Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[krcit]

Wow. I'm so sorry. Your DIL sounds like she has a screw loose. Now she is threatening to cut you out of her life b/c you like Disney and football games?? That is so hurtful. I feel so bad for you As far as your dd is concerned, I have a 14 year old dd and the more I see and hear what the other kids are doing, the more thankful I am that she hangs out here with us a lot! Your dd sounds like a mature, sweet girl so DIL can mind her own business unless something effects her kids( and NONE of her 'concerns' do)

 

[Christine]

I'm sure it's been said (I didn't read the whole thread). Your DIL sounds very envious of your lifestyle, what you do with your younger child, and what she perceives a grandparent should be like. Perhaps she has some friends whose parents spend TONS of times with the grandkids and she's resentful. Perhaps her own parents were never as "into" her as you are with your children.

It sounds like a lot of jealousy and envy on her part.

 

[golfgal]

I should add: we were the family that lived 3 hours away from Grandma and Grandpa, everyone else was within 30 minutes. Our oldest is the oldest grandchild. We would have my in-laws babysit on occasion but it was really not convenient to have them babysit. We usually saved them for big things like work trips where we needed someone for several days. We did hear that they would like to watch the kids more, but they were also not willing to come to our house to watch them so it was easier to find someone near us.

When the other grandkids came along they did a lot of babysitting for them. For DH's one brother they did daily daycare for their kids. DH's sister would leave her kids with grandma and grandpa one weekend every month. It never bothered me in the slightest because the lived near them and it was easier for us not to have them watch them, UNTIL, we had made arrangements (several months in advance) for the in-laws to watch our kids for 5 days while we went on a work trip for DH's company. About 2 weeks before we were leaving my MIL called to say that she couldn't watch our kids because DH's sister decided to change their monthly weekend to leave her kids and they felt like they needed to watch them instead . That made me mad and it was the last time we asked them to watch our kids.

I get along great with the in-laws and the funny part is whenever anyone else in the family has their kids stay at Grandma and Grandpas they call our kids to come down to help/entertain since our kids are easier to deal with .

So, short story long, we have been in your place with the close family-farther away family and I STILL don't understand your DIL's problem .

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK OP....you need a hug.

I would stop discussing the nitpicking she is doing and ask her what she wants from you.

Put it back on her. In other words, it is easy for her to demonize you and place you as the wrongdoer in this situation. She becomes the "victim".

The way you combat controlling people like this is to be blunt. Ask what she wants.

Now if she says crazy stuff, you calmly say, I cannot do that.

Redirect and try and get it back on her and ask what she wants you to do with her family. If she cannot come up with an answer (which she won't) you can calmly say, I am here for you. Let me know what YOU want.

In other words, try and build something here instead of letting her nitpick and tear it down.

I hope I you understand what I am saying.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Oh gosh--I would speak to your sons about the inappropriate behavior and questioning of their wives.

I cannot imagine EVER calling my MIL. I may have *some* opinions that are less than kind in some cases, but would NEVER think it was my place to call her and tell her one word of any of it.

 

[N&B'smom]

Wow. I can't believe that, she's got some nerve! I'd definitely mention something to your son. She just sounds like she's off her rocker.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--I have read through all the posts and did not see what I would do suggested, so here goes:

First, I would not ever bring the topic up to the DiLs (or anymore to your sons--though I think you handled that excellently). I would only respond if they bring it up again (and I would probably fail to notice any emails about it).

Secondly, when it does come up I would respnd with polite and kind bewilderment. It is, after all, totally bewildering. So, if she says she does not think you should go to Disney all the time, just ask her in the nicest, most confused and sincere wanting to know her answers way possible "Why does where I vacation matter to you?" If she says she thinks you shouldn't go to high school games say "I don't understand why it is a probelm if I do things I enjoy. Am I unintentionally hurting someone by being at the games?" If she says your DD should not spend so much time at home say "Did Sarah ask you to talk to me about something? Do you know of or suspect Sarah is in harms way or could be likely to harm herself or others? Oh, then what is the problem with Sarah?

Truly, if I were you, in addition to being hurt and saddened now--I would be confused as heck and I would really, and truly want to know if DD had valid answers to those questions. If she really wants to take a family vacation with everyone to Hawaii but feels she can't because you always go to WDW or something--perhaps she will tell you (that is a strech, but what I am saying is you DO want to know how this concerns her so you can be genuine in asking and not mean or harsh). If it turns out (as it likely will) that none of this really concerns her-- she pretty much has to admit it and should eitehr eventually drop it and move on or she may turn out to be not the sweet girl you have believed up until now (hopefully it is the latter).

Of course you spend more time with Sarah than your grandkids. Sarah is your CHILD whom you are RAISING. It would be horribly unfair to Sarah if you tried to treat her (your daughter) as only an equal claim on your time as your grandchildren.

As far as babysittng, I do suspect the Daughters in law are hoping for more. They are darned lucky you babysit at all. It is not your job to do so. Grandparents should develop relationships with their grandchildren when possible--but that does not need to invovle any babysitting. Do not feel guilty about that. I wonder how your DiLs would react if you suggested that you would like to spend some "adult" time with them and your sons and asked them to hire a babysitter so you can all go out to a kid free meal?

 

[snapppyd]

You sound like a fun person, and a wonderful Mom and Grandma. I think she might be jealous?

I am speechless that she thinks she has the right to question you like that

Please go on living your life just the way you have been. If it bothers you enough, ask your son what her problem is.

 

[mjkacmom]

Okay, I'm going to play devil's advocate, since no one here actually witnessed the conversation. There would have to be something MAJOR that was bothering me to have such a conversation with my MIL. I love her, but she does some things that irk me, and I just smile. Your DIL, from your account, accused you of being a fun-loving, family oriented person. Sometimes we hear what we want to hear, and not what is actually said. For her to go through the effort of having a serious conversation of something that's really bothering her, it has to be really bothering her. I'd try again, and have your ds there.

 

[ericamanda01]

I am shocked that anyone would speak to their MIL like that. First off it's none of her business how you spend your time. Be it at WDW or a HS game. And how your DD spends her time, with her BF or not, is none of her business. The only thing I can see when reading thru this is she wants a babysitter. She is upset that you have a life and don't call to babysit more and that your never home. I'm sorry but she is totally out of line.
OP if she brings this garbage up again I would just smile and say "I'm sorry you feel that way." and walk away.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I think you need to bring your son in on this. Does he know this is going on? I think your DIL has some issues that are none of your doing. If she has a problem she needs to grow up and stop dancing around the issue. Come out and say what is wrong or stop complaining.

First off, hugs to you. Second, I agree that its time to bring in your DS. While I know you don't want to come in between him and his wife, she actually put you there when she threatened to cut you off. He should know that she's threatening you. How dare shre?!!!

And I would love to have you as a MIL. I love my MIL but she never wants to do anything when we visit. The only way I can get them out of the house is if I take them out to eat. Just recently they have decided to start paying (which annoys me only because I invited them and want to pay). Otherwise they like to sit in the house and watch TV with us. I can't even get them to go to WDW with us and they live only 30 minutes away.

 

[NMAmy]

Oh, good heavens. Your second DIL sounds alot like DH's SIL. She didn't get along with MIL & FIL and any time we visited, would have a huge laundry list of how they'd wronged her and advice for me on how to "handle" them. It was like she was trying to get me to join her in a fight against them and she would get irritated with me when I'd flat out refuse to participate in this game.

I'm guessing that DIL #1 fell into this trap which is why she's come up with the totally lame problem of you not psychically knowing when she might want a babysitter.

It read, " I chose my words carefully and even wrote them down and prayed about them. I didn't say anything that wasn't the truth and my feelings. U asked what was wrong with w me and I spoke. Don't send me a nasty message w Sarah again. I cut my own mom off for 2 yrs. I have no prob doin it again w u." (She was so cool when we went down after the birthday party for her sister's baby that I had asked her if something was wrong.)

And we've moved on to threatening? Honestly, I'd be concerned as to what the underlying cause of this is. Her "complaints" are ridiculous.

I agree with the PP who suggested asking what she wants. She's playing the victim and it's not like there's any real changes you could make that would rectify whatever issue she thinks this little tirade will solve. Your vacations, activities, and relationship with your teenage dd are not her concern.

I hope this all works out for you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[pogo791]

From what you just wrote about the exchange of e-mails last night, OP, I get the strong impression that DIL two is getting awfully worked up. You handled your end of the exchange beautifully, but the fact that your daughter overheard the conversation (through no fault of yours) and then fired off her own message to DIL two seems to have fed DIL's sense of being the misunderstood victim here.

Her comment about cutting you off - and the cool way in which she wrote it - was very hurtful, but probably has to be taken in the context that she is at present so worked up. (Is she under any particular stress at the moment?)

I think NHdisneylover is on the money. Let DIL two cool down. Wait until she, or your son, brings up the matter again, and ask in bewilderment what the problem is. Perhaps express your appreciation to her for having taken the time to express her concerns, but then ask why these are her concerns.

It would perhaps be nice if your son is present during such a discussion to find out where he stands, or if he indeed knows about the entire discussion last night.

 

[padams]

Wow! Your DIL just doesn't know how good she has it. She can have my MIL. She needs to get out more and talk to her friends so she can hear some serious MIL issues, not the silly list she gave you.

I would just laugh it off and tell her you are so happy that your son found the woman of his dreams and that she would be so concerned about you. She sounds immature, particularly the complaints about why you go to Disney and the high school games. If she's embarassed, she doesn't have to admit she knows you (I do this with my MIL from he**) or tell any of her friends and family about what you do. She isn't at these events, right? She also sounds like she doesn't have much going on in her life if she has time to come up with such a long list. Could she be jealous of your activities?

Again, I'd laugh it off and move on.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, I mentioned it earlier...Do you think she could possibly be suffering with post partum depression?

TC

 

[EthansMom]

I called son two (the husband of three hour away DIL) and he was really upset. He says two DILs are talking together and he and DIL were not speaking because of it.

One or both of your DILs is talking smack behind your back, stirring up drama over nothing.

It's none of their dang business how you enjoy your life. You aren't doing ANYTHING wrong. And they are out of line to complain about your lifestyle. It's not right to criticize you for not calling to volunteer to babysit more, for liking WDW, for going to football games... none of it!

I'd ignore them. If you respond, it just feeds their need for drama and makes even more something out of nothing.

BTW.... this all totally sounds like stuff my SIL has done to our MIL... call to stir up drama, talk smack, criticize her lifestyle, withhold the grandkids, etc...

Oh, and my parents love to go to the highschool and college football and basketball games.... and they don't have kids or grandkids in the schools right now. Nothing wrong with enjoying a game!

 

[lillygator]

does DIL 2 work? Does she have family closer to her than 3 hours?

I am floored she would call and say those things. Something must have been festering for a while.

 

[Shmily1]

OP, to you. I think you are doing the right thing by your children and your grandchildren no matter what your DILs think! (Have they ever heard the story of Cinderella??? Do they remind you of anyone in that story????)

My DS19 and DD18 are really close to me, hang out at our house and LOVE to go to WDW with me! Actually, we are all going, eight of us, in December! I'm the only one over 19 going!

Enjoy your sweet Sarah!! She's only got one "teeage years" to go through so don't miss one minute!!!

 

[1PrincessMomma1]

WOW. You sound like a great mom & Grandmother. I don't think any questions she had really have anything to do with her so why is she concerned. Maybe she needs a hobby?

 

[dwdreamer]

I would start the conversation the same way DIL did. Ask her to please listen to your response and discuss after she thinks about it, as that helped you not to react harshly. Tell her you didn't realize your talking about Disney made her uncomfortable and you will try not to talk about it around her family. It may be your Grandchildren are asking why they don't get to go too. As for your DD, ask if she knows something you don't. Has Sarah said something about your relationship that causes DIL to be concerned for her? As for the football games give her the reasons you stated on here. The relationship with your mother, she should understand these things happen from her own experience. Tell her those reasons are your own and you don't feel as though you need to justify them to her or anyone else. Let her know how upset you were, but based on your past relationship you believe she bought these things up out of genuine concern. Maybe after thinking about it she'll tell you what the real problem is.