Trip in 39 days, Dont even feel like going!

[alexis_fate]

My family and I leave in about 39 days for a trip to my "happy place". But right now I don't even want to go. Trust me I know how that statement sounds! I mean really who doesn't want to go on the vacation they have been planning for a year.

My marriage has been unstable since Feb when I found out my husband and had an "issue". I don't really want to go into the who, what, where, when because it makes me physically ill. He has assured me the "issue" didn't go as far as I think it did. At this point I am not even sure that matters.

Since I found out I have been an emotional wreck. I decided not to make him leave for a number of reasons, right or wrong that is the decision that I made. But I wonder everyday if he loves me or even wants to be here. He says he does want to be here and loves me more than anything. So how do you hurt someone you love that much?

Anyway it is constantly on my mind and torments me to no end. I don't know how to move on and forgive him. I am always worried that it is going on again, my mind thinks the most horrible things. The worst part is everyday when I go to work the "issue" is next door working!

Someone tell me something to make this horrible gut wrenching pain go away so I can go enjoy this vacation.

 

[frtchr]

I'm so sorry.

 

[alexis_fate]

Thank you! Its just so tough right now for me!

 

[Polyluvr]

Call your Dr. and get a referral to a therapist- having someone to help you work through your feelings and how to move on is what you need.

Good luck and to you!

Ps- we are going to WDW on 5/26 also!

 

[irisesareblue]

So sorry about this !


Just go with the idea that nothing is perfect and use the vacation as a treat you truly deserve. I don't know what the issue is and I don't pretend to know, although I can say I've been at the end of my rope and hanging by a thread when it comes to relationships - breaking of trust is a difficult pill and it brings up all sorts of emotions from our pasts that need to be re-dealt with. Sucks! But - you are strong! You will be able to move forward from this point in your life and be okay. It may take a while but you will be okay no matter what decisions you make.

My suggestion is this - When you go on vacation, sleep in, be good to yourself - don't push everything to the limit - relax by the pool - watch the parades - cry at the sight of the castle - nurture that child within you who is hurting right now. Give yourself encouragement in being away from the everyday and in a magical world.

Blessings!

 

[cassandrap83]

My husband and I were in a similar situation last year about 3weeks before our first Disney trip. I think the trip strengthened us, and we've been getting better, everyday since!

 

[DEA]

First off, I am very sorry that this has happened to you and your relationship, and especially that it is getting in the way of your enjoyment of what should be a very enjoyable trip.

It sounds like you are really owning your decision to stay with your husband. Relationships can recover from things that seem incredibly divisive, but it takes the work of both people to do so. I would echo a PP's suggestion to find someone to talk to, and would also suggest that you and your husband find a couples/marital therapist who can assist the relationship's recovery from this. I know that sounds like a lot of therapy, but a relationship has its own needs even apart from the needs of the individuals in it. If you can find a marital therapist with whom both you and your husband are happy, it can help communication, rebuilding trust, and healing the relationship.

Good luck!

 

[bumbershoot]

I don't know how to help you right now (though if you're into alternative stuff, this "flower essence" called Rescue Remedy helps me and my family tremendously for various things...for me sometimes I just get nervous as anything, and that helps calm the stomach butterflies).

But if you want help going forward, I would really recommend that DH get some individual counseling to try to find (and fix) the reason he let "the issue" into his life in the first place. DH, when he was just my fiance, had counseling to get to the core of his lifelong problems that were causing us problems, and it was SO helpful.

Counseling for you might be nice, too, to really have a safe place to talk and work through your feelings.

And once it feels right, couples counseling can help you communicate in a safe place with someone who will teach you how to focus on what you're talking about so things can't spiral.


I hope you can enjoy this trip, I really do. :hug

 

[Leleluvsdis]

I always find that a get away is nice, because it takes you away from all the other drama that's going on and lets you focus on the situation at hand.

 

[Kat&Dom]

I am really, really sorry that you are going through this. My marriage was not able to survive my DH's affair because he was not willing to make any changes to his life. It sounds like your DH loves you and wants to make things right. It will take months, even years to rebuild trust and then it will be a different type of trust. It is no one's business if you chose to stay in your marriage and try to work through the issues. I think that PP's have given excellent advice about you getting counselling for yourself and marriage counselling for the two of you. You need a judge free environment to express and work through your emotions and as much as our friends love us, they don't always provide that environment. Also, the marriage counselling is important so that you can build something new and strong. I truly hope that you are able to come out of with a stronger marriage and a deeper friendship with your husband. Again, I am so sorry. I hope that by the time your Disney vacation comes, that you will be in a different and more happy place in your relationship with your DH. Good luck!

 

[alexis_fate]

Thank you all so much for your support, it really does help! I have been thinking about talking to someone since there is so much going through my mind right now.

I am hoping that maybe getting away will remove me from some of the drama surrounding this situtation.

I guess I was one of those people who thought it would never happen to me!

Thanks again!

 

[frtchr]

Definitely talk to someone. I haven't been in your situation, but talking to a counselor after my divorce helped me more than I can say. You'll need an outlet so you can stay strong for your kids and yourself.

 

[E3yore]

Take this trip as your chance to build on your relationship and take time for yourself. I see a spa day in your future.

 

[cm8]

, OP, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that things get easier for you and your family. Make as many positive thoughts as you can and when you feel distressed, find them and concentrate on why the affirm what you stand for and what it means to you. I think that you need time to "grieve" and heal your body, soul and mind. You will grow stronger and get better in time.

 

[kellyg403]

OP. You are in a tough situation. No flames from me about staying in your marriage, I have seen marriages thrive after relationship ending events. If it is infidelity, remember at this point, letting him stay means you have made a committment to make the marriage work. I second the individual therapy/marriage counseling. You will need someone to talk to and vent away at who will help you put those feelings in perspective.

I would try to thing of this WDW trip as a new beginning for your family. Trust takes time, sometimes years to be fully there again but only you can make the first step in moving forward. It takes a lot of baby steps! Its ok to be angry, hurt and a thousand other emotions. The one thing you can not do is move into a punishment phase and constantly remind or punish your dh for the event. Moving on means leaving parts of our past and our new selves to flourish in the future. A nice trip could be the beginning of that healing.

Good Luck to you,I know how hard this is. I wish my marriage had survived but did not. I never thought I would get over it...but with help I not only survived and can honestly say that divorce was the right decision for ME. You have to make the decision and committment right for your family!

Kelly

 

[RachelsMommie]

OP, I know this might sound crazy, but I've been through a somewhat similar situation as you. My DH came to me with a porn problem last year and it almost destroyed our marriage.

I would definitely recommend going to a pastor or counselor together, though be careful of what counselor you go to as there are some bad ones out there. Going and talking to someone on your own would definitely help.

My other suggestion may sound crazy, but it may help. Can YOU take a vacation from the issues? During the time my DH and I were going through our issues, we actually took 48 hours to not talk about it and just to try to almost act like it didn't happen. It sounds crazy, but it gave me a chance to give my emotions a break to rest. That may be something you could do during the vacation...agree to not talk about it and to give it some time.

I hope you have a great trip and that your marriage will be healped.

 

[brockash]

My family and I leave in about 39 days for a trip to my "happy place". But right now I don't even want to go. Trust me I know how that statement sounds! I mean really who doesn't want to go on the vacation they have been planning for a year.

My marriage has been unstable since Feb when I found out my husband and had an "issue". I don't really want to go into the who, what, where, when because it makes me physically ill. He has assured me the "issue" didn't go as far as I think it did. At this point I am not even sure that matters.

Since I found out I have been an emotional wreck. I decided not to make him leave for a number of reasons, right or wrong that is the decision that I made. But I wonder everyday if he loves me or even wants to be here. He says he does want to be here and loves me more than anything. So how do you hurt someone you love that much?

Anyway it is constantly on my mind and torments me to no end. I don't know how to move on and forgive him. I am always worried that it is going on again, my mind thinks the most horrible things. The worst part is everyday when I go to work the "issue" is next door working!

Someone tell me something to make this horrible gut wrenching pain go away so I can go enjoy this vacation.

Could you go without him? I know it probably sounds a little off, and this is probably a family vacation, but I'm guessing you'd be able to have a much better time without him. Could you get a relative or friend to go with you and your children instead. Just thinking that maybe "getting away from it all" and not having to think about it for a week or so, may be nice. Obviously it'll all be there when you get back, but it'd be a nice break, and I'd hate to go to Disney with someone that's put you in such a crappy situation. Good luck!

 

[SunnieRN]

It is MUCH harder to stay together, then it is to get divorced. I admire you for being strong enough to take that path!

I don't know the circumstances, of course, but I admire your husband for being honest with you! It takes a big person to forgive and a big person to be honest, which tells me you both respect each other. This is a good beginning toward healing! Unfortunately that is not always the case and was not in my situation.

As for myself, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving for a vacation with my husband staying home, most likely taking off work, with a lot of free time on his hands. That may be the "wrong" way to feel, but unfortunately trust takes time to rebuild.

If you can do it, agree that the trip is for the children and that you would like to refrain from talking about the situation during your vacation. Hopefully, this will give you both a chance to take a few deep breaths ad move on from there to counseling individually and later, when comfortable as a couple!! Hugs and prayers for your family!

Can I just throw out there that I hate that men or women will cheat with someone that is married!!! Grrrr!

 

[ShannonMB]

OP, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this stress and drama. Whatever happened, this sort of thing certainly takes the fun out of everything, including planning a family vacation to WDW.

Not knowing exactly what the *issue* was, I can still imagine from the anguish you are sharing with us that a clear cut decision had to be made -- stick it out, or make him leave. Again, not knowing the issue, I don't know what I do, but I respect the fact that you have decided to try to keep your family together.

I think now that the decision has been made, and it sounds like your husband really IS committed to making it work as well, that you now have to move on. If you've ever watched an episode of Dr. Phil or Oprah (), you know that in order for the 2 of you to really be able to move on, you'll have to really forgive him for what he's done. If he is sincere in his apology and wanting for you guys to stay together as well, then he needs to act and LIVE that every day for a LONG time to earn back your trust. But at the same time, you're going to have to act and LIVE every day that you are trying hard to trust him again, too. It's simply not going to work if you allow the mistrust and anger in to your marriage constantly, throwing it up at him every time you get mad, etc, any more than it would work if he continued to act untrust-worthy.

IMHO, it's going to take a LOT of work on both your parts to get back to where you need to be to really live a happy life together. And I'm sure some sort of couple's therapy will really help. I hope that you will both be able to do what it takes, that you come out of this stronger than ever, and that in 20 years this whole thing will be a blip in the radar.

Best of luck to you! And DO try to have a marvelous time with Mickey!!!

 

[PinkRhombus]

It's only been 2 months! That's not a very long time if you're wanting to rebuild things. It may take many more months, but do look at this trip as a good bonding time for everyone. It gets you out of your daily rut. Different place, different activities can put you in a better place to think.