

[shelbyjosh]

How do you know when the girls will start going thru the maturation process?? What were your first clues? Moods? Physical changes, I assume?

 

[poohandwendy]

toatlly normal and I promise, it gets better...but it takes a while, sometimes a long while...

 

[poohandwendy]

Originally posted by shelbyjosh
How do you know when the girls will start going thru the maturation process?? What were your first clues? Moods? Physical changes, I assume?

Mood swings,
change in body shape,
hair that grows where it never did before,
breasts


(many times in the order above, but some girls will have one or another come first)

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

We haven't started seeing this with DD9 yet, but I'm bracing myself--she's been such a sweet, easy child since birth, I know I'll have to "pay" sometime! But I'm also a GS leader, and we're definitely seeing some issues with some of the girls in the troop, so I've been reading up on stuff and getting ready. On the other hand, DS7 has been the source of all my gray hairs up until now--he OWES me an easy adolescence!

 

[goofy4tink]

Yep, dd is just 11 and it's been a nightmare at our house. She is/was normally a wonderfully sweet little girl. But, the mouth has started. At least I'm luckier than most of you. When I was pregnant with her, I was also going thru 'the change' so now I'm waaaaay done with that. It's kind of nice to have just the one hormonal person in the house, instead of two.

What I do when I get 'the attitude' from her is say..."Who pretty much controls your life? Who provides you with food, clean clothes, trips to WDW? You might think a little more about totally p***ing that person off!!!" And then about 10 minutes later she apologizes. I think it sometimes actually scares her when she gets so mouthy and she wonders where it comes from!!!! But, it's gotten so bad in the past month or so that I'm sure the periods and breast devel. can't be far away!!!! The devel. has started a bit if you are really observant.

So, ladies hang in there. It will get worse before it gets better. I have a 28 y/o dd and I've been down this road before. Heaven help us all.

 

[DVC Jen]

I have an 11 yr old and a 16 yr old. When my 16 yr old was a tween she was a nightmare.. VERY moody.. wait she still is.

Our 11 yr old is more laid back.. not all that moody.. usually happy. BUT... I am waiting for the ball to drop.

*I* can understand it... but my poor DH... he is stuck with 3 moody women in the house. Thank goodness he was raised with all women and is used to it.

 

[Lucky4me]

The good news is my 18yo daughter has outgrown it. The bad news is my 9yo daughter is moving in to take her 'teenager with an attitude' place.

The BEST thing that works with her is my physical presence. I find if I try and parent from the computer that gets me nowhere. If I am standing over her telling her to do things while looking at her, the tasks get done much quicker and with less lip. Same thing when I'm on the phone. They take advantage if they think you're not paying attention and attention is all they want.