Trip to WDW--In-laws won't take no for an answer!

[brookmey]

Thank you for all the good advice and encouraging words. MIL has been on vacation, so we've heard very little from the crazies (as DH likes to call them).

2 years ago DH started counseling to deal with issues stemming from his childhood and he has since accepted that his dad is an alcoholic and he and his family are codependents. He is now able to stand up to his mom's guilt tactics, which is a HUGE accomplishment and he doesn't feel responsible for any of them anymore. I've gone with him to understand codependency more and I've learned to not take anything they do personally and to not let it get to me so much. Now most of what they do just rolls off our backs, with the exception being when they've made negative comments about my family or our relationship. It's been harder to just let those things go.

We have decided that we're going to see them for 1 day when we are in MI in July. We have also decided that we are going to severely limit their involvement in our lives. We no longer believe in "family is still family" and that family is always there for you because in the case of my in-laws, it's simply not true. We have friends who have always been there for us, are supportive, encouraging, and who respect our boundaries. My in-laws have done none of those things. It's really not healthy for us or our kids to have much to do with these people. They are negative people and they try to bring you down instead of build you up. I understand why they do what they do, so it's much easier to just let it go.

Thanks again for the positive words and for letting me vent!

 

[Sandy61]

I'm sure you are doing this...but please protect your children as much as you can. Try not to fight about the in-laws in front of them. Try to be straight-forward when talking about these issues to them but also try to be diplomatic and kind if at all possible. Don't leave the kids alone with them even for short amount of time. They would probably like to see the family this summer but protect them while there. Wow what a balancing act you have to do! Stay firm and calm and do the best you can for your husband and children.

My mil was horrific also but I protected the kids the best I could even tho I thought differently in my head. One famous birthday for my ds, mil gave him a small toy 4-wheeler that was in a taped-up package and the .69 cent toy was broken. Fortunatly my son was too young to really notice.

 

[S'sMom]

I apologize if this is long, but some background info is necessary.

My in-laws are in interesting bunch and it's taken me 9 years to not let them get to me anymore. DH has 4 younger sisters, 3 of which are single moms, never married. For 2 of the sisters the dads are not in the picture and never have been. My MIL feels responsible for those grandkids because they don't have another family to dote on them and send them presents for b-days or Christmas.

DH's family is very codependent and have no boundaries or limits. They get involved in every aspect of each other's lives and accuse us of not caring about them because we don't do the same. We avoid their drama as much as possible. The 3 single moms expect the rest of the family to take care of their kids and look out for them because they don't have husbands. They especially expect that of DH and I because we're married, stable and have an income that allows us to save for extras, like trips to WDW.

In September we are going to WDW with my family to celebrate my parents' 40th anniversary. The trip was initiated by my parents because the only celebration they want is to spend Halloween at WDW with all 6 of their grandkids. DD7 and DS4 are staying with my parents and their cousins at SSR, while DH and I are staying at POFQ. DH and I will do some things with everyone else, but we have also scheduled some alone time and activities for just the 2 of us. Fine with my parents, they want the grandkids to themselves! DH and I are looking forward to this.

Since they found out, 2 of DH's sisters have been after us to bring their kids with us, a nephew age 14 and niece age 11. Out of the question and we've explained why. This isn't our family trip, it's one with my parents. SisIL see it differently, they say it's an opportunity for DH and I to spend some alone time with our niece and nephew who we hardly ever see b/c they're in MI and we're in TX and why wouldn't we want to do that? Don't we love our niece and nephew?

Last week, my MIL called, trying to convince DH to change his mind. She really tried to lay on the guilt, but DH didn't bite. In the past he would have, but he's gotten really good at setting boundaries with his family and not feeling bad or responsible for their reactions. But this was expected, as our nephew is the "golden child," can do no wrong and everyone is expected to and does bend over backwards for him. Niece's mom tried to arrange a trip in April, but didn't have the money, so she figured her daughter could go with us in September. Didn't even ask, just assumed. MIL wouldn't let it go, wouldn't take no for an answer, so DH told her he was done talking about it and basically hung up on her. She has emailed me, trying to appeal to my "mom side" and even tried to use my own words of why WDW's so great against me to plead a case for the niece and nephew. I answered her back with a polite and simple no.

Last night I talked to my mom and learned that my MIL called my mom to try to convince her! Up until this, I wasn't really phased by what my in-laws were doing, I half expected it. Daily emails, weekly phone calls, trying to put on the pressure and guilt. But now I'm infuriated that my MIL actually called my mom, trying to get niece and nephew included! My mom and I have worked hard to make this trip special and we're doing some extra things that we normally don't do. This trip is about my family and my parents, and it's very important to my parents to have this time with their grandchildren. My mom was upset and confused and did not appreciate being put on the spot like that. My mom was blunt and straightforward and said that this was a trip for them and that they decide who comes on it. That's my mom.

Now I'm really PO'd at all of them. This morning I got another email from the sisters and a phone call from my MIL. The sisters' emails now get sent directly to junk mail and I didn't answer the phone. DH is furious, too, because this time MIL went way too far. She went after my mom!

Sorry this is so long, I needed to vent in the worst way and my best friend is at work and can't talk!

I'm not sure what to do now since NOTHING is getting through to the in-laws. Do we just cut communication with them? We have a trip to MI (where they all are) this summer and plan to see the in-laws for 1 day of our 27 day trip. Do we cancel the plans to see them? I know it won't matter what we say ahead of time about this topic being off-limits, they'll bring it up in their passive-aggressive ways or use our kids to change our minds.

I'm just so mad because this Disney trip is about my parents and now my in-laws are trying to make it all about them!

I can understand your frustration. Point blank they can't go. You and your dh have expressed that as many times as you could, and if they do not understand that is on them.

I did take my niece on one of my vacations, pretty much for the same reasons they are giving to you. I love her, but to be honest it was the WORST vacation we have had. My dh, dd (8) and ds(2) have gone about 1-2 times a year since dd was 7 months old, and that vacation was not a good one. From that point we decided never again. The attitude, the everything. It would not have bothered me too much, if we were home and she behaved that way (she was 15 at the time), but on a vacation when I need piece, no way.

Instead of them taking the time to contact you and your family, they should be planning their own vacations and footing the bill. I know that you guys work hard to have what you have and others will have to do the same.

My twin is a single mom who works FT along with PT. Every year she takes just her and her two children on a 7 night cruise,and they are ages 6 & 3 (almost 4). She has done that the last 3 years and to this day she does not have a problem with it. Those are her children and she provides them with what they need and does not rely on others to do the same.

Bless your heart.. a BIG To you!!

My other family, REFUSE to go anywhere Disney with us, so we have no worries on that front

 

[THEBIGTODOLIST]

I hope you never have to go to Disney with that side of the family. That's just not magical.

Thanks Disneymegs I have added this to my quote journal.

 

[tsme]

I would totally avoid them. Don't answer the phone when it's them & delete all emails. Just stop all communication, if your DH wants to still talk to them, then that would be up to him. I always make my DH deal with his family's issues. It makes things much easier. And don't give in!