Too much drama for only 1 day...Updated we've made contact

[KAMKIM]

After his email yesterday I responded and told him I wish him the best with his mom and understand it's a difficult time for him and his daughter. I left it at that.

Today he wrote back and said "I hope to hear your voice soon. **(his daughter) seems to be getting excited about all of this. Take care.


I didn't respond. I dont want to get rejected over something I didn't want to begin with. Ocne i got my questions answered I was ready to leave it, but then his email maybe sounded like he wanted something more. So at this point, I think he is dealing with alot with his mom and it was just bad timing that this all happened at once. So I am going to maybe just let it go for a while and give them some space.

My brothers family on the other hand have called him pretty much daily and they definitely seemed to have "clicked" so I am happy for him, and them.

My mom and I agreed to not talk about what may or may not have happened 30 years ago. Nothing can change it so it doesn't matter.

 

[crz4mm2]

That is a lot to take in.

Now I might be able to hopefully offer some perspective that came to mind from what you posted.
You are very lucky that you got the response you did from the man and his family. I personally think you were wrong to tell his daughters about your brother. IMO you should have contacted him directly and let him take the reins with his own family. Luckily though everything seems to be okay with them but it could have been much different.

As for your Mom, well IMO she did what she thought was best for both of you. I don't think she necesarily lied to you. I think she felt like she was protecting you both. She probably feels very hurt and threatened now. How would you feel if one day your dd looked at you like that? You have no idea what really happened and maybe there is much more to the story. Maybe this "Dad" is blowing smoke to cover his own tail with his wife. You talked to this man once or twice. He is essentially a stranger. I personally find it odd that they are all saying how you are family now etc. Blood doesn't make you a family. It takes a lot more than that.

Your brother's silence is also very telling. It is possible that maybe he didn't really want to know this man. Maybe you should have called him before you contacted them and opened pandora's box for him. I understand your excitement but it doesn't seem like your brother shares it. Maybe he feels like it isn't right to do this to your mother. Who knows? I would talk to him to find out how he feels about it all.

I am sorry to be the debbie downer here but I wanted to point out that while you are so excited, there is a lot more to all this that effects others.
Good luck and I hope you figure it all out.

I totally agree with this.
My biological father, left before Mom even knew she was pg with me. My sister was only about 2 mo old.
When she found out she was pg she called him and told him and he would not come off the ship( Navy) to see me after I was born.
I never met him until I was about 20.
He told my older sister that our Mother "would never let him see us".
Now, I KNOW my Mother and I KNOW that is not true, but DSis took it in hook line and sinker.
I actually applaud the man. (now). He wasn't in our lives at all and it left my Mother to find a new life (which she DID) and marry my stepfather (who was the ONLY DAD I ever knew).
I think you should give your Mom a break (even IF she never told your Dad about you).

 

[quentina]

If one of my adopted children, once they reached adulthood, found one of their BIOLOGICAL parents and started talking about how excited they are to meet their REAL parents - I would wonder who raised them, their FAKE parents? You need to be careful with your terminology. It may seem like a small thing to you, but could be causing hurt feelings in your family.

I have to disagree, I have 2 adopted children. I believe the desire to find your biological "aka real" parents will always exist for them. Will I be sad when it comes up...you bet...however; it will come up and it is my job to support them.

My kids were 4 and 2 when we got them...they came from foster care and bounced through many homes. We have always been open about things. I have their life books and I will provide them with the photos of their biolgical family when they reach the age that they desire this.

This is just my 2 cents, but I believe that saying "real" is just a way biological is said.

I was raised by my step dad, I bonded with him and in my heart believe he is my dad...I do know that he is not my "real" dad. He is however; the man who treated me like he was.

 

[EMom]

I have to disagree, I have 2 adopted children. I believe the desire to find your biological "aka real" parents will always exist for them. Will I be sad when it comes up...you bet...however; it will come up and it is my job to support them.

My kids were 4 and 2 when we got them...they came from foster care and bounced through many homes. We have always been open about things. I have their life books and I will provide them with the photos of their biolgical family when they reach the age that they desire this.

This is just my 2 cents, but I believe that saying "real" is just a way biological is said.

I was raised by my step dad, I bonded with him and in my heart believe he is my dad...I do know that he is not my "real" dad. He is however; the man who treated me like he was.

I strongly disagree. Let me say, I won't have a problem with DD wanting to meet her biological/birth mother when she is an adult. Heck, I'll fly over to Russia with her if needed.

But most adoptive parents I know loathe the phrase "real parents" as applied to bio/birth parents. I fully appreciate and acknowledge the importance of DD's bio mother. But I am her real mother. To say the bio parent is the "real" parent implies I am something other than that. I am not fake, pretend, temporary, polyester or imaginary. I am as real as it gets. I took care of her when she was sick, taught her right from wrong, cuddled her, disciplined her, worried about her, checked her homework, and even caught her vomit in my hands so it wouldn't get on her and upset her. I would give my own life to protect her. That is what REAL mothers do.

If my DD ever grew up and took to calling her bio mother her "real" mother, it would be like a knife in my heart....a horrible, wrenching pain. That is the wounding power of one small word. To have given your life in devotion to a child and then have that devotion lessened to something less than "real," as if biology trumps all, is indeed hurtful in the worst way.

I am glad the OP took the earlier poster's words to heart and realized that she might unwittingly cause hurt, which is not something she meant to do. It is true that not every adoptive parent is hurt by the use of the term "real parent" when referring to bio parents, but I am sure the percentage is high. Why cause pain needlessly when it can be so easily avoided?

I can certainly promise you I would NEVER refer to my child as anything less than my REAL child. On these boards, I may use the term "adopted" to clarify a discussion, but I never make the distinction in person. It is immaterial. She is simply my child. Period.

 

[tink_lover]

Thank you for writing so much more succinctly than I did - and I totally agree. Perhaps it wasn't clear with my earlier statement - my 3 children are all adopted - that is how we have created our "real" family. I understand that my children may one day look for their bio mothers and bio fathers and am ok with that. (BTW - we may have to join you on your journey back to Russia for that )

I know a number of people who were adopted and have found their birth mothers. Some of them continue to have a relationship and some have not. I think it depends on the people/circumstances and making sure everyone involved is in agreement with the situation.

 

[Took]

After his email yesterday I responded and told him I wish him the best with his mom and understand it's a difficult time for him and his daughter. I left it at that.

Today he wrote back and said "I hope to hear your voice soon. **(his daughter) seems to be getting excited about all of this. Take care.


I didn't respond. I dont want to get rejected over something I didn't want to begin with. Ocne i got my questions answered I was ready to leave it, but then his email maybe sounded like he wanted something more. So at this point, I think he is dealing with alot with his mom and it was just bad timing that this all happened at once. So I am going to maybe just let it go for a while and give them some space.

My brothers family on the other hand have called him pretty much daily and they definitely seemed to have "clicked" so I am happy for him, and them.

My mom and I agreed to not talk about what may or may not have happened 30 years ago. Nothing can change it so it doesn't matter.

You know, I'm getting a little different vibe from the email. It could be that, with his mom dying, he's more interested than ever in connecting to family. Perhaps, hearing your voice will make his dealing with his mom's passing a little easier. Just a thought...

 

[KAMKIM]

I have not had any more correspondence with him since my last update. However, his daughter and I have been emailing each other at least once daily. I can see some similarities in our emails, the way she "talks" and responds is in alot of ways like me. On the other hand I also see the difference in her being raised as an only child and I wasn't...I find this kind of funny lol

I asked her to let me know what she really wanted from all of this. She said she hopes some day she can say "I'm going to my sisters for dinner" or that maybe someday come to my girls birthday parties and buy them gifts and help me decorate.

If our relationship ever evolved to something like that it would be nothing short of amazing. I am very close to my brother, but he is a man so having a sister would be unbelievable.

He is moving at a much faster pace with his family than I am but I am okay with that and it seems like this guy and his daughter are okay with that too.

She asked me what I wanted out of all of this as well, I said...after I received your email that you are hoping someday it will be something mroe I feel alot better about the situation and agree that only good things will come from it.

Well I appreciate everyone's responses and opinions and I will definitely keep everyone updated on our progress. Maybe someday we will meet in person. We'll see I guess.

She did say she took a picture of me to her grandmother that is in the hospital and she cried. I wish I had a chance to get to know this woman that weeped over my picture.

My grandma passed away a year ago, and while she knew I was not her biological grandchild...you would have never known...she was and still is my favorite person

 

[*Fantasia*]

 

[Mouse House Mama]

How is your Mom doing with all of this?

 

[KAMKIM]

How is your Mom doing with all of this?

We dont talk about it really. She knows I am somewhat indifferent about the whole thing. I did bring it up once and she changed the subject so I know she doesn't want to talk about it.

She was mad because in his email he said I harbor no ill feelings towards your mom, and she responded with "well he couldn't hold any hard feelings towards me because I couldn't find him after I found out I was pregnant." I let that one go....