Trying not to be a mama bear, but...

[castleview]

DD11 has been excited about her holiday concert coming up and was trying out for a solo part. I guess ten girls were chosen and she wasn't one of them, so I'm using it as a lesson in disappointment. Then she told me that the teacher said that everyone had such a good voice that she couldn't decide and had to draw names out of a hat. So part of me is like "that's nice she's trying to make everyone feel better." Another part of me is like "they're fifth graders, they can be taught they won't always get what they want and they might have to try harder…and if you're not lying then make a freakin' decision."

Anyway, she told me who got parts and who didn't. I couldn't help noticing that the girls (four of them) who didn't get parts are the low maintenance kids who don't whine or complain - this teacher tolerates a lot of talking back. So I'm trying not to be ticked and overthinking, but I am. It's late and maybe I should just go to bed. Someone smack me.

 

[hereyago]

Sorry your DD didn't get the part. You know what burns my buns? People who enable. You say the teacher tolerates alot of back talk and the whining high maintenance kids? Yea, that isn't going to be cute when these kids grow up and people like me won't enable them.

It just seems so easy for people not want to be confrontational and let people get by with stuff. And for the people who don't put up with the nonsense, it is harder because everyone before them let the little mamby pamby people get their way.

 

[castleview]

Yes, it was the chorus teacher who told the kids she couldn't decide who had strong voices or not. I agree with the second part also. I can't prove that the teacher chose those kids because she didn't want to hear it (and I certainly won't tell DD my theory), but it's on my mind.

 

[badblackpug]

I think that you should just let it go. Keep with the plan that this is a teachable moment, and that, in spite of our best efforts, we don't always get what we want.

 

[MichelleVW]

DD11 has been excited about her holiday concert coming up and was trying out for a solo part. I guess ten girls were chosen and she wasn't one of them, so I'm using it as a lesson in disappointment. Then she told me that the teacher said that everyone had such a good voice that she couldn't decide and had to draw names out of a hat. So part of me is like "that's nice she's trying to make everyone feel better." Another part of me is like "they're fifth graders, they can be taught they won't always get what they want and they might have to try harder…and if you're not lying then make a freakin' decision."

Anyway, she told me who got parts and who didn't. I couldn't help noticing that the girls (four of them) who didn't get parts are the low maintenance kids who don't whine or complain - this teacher tolerates a lot of talking back. So I'm trying not to be ticked and overthinking, but I am. It's late and maybe I should just go to bed. Someone smack me.

Let it go...

 

[NMAmy]

I think that you should just let it go. Keep with the plan that this is a teachable moment, and that, in spite of our best efforts, we don't always get what we want.

It's best to learn to be gracious in these kind of situations at a young age.

 

[castleview]

It's best to learn to be gracious in these kind of situations at a young age.

That's my overall feeling and I never planned on doing any thing. She's just at the beginning hormonal age where the girls start getting excited "OMG, I made it!!!!!!!" and hugging while others are quietly in pain - think cheerleading tryouts - so that was hard. I told her she's on the other side of the coin much of the time, so she can't get everything.

It was interesting that she was just as upset at the names being pulled out of a hat (whether teacher was being truthful or not). Honestly, I can talk to her about handling disappointment. But explaining why authority figures do confusing things isn't easy.

 

[Mermaid02]

First of all, it is ridiculous that the chorus teacher didn't CHOOSE the solo parts..... is this a chorus where the kids try out or a chorus that ANY can take part in regardless of ability? If it's the latter, the teacher really isn't doing the "non-singers" any favors by giving them solo parts. If it was try out chorus and everyone is a nice singer, maybe the hat thing isnt' such a big deal.

Either way, let it go. Just be ticked off in your head- that's what I do- LOL

 

[luvsJack]

OP I understand exactly how you feel, although, I dd wouldn't know it. Its her show choir teacher and it is unreal how she makes these decisions.

One girl had to try out for the solo by going into a closet with the teacher to sing because she was scared to sing in front of the other girls (even the child's mother told me this) But, because this girl's mother works in the district office, she got the part!!

Another girl got a solo simply because her mother keeps raising cane and telling everyone that her daughter has an anger problem.

I just keep telling dd, "I am sure Mrs. X had her reasons for choosing them". Its coming back to bite her now though, because neither girl shows up for practice and she is having to replace them both.

 

[snykymom]

Sorry, but I disagree with much of the advice here. Children, especially girls, need to know how to stand up for themselves. They need to learn how to read a situation and adapt to it. Otherwise, the quiet ones will get pushed around their whole lives in the attempt to be "nice" or "gracious."

If the chorus teacher prefers the high maintenance kids, and gives them the parts because of it, then IMO, you should teach your daughter how to make herself heard. Not necessarily to be obnoxious or "high maintenance" but to make sure that she doesn't get overlooked and pushed into the background. It's a life lesson to learn how to be assertive without being aggressive or "high maintenance." I've seen it happen in meetings and in courtrooms (I was a litigator) - the quiet, polite ones get steamrolled by the ones who talk louder and faster (if the judge or the person running the meeting allows it). So I and many of the smaller women had to learn how to talk louder and faster, and not just "be gracious."

I think it's wrong to teach girls to "work hard and it'll be rewarded" in situations in which that's clearly not the case.

Now, I don't mean that you should go complain, and I think your D should be gracious to the girls who got the solos. I mean that you should teach her these skills for the next time.

 

[golfgal]

I'm confused. The choir director had a hard time picking soloists so she drew names and you are upset because your DD didn't get a part . Do you want her to redraw names because in your perception, the kids that got picked are whinny? Sooooo, how is that different then you?

It's 5th grade choir, big deal. If my Dd came home with this story she would have told me what happened, I would have said, oh and moved on. It isn't worth even giving a second thought to it?

 

[cabanafrau]

I have to agree w/ letting it go.

 

[Northstar]

I'm confused. The choir director had a hard time picking soloists so she drew names and you are upset because your DD didn't get a part . Do you want her to redraw names because in your perception, the kids that got picked are whinny? Sooooo, how is that different then you?

The OP suspects that the choir director is, umm, telling an untruth about drawing the names, and that she actually just picked the kids by using the criterion: what's going to make my life easier?

I also would let it go, but the first problem (when the director went back on saying the choice would be made based on a competition) would certainly have reduced my reliance on this director's being a stand-up kind of gal. I also would suspect that the "draw" never happened and the director is a worm (not a snake, just a worm).

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I'm confused. The choir director had a hard time picking soloists so she drew names and you are upset because your DD didn't get a part . Do you want her to redraw names because in your perception, the kids that got picked are whinny? Sooooo, how is that different then you?

I agree with Golfgal.

To pile on a bit more, I also think suspecting that the choir teacher lied about drawing names is a bit paranoid.

to your DD, though. Disappointments are sometimes hard to accept at any age!

 

[LuvOrlando]

As long as your DD knows you are on her side it won't matter what the others do. Since you seem to have that covered she'll be fine.

I watched the New Karate Kid with my family last weekend and both of my kids were laughing about how similar I am to the Mom in the movie. To me there is nothing wrong with being a MaMa Bear as long as you know when to pump the brakes . sounds to me like your are keeping your cool, so no harm done.

 

[MichelleVW]

Sorry, but I disagree with much of the advice here. Children, especially girls, need to know how to stand up for themselves. They need to learn how to read a situation and adapt to it. Otherwise, the quiet ones will get pushed around their whole lives in the attempt to be "nice" or "gracious."

If the chorus teacher prefers the high maintenance kids, and gives them the parts because of it, then IMO, you should teach your daughter how to make herself heard. Not necessarily to be obnoxious or "high maintenance" but to make sure that she doesn't get overlooked and pushed into the background. It's a life lesson to learn how to be assertive without being aggressive or "high maintenance." I've seen it happen in meetings and in courtrooms (I was a litigator) - the quiet, polite ones get steamrolled by the ones who talk louder and faster (if the judge or the person running the meeting allows it). So I and many of the smaller women had to learn how to talk louder and faster, and not just "be gracious."

I think it's wrong to teach girls to "work hard and it'll be rewarded" in situations in which that's clearly not the case.

Now, I don't mean that you should go complain, and I think your D should be gracious to the girls who got the solos. I mean that you should teach her these skills for the next time.

But who knows that she gave the parts to the so called "high maintenance" girls because of drama or it was random. You can't prove it. There are times when you should stand up for yourself, but this isn't one of them.

 

[C.Ann]

Someone smack me.

SMACK !!!!!!!!

It's best to learn to be gracious in these kind of situations at a young age.

I agree.. Sometimes it's just hard to see our kids disappointed, but it's best to use it as a learning experience..

 

[castleview]

I'm confused. The choir director had a hard time picking soloists so she drew names and you are upset because your DD didn't get a part . Do you want her to redraw names because in your perception, the kids that got picked are whinny? Sooooo, how is that different then you?

It's 5th grade choir, big deal. If my Dd came home with this story she would have told me what happened, I would have said, oh and moved on. It isn't worth even giving a second thought to it?

Would you read for heaven's sake? I said I'm letting it go and not letting DD know my suspicions. I certainly don't want a re-draw if that's what she did in the first place…and I don't think she did. This teacher is a very nice, yet meek, woman so there's no reason for it.

Not sure why you got so catty or if you just are tired of people calling you out on your attitude and are now taking it out on me.

 

[mjkacmom]

My first thought was the teacher did choose the kids based on their talent, but didn't want to hurt feelings. Let it go (althoug, to be fair, my kids always got picked for solos, and dd14 wasn't the best behaved back then).

 

[castleview]

My first thought was the teacher did choose the kids based on their talent, but didn't want to hurt feelings. Let it go (althoug, to be fair, my kids always got picked for solos, and dd14 wasn't the best behaved back then).

I actually prefer she pick them on talent. DD worked hard for her tryout, so being told it was by draw was kind of a smack.