Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[MAKmom]

The problem is DIL wants you to babysit on friday nights & your going to the games

 

[kellydizfan]

O.k. first off you are not that old to have a daughter who is a Sr in high school. It is great that you go and enjoy the games with your family and friends. My parents who are in their late 60's and 70's come to watch my kids with anything that they are in regardless if it is soccer,softball, baseball, etc. My brother doesn't question why my parents do what they do and his wife. When I was young I didn't participate as much as my kids do and my parents were not there for me when I did like they are now for my kids, which I am seriously happy for. My kids 15, 12 & 9 are happy that my parents are there for them. Their other grandmother - my MIL passed away back in 2000 - my ds was only 6 weeks old - he never knew her, I don't think my other two kids even remember her. THey were only 6 and 3 at the time. My FIL is out in Montana - they haven't seen him in years - his health is failing big time. Continue what you are doing - you are by no means old - that is all I can say and she needs to mind her own business.

 

[shortbun]

I'm 56, my only child is 14. He's in 8th grade and does not play football yet. We go to the High School football games. Your DIL would REALLY think I was crazy!!! lol! I think she's jealous of your life. She has little ones and apparently doesn't feel comfortable enjoying them-a shame really but that's her issue. I don't think I'd respond to her. I think I'd just keep doing what I was doing and chalk it up to her immaturity. Anyone who has to point out how 'mature' they are - isn't.

 

[bumbershoot]

DIL1 is being ridiculous. You're failing b/c you're not asking to watch her kids...whatever. How silly of her.

DIL2...that doesn't even deserve a response. Think on it all you want, but do NOT reply to her. She has lost some marbles.

First you're not allowed to do things with your daughter. Then you are judged b/c you didn't have a good relationship with your mother. Then you're judged again because your daughter wants to hang out at her own house when her mom is there.

Which one is it, DIL, do you want OP to have a good or a bad relationship with her daughter???? Do you want OP to go back in time and have a better relationship with her mom, then come back and have a worse one with her daughter????? It just makes no sense.

I can't even imagine thinking of calling back to reply to all of that nonsense. Grr.

Those are her concerns...I'm sure many of us here could make a list of TRUE concerns with grand/parents...things that could make her realize that having a loving MIL that they are comfortable watching their kids (I don't have a MIL like that) who enjoys getting out and doing things (I don't have a MIL like that) and being active and having fun (again, no MIL like that) is something to be enjoyed, not something to be concerned about.

I'm so sorry she dumped all this on you, and sorry that your DIL1 seems to think you're supposed to be psychic ("I feel that they'd like to go to dinner, perhaps I should call up and surprise them with a request to hang out with my grandkids").

But I wouldn't give any of it a response. It just doesn't deserve one. IMO.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, hugs to you. Your post, though, made me chuckle. Not in the sense that it was funny but that there are actually people in the world that think by blood or some initmate family relationship they can judge a persons lifestyle and think it is ABSOLUTELY ok to do so.

I understand where you are coming from in many areas. We are a blended family. We still have 4 teens here at home. I do not babysit the grandkids as much as I would LIKE to but unfortunately, I still have 4 children of my own to raise. I work. I am as involved in their things as I was in the older kids. I fully plan to still be a marching band volunteer even after there is noone left in the activity. I am not a typical grandmother because quite frankly I am still a mother at this point.

I agree with others that at this point, a mature woman to talk to is NOT your dil. And honestly, I would make a list a things I am concerned about and call her up, tell her to think about them and respond after she does so. The number one item on the list being why she it is not o.k. for people to live as they choose. You are not old, you shouldn't be sitting home doing nothing if you don't want to. The last four years with all the kids old enough to relate to has been life altering for me. I do not have to worry about sitters and they can come to games and enjoy them. It sounds like the rest of your family is o.k. with coming and enjoying things with you. That would be my second question..why they don't come and try to understand and enjoy these things with the rest of the family.

As for the Disney thing..who cares. Different strokes for different folks. I wouldn't even answer that question unless she was footing the bill for the vacations.

Maybe it is a case of her wanting you to babysit more on Friday nights. Well, I guess that is a conversation she should have had with you in a more adultlike manner. And be happy with the answer that you are busy on fridays. If you are in a midlife crisis so am I. And I like it here. I am finally at a point where everyday is not a hassle.

Kelly
PS..my dd is also a senior. She no longer plays soccer. But we typically go to a couple games a year anyway. We are impressed with our 4 year straight 4A state champs. We enjoy the game. High School or not..there are plenty of parents of kids on the team not going so why not go out there and applaud them and support them. In the end, dil needs to MHOB!

 

[Diva of Dragons]

I had a similar situation with some friends asking all these random questions about my life. They kept saying "We don't understand why...." My response to everything was, "The beauty of it is you don't need to understand. It's my life and none of things you are talking about have any effect on you whatsoever."

They finally got it. When people start bugging you about why you're having such a darn good time and have such great relationships with other people, something is amiss in their lives and they don't want to look at it.

Keep having a blast and loving your daughter. You are very lucky she loves being around you at her age!!

As for the babysitting, I'd tell her that you are open to babysit whenever you are available. She just needs to call and ask. I don't quite get her concern. What does she expect you to do, call her every day and ask just in case? That's just weird. LOL!

 

[RitaE]

you have really really odd Daughter In Laws ---

you know that though, right?

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

I'm sorry, she's an ***. And, sadly, I predict years of crap with this one.

I would sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms, "Bug off!"

She sounds like a raging lunatic who has some pretty serious issues.

OMG - I am furious on your behalf. The nerve! Your poor son is going to have his hands full.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, I agree with everyone else here. You are not the one with the problem.

You say this DIL had a baby 6 mos ago? Could she be going thru anything like post partum depression? I can't imagine my DIL talking to me like that and we have a very close relationship!

It does sound like she is jealous of your life.



TC

 

[bas71873]

I think you sound like you are doing a GREAT job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, your are probably just not what they have envisioned as "granny". Meaning you are at their beck and call to watch their kids whenever they WANT/NEED you too because you have chosen to have a life (not that there is anything wrong with the grandparents who ARE beck and call peeps. My own mother could easily become that granny if I wanted her too . Sounds like that whole generation X, Y, whatever, entitlement thing, of which I am a part of (although I don't think of myself as entitled, I'm just part of that generation).

I think everything you are doing is GREAT and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really don't understand what is going on. It seems maybe I'm just not as available to keep their children as they would like?

Thank you all for taking the time to answer.

Penny

That is it in a nutshell.

I have to ask when is the last time you saw your grandbabies? Have you ever babysat the babies?

I know that new mommies will "talk" to other new mommies and if you are not measuring up to their standards they start to think something is "wrong" or that you don't have a close relationship.

If you are busy with everyone else, then you don't have time for them.

Examine how much time and effort you put into relationships with these DIL's.

And I am not accusing you, I am just being the "DIL" here so you can understand what is going on.

 

[golfgal]

The problem is DIL wants you to babysit on friday nights & your going to the games

I agree.

I am still trying to figure out what the problem is??? I am really confused-she doesn't want you doing anything. Maybe you just need to sit at home and take up knitting or something?? Also, why should YOU call to babysit, shouldn't it be the other way around??? Are you just telekenetically supposed to know they have plans and need a sitter?

I think she also misspoke when she said "mature" woman and really meant "immature".

 

[Carly_Roach]

Without reading any of the other posts here is my first impression and ideas about your OP:

Why is any of what you do any of her business? She has her life, you have yours. You don't live your life to her expectations and you shouldn't expect her to live her life to your expectations.

Sounds to me like you've got an easy out now when it comes to babysitting her children. More time for the rest of the family! And travel! If she grumps about you not helping her out more with the baby (and she will), remind her that you embarass her so you are doing the right thing by considering her feelings and staying away from her and her baby.

Reminder: you can't control how other people feel. If she says she's embarassed, then it's up to her to deal with her own embarassment, not you.

Grandma's fine. Grandma's happy with her life and the people in her life. It's the DIL who needs to learn how to grow up, accept that other people are different, and deal with it.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I had a similar situation with some friends asking all these random questions about my life. They kept saying "We don't understand why...." My response to everything was, "The beauty of it is you don't need to understand. It's my life and none of things you are talking about have any effect on you whatsoever."

They finally got it. When people start bugging you about why you're having such a darn good time and have such great relationships with other people, something is amiss in their lives and they don't want to look at it.

Exactly! Many people start out with "I don't understand why..." when they really mean, "Why don't you do things the way I think you should do them?"

I wasn't put on this earth to help you understand things that have nothing to do with you (no matter how much you like to think they do). Nor was I put here to life my life the way you think I should live it.

If they keep up with the "I don't understand..." and "Why?" tactic, I've found that the response children have been giving for years works wonders for me:

Because.

Repeat that word until the "I don't understand" person goes away.

 

[lucyanna girl]

I'm beginning to think I never knew this young woman at all (DIL two who lives three hours away).

I had no contact with her last night from the time she called until just as I was going to bed. I then got a text message from her.

It read, " I chose my words carefully and even wrote them down and prayed about them. I didn't say anything that wasn't the truth and my feelings. U asked what was wrong with w me and I spoke. Don't send me a nasty message w Sarah again. I cut my own mom off for 2 yrs. I have no prob doin it again w u." (She was so cool when we went down after the birthday party for her sister's baby that I had asked her if something was wrong.)

I immediately tried to call her but she would not answer the phone so I texted her, " I didn't send a message with Sarah."

I did know that Sarah had texted her. When DIL called me I was sitting right beside Sarah who was reading me a draft of an English paper she was working on. DIL was speaking very loudly and since I tend to keep the volume turned up pretty loud on my Iphone and she has that wonderful acute hearing of an eighteen year old she had no trouble hearing every word said.
My daughter is a very calm mature young lady who has a reputation among her friends as the nicest girl they ever meet. She was very upset and sent her sister-in-law a message telling her she had no business questioning why Sarah likes living at home, gets along with her parents and loves her boy friend. I knew she had sent the text. If I had her phone I would quote it as there was nothing ugly about it.

DIL sent back this, "She shouldn't know even know what was said between two adults".

I sent her, " She was sitting beside me doing homework. You spoke loudly enough for her to hear you. There was no conversation. You spoke, I listened and didn't say a word".

That was the last I heard.

I'm sorry to pour all this out here but I'm just so upset. That she could threaten to "cut me off"??? Just because to her I'm not acting like a little old white haired Granny?

She didn't mention the rock concerts you know, she probably just forgot. This year we have been to see Nickelback and Areosmith and for my birthday we have Kiss tickets. Just trying to laugh to keep from crying.

I really don't know what to do here. I love and adore my grand-babies and cannot imagine what has got into my DILs, especially DIL two.

Penny

 

[java]

Penny I can't believe she had the nerve to call and say those things to you.

I would love to have a grandparent that was remotely involved in my kids life. My own mom has only watched my kids when I was in the hospital having another one. Never for socializing events ect. (she does watch my step sister's kids though when they go on vacation - now that's another thread)

Personally I would have been offended by her "judgement". Who is she to tell you how to live your life?

Oh I don't know how to respond to her without being offensive. I really am floored by the conversation she had with you. I would NEVER ever talk to my MIL that way.

 

[lucyanna girl]

I picked up DIL one's two little boys after school Monday at 2:30, feed them supper and took them home at seven, just when she said she wanted them home.

I saw the two littlest ones Saturday after the Birthday party. Before that, we drove down three weeks ago and spent the day with them on a Sunday.

Penny

 

[golfgal]

I think you need to bring your son in on this. Does he know this is going on? I think your DIL has some issues that are none of your doing. If she has a problem she needs to grow up and stop dancing around the issue. Come out and say what is wrong or stop complaining.

 

[hemispheredancer]

I have only read the OP first post but the one thing that came to mind is why do you have to answer to her? She is not YOUR parent and she has no business interrogating you about frivolous things that really should not concern her!

 

[luvsJack]

I think you need to bring your son in on this. Does he know this is going on? I think your DIL has some issues that are none of your doing. If she has a problem she needs to grow up and stop dancing around the issue. Come out and say what is wrong or stop complaining.

I agree with this. She was way over stepped her boundaries on the things she is saying. You need to have a talk with your son and maybe get whatever the real issues are brought to light.



I do wonder something though, and this is no reflection on how you and your husband have done things. It sounds like you have done a fabulous job of bringing a blended family together. But, is there perhaps some jealousy with these two dil's in that they are afraid of one part of the family being treated differently than their husbands and children?

Not in any way, saying you do that or do anything like that; but people can see things in a strange way sometimes.