Trouble with the Twins....again

[Mickeyistheman]

I watch before and afterschool 5 year old Twins.

Things have been pretty good, up until about a week ago. Their parents are getting divorced and Dad has moved out of the house. So the kids have been acting up ALOT. Mornings are more difficult now and afterschool the issue I have been coming across is that Mom and/or Dad tell them that they will be there at 3pm. THEY AREN'T they just say that to them to shut them up or appease them.

That creates a big problem for me, they throw tantrums, meltdowns whatever you want to call it. I am getting tired of them being this way. I have been using a point system but they don't even care about that anymore.

Everytime I think I am having progress with them, the weekend comes and it all goes to pot.

What I also found out was that the kids do see Dad after work during the week, Mom goes out and doesn't come home till after they are in bed.

I know many of you had said that I should look elsewhere but I need the little money that I am given for watching them and when they are good, I enjoy being with them. But now its almost like I WANT to make them better children and even better people in the long run. They are going through a difficult time and its the parents fault.

The little boy was sick all last week, Thursday he got sent home from school with a 102 fever. The mom said it wasn't that bad, but she was taking off the next day.....instead of staying home with her sick son, she let the daughter go to school (coughing and sneezing mind you) then asked me to come and watch the boy while she went to a friends parents funeral. Now it was an odd situation because both parents died within a day of each other but she left the house at 930am....didn't come home till after 330pm ( she did pick up the little girl from school though )

Your son is home and was very sick, his fever lasted ALL day. It just makes me mad and upset that she just doesn't care and doesn't have her priorities straight.

I just don't know what to do anymore, the time outs don't work and the kids lie all the time and throw fits like crazy. They are not my children so I can't yell at them, it has come to that point now. They just don't listen.

Case in point this morning....Mom was late for work ( as usual ) didn't have time to brush little girls hair..she asked me to do it. Girl starts to whine and cry...instead of Mom leaving saying I have to go to work, I love you etc. but Babysitter has to do it. She says come on hurry up...girl stops crying immediatly and comes into the kitchen smiling and then sticks her tongue out at me which to me says "Haha, I won"

Help, please!

 

[RitaZ.]

Find another job.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

At this point and time, its not possible.

I have went on numerous websites but trying to find information has been tough. So I am back on here asking for advice.

Moms, Dads, teachers whomever. It's mainly on how to get them to listen to me.

 

[LadyZolt]

OK, I'd try making a clear distinction between whatever is in their life and the time they spend with you. Like, when the come in the door, have them take off their shoes and take a deep breath. Maybe get them some fun slippers to wear, or socks with non-skid bottoms. And tell them, "In here, this is our sanctuary. I'm in charge and we're going to have fun, and whatever happened outside the door stays out there, and what we bring in here is positive, upbeat words and thoughts." And make it really fun for them -- play soap bubbles in the kitchen, make the living room a "fort" with the sofa cushions, turn off all the lights and shine flashlights on the ceiling -- or clear a space out and have them "chase" the light as you put it on the floor or walls. Make it feel more magical and removed from their current situation -- like their own fantasy land, Disney World, escape from the divorce stuff. And just keep saying, "Whatever your Mom / Dad do, that's up to them. But in here, this is the way we do things." I think if you make yourself firm but also loving and fun, they will behave more in your house because they will want to spend time with you.

Another thought I had was that you can charge the parents more if they tell the kids they're picking them up at 3 and then don't. Some day care centers charge a dollar for every minute after the pick-up time. You have to make the parents realize that they can't lie to these kids, especially now.

I hope that it all works out OK. It's not the kids' fault the parents are being jerks. I will pray for the whole situation.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I agree it isn't the kids fault the parents are jerks. I understand not yelling at them BUT you are the adult in charge of them so you do need to find a way to take control. Time outs on the sofa? They are 5 and are going to see how far they can push you .Just stay firm and be there for them when their parents won't be.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

At this point and time, its not possible.

I have went on numerous websites but trying to find information has been tough. So I am back on here asking for advice.

Moms, Dads, teachers whomever. It's mainly on how to get them to listen to me.

Mom or the kids?

As for the children...

Set ground rules and set consequences. The are under your care and you can make that happen.

Do what super nanny does (actually google her for more info!):

Have a set of simple, clear rules (i.e. no hurting other people, use kind words...that sort of thing).

Have a consequence for rule breaking (naughty corner 1 minute per year of age). And keep placing them in that corner until they are there for the full time (but not adding to the time!). I watched one show where the mom did this for a full 2 hours and the kid FINALLY stayed in the corner. Place them there and leave.


For very out of hand behaviors--also institute a reward system. They get a sticker for every duration you establish that they behave. (so for this particular family on supernany, it was behaving in the car.) then reward them with things you can reward them with when they earn a set amount of stickers. Since you are a caregiver, you can have a prize jar or something since you can't do things like give a later bedtime for example.



Lastly--incorporate fun in the day to sort of mitigate the opportunity for misbheavior. The only catch is...the rules still apply.


It is easier to offer advice than it is to implement it. But once you have it in your head that you will no longer put up with this, then at least while they are in your care, they will have the peace of consistent structure.

I had a tough time in my youth and I found that any place that I went such as school or to daycare/babysitter--it turned into my refuge and safe haven b/c there were no surprises. The rules were the rules and I would be treated well even if I didn't follow the rules (after paying the consequences of course). The rules in my own home life were "flexible"--but not in a good way for a small child.


Just look up supernanny for additional tips. Be sure to keep an open mind and sticking with an attempt before giving up.

These children want you to give up--so that they can continue to misbehave.

They need you to be consistent and not give up, so that they can learn to behave.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'd find another job. NOTHING is worth that stress, frustration and anxiety. They aren't your children and aren't your responsibility.

For your own well-being, I think it's time to move on from that family.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Thank you for the replies.

It doesn't stress me out, since they are not my children but I want to succeed and I want the kids to be okay. I know they aren't perfect but when things were really good, they were such a joy, but now things have shifted and I am trying to regain the control that I had. They were very well behaved and we had fun doing our routine and now bam. I have hit a roadblock.

I forgot about the SuperNanny, I will have to go to her website for more tips.

I watch them at their home, not mine. With the holidays around the corner, I am getting together some fun arts and crafts ideas (they do like that) some other fun games. BUT if they don't listen and follow the rules they don't get to do the fun stuff. This past Weds it was raining here and just yucky out. So I took them to our local store and said they could each get one thing to munch on while we watched a movie...Monsters Inc. The little boy wanted a toy out of those Quarter machines, I told him no and moved on. That is ALL he could talk about, well Mommy lets me and its only a quarter etc etc. I explained I wasn't mommy and you are getting a treat already that more costly than a quarter. If he had his own quarter he could have gotten one but he didn't.

They have been calling me "Meanie" lately because if they don't listen I tell them it upsets me and we aren't able to do the fun things we used to. When they do listen they can earn points to a prize and we can do the fun things. In one ear and out the other.

 

[funkychunkymonkey]

Remind them " My job is to keep you safe, and your job is to help me keep it that way!" It works with my students. Also look up concious disipline. We implemented this at work and it helps alot. Set a routine. When you get there have some cool welcoming thing you do once mom or dad go. The we wish you well concious displine song is a good one. Also try teaching them the star method; Stop Take a deep breath And Relax.


http://www.consciousdiscipline.com/

 

[lovetoscrap]

I always recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. You can probably find it at your library. It fully explains the concept of counting to 3 and using time out effectively. Many schools use the same concept. It is simple, straightforward and no nonsense when dealing with discipline, and it will provide the structure that these kids are craving.

 

[bumbershoot]

Even though it's at their home, I like LadyZolt's ideas. Very Mr Rogers...that was parent time, this is us time, let's change it up. Actually I kind of do that at home...if one of us is having a bad mood, we'll sort of start again. Leave the room, come back in, greet again, etc. Works even with hubby!


I feel so sad for them. My mom and dad's marriage was awful from before my brother and I showed up, and it took until I was 4 for my mom to end it, but it was that divorce mark that really changed me. You can see the change in my pictures, even. So so sad. Of course in my case my mom was doing all she could to help us, so these kids have it worse.


I like that you want to be there, stay consistent in their lives. It's good for them.


Gotta stop the parents from lying to them about when they'll pick them up, though! Hey, my son is really interested in time-telling, he's picking up both digital and "normal" clocks. He's 5...do you think you could try to help them with expectations with a nice big clock that they could refer to? Don't know how it's going to fly since this will pretty much require you to address the fact that "yes it's 3 and mom said 3 but that's not going to happen", but I'm sure you could find some diplomatic way to work through that.

Thanks for trying to be there for the kids.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you for the replies.

It doesn't stress me out, since they are not my children but I want to succeed and I want the kids to be okay. I know they aren't perfect but when things were really good, they were such a joy, but now things have shifted and I am trying to regain the control that I had. They were very well behaved and we had fun doing our routine and now bam. I have hit a roadblock.

I forgot about the SuperNanny, I will have to go to her website for more tips.

I watch them at their home, not mine. With the holidays around the corner, I am getting together some fun arts and crafts ideas (they do like that) some other fun games. BUT if they don't listen and follow the rules they don't get to do the fun stuff. This past Weds it was raining here and just yucky out. So I took them to our local store and said they could each get one thing to munch on while we watched a movie...Monsters Inc. The little boy wanted a toy out of those Quarter machines, I told him no and moved on. That is ALL he could talk about, well Mommy lets me and its only a quarter etc etc. I explained I wasn't mommy and you are getting a treat already that more costly than a quarter. If he had his own quarter he could have gotten one but he didn't.

They have been calling me "Meanie" lately because if they don't listen I tell them it upsets me and we aren't able to do the fun things we used to. When they do listen they can earn points to a prize and we can do the fun things. In one ear and out the other.

Now I am not a nanny but a mom and telling a kid that you are upset by their behavior is a big no-no when you are trying to regain control.

Basically when you tell them that, they won, because that was the objective in the first place.

I guess my suggestion to you is that you cannot keep looking back at what you used to have.

Instead you need to move forward with something different. Since talking, prizes and points are not working you need to go back to basics just to establish a basic routine.

If they want to do fun stuff they have to earn it back instead of trying to entice them to do it. Right now they are acting out, which is normal for a kid going thru trauma.

 

[agnes!]

I'd try putting explaining the rules when you're in charge.
Have a clear set of consequences.
If you put them in the "naughty chair" (or whatever), no emotion, no yelling, just "this is the way it is".
Walk away.
When they get up (and they *will*), put them back in the chair...Rinse, lather, repeat.
They get no extra attention, you do not say "you two hurt my feelings" or anything similar.
Try ignoring the terrible twosome, they'll HATE it.
When their time is up, be cheerful, ask for (and get) an "I'm sorry" and then the incident is never discussed.
Every day is a new day, every time they go to the Naughty Chair, it wipes the slate clean.

And seriously consider charging the parents extra $ when they are late picking up the twins.

If you truly cannot get another job, then you MUST figure out some ways to make this one more palatable to your psyche. Getting a handle on the kids' out-of-control behavior *and* the parents' out-of-control behavior will make your life sooooooo much easier.

agnes!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Even though they're not your kids you can most certainly discipline them when they're in your care. When the little girl stuck her tongue out at you, that should have resulted in an immediate time-out or suspension of privileges (like before-school TV). They need to learn that they are not allowed to walk all over you. You are an adult and they need to treat you with respect.

I agree with others who suggested Supernanny techniques. We use these in our special ed preschool class. Bad behavior gets a warning. If they repeat the behavior they go to time out. They can cry all they want but they still have to complete the time out. If they get up, you take them back with no explanation. You may have to take them back 50 times but you have to stay with it. As soon as you give up, they'll know you can be manipulated. It's not easy but we've turned around the behavior of many kids. Their parents wonder why the kids behave for us but not at home. It's because the kids know we mean business and we never back down. When they behave, they get lots of praise and attention. They quickly figure out that's the better way to go. Good luck!

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Thank you everyone, I do want to be something that is consistant in their lives right now, because I know its not really their fault. They are children BUT when they are in my care they need to behave and listen.

I did go to the Supernanny website yesterday and got some good ideas.

They were alright afterschool but the girl had a silly fit and yelled and screamed and then laughed about it. I knelt down and told her when we got home she was going to have a time out.

Came home - got a bit settled, they were hungry ( I should have done it then but I did not )

She wanted to start her homework and we did. The boy was playing very good by himself so I let him be.

We played Tic Tac Toe, talked about their weekend, they were good.

But we did all sit down and right up House Rules for when I am watching them. We made 5 and I even asked them if I should add a few more and they were cute and said to put our seatbelt on in the car and listen etc. It was cute.

Its a bit cold her today, so we will be inside and today is Playdough day so we'll see how it goes.

I really really try to not have the TV on at all because they become zombies and I want them to play and use their imagination too. They don't really know how to do that.

I am bringing some of my Disney pictures with me as well, because they have never been to Disney....(Dramatic hand to head) I was stunned lol...they want me to take them there....If I had the money I would do it in a heartbeat as long as they were good haha.

 

[lovetoscrap]

PLEASE, do not make a "threat" if you aren't going to follow through with it. The WORST thing you can do is say that they are going to get a time out and then not do it. If it is absolutely not possible to do it immediately (my kids have had time out in a corner in the grocery store, sitting in the car while I am right outside the door with my back turned, or sitting on the ground next to the car) then immediately upon walking through the door of the house you say--with no emotion-- Susie, have a seat on the naughty chair. I don't care if she is hungry, has homework, needs to feed the dog etc... the only thing I will allow is a quick bathroom trip if absolutely necessary, and then that child is in the chair.

You are absolutely setting yourself up for failure if you do not follow through. DO NOT say it will happen if you don't intend to make it happen. And this goes for the good stuff too!

These kids need structure and routine right now. The best thing that you can do for them is to give them rules and consequenses. Children crave structure and boundaries. They aren't getting it from their parents. If you want to help them, be the one to do that for them.